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Sep 14 2013

Alex Jones’ Bizarre Syria Theory

Alex Jones delivered one of his classic rants on Syria, just a stream-of-consciousness diatribe that linked Obama’s policy in Syria with a “globalist” plot to kill off the overwhelming majority of the human race and to replace them with…machines! Probably machines that feed on soylent green.

Everyone is going to be deindustrialized. Everyone is going to be put back in the stone age to be controlled, and then Obama, and the globalists, and the robber barons, they’re gonna fly around in their jetcopters, and their Air Force Ones, and their red carpets like gods above us, and they’re gonna get the life extension technologies…

But it’s the globalists here running my life, that’s why they’re my front and center problem. Because they’re the biggest, most organized, most sophisticated eugenics-based scientific dictatorship, transhumanist at the top, that plan the extinction of almost everybody, and a new species to rise up of humans merged with machines. That’s their religion and no one’s discussing that.

Except you, Alex. And Kent Hovind, who predicted in 1999 that those same amorphous evil forces were going to reduce the world’s population to 500 million people by May 5, 2000 (Karl Marx’ birthday, which is supposed to mean something). Being a paranoid conspiracy monger means never having to admit you were wrong.

32 comments

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  1. 1
    garnetstar

    Ah, what it is to have a rich and active fantasy life.

  2. 2
    Chiroptera

    That’s their religion and no one’s discussing that.

    And when I try to discuss it, people just roll their eyes and go back to reading their newspapers!

  3. 3
    Al Dente

    Just when I think Jones can’t get any wackier, he shows that he can.

  4. 4
    raven

    That’s their religion and no one’s discussing that.

    No one is discussing the UN depopulation program because it is a fantasy that only exists in his warped mind.

    infowars (Alex Jones)

    The eugenicists are back with their latest program to kill an untold number of people under the cover of the “swine flu pandemic.” If you line up for a vaccination contaminated with mercury, aluminum, formaldehyde and other toxins — and a possible agent for future cancers designed to decimate world population — you need to have your head examined.

    However, as Ron Paul indicates, you may not have a choice — the government may force you to choose between a toxic vaccine and a FEMA camp.

    Did you know that the H1N1 swine flu vaccine was designed to kill millions as part of a UN depopulation program. And as Ron Paul said, you will either get it or get sent to a FEMA camp.

    Of course, none of this ever happened. And they never noticed that it never happened. In fact, the swine flu vaccine was quite successful and saved tens of thousands of lives.

  5. 5
    raven

    Just when I think Jones can’t get any wackier, he shows that he can.

    Not really.

    Alex Jones has been ranting and raving about the UN depopulation program for a decade or two.

    You always think these crackpots will someday be overwhelmed by their paranoid fantasies and crash and burn. It doesn’t happen often though. Most of them are stable within their categories.

  6. 6
    Ace of Sevens

    @4: Hardly anyone died of swine flu, therefore it wasn’t dangerous and the vaccine was for some nefarious purpose.

  7. 7
    Ellie

    They’re going to have flying carpets? Cool.

  8. 8
    dingojack

    “If you line up for a vaccination contaminated with mercury, aluminum [sic], formaldehyde and other toxins…”

    As a chemistry student of old, I would have thought HCN would have been far more effective. Just ask Uncle Adolf.
    Dingo

  9. 9
    blf

    They’re going to have flying carpets?

    Much more effective than jet aeroplanes at dispersing Teh Chemicals.

  10. 10
    frankb

    But it’s the globalists here running my life

    How have they been running your life? Please be specific. Have you been forced to take any vaccines lately? Please tell us where the FEMA camps are.

  11. 11
    Jackie, all dressed in black

    Does anyone else get the feeling that this guy does huge quantities of acid?

    My favorite quote from him was, “I’m sitting on a barrel of slut-fueled nitroglycerin”.

    That just seems like a poor choice of seating.

  12. 12
    Pierce R. Butler

    Where do the little gray guys in the flying saucers fit into this scenario?

  13. 13
    Modusoperandi

    It’s weird that They are so powerful, and yet Jones is still on the air.
    Oh. My. God.
    Alex Jones is working for Them.

  14. 14
    Area Man

    I have never learned so much about the Syria’s politics, history, or culture. He didn’t even have to mention the country’s name he was so on-topic.

  15. 15
    timgueguen

    Actually, Modus, I recently ran into a crank website that claimed that Jones is in fact a tool of the bad guys. http://www.helpfreetheearth.com/news658_Jones.html They also speculate that Prince William is the Antichrist, so they seem to be polycranks.

  16. 16
    jnorris

    Will someone who loves him please tell Alex Jones that the movie Zardoz (1974) was not a prophecy. Thank you. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070948/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_45

  17. 17
    dogmeat

    But it’s the globalists here running my life, that’s why they’re my front and center problem. Because they’re the biggest, most organized, most sophisticated eugenics-based scientific dictatorship, transhumanist at the top, that plan the extinction of almost everybody, and a new species to rise up of humans merged with machines.

    So Obama is leading the Borg? If that’s the case, resistance is futile. Heck, we don’t even have Jean Luc Picard to protect us and the Enterprise has been decommissioned. *GASP* It’s TRUE, it’s all TRUE!!!!!eleventy!!!!!

