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Oct 18 2013

Wouldn’t You Like to Be a Prepper Too?

For the far right (and for many on the far left, especially the radical environmentalists), America is always just teetering on the edge of collapse, and never more so than with Obama in the White House. Mother Jones has the story of a company trying to get rich from that paranoia by teaching people how to survive the coming Obamacalypse.

But one company has been particularly aggressive about capitalizing on preppers’ paranoia, particularly those preppers who see Barack Obama as the first horseman of the Apocalypse. Last week, an anonymous email solicitation went out to readers of the conservative news site, GOPUSA.gov. It warned:

There are three hidden signs that Obama
is about to throw you into a FEMA camp.
They’re on his secret agenda.

But once YOU know these three signs…
youre already one step ahead.
You’re in control.

You can beat them at their own game.

Click here to check them out now,
before its too late.

The link leads to a slick marketing website-cum-infomercial for a video called the Patriot Survival Plan, which is also being promoted on popular conservative sites, such as World Net Daily. The infomercial claims that America is about to experience “a crisis unlike any other in history, a catastrophe that will overshadow, Katrina, Pearl Harbor, 9/11, the Great Depression, even the Civil War.” What’s more, this “financial Hiroshima” is “barreling down on us like a freight train in just 10 months or less…Unless you take some very specific steps it’s virtually guaranteed that you will be left penniless, hungry, and fighting desperately for your life.”

What steps are those? The infomercial doesn’t say.

But for a few hundred dollars, they’ll tell you. And if you don’t, prepare for “living the rest of your life under the surveillance of a drone made just for you, ordered to track you and kill you if you make the wrong move.” I’m sure the drone will be run by the United Nations. Or the Illuminati. Or the Chinese. But I repeat myself…

34 comments

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  1. 1
    colnago80

    Not true, the drone is operated by the Trilateral Commission.

  2. 2
    Bronze Dog

    One question the target market probably won’t think to ask: If there’s going to be some kind of apocalyptic economic meltdown in a mere 10 months, why are they asking for money?

    Then again, I suppose they could respond by showing me an advertisement for a gold investment scam, since gold has “real” value that’ll come in handy when everyone’s scrounging for food and potable water.

  3. 3
    Wes

    And if you don’t, prepare for “living the rest of your life under the surveillance of a drone made just for you, ordered to track you and kill you if you make the wrong move.”

    Huh. There are 310,000,000 Americans. The United States government operates, at most, about 300 armed drones capable of tracking and attacking a target (I don’t know the exact number but would be shocked if it were much more than 300). Something about this math isn’t really working out…

  4. 4
    dogmeat

    Wouldn’t it be easier to disguise the explosives as (or within) puppies, kittens, goldfish, reptiles, or other “pets?” Then do a subsidized animal rescue program to get a cute little friend to each and every person in the country. Far easier and more cost effective than assigning a drone to each and every American.

  5. 5
    Bronze Dog

    Huh. There are 310,000,000 Americans. The United States government operates, at most, about 300 armed drones capable of tracking and attacking a target (I don’t know the exact number but would be shocked if it were much more than 300). Something about this math isn’t really working out…

    I might be behind on the tech developments, but don’t our drones each require someone working the joystick? Or at least when the drone isn’t simply maintaining a fixed speed and direction?

    And, of course, there’s the issue of being able to detect someone making “the wrong move,” since there are some people out there who don’t tweet every little thing they do and thus don’t provide easy, searchable access to their lives, requiring more manpower-intensive means. Shocking, I know.

  6. 6
    Nihilismus

    I wish these survivalist companies would start promoting equipping houses with solar panels. If there is a financial catastrophe, it’s likely that people won’t have the money to pay for electricity, or the electric plant will close down or something. It is smart to make sure you can provide your own power.

    If everybody starts equipping solar panels, less power will be used from greenhouse gas sources, and the market for solar panels will increase, leading to lower costs and further installations.

