Enlow: Govt., Media As It Is in Heaven


Johnny Enlow is the founder of Seven Mountains Dominionism and, amusingly, he seems to think he knows how the government and the media operate in heaven. Wait, there’s a media in heaven? Like a nightly newscast? What’s to report, exactly?

I find this idea of a heavenly media quite amusing. Is there a “Good Morning Heaven” show with celebrity interviews? Is there a weather report? Is there a Sportscenter? And does it just report on athletes thanking God for winning? And what is the media like in Valhalla and Shangri-La?

Comments

  1. Chiroptera says

    I thought heaven was all about the saved sitting on bleachers for eternity, gazing adoringly at God.

  2. Hercules Grytpype-Thynne says

    Wait, there’s a media in heaven? Like a nightly newscast? What’s to report, exactly?

    There’s a “today in Hell” segment detailing the specific tortures being employed on that particular day:

    Wherefore in order that the happiness of the saints may be more delightful to them and that they may render more copious thanks to God for it, they are allowed to see perfectly the sufferings of the damned. – Aquinas, Summa Theologica

  3. Draken says

    PORRIDGE, GOLDEN BOWL PRODUCTION MEETS QUOTA FOR 6001ST YEAR IN ROW

    …you do have the children’s tale that in heaven the children eat porridge from golden bowls, right? Now you have.

  4. says

    I imagine Heaven News would be a lot like North Korea News. “Today the great leader did something amazing again. Gosh he’s great. We’re all so lucky to be here and have the opportunity to worship him. Coming up next, one sports team shines with great leader’s light, while the other learns an important lesson in humility from the great leader, and is ennobled by it.”

  5. Phillip IV says

    What’s to report, exactly?

    The newest scandals from God’s family, probably. I’ve heard his son is constantly in trouble with the law.

  6. Moggie says

    Strewth:

    I imagine Heaven News would be a lot like North Korea News. “Today the great leader did something amazing again. Gosh he’s great. We’re all so lucky to be here and have the opportunity to worship him. Coming up next, one sports team shines with great leader’s light, while the other learns an important lesson in humility from the great leader, and is ennobled by it.”

    Well, you wouldn’t want him to wish you into the cornfield, would you?

  7. Thumper; Atheist mate says

    “Breaking news: Everything’s fine. It’s aaaaaall fine. *sips water* Aaaaahh!”

  8. Thumper; Atheist mate says

    @strewth #7

    It’s not the done thing to win the thread so early. Just not cricket, old chap.

  9. dingojack says

    Ooh – tell me what the heavenly media are doing!
    Are the heavenly paparazzi chasing Diana into a heavenly Parisian tunnel?
    Dingo

  10. busterggi says

    Well Heaven is supposed to be a ‘benevolent’ dictatorship so I expect the comparison to North Korea ia about right – just an eternal infomercial/propaganda show. But will those condemned to Heaven actually have time to watch when they’re supposed to be constantly & eternally praising god to keep him from changing his mind and condemning them to Hell?

  11. eric says

    Well, I’ll give him this; the idea of people in heaven needing a news service is a lot less creepy than the idea that they know/percieve everything that goes on directly.

  12. Artor says

    The media in Valhalla is constant replays of the day’s best eviscerations, and ads outlining what mead is on tap that evening, and who earned the best cut of roast boar.

  13. Nancy New, Queen of your Regulatory Nightmare says

    Clearly this is the most up-to-date version of “Telephone to Glory.”

    For those who didn’t grow up with my delightful parent’s sense of humor–here’s the chorus…

    Telephone to glory–Oh that joy divine.
    You can feel the current as it moves along the line.
    Built by God the Father, for his loved and owned
    YOu can talk to Jesus on the ROyal telephone.

  14. kantalope says

    Ah, the community events page:

    choir practice
    choir practice
    choir practice
    choir practice

  15. frankb says

    Well, you wouldn’t want him to wish you into the cornfield, would you?

    But Iowa is just like heaven, plus we got mosquitos.

  16. sigurd jorsalfar says

    The dirty little secret about Heaven is that no one up there watches local programming. They are too busy bittorrenting the latest shows from Hell.

  17. dingojack says

    sigurd jorsalfar – I would have thought they’d be skyping hell*.
    Dingo
    ——-
    * ‘Heaven for the views, but hell for the conversation’.

  18. bushrat says

    I always imagined a media report from Real Heaven(TM), not that fake Xtian or Muslim one, would go like this.

    “Today, the Hooker Factory announced that they were back up to full production after last weeks tragic K-Y jelly vat rupture, that shut down several production lines.. The head production engineer stated that the Sexy Asian Cheerleader, Naughty Nurse and Steve the Construction Worker lines were operating at peak efficiency again with improved models already rolling off the production floor.

    In other news, the Beer Volcano erupted with a delightful Lager yesterday, which was promptly pumped into the FSM Brewery reserve tanks for distribution to all of the Pubs, Bars and Brothels in the Celestial domain. The FSM Brewery geologic staff thinks that the latest frothy eruption will continue for approximately 1 week, after which they are predicting that there will be a tectonic shift which should produce some excellent Stouts.

    In sports, the Mud Wrestling Championships are in full swing. The men’s finals were held last night at the Thunderdome. In a surprise upset, Rip Danger beat out Joey ‘Pecs’ Murphy to win the belt. Stay tuned for tonight’s women’s finals, where the current favorite Tatas Malone will take on challenger Candy ‘Tight Buns’ Takamora. After last weeks Coed Amateur Oil Wrestling Tournament the cage matches have been temporarily suspended till structural reinforcements can be added to the Zero-G Bouncy Castle. However, due to popular demand, the Tournament footage will be rerun in Slo-Mo till the cage matches start again…

  19. zippythepinhead says

    David Byrne said “Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens” (“who could imagine that nothing at all could be so exciting, could be this much fun”). Even though the news in heaven is about nothing, it’s incredibly interesting. I guess you just have to be there.

  20. says

    @12 Terribly sorry, Thumper old bean. I shall endeavour to be more circumspect in future regarding the deployment of my unmatched wit, what. Cheerio.

  21. ianken says

    The news in Valhalla would be awesome. Interviews with hot valkyrie and the badasses they’d pulled from the field of battle. who prevailed in last night’s brawls. Pure win.

  22. Hercules Grytpype-Thynne says

    @janiceintoronto

    Apparently we do, because we’ve started importing them from New Zealand (Ray Comfort) and Australia (Ken Ham)

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