Bachmann: God Will Help Us Stop Hillary in 2016


Michele Bachmann went on Jan Markell’s radio show and was asked whether she thought Hillary Clinton was a shoe-in for the White House in 2016. She said no, of course (and she’s right), but her reasoning was, as usual, inane. It’s all because of David and Goliath.

“I don’t at all because I look at the story of David and Goliath, all David needed was one smooth stone to fell the giant. It wasn’t the stone, it wasn’t David, it was the strong right arm of a Holy God…If we repent, if we cry out to God, we have no idea what the Lord God will do for us in 2016.”

How convenient. So if Hillary doesn’t win in 2016, that will prove that God intervened. And if she does win, that will prove that we just didn’t repent or “cry out” often enough, or loud enough, or there wasn’t enough of us doing it, or we didn’t use the right wording on the prayers.

And then she unleashed one of those classic Bachmann sentences that just leaves you scratching your head wondering what the hell she’s babbling about.

“We are in times that are unprecedented,” Bachmann said. “These are the times of birth pangs, we’re seeing the intensity of age and the speed and rapidity that these events are starting to speed up so fast that we can hardly get our minds about it.”

*boggle*

Comments

  1. Randomfactor says

    David won because he eschewed modern (for his day) weaponry and armor. Had he attacked Goliath in conventional ways, he’d have been stomped.

    The lesson to be learned? The GOP candidate needs to forego modern advertising and fundraising, and rely solely on prayer as a campaign strategy. Yeah, that should do it.

  2. birgerjohansson says

    Goliath’s armor was described as typical iron-age hoplite armor. davis was supposed to have lived in the bronze age. The mismatch suggests the event is a myth.
    — — — — — — — — — — — —
    The rapidity of these rapid events are speeding up…is she talking about derivates of changes of stuff? Second derivate (acceleration)? It seems like she believes in the singularity.

  3. John Pieret says

    these events are starting to speed up so fast that we can hardly get our minds about it.

    Well, that’s true in a way … Michele hasn’t been able to get her mind around anything her entire life.

  4. raven says

    the speed and rapidity that these events are starting to speed up so fast that we can hardly get our minds about it.”

    Bachmann accidently got one thing almost right.

    She can’t get her mind around events. What she doesn’t realize is that it isn’t “we”, it is…”her”.

    And it has been a long standing problem of hers.

    WATCH: Michele Bachmann flubs almost everything about Egypt

    By Peter Weber | September 9, 2013

    This is the headline after she came back from Egypt. Michele Bachmann is the poster person for Fundie xian Induced Cognitive Impairment.

  5. raven says

    Bachmann: God Will Help Us Stop Hillary in 2016

    Needless to say, since this is Bachmann, it would be a near miracle if she is correct.

    Her god didn’t stop a Kenyan, Moslem terrorist from being elected President twice, defeating McCain/Palin and the Reptilian human hybrid, Romney. It hasn’t stopped investigations into what she did with her campaign funds. And he hasn’t stopped people from finding her amusing but not to be taken seriously.

  6. raven says

    Goliath’s armor was described as typical iron-age hoplite armor. davis was supposed to have lived in the bronze age. The mismatch suggests the event is a myth.

    Not only is it a myth, it is a rewritten myth.

    The story is told at least three times in the bible. In one of the three versions, Goliath is killed by someone else. It’s clear that the editors of the OT made a continuity error, one corrected in modern translations.

  7. Synfandel says

    “These are the times of birth pangs, we’re seeing the intensity of age and the speed and rapidity that these events are starting to speed up so fast that we can hardly get our minds about it.”

    Dubbya must be so proud.

  8. raven says

    wikipedia:

    Elhanan and Goliath[edit source]

    A Goliath makes another appearance in 2 Samuel 21:19, which tells how Goliath the Gittite was killed by “Elhanan the son of Jaare-oregim, the Bethlehemite.”

    The fourth-century B.C. 1 Chronicles explains the second Goliath by saying that Elhanan “slew Lahmi the brother of Goliath”, apparently constructing the name Lahmi from the last portion of the word “Bethlehemite” (“beit-ha’lahmi”).[9] The King James Bible translators adopted this into their translation of 2 Samuel 21:18–19, although the Hebrew text at this point makes no mention of the word “brother”. ”

    Most likely, storytellers displaced the deed from the otherwise obscure Elhanan onto the more famous character, David.”[10]

    For fans of bible trivia, there it is.