  7. 7
    raven

    If all 317 million Americans have a drone assigned to track and target them, then who is operating these drones?

    It would require another 317 million people to operate the drones.

    Yeah, the math doesn’t work very well.

    Are these drones going to come in our houses and sit on the coffee table and watch us? Will the cats get their own drones? So many questions, so little interest in finding out the answers.

  8. 8
    Modusoperandi

    Nihilismus “I wish these survivalist companies would start promoting equipping houses with solar panels”
    I can’t believe you fallen for that hippy crap. Everybody knows electricity comes from coal. Besides, Algore is fat.

    raven “Will the cats get their own drones?”
    Yes, but instead of missile they’ll have lasers, and tire the cats out chasing the red dots around the floor.

  9. 9
    Scr... Archivist

    I remember when far-rightwing websites were filled with garish graphics and colors. This one goes too far in the other direction.

    Regarding the idea of “living the rest of your life under the surveillance of a drone made just for you”, I know who runs those drones. The Culture. But only if you kill someone.

    The Culture doesn’t actually have laws; there are, of course, agreed-on forms of behaviour; manners, as mentioned above, but nothing that we would recognise as a legal framework. Not being spoken to, not being invited to parties, finding sarcastic anonymous articles and stories about yourself in the information network; these are the normal forms of manner-enforcement in the Culture. The very worst crime (to use our terminology), of course, is murder (defined as irretrievable brain-death, or total personality loss in the case of an AI). The result – punishment, if you will – is the offer of treatment, and what is known as a slap-drone. All a slap-drone does is follow the murderer around for the rest of their life to make sure they never murder again. There are less severe variations on this theme to deal with people who are simply violent.

    http://www.vavatch.co.uk/books/banks/cultnote.htm (This quote is from the author’s essay written in 1994.)

    Permanent monitoring by an intelligent flying robot would not be the Right’s worst nightmare. Rather, living in the Culture itself would be.

    (Rest in Peace, Mr. Banks.)

  10. 10
    Blueaussi

    Tsk! What’s a matter with you people? Obviously Obama’s Muslim Brothers will be operating the drones!

  11. 11
    Michael Heath

    Ed writes:

    a company trying to get rich from that paranoia by teaching people how to survive the coming Obamacalypse.

    It took me about five tries to come up with a reasonable pronunciation of Obamacalypse.

  12. 12
    Modusoperandi

    Michael Heath, it’s “OBAMAx!!!”, where it doesn’t matter how (or if) you say “x”.

  13. 13
    bushrat

    @10 Blueaussi Pfftt…Right, anyone with a brain knows that Obama’s a Communazi Atheist in league with the Bilderberg Group and the NWO. You must be one of his agents spreading disinformation.

  14. 14
    dingojack

    raven (#7) – There’s a call centre in India…..
    :) Dingo

  15. 15
    longstreet63

    You have to consider the source, here.
    The drones would be MADE in china. They’d be contracted out to a company based in a PO Box in the US, but for tax evasion purposed, operating out of the Bahamas. The drone operators would be subcontractors based in Karachi and Bangalore. Each would maintain hundreds of drones, badly, but very cheaply, and decisions would be made on the basis of a checklist google-translated from the political version of English to the appropriate approximate local language.
    The government contract would pay a per person, per day fee to the contractee for surveillance, but would be prohibited by law from verifying that such surveillance was being performed due to ‘privacy concerns’.
    The contractors would then utilize ‘virtual drone technology’ to reduce costs, since no actual drone would need to be watching any given person, instead using a simulated drone to monitor a simulated person based on the results of commissioned demographic and behavioral surveys.
    They would be paid extra for this, of course, because cost savings.
    Finally, the entire program would be classed as a state secret in order to avoid any attempts to sue over it. The result would be all anyone could hope for, which is a massive government contract for which there is no evidence or effect.
    And, most importantly, that could be blamed on any given President for decades to come.

