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Bryan Fischer Teaches Home Exorcism

You’re a Christian and you buy a new house, but you don’t know what went on before you bought it. I mean, gay people may have had sex there. So Bryan Fischer is here to help you exorcise those “demonic spirits” from the property. And this is funny stuff.

Doing sinful things in the house may have allowed “access, or legal ground, to dark spirits.” He explains how when he’s moved he has “prayed through the house systematically” because, as the owner, he had “spiritual authority” over the property. So he walks the property and “dedicates” and “sanctifies…every cubic inch of ground to Jesus Christ. Then he “anoints the four corners” of the property and “takes authority over any demonic spirits” and finally “ask God to establish a perimeter of warring angels” to protect his family.

I bet if he saw someone spreading chicken blood around the perimeter of their property, he’d laugh his ass off at how ignorant and superstitious they are. Because that’s totally different than what he’s doing.

Comments

  1. Trebuchet says

    He needs to run for governor of Texas. They we could have two Republican idiot exorcists as governors.

  2. says

    But can you really take that chance? Can you?! I, for one, also climb every tree in the yard and sanctify it, too. Because you just know squirrels are having the gayhomo squirrelsex. And don’t get me started on the various disgusting things birds do even when they know you’re watching them.

    Also, A Perimeter of Warring Angels was my New Wave band in the early 80′s.

  3. Darka says

    excellent comment MO!

    Thanks for posting this, Mr. Brayton. I do love examples of TrueChristians doing ludicrous nonsense with their prayers and having the example to show to other TrueChristians who are sure that prayers like this are so very unbiblical.

  4. voidhawk says

    On the plus side, at least if he’s showing people how to do it for free, there’ll be fewer people paying for a shyster to come and do it for them…

  5. John Pieret says

    I bet if he saw someone spreading chicken blood around the perimeter of their property, he’d laugh his ass off at how ignorant and superstitious they are.

    I doubt that. My guess is Fischer would think the person was performing satanic rituals, which is, of course, sinful in and of itself, allowing access, or legal ground, to dark spirits. He might be blind to the similarities of what he is doing to that of a witch doctor but he will take the witch doctor seriously.

  6. Pierce R. Butler says

    Did he mention that he needs to repeat the whole process every time a plane passes over, in case pilot or passengers were establishing or renewing membership in the Gay Mile High Club?

  7. garnetstar says

    He annoints his property? I suppose with chrysm (sacred oil) or holy water. Isn’t that kind of Catholic? You know, the Great Whore, the fake-Christian cult?

    Consistency, thou art a jewel.

  8. Michael Heath says

    Ed reports:

    [Bryan Fischer] explains how when he’s moved he has “prayed through the house systematically” because, as the owner, he had “spiritual authority” over the property. So he walks the property and “dedicates” and “sanctifies…every cubic inch of ground to Jesus Christ. Then he “anoints the four corners” of the property and “takes authority over any demonic spirits” and finally “ask God to establish a perimeter of warring angels” to protect his family.

    What a weak god Christians have. My god allows me to exorcise my property just before I take possession of it. One prayer prior to it even before I arrive at the property. It takes 10 seconds tops; I do it while driving there.

  9. Chiroptera says

    Bryan Fischer Teaches Home Exorcism

    This is good stuff. Too many people spend too much money for a professional exorcist to come to there homes; many people can save money by doing the smaller exorcism jobs themselves.

  10. says

    Michael Heath “What a weak god Christians have. My god allows me to exorcise my property just before I take possession of it. One prayer prior to it even before I arrive at the property. It takes 10 seconds tops; I do it while driving there.”
    Driving? Pah! I do it while flying. FAA regs be damned, Jesus is my copilot.

  11. matty1 says

    he “anoints the four corners” of the property

    Isn’t that what cats do to claim territory? I suppose we should be grateful he didn’t take inspiration from dogs and piss in every corner.

  12. raven says

    This is good stuff. Too many people spend too much money for a professional exorcist to come to there homes; many people can save money by doing the smaller exorcism jobs themselves.

    You’ve got to be careful. Things can get really scary fast!!!

    If things go out of control, who are you going to call? Ghostbusters!!!

    I saw it on TV so it must be true.

  13. jameshanley says

    “takes authority over any demonic spirits”

    And uses them for his own evil ends, ha ha ha!

    At least that’s what I’d do. That neighbor’s cat that keeps pooping on my lawn? That’s just the first target.

  14. tbp1 says

    You know, an undiscerning individual just might mistake this kind of activity for superstition.

  15. Larry says

    Modusoperandi said

    Driving? Pah! I do it while flying. FAA regs be damned,

    Sort of like crop dusting for demons. That sounds like a great idea for a new business venture. I’d be willing to set it up, do a business plan, and bring in some venture money to finance it. Have your people call mine, Modus. I think this could work.

  16. grumpyoldfart says

    It seems like the show’s writers are having a bit of a contest. Each one writes the craziest script they can think of and the winner is the author of the script that Fischer is silly enough to read on air.

  17. Moggie says

    access, or legal ground, to dark spirits.

    Doorbell rings.

    Hi, you must be the new owner. Congratulations! I’m Phenex, and this is Marchosias. I think you were expecting us?

    Err, not really. Who did you say you’re from?

    You know, Hell? For the usual demon infestation? We’d like to scope out the place, get some idea of numbers…

    Wait, what? Demons? I didn’t order any demons!

    Oh dear, you didn’t read the small print. Look, under the Demonic Possession (Property) Act 1831, section 7, paragraph 3(a), a domestic dwelling of this sort must have not less than five dark spirits installed when it changes ownership. You know, on account of the buttsex. I’m sorry, but that’s the law.

  18. Ex Patriot says

    My cat goes each day and marks her territory by rubbing against, that makes sure there re no demons around to steal her food and in that way she protects me from the evil spirits Xians are idiots byond reproach.

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