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Jacobs Gives ‘Common Sense’ Advice on Demons

Our old friend Cindy Jacobs takes a break from eating from her bottomless spaghetti bowl to make a “common sense guide” to battling demons. For instance, when she flies, she’ll “bind” the demons on the airplane and on the area where the plane lands so she won’t get depressed. Good advice.

Comments

  1. imrryr says

    Christ, can you imagine sitting next to Cindy Jacobs on a plane for several hours? I’d imagine the people in her row wouldn’t mind having some of that demon-binding power themselves.

  2. roggg says

    Come on guys…dont make fun. That’s just good common sense. Of course you’re going to bind the powers of darkness that are affecting you. What else you going to do when you’re feeling down?

  3. Who Knows? says

    Listening to that thinking, this woman is off her rocker, when suddenly at the end. “Of course, this is common sense.”

    LOL.

  4. says

    Cindy, Pro-tip for ya, honey.

    When binding demons, it is best to so while submerging yourself in a washtub full of water, three times–and coming up for air, twice. Get back to us on this and make sure that we had the formula right. kthxbye.

  5. shockwaver says

    “I will bind the powers of darkness” – I’m pretty sure that’s part of an incantation to summon a demon or raise the dead.

  6. Larry says

    For binding demons, I find that the double half-hitch works best.

    That’s not going to work! All professional demon binders know that the diamond hitch is the knot you use to contain those wily critters. Yes, it takes some practice but once you’ve learned it, them demons ain’t going noplace.

  7. grumpyoldfart says

    Cindy is just a strange old lady with a preference for up the nostrils camera angles.

    The sad thing is that her flock believe every word she says. Some of them are rich and powerful (and there’s the real problem).

  8. Nick Gotts says

    I prefer to bind them with that Japanese bondage-tying style. – KevinKat

    I do hope you’re ensuring enthusiastic consent on the demons’ part!

  9. jnorris says

    I just pay the optional “Demon Binding” fee the airline charges. That way I can sue them if I get depressed. Also, there’s a 10% senior citizen discount with your Dungeons & Dragons membership.

  10. blf says

    If she’s engaging in kinky sexual practices with the daemons — I didn’t know you could do that on scheduled commercial flights — then what is powering the flying machine? Those daemons are there for a reason you know!

  11. StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return! says

    Jacobs Gives ‘Common Sense’ Advice on Demons

    Talk about a misleading headline!

  12. Doug Little says

    What is she trying to bind daemons to? If it’s an inbound connection across a firewall then it’s generally best to use rbind() to do the work.

  13. kimbeaux says

    In addition to the enthusiastic consent mentioned above, shouldn’t she agree on a safe word before binding the demon?

    “Ow ow ow! My safe word is ow!

  14. Red-Green in Blue says

    “Please Cindy don’t smile, please, oh please, just don’t do that smile, you know, that one which you do with just your mouth and not your eyes which makes you look as if you’re about to kill s—”

  15. evilDoug says

    A little ethanedial will bind the annoying brimstoney stench of demons quite satisfactorily. Toss in some EDTA for good measure.
    I also understand that a goodly largesome chunk of hard cheese can be quite binding.

  16. Draken says

    In a plane, I bind the demons of Darkness with the little overhead light switch. Careful not to press the wrong button or you’ll summon the Ærial Flight Attendant.

  17. says

    Me too me too! I bind those demons on every flight. Demon Rum, Demon Scotch, Demon Vodka. A good stiff Bloody Mary or a margarita on the rocks and those demons are bound tight to my hip!

    I always try to fly a little tighter than my seatbelt.

  18. John Hinkle says

    Gregory in Seattle:

    For binding demons, I find that the double half-hitch works best. And if you know a bit of macramé, demons can make excellent wall hangings.

    Not to mention excellent conversation starters.

  19. Rip Steakface says

    I tend to bind the demons I come across into a pen and paper. Makes for some awesome stories.

  20. caseloweraz says

    It would probably be simpler to banish them from the plane with this command:

    “In the name of Rhiall, scourge of demons, I command you begone!”

    Just be sure you get the wording exactly right.

  21. caseloweraz says

    I tried to listen to the video, but stopped it at twelve seconds because I couldn’t take her voice.

    A scene from The Man with Two Brains flashed into my mind. But I’d best not go there…

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