    If they really wanted to reduce population, wouldn’t the zombie apocalypse be the most efficient manner?

  18. 18
    lofgren

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Conspiracy theorists are the best science fiction writers ever.

  19. 19
    lorn

    I’ve an internet friend who shows up on some of the same forums I frequent. He is a big Alex Jones believer.

    He sucks up the whole HARP, chemtrails, mind control narratives Jones offers.

    For healthcare issues he tends to rattle on about how flu shots, vaccinations of any kind, fluoride in the water, and most of “modern medicine” is designed specifically to promote corporate profits and government control, and to promote lowered fertility, if not actual mass death.

    His plan to keep his family safe from disease and healthy involves whole grains, sprouts, and frequent applications of oregano oil to the soles of everyone’s feet. I never could nail down how oregano oil helped. When asked he rattled on with nonsense about removal of toxins and rebalanced energy flows to keep diseases at bay. He put great faith in the efficacy of the stuff.

    An interesting point is that Jones has made millions of dollars pandering to the gullible. I phrase it that way because there is some debate if he is technically a millionaire, there are claims that he may have had massive setback while speculating, or not.

  20. 20
    Mr Ed

    This whole discussion is mute. Shortly Obama and the machines will send someone back to 1985 to kill Alex’s mother preventing him from warning us. Can’t wait until this happens.

  21. 21
    Larry

    If Jones were of a certain age, I could assume his raging paranoia and fantastical conspiracies were all the result of his having taken the brown acid at Woodstock. Otherwise, I got nothin’. Kidnapped by aliens, I guess, and forced to undergo one too many anal probes.

  22. 22
    BinJabreel

    And the 50 million figure from the Georgia Guidestones shows up again. As a part of the conspiracy, I’m suddenly sad I didn’t make time to go see them when I was living in the area.

  23. 23
    Trebuchet

    This whole discussion is mute. Shortly Obama and the machines will send someone back to 1985 to kill Alex’s mother preventing him from warning us. Can’t wait until this happens.

    You mean “moot”, of course. Although I’d be much happier if Alex Jones actually was mute!

  24. 24
    ck

    Alex Jones is working for Them.

    That’s my personal pet theory. I figure that some of the assholes doing things they’d rather keep quiet fund loons like this to spout nonsense to discredit anyone who tries to expose their dirty deeds.
    “Energy companies buy up green energy companies in order to shutter them.”
    “Right, and the queen’s secretly a reptillian. <rolls eyes> Do you believe everything you hear?”

  25. 25
    RainbowSlushie^.^

    Alex Jones is working for Them.

    That’s my personal pet theory. I figure that some of the assholes doing things they’d rather keep quiet fund loons like this to spout nonsense to discredit anyone who tries to expose their dirty deeds.
    “Energy companies buy up green energy companies in order to shutter them.”
    “Right, and the queen’s secretly a reptillian. Do you believe everything you hear?”

    This pretty much =(

  26. 26
    d.c.wilson

    raven@5:

    They never need to worry about crashing and burning when all they have to do is a advance the dates and change a few names and viola! Totally new conspiracy theory!

  27. 27
    tacitus

    Will someone who loves him please tell Alex Jones that the movie Zardoz (1974) was not a prophecy.

    If it’s not Zardoz, then it’s Elysium (another “prophetic” movie according to him).

    He also went to see “Act of Killing” recently, a harrowing documentary that follows a bunch of gangsters who were the tools of a brutal crackdown on suspected Indonesian communists (anyone who was Chinese, essentually) and are still lauded for their role in the massacre to this day.

    I was curious to see how he would weave that terrible tale into his narrative, and of course, I should have guessed — Obama was in Indonesia in the 1960s and must have been taught by his father about how useful the use of armed thugs could be in maintaining power.

    And just the other Jones was babbling on about the pyramid outside the Louvre in Paris having 666 panes of glass. It’s not true, of course, but what was the source of that nugget of information — Dan Brown.

  28. 28
    democommie

    “Otherwise, I got nothin’. Kidnapped by aliens, I guess, and forced to undergo one too many anal probes.”

    Alex Jones IS an anal probe.

  29. 29
    dingojack

    Demo – well, Alex’s head is his very own anal probe at least.
    8D Dingo

  30. 30
    caseloweraz

    Alex Jones: “Everyone is going to be deindustrialized. Everyone is going to be put back in the stone age to be controlled, and then Obama, and the globalists, and the robber barons, they’re gonna fly around in their jetcopters, and their Air Force Ones, and their red carpets like gods above us, and they’re gonna get the life extension technologies…”

    Right. So here’s what we do: We get six guys who were drinking buddies in school. We send them on that pub crawl they never got to complete back then. In the course of it they’ll discover the source of the plot, the nerve center, the HQ. They’ll lay it to waste — and its technology with it!

    What do you mean, we don’t know where the HQ is? They’ll find it.

    Six guys, twelve pubs. It’s perfect! What could go wrong?

    /spoof

    Can you tell that I saw the movie The World’s End last night?

  31. 31
    CaitieCat, in no way a robot nosireebot

    Note to self: do not read websites written by autoproctologizers.

  32. 32
    francesc

    “and a new species to rise up of humans merged with machines”
    And the downside?

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