    WIkipedia also notes that much of the story is late, exaggerated during the early xian era. The inerrant, infallible bible keeps getting rewritten.

  9. says

    brianwood “It’s ‘shoo-in,'”…
    No. It’s been “shoe-in” since the Hokey Pokey Act of 1997.

    “and should be ‘…there weren’t enough of us doing it.'”
    “And shoulds be”.

  10. Moggie says

    birgerjohansson:

    It seems like she believes in the singularity.

    That’s what I immediately thought of. But she’s no Kurzweil, and she’s clearly not talking about the technological singularity. Perhaps instead there will be a stupid singularity, in which the pace of stupid will accelerate to such a point that what happens beyond it is impossible for people who aren’t Bachmann to predict. We need her, to help us survive this brave new stupid future.

  11. Synfandel says

    brianwood:

    It’s “shoo-in,” and should be “…there weren’t enough of us doing it.”

    It comes off looking petty and pedantic, but it feels so good, doesn’t it? I know.

  12. Chiroptera says

    “We are in times that are unprecedented,” Bachmann said.

    Indeed. A black man being elected President of the US? A woman being considered as a serious candidate for President? Extremely unprecedented! (But in a good way. In my opinion.)

    .”..and the speed and rapidity that these events are starting to speed up so fast that we can hardly get our minds about it.”

    Sorry. I’ll…try…to…speak…more…slowly.

  13. says

    “Perhaps instead there will be a stupid singularity”

    They already made that movie.

    Bachmann should be more concerned about whether gawd will keep her out of jail for violating campaign financing laws.

  14. marcus says

    “We are in times that are unprecedented,” Bachmann said. “These are the times of birth pangs, we’re seeing the intensity of age and the speed and rapidity that these events are starting to speed up so fast that we can hardly get our minds about it.”
    Now where did I put that Palin to English phrasebook?

  15. zero6ix says

    the speed and rapidity that these events are starting to speed up so fast

    Someone should go back to their job as supervisor of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy.

  16. busterggi says

    Is this the same god that told her she would be elected POTUS in 2012?

    Man, he’s really found a sucker.

  17. some bastard on the net says

    “We are in times that are unprecedented,” Bachmann said. “These are the times of birth pangs, we’re seeing the intensity of age and the speed and rapidity that these events are starting to speed up so fast that we can hardly get our minds about it.”

    This brain has performed an illegal operation, and will be terminated.

  18. eric says

    Shoo-in for WH? I’d say at this point she’s not even a shoo-in for Democratic candidate. Frontrunner, maybe. But three years is a long time in politics.

  19. Funny Diva says

    *raises hand, squirms in seat* ooooh! ooooh! Sir! Sir!

    I got this one…

    Long time ago, in my personal dark ages of fundie-dom, I went to a fundy private school. My 8th Grade history teacher was a genius for demos and stuff…he would’ve been a great public school teacher except for, you know, the “because JESUS” part.

    One day we filed out onto the playground for a demonstration (this Jr High was in an old elementary school de-commissioned by the public school district.
    Part one: bicycle wheel with a red tab near the center and a green one near the edge…spin…lookie! Green goes faster than red!
    Part two: class lined up side-by-side, half facing North, half facing South…now “ROTATE!”
    lookie! people on the ends have to run and still can’t keep up with the people in the middle who are moving pretty slowly.

    Conclusion: Events SPEED UP in TEH END TIMES (TM). Things are Going Fast NOW, so…END TIMES!!1!!!11!elebenty!
    Seriously…I am NOT making this up. And this was a bit over 30 years ago…

    So I think Ms Bachmann is, in her own inimitably mangling fashion, mangling an old fundamentalist, eschatological trope.
    I have high confidence that this is the case because in the last year or so I’ve also heard a LOT of anti-abortion arguments that are recycled from things I was told at Bible Study…also about 30 years ago.

    And maybe the birth pangs thing is a mangling of some of the images in the Revelations to Paul?

    Oh, and in fairness to that history teacher, he was actually quite sound on the US Constitution. Maybe Justice Scalia should get in touch for remedial work!

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