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Jul 23 2013

Jacobs Gives ‘Common Sense’ Advice on Demons

Our old friend Cindy Jacobs takes a break from eating from her bottomless spaghetti bowl to make a “common sense guide” to battling demons. For instance, when she flies, she’ll “bind” the demons on the airplane and on the area where the plane lands so she won’t get depressed. Good advice.

28 comments

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  1. 1
    karmacat

    She really needs to stop watching those twilight zone episodes

  2. 2
    Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)

    Those tricksy, fun-loving demons. Always getting on airplanes to depress people.

  3. 3
    imrryr

    Christ, can you imagine sitting next to Cindy Jacobs on a plane for several hours? I’d imagine the people in her row wouldn’t mind having some of that demon-binding power themselves.

  4. 4
    roggg

    Come on guys…dont make fun. That’s just good common sense. Of course you’re going to bind the powers of darkness that are affecting you. What else you going to do when you’re feeling down?

  5. 5
    Who Knows?

    Listening to that thinking, this woman is off her rocker, when suddenly at the end. “Of course, this is common sense.”

    LOL.

  6. 6
    Dunc

    Isn’t this witchcraft?

  7. 7
    democommie

    Cindy, Pro-tip for ya, honey.

    When binding demons, it is best to so while submerging yourself in a washtub full of water, three times–and coming up for air, twice. Get back to us on this and make sure that we had the formula right. kthxbye.

  8. 8
    shockwaver

    “I will bind the powers of darkness” – I’m pretty sure that’s part of an incantation to summon a demon or raise the dead.

  9. 9
    Gregory in Seattle

    For binding demons, I find that the double half-hitch works best. And if you know a bit of macramé, demons can make excellent wall hangings.

  10. 10
    Larry

    For binding demons, I find that the double half-hitch works best.

    That’s not going to work! All professional demon binders know that the diamond hitch is the knot you use to contain those wily critters. Yes, it takes some practice but once you’ve learned it, them demons ain’t going noplace.

  11. 11
    Avo, also nigelTheBold

    Great. She has binders full of demons.

  12. 12
    Kevin, Youhao Huo Mao

    I prefer to bind them with that Japanese bondage-tying style.

  13. 13
    grumpyoldfart

    Cindy is just a strange old lady with a preference for up the nostrils camera angles.

    The sad thing is that her flock believe every word she says. Some of them are rich and powerful (and there’s the real problem).

  14. 14
    Nick Gotts

    I prefer to bind them with that Japanese bondage-tying style. – KevinKat

    I do hope you’re ensuring enthusiastic consent on the demons’ part!

  15. 15
    jnorris

    I just pay the optional “Demon Binding” fee the airline charges. That way I can sue them if I get depressed. Also, there’s a 10% senior citizen discount with your Dungeons & Dragons membership.

  16. 16
    Marcus Ranum

    Sounds like someone’s been reading too much Harry Potter.

  17. 17
    blf

    If she’s engaging in kinky sexual practices with the daemons — I didn’t know you could do that on scheduled commercial flights — then what is powering the flying machine? Those daemons are there for a reason you know!

  18. 18
    StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return!

    Jacobs Gives ‘Common Sense’ Advice on Demons

    Talk about a misleading headline!

  19. 19
    Doug Little

    What is she trying to bind daemons to? If it’s an inbound connection across a firewall then it’s generally best to use rbind() to do the work.

  20. 20
    kimbeaux

    In addition to the enthusiastic consent mentioned above, shouldn’t she agree on a safe word before binding the demon?

    “Ow ow ow! My safe word is ow!

  21. 21
    Red-Green in Blue

    “Please Cindy don’t smile, please, oh please, just don’t do that smile, you know, that one which you do with just your mouth and not your eyes which makes you look as if you’re about to kill s—”

  22. 22
    evilDoug

    A little ethanedial will bind the annoying brimstoney stench of demons quite satisfactorily. Toss in some EDTA for good measure.
    I also understand that a goodly largesome chunk of hard cheese can be quite binding.

  23. 23
    Draken

    In a plane, I bind the demons of Darkness with the little overhead light switch. Careful not to press the wrong button or you’ll summon the Ærial Flight Attendant.

  24. 24
    Barefoot Bree

    Me too me too! I bind those demons on every flight. Demon Rum, Demon Scotch, Demon Vodka. A good stiff Bloody Mary or a margarita on the rocks and those demons are bound tight to my hip!

    I always try to fly a little tighter than my seatbelt.

  25. 25
    John Hinkle

    Gregory in Seattle:

    For binding demons, I find that the double half-hitch works best. And if you know a bit of macramé, demons can make excellent wall hangings.

    Not to mention excellent conversation starters.

  26. 26
    Rip Steakface

    I tend to bind the demons I come across into a pen and paper. Makes for some awesome stories.

  27. 27
    caseloweraz

    It would probably be simpler to banish them from the plane with this command:

    “In the name of Rhiall, scourge of demons, I command you begone!”

    Just be sure you get the wording exactly right.

  28. 28
    caseloweraz

    I tried to listen to the video, but stopped it at twelve seconds because I couldn’t take her voice.

    A scene from The Man with Two Brains flashed into my mind. But I’d best not go there…

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