Enlow: Govt., Media As It Is in Heaven

Johnny Enlow is the founder of Seven Mountains Dominionism and, amusingly, he seems to think he knows how the government and the media operate in heaven. Wait, there’s a media in heaven? Like a nightly newscast? What’s to report, exactly?

I find this idea of a heavenly media quite amusing. Is there a “Good Morning Heaven” show with celebrity interviews? Is there a weather report? Is there a Sportscenter? And does it just report on athletes thanking God for winning? And what is the media like in Valhalla and Shangri-La?

33 comments on this post.
  1. Chiroptera:

    I thought heaven was all about the saved sitting on bleachers for eternity, gazing adoringly at God.

  2. richardelguru:

    Can’t speak for the rest, but the news in Valhalla is pretty-well indistinguishable from the new down here.

  3. richardelguru:

    +s

  4. Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant):

    This just in: Everything is perfect. More at 11.

  5. Hercules Grytpype-Thynne:

    Wait, there’s a media in heaven? Like a nightly newscast? What’s to report, exactly?

    There’s a “today in Hell” segment detailing the specific tortures being employed on that particular day:

    Wherefore in order that the happiness of the saints may be more delightful to them and that they may render more copious thanks to God for it, they are allowed to see perfectly the sufferings of the damned. – Aquinas, Summa Theologica

  6. Draken:

    PORRIDGE, GOLDEN BOWL PRODUCTION MEETS QUOTA FOR 6001ST YEAR IN ROW

    …you do have the children’s tale that in heaven the children eat porridge from golden bowls, right? Now you have.

  7. Strewth:

    I imagine Heaven News would be a lot like North Korea News. “Today the great leader did something amazing again. Gosh he’s great. We’re all so lucky to be here and have the opportunity to worship him. Coming up next, one sports team shines with great leader’s light, while the other learns an important lesson in humility from the great leader, and is ennobled by it.”

  8. steve oberski:

    It’s Christmas in Heaven

  9. Phillip IV:

    What’s to report, exactly?

    The newest scandals from God’s family, probably. I’ve heard his son is constantly in trouble with the law.

  10. Moggie:

    Strewth:

    I imagine Heaven News would be a lot like North Korea News. “Today the great leader did something amazing again. Gosh he’s great. We’re all so lucky to be here and have the opportunity to worship him. Coming up next, one sports team shines with great leader’s light, while the other learns an important lesson in humility from the great leader, and is ennobled by it.”

    Well, you wouldn’t want him to wish you into the cornfield, would you?

  11. Thumper; Atheist mate:

    “Breaking news: Everything’s fine. It’s aaaaaall fine. *sips water* Aaaaahh!”

  12. Thumper; Atheist mate:

    @strewth #7

    It’s not the done thing to win the thread so early. Just not cricket, old chap.

  13. dingojack:

    Ooh – tell me what the heavenly media are doing!
    Are the heavenly paparazzi chasing Diana into a heavenly Parisian tunnel?
    Dingo

  14. busterggi:

    Well Heaven is supposed to be a ‘benevolent’ dictatorship so I expect the comparison to North Korea ia about right – just an eternal infomercial/propaganda show. But will those condemned to Heaven actually have time to watch when they’re supposed to be constantly & eternally praising god to keep him from changing his mind and condemning them to Hell?

  15. eric:

    Well, I’ll give him this; the idea of people in heaven needing a news service is a lot less creepy than the idea that they know/percieve everything that goes on directly.

  16. Artor:

    The media in Valhalla is constant replays of the day’s best eviscerations, and ads outlining what mead is on tap that evening, and who earned the best cut of roast boar.

  17. Moggie:

    The news must be really dull in a place where nothing ever happens.

  18. Nancy New, Queen of your Regulatory Nightmare:

    Clearly this is the most up-to-date version of “Telephone to Glory.”

    For those who didn’t grow up with my delightful parent’s sense of humor–here’s the chorus…

    Telephone to glory–Oh that joy divine.
    You can feel the current as it moves along the line.
    Built by God the Father, for his loved and owned
    YOu can talk to Jesus on the ROyal telephone.

  19. kantalope:

    Ah, the community events page:

    choir practice
    choir practice
    choir practice
    choir practice

  20. frankb:

    Well, you wouldn’t want him to wish you into the cornfield, would you?

    But Iowa is just like heaven, plus we got mosquitos.

  21. sigurd jorsalfar:

    The dirty little secret about Heaven is that no one up there watches local programming. They are too busy bittorrenting the latest shows from Hell.

  22. Hercules Grytpype-Thynne:

    @kantalope

    Don’t forget the harp ensemble.

  23. dingojack:

    sigurd jorsalfar – I would have thought they’d be skyping hell*.
    Dingo
    ——-
    * ‘Heaven for the views, but hell for the conversation’.

  24. Hercules Grytpype-Thynne:

    @frankb:

    Not that cornfield.

    The one where Anthony Fremont sent people who displeased him.

  25. bushrat:

    I always imagined a media report from Real Heaven(TM), not that fake Xtian or Muslim one, would go like this.

    “Today, the Hooker Factory announced that they were back up to full production after last weeks tragic K-Y jelly vat rupture, that shut down several production lines.. The head production engineer stated that the Sexy Asian Cheerleader, Naughty Nurse and Steve the Construction Worker lines were operating at peak efficiency again with improved models already rolling off the production floor.

    In other news, the Beer Volcano erupted with a delightful Lager yesterday, which was promptly pumped into the FSM Brewery reserve tanks for distribution to all of the Pubs, Bars and Brothels in the Celestial domain. The FSM Brewery geologic staff thinks that the latest frothy eruption will continue for approximately 1 week, after which they are predicting that there will be a tectonic shift which should produce some excellent Stouts.

    In sports, the Mud Wrestling Championships are in full swing. The men’s finals were held last night at the Thunderdome. In a surprise upset, Rip Danger beat out Joey ‘Pecs’ Murphy to win the belt. Stay tuned for tonight’s women’s finals, where the current favorite Tatas Malone will take on challenger Candy ‘Tight Buns’ Takamora. After last weeks Coed Amateur Oil Wrestling Tournament the cage matches have been temporarily suspended till structural reinforcements can be added to the Zero-G Bouncy Castle. However, due to popular demand, the Tournament footage will be rerun in Slo-Mo till the cage matches start again…

  26. zippythepinhead:

    David Byrne said “Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens” (“who could imagine that nothing at all could be so exciting, could be this much fun”). Even though the news in heaven is about nothing, it’s incredibly interesting. I guess you just have to be there.

  27. Strewth:

    @12 Terribly sorry, Thumper old bean. I shall endeavour to be more circumspect in future regarding the deployment of my unmatched wit, what. Cheerio.

  28. ianken:

    The news in Valhalla would be awesome. Interviews with hot valkyrie and the badasses they’d pulled from the field of battle. who prevailed in last night’s brawls. Pure win.

  29. janiceintoronto:

    You Americans really have no shortage of nutballs, do you…

  30. Wylann:

    Where do you think ‘Not Necessarily the Nine-o-clock News’ comes from?

  31. Hercules Grytpype-Thynne:

    @janiceintoronto

    Apparently we do, because we’ve started importing them from New Zealand (Ray Comfort) and Australia (Ken Ham)

  32. Doug Little:

    So why can’t we detect the transmissions then?

  33. Doug Little:

    bushrat @25,

    All said with a pirate accent. Arrrrrrr.

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