Quantcast

«

»

Aug 14 2013

Tree Weeps Tears of Jesus

From the Some People Will Fall For Damn Near Anything Department: Credulous ignorami (is that a word? It is now) are flocking to a tree outside a Catholic Church in Fresno, believing that it is weeping the tears of God. Someone should sell some tortillas with Jesus on them to the crowd too.

Rosemarie Navarro, a parishioner at a Fresno, California Catholic Church says, “I said my prayer and asked the Lord to give me a miracle cause I’m really, really sick.”

Navarro counts herself among the believers, a small but growing group that thinks the liquid dripping from this Crape Myrtle tree is the tears of God.

Parishioner Maria Ybarra says, “When you say ‘glory be to God in Jesus name’ the tree starts throwing out more water.”

On close inspection, arborist Jon Reelhorn agrees, something is falling from the tree in front of St. Johns Cathedral. But it isn’t water.

“The aphides will suck the sap, the sap goes through the aphid and then it is a honey dew excrement from the aphid and it gets so heavy in the summertime that it will drip down,” Reelhorn says.

He calls it a natural process. He also found another tree dripping across the street.

They should send Sanal Edamaruku to debunk it. At least he wouldn’t be arrested for blasphemy for it here.

29 comments

Skip to comment form

  1. 1
    doublereed

    There’s a maple tree out back that weeps the most delicious tears…

  2. 2
    karmacat

    So, they are praying to aphid poop…

  3. 3
    Modusoperandi

    [Jon Reelhorn] calls it a natural process. He also found another tree dripping across the street.

    The miracle is spreading! Bless the Lord!

  4. 4
    John Pieret

    Aphid shit seems like an appropriate sign from god.

  5. 5
    Anthony K

    God apparently had a sad summer up here a couple of years ago. Jesus tears are hell to scrape off a windshield.

  6. 6
    Anthony K

    Aphid shit seems like an appropriate sign from god.

    It sure is if you’re ants.

  7. 7
    Phillip IV

    Parishioner Maria Ybarra says, “When you say ‘glory be to God in Jesus name’ the tree starts throwing out more water.”

    So they’ve found a tree that weeps the tears of God, and they have nothing better to do than staging experiments about how to make it cry harder? Strange kind of veneration. Perhaps they should experiment with a gay marriage ceremony in front of the tree – if that doesn’t make it cry rivers, it’s clearly not their god.

  8. 8
    ArtK

    Aphid shit seems like an appropriate sign from god.

    You know, the Bible never really explained what that “manna” stuff was that God sent to feed the Israelites. Since God is a nasty old bastard, I can just imagine him laughing: “Look, those idiots are so hungry they’re eating aphid shit! If they’d just stop following that Moses guy like a bunch of ants, they’d be able to settle down and get their own food!”

  9. 9
    raven

    Someone should sell some tortillas with Jesus on them to the crowd too.

    No problem.

    Someone makes a toaster that prints an image of jesus onto every slice of bread. It would work on tortillas as well.

    Amazon.com: The Jesus Toaster: Kitchen & Dining
    www. amazon. com/Burnt-Impressions-The-Jesus-Toaster/…/B0042QRYO…‎

    Working toaster; Imprints the face of Jesus on your toast; Toaster has 7 heat settings; Makes a wonderful gift; Start your day with some daily bread …

    They have one for the Virgin Mary as well. I don’t know about Cthulhu though.

  10. 10
    naturalcynic

    Stupid sap.

  11. 11
    Skip White

    Of course “Ignorami” is a word. They’re the bizarro version of the Illuminati.

  12. 12
    Moggie

    Rosemarie Navarro, a parishioner at a Fresno, California Catholic Church says, “I said my prayer and asked the Lord to give me a miracle cause I’m really, really sick.”

    And the Miracle of the Damp Tree helps how? That’s pretty sad.

  13. 13
    Quodlibet

    Rosemarie Navarro, a parishioner at a Fresno, California Catholic Church says, “I said my prayer and asked the Lord to give me a miracle cause I’m really, really sick.”

    And Ms. Navarro thinks that this “weeping” tree is a reasonable response from God to her prayer for [presumably] healing? Low expectations are easily satisfied.

  14. 14
    Quodlibet

    Jinx, Moggie. :-)

  15. 15
    coragyps

    Hello Kitty toasters are also out there somewhere. Now that is a miracle!