  16. 16
    longstreet63

    Aw, fudge. the one time I try and use clevel HTML, I forget to close it. Uncluttered version below, should anyone wish to delete my previous.

    You have to consider the source, here.
    The drones would be MADE in china. They’d be contracted out to a company based in a PO Box in the US, but for tax evasion purposed, operating out of the Bahamas. The drone operators would be subcontractors based in Karachi and Bangalore. Each would maintain hundreds of drones, badly, but very cheaply, and decisions would be made on the basis of a checklist google-translated from the political version of English to the approximate local language.
    The government contract would pay a per person, per day fee to the contractee for surveillance, but would be prohibited by law from verifying that such surveillance was being performed due to ‘privacy concerns’.
    The contractors would then utilize ‘virtual drone technology’ to reduce costs, since no actual drone would need to be watching any given person, instead using a simulated drone to monitor a simulated person based on the results of commissioned demographic and behavioral surveys.
    They would be paid extra for this, of course, because cost savings.
    Finally, the entire program would be classed as a state secret in order to avoid any attempts to sue over it. The result would be all anyone could hope for, which is a massive government contract for which there is no evidence or effect.
    And, most importantly, that could be blamed on any given President for decades to come.

  17. 17
    d.c.wilson

    Look, the Chinese have over a billion people, surely Obama plans on contracting with them to provide the 317 million people to operate the drones.

    Actually they’ll probably need more like three times that, because no one can monitor the video feed 24/7. They’ll have to work in shifts. Counting supervisors and other support personnel, they’ll probably need the entire population of China and half of India.

  18. 18
    eric

    I wonder if this is the company that rates each families’ preprations on the TV show Doomsday Preppers. The rating is one of the most surreal parts of the show; on the one hand, they appear to talk rationally about how good a particular prepper’s food or water supply is, but they never say anything about the fantastical scenario each family has (and they’re all different).

    Its a bit like watching a judging contest for an interstellar flight, where each person also has some idiotic, whacked out idea of how their star drive works. “Bob’s tinfoil hat-driven warp drive will get him there in 10 months. Unfortunately, Bob only has water for 5, so we give him a C. We recommend Bob stock his warp vehicle with a water purifier.”

    And yeah, watching is a guilty pleasure. Though not much of one; I think I’ve seen three shows total.

  19. 19
    Doug Little

    What steps are those? The infomercial doesn’t say.

    Come on I’ll bet it has everything to do with hording GOLD. You see this is a front for Glenn Beck’s gold scam.

  20. 20
    zmidponk

    Sounds like these people saw the advert for the Ammunation Apocalypse Kit and thought it was real.

  21. 21
    caseloweraz

    But once YOU know these three signs…
    youre already one step ahead.

    Shouldn’t I be three steps ahead?

  22. 22
    caseloweraz

    Let me see, now: The idea is that I send some money and in return I get a survival guide that will enable me to evade the government drone that otherwise will kill me if I make the wrong move.

    Tell me, then: Given the extent of NSA surveillance, how can it be that ordering this guide and having it shipped to my home is the right move?

  23. 23
    savagemutt

    I really need to start selling my Obama repelling rocks. They’re guaranteed to prevent him from coming and personally stealing your guns and force your family to convert to Islam before relocating you to a FEMA concentration camp.

    I currently have approximately 500 in inventory and every one has been completely effective so far.

  24. 24
    Nihilismus

    Tell me, then: Given the extent of NSA surveillance, how can it be that ordering this guide and having it shipped to my home is the right move?

    Wait . . . what if the NSA is behind these survivalist companies? It makes perfect sense — let the crazies identify themselves when they order the guide, and embed surveillance technology in the survival equipment they buy.

    Wait . . . what if all of the professional far right is just a plan by the government to root out potential domestic terrorists?

  25. 25
    eric

    Given the extent of NSA surveillance, how can it be that ordering this guide and having it shipped to my home is the right move?

