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Oct 04 2013

Delgaudio: Gays Trying to Kill Me, Send Money!

I seem to have been removed from Eugene Delgaudio’s mailing list, since I haven’t received one of his hilariously melodramatic emails in a while. But JoeMyGod is still getting them and reprints the latest one. It’s full of that childish pathos one has learned to expect from him:

“Dear Joe, It’s hard to write you this. My office is in trouble. And I need your help. I have been fighting overtime against the radical Homosexual Lobby and they are making huge gains in Washington. Today, I’m worried.This is a painful letter for me to write. I feel as if my pro-Family supporters are letting me down. Life here in Washington has been a virtual Hell for me. I put off sending you this letter for a while because I didn’t want to worry you. You see, I’ve gotten death threats and I never take them lightly. But when they go beyond threatening and actually try to kill me, it’s a whole different story. In the past, strangers followed my family around town. Idling cars sit across the street at all hours of the night. The threatening phone calls, the death threats and the outrageous lies, oh, it’s endless. But now, my friend, I need to count on you. I absolutely must raise over $65,325 in the next 25 days to pay past bills and keep programs going. Joe, I need to be able to count on you for a special gift of $35 or more. If I am not able to raise the money, I don’t know what I will do. I don’t know how I can keep fighting. Tammy Baldwin and her cronies in the radical Homosexual Lobby have gone into overdrive to seduce Republicans in Congress into backing their perverse agenda. If your Public Advocate falters now, the radical Homosexual Lobby may get everything they want.”

One of my oldest friends used to own a direct mail company that did fundraising campaigns for conservative groups in DC. He told me about the psychological techniques used in those campaigns. His favorite was the “it’s 3 am and I can’t sleep, because of (fill in the blank — illegal immigration, abortion, gay rights, etc) and the impending doom it promises if you don’t send us money immediately” letter. The televangelist version is “it’s 3 am and I can’t sleep because God has put a burden on my heart.”

17 comments

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  1. 1
    Larry

    Emails from Nigerian princes asking for help getting their inheritances out of the country are more believable than this drivel.

  2. 2
    Sastra

    Delgaudio ought to just play it safe and admit that he went to the Philippines for a short vacation but unfortunately he was mugged right outside his hotel and all his credit cards, cell phone, and papers were stolen and you know he hates to ask it but as a friend he just needs you to wire some money it’s kind of an emergency, thanks.

  3. 3
    DaveL

    The threatening phone calls, the death threats and the outrageous lies, oh, it’s endless. But now, my friend, I need to count on you. I absolutely must raise over $65,325 in the next 25 days to pay past bills and keep programs going.

    He doesn’t mention that “endless outrageous lies” are the only “programs” that Public Advocate has.

    I must confess I’m disappointed, though. I was a much bigger fan when his fundraising e-mails were hilariously laced with unintentional homoerotic fantasy.

  4. 4
    dugglebogey

    I hate assholes who call themselves “pro-Family” because they’re not “pro-everybody’s family,” they’re only “pro-the families they approve of.”

    They’re pro “white person married to white person” oops…”white man married to white woman with 2.3 kids family,” or (to a lesser extent) “same race man married to same race woman with (hopefully less than) 2.3 kids family.”

    I have an “unconventional” family that I’m sure they don’t approve of, and here’s what I have to say to that:

    FUCK YOU. My family is a goddamn family no mater what you closed-minded motherfuckers say.

  5. 5
    Modusoperandi

    How come The Gays never come to me and try to get me to “back their perverse agenda”? The only agendas they bring up to me are Civil Rights and basic human decency.

  6. 6
    Artor

    This is a big letdown after the last one you posted, where Eugene happened upon a gang of sweaty, glistening gayz in overalls loading big boxes of gay agenda flyers onto a truck in the middle of the night, with their bulging muscles glistening in the moonlight as he watched from his car, fogging the windows.

  7. 7
    democommie

    “Delgaudio: Gays Trying to Kill Me, Send Money!”

    Do you have an address for the International GAYZ Conspiracy, Ed; I definitely want to send them some money.

  8. 8
    ricko

    Okay, sounds good…. Another $35 to Tammy Baldwin, MY Senator.

  9. 9
    Modusoperandi

    Artor “…gay agenda flyers…”
    The aerobatics team?

  10. 10
    abusedbypenguins

    If that $35 is going toward a life insurance policy for you and I’m the beneficiary, then I’m in.

  11. 11
    John Pieret

    Artor @ 6:

    … fogging the windows.

    With what, I wonder …

  12. 12
    Ace of Sevens

    Haven’t the gays been trying to kill him for over thirty years? They don’t seem very competent. I’m not sure what all the alarm is about.

  13. 13
    busterggi

    Clearly he needs more help than any of us can give so let’s really help him and pray for him – that always fixes everything.

  14. 14
    colnago80

    The sad part is not this crooked moron. The sad part is the schmucks who elected him.

  15. 15
    Lofty

    Why such an exact amount? Googling the figure gets

    GMC Yukon XL 2013 – $65,325

    So he wants a new truck?

  16. 16
    Squiddhartha

    Can I get a Homosexual Lobby in my town instead of a Hobby Lobby?

  17. 17
    exdrone

    Our condo used to have a radical homosexual lobby, but when we redecorated, we went with earth tones.

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