  16. 16
    Michael Heath

    karmacat writes:

    So, they are praying to aphid poop…

    True, but aphid shit equals God’s tears.

  17. 17
    parasharkrishnamachari

    It’s actually “ignoramuses”, because the root Latin word is actually a verb, not a noun. Technically, in Latin, it’s already plural to begin with, but in any case, it does mean you treat it with an ordinary English pluralization instead of the treatment given to masculine nouns. This also applies to the plural of “Jesus”, since its root is also a verb.

    To add a little cynical suspicion to the picture, actually, I think these people are brilliant. This is nothing more than a preliminary stunt to start selling miracle tree water for the low low price of $49.95 per vial plus $7.95 S&H. And if you act now, we will also send you a miracle cloth embedded with linen threads taken straight from the Shroud of Turin!

  18. 18
    voidhawk

    Wait, have none of these bozos ever seen tree sap before? Have they never parked under a tree and found the sticky substance on their windsceen? When I was a kid we used to say that it was the trees ‘sweating.’ I remember learning about amber when I found a bug trapped in sticky sap on my school playing fields. At least the weeping Mary statue was something genuinely different and surprising. it’s like going to Niagra Falls and falling in wonder at the ‘weeping cliffs.’

    “Of course “Ignorami” is a word. They’re the bizarro version of the Illuminati.”

    Oooh, I love the idea of a secret society working in parallel to the Illuminati but trying to keep the populace dumb, it sounds like the great foundation of a comedy novel.

  19. 19
    tsig

    No one’s going to be dumb enough to think the church would let you have real SoT threads, what we have are prayer cloths blessed in the sanctuary of the SoT by the the High, Holy Blessedness Himself.

  20. 20
    Matt G

    So she prays to ask god to help her get better, and god cries into a tree? How does that help, and is she any better?

  21. 21
    dingojack

    Perhaps Ent Jesus has only just heard* of the crimes committed by the Catholic Church in his name. The kinds of crimes that would make a stone weep..
    Dingo
    ——-
    * Ents have never been known to be hasty

  22. 22
    Carlos Cabanita

    Telling Christians marveling at a miracle that it isn’t such may be dangerous. In Lisbon, in 1487, a crowd became engrossed in the St. Domingos church, about a strange light coming from the sacrarium (the box in the altar where the wafers are stored) and saying it was the Holy Ghost. A New Christian (meaning a Jew recently force-converted to Christianity) ventured the opinion that it was only a ray of light from a window. The furious crowd killed him at once, then, with some encouragement from monks and priests, came outside and slaughtered some five hundred men, women and children, among the New Christians, Jews and Muslims they could find, or at least that looked like them.

    When I was a boy, my parents forced me to go to a Fatima pilgrimage. It was totally scary, because I coudn’t stop finding the scene extremely funny, but I could not laugh, because those thousands of faithful could easilly turn physical on me…

  23. 23
    lpetrich

    Here’s a cute thing about aphids: their reproduction.

    During their plants’ growing season, they reproduce by parthenogenesis: virgin birth. When the season ends, they reproduce sexually and their eggs await the next growing season.

  24. 24
    rr

    This is nothing more than a preliminary stunt to start selling miracle tree water for the low low price of $49.95 per vial plus $7.95 S&H.

    Don’t forget the T-shirts: Jesus Gang 2013 Summer Tour, Fresno Bugshit Miracle.

  25. 25
    Gregory in Seattle

    Some people make a fetish of being peed on. I never thought I would see aphid piss being turned into a religious fetish, though.

  26. 26
    arakasi

    This is nothing more than a preliminary stunt to start selling miracle tree water for the low low price of $49.95 per vial plus $7.95 S&H.

    I’ve heard that C.M.O.T. Dibbler was spotted placing an order for a thousand cheap plastic bottles.

  27. 27
    unemployedphilosopher

    @dingo:

    If it really is Ent Jesus, shouldn’t we be looking for growth spurts in whoever drinks the water? And given the long absence of the Ent-wives, shouldn’t we be concerned about what’s actually in that “water” — beyond aphid excretion, that is.

  28. 28
    grumpyoldfart

    It’s not a real miracle until there’s a lady sitting behind a trestle table selling souvenirs.

  29. 29
    John Phillips, FCD

    Voidhawk #18, it’s not so secret, it’s called the Republican party.

Leave a Reply

Switch to our mobile site