    You are assuming the book is useful, rather than being error-rich or a largely content-free scam. Contrary to some folks’ expectations, the FBI doesn’t care about downloads or sales of the Anarchists’ Cookbook…for the same reason.

  26. 26
    Doug Little

    the FBI doesn’t care about downloads or sales of the Anarchists’ Cookbook…for the same reason.

    Or do they?

  27. 27
    blf

    The drones are autonomous, controlled by the microchips ACA forces everyone to have implanted.

    The real problem is servicing the drones. That’s what the slave laborers at the FEMA camps do.

  28. 28
    Sastra

    I don’t understand all the concern about who will operate the drones.

    Minions.

    ‘Nuff said. Nobody cares about — or analyzes– the motivations, origins, payment, training, home life, or anything else of minions. They’re irreducible and easily dismissed. If drones need to be operated, then the minions are there to operate them. Case closed.

    We should be much more worried about caseloweraz’ problem in #21. Why only ONE step ahead? Why not three?

    Could be a trap.

  29. 29
    Area Man

    If all 317 million Americans have a drone assigned to track and target them, then who is operating these drones?

    Plus at about $15 million each, having a drone for every American will cost roughly $4.76 quadrillion.

    *sigh* We’re going to need to raise the debt ceiling again.

  30. 30
    Area Man

    By the way Ed, +1 on the thread title.

  31. 31
    Modusoperandi

    eric “Contrary to some folks’ expectations, the FBI doesn’t care about downloads or sales of the Anarchists’ Cookbook…for the same reason.”
    Obviously. Anarchist cooking is inconsistent at best. No discipline.

  32. 32
    timgueguen

    You’re all greatly overestimating the drone problem. Not every American will be under drone coverage. Only “patriots” will be. And how many Americans fall under that category, and not the “sheeple” category?

    Enough for someone to make it worth the effort to try to con them out of their money.

  33. 33
    Nick Gotts

    The drones are autonomous, controlled by the microchips ACA forces everyone to have implanted. – blf@27

    Of course! There’s probably a drone-breeding programme too. READ “THE SINGULARITY IS NEAR” BY RAY KURZWEIL!!!11!eleventy!!!.

  34. 34
    democommie

    “One question the target market probably won’t think to ask: If there’s going to be some kind of apocalyptic economic meltdown in a mere 10 months, why are they asking for money?”

    I was thinking the same thing. You should prolly send them food. Or, bearing in mind that old Chinese proverb:

    “Give a man a fish, feed him for a day; teach a man to fish, feed him forever*”

    you might want to send them a cubic foot of chicken manure. They can the use the manure to fertilize their :”Prepper peppers” and other food crops–or just eat the same shit they’ve been broadcasting to their target demographic.

    “If all 317 million Americans have a drone assigned to track and target them, then who is operating these drones?

    It would require another 317 million people to operate the drones.

    Yeah, the math doesn’t work very well.”

    A while back, Raven, I wrote about my nascent political party, the “Thin The Herd Party”. The motto of the party is:

    “If each of us removes one useless bastard, per week, from the herd, in short order there will b NO useless bastards in MurKKKa!”

    I am aware of the potential for unintended consequences, that you or I may be someone’s, say Lancifer’s, “useless bastard”–one cannot make an omelet without breaking lovely Omega-3 stuffed free-range eggs, vegan, dairy-free emmenthaler and a veritable battery of wonderful gadgets from “The Pampered Chef” and Williams-Sonoma.

    To the end of a “Useless Bastard Free” MurKKKa, the drones would be an excellent means. If each of us controlled a drone, targeting ONE USELESS BASTARD per week, the project to rid this wonderful democracy of those idiots with whom we disagree would yield fruit much more quickerer. Keep watching the skies, my man, keep watching the skies.

    * And give a “hand-up, not a hand-out!” to L.L. Bean, Shimano, Zebco, Orvis, Gander Mountain, Dick’s Sporting Goods, Cabela’s and Bass Pro Shops.

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