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Jul 18 2013

Things to Do in Australia When You’re Horny

A Christian college in Australia has put out a pamphlet to students called “101 things to do instead of doing it,” which provides a long list of things you can do to take your mind off having sex and keep you chaste until you get married. Some of them are pretty damn funny:

SOME SUGGESTIONS A QUEENSLAND CHRISTIAN SCHOOL GAVE STUDENTS TO DO INSTEAD OF SEX:

*Blow bubbles in the park

*Pretend you’re six again

*Look at clouds and see what you can make them into

*Surprise your parents by cleaning the house

*Have a water fight

*Go fruit picking

*Go to Macca’s in formals

*Make lunch for the elderly

*Share a drink with two straws

*Visit the RSPCA

*Have a burping contest

A burping contest? Clean your parents’ house? Yep, that’ll do it.

54 comments

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  1. 1
    badgersdaughter

    That excerpt actually looks like a fun list of things my husband and I can plan to do when we’re not, ahem, “otherwise occupied”. lol…

  2. 2
    Reginald Selkirk

    “Go fruit picking” – yeah, because that turned out so well for Adam and Eve.

  3. 3
    Raging Bee

    The one thing that will REALLY get your mind off sex, make you feel reasonably good for awhile, and not cause any bad consequences for yourself or anyone else, is the one thing those Christians have spent centuries lying about and condemning as evil, shameful, demonic, destructive, and who-the-fuck-knows-what-else. These people are just plain demented.

  4. 4
    erichoug

    The cloud watching idea is terrible. I would sit there turning all the passing water vapor into pornography until I couldn’t stand it any more and went to doink her.

  5. 5
    Raging Bee

    And another thing: where in the Bible is that thing I alluded to actually condemned or forbidden?

  6. 6
    dingojack

    *Have a water fight.

    And once you’re all hot, steamy and foamy from the suds yod’d better strip off those wet clothes ….. No wait,.
    Better try the next on the list….

    *Go fruit picking.

    Pick all those round, juicy ripe fruits so smooth and sweet smelling reminding me of….. NO NO NO!!
    Better try the next one….

    *Go to Macca’s in formals.

    Won’t Macca be pissed off when you rock up. But he’ll get over it. And soon you’ll find yourself sharing Macca’s famous hotub o’ threesomness…. DAMN. This list ain’t helping at all.

    :D Dingo

  7. 7
    John Pieret

    Look at clouds and see what you can make them into

    Since these kids are (supposedly!) suffering a serious lack of sex, what do you suppose they are going to see in those clouds? That’s supposed to help?

  8. 8
    iangould

    Is “get drunk” on there?

  9. 9
    Gregory in Seattle

    I remember something similar from when I was in college in the very early 90s; it was published by the Humboldt County department of health as part of a push to raise public awareness of STDs in general and HIV in particular. That one was science based, though, and included suggestions that I strongly suspect were not in the Aussie Christian pamphlet.

  10. 10
    Chiroptera

    Pretend you’re six again

    I hear that there are people who are into that fetish.

  11. 11
    Modusoperandi

    Small world. We invented sex so that we could avoid doing those other things.

  12. 12
    Michael Brew

    None of these things is remotely as fun as sex. In fact, some of those things sound suspiciously like “work.”

  13. 13
    sprocket

    How about a “Things to think about instead of religion” list instead.

  14. 14
    holytape

    “Water fight?” Because soaking wet t-shirts and swim suits take the mind of sex.

  15. 15
    billdaniels

    Who is this “Bubbles” guy and can I blow him somewhere else? I’m not into public sex. Any more.

  16. 16
    kosk11348

    “Pretend you are both six again…all smooth down there with absolutely no libido whatsoever. Because the best way to deal with sexual feelings is to pretend you don’t actually have them. Works like a charm!”

  17. 17
    Abby Normal

    * Build a scrap book of STD photos from medical journals

    —-

    Strange how “masturbate” didn’t make the list. When I’m horny but don’t want to “do it,” masturbation usually works for me.

  18. 18
    Gregory in Seattle

    @Raging Bee #5 – It is one of those (many!) things not explicitly condemned, but can be derived piecemeal. Quoting from the Revised Standard Version:

    But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. – Matthew 5:28

    Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: fornication, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. – Colossians 3:5

    So shun youthful passions and aim at righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call upon the Lord from a pure heart. – 2 Timothy 2:22

    Paul also frequently condemns πόρνος pornos, which can be translated in a legal sense as prostitution (sex for pay) but which almost two thousand years of Christian dogma have translated much more broadly as any sexual activity outside of marriage. In the passage I gave from Colossians, pornos is translated as “impurity.”

  19. 19
    weaver

    Blow bubbles and clean the house – so much better than masturbation.

    Or fucking.

  20. 20
    dingojack

    I’d add the foolow suggestions for the students of that christian college::
    * Paint your gentials like a Salty’s favorite snack, go swiming in a top-end creek.
    * ‘Turkey slap’ a Blue-ringed Ocky.
    * Cut yourself in several places, go thrash around near Blue-Pointers.
    * Try anal with a Funnel web.
    * Git naked and try boxing a male Kanga (during breeding season only).
    * Seek out the mysterious Dropbears ….

    Dingo

  21. 21
    matty1

    Responding to sexual thoughts by pretending to be six, please tell me this isn’t a Catholic school?

  22. 22
    Doug Little

    Wouldn’t having a water fight just inflame the whole situation? Sounds kinda sexy to me.

  23. 23
    CaitieCat, getaway driver

    But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. – Matthew 5:28

    Ew, fuck, that’s seriously creepy. It sounds like a licence for rape: “Well, you’re already in shit for adultery anyway cause you looked at her and got a boner, so you may as well get off as well, cause the forgiveness process is about the same level of difficulty.”

    It completely disappears any sense of agency she may have had in the situation, or asserts agency for her that she hasn’t evinced herself.

    Fucking bible is practically a manual for rape, pedophilia, and depraved forms of public execution. I’m so glad I have never been a Christian. I can’t believe the same people who read this fucking book every day with their little children are also trying to keep everyone from seeing anything remotely sexy or violent, even if the only viewers were likely to be adults.

  24. 24
    DaveL

    Strange how “masturbate” didn’t make the list. When I’m horny but don’t want to “do it,” masturbation usually works for me.

    My immediate thought about such a list would be that every fourth or fifth entry would be “masturbate”.

  25. 25
    dingojack

    billdaniels (#15) – Wasn’t Michael Jackson’s chimp called Bubbles….?
    Dingo
    ——-
    * Those sicko West Ham fans are always blowing him (or the zombie corpse of Billy Murray) – and in a crowded football stadium too! Won’t anyone think of the children?!?

  26. 26
    howardhershey

    Where on the list is “Think of Jesus hanging on the cross, unless you are into sadomasochism.”

  27. 27
    dingojack

    DaveL – interspersed with ‘No Poofers!’
    Dingo

  28. 28
    democommie

    1.) Think pure thoughts
    2.) Pound the meat puppet.
    3.) Tithe
    4.) Bop the Bishop
    5.) Volunteer for a missionary position.
    6.) Choke the chicken
    7.) Hand out bibles on school playgrounds
    8.) Wax the dolphin
    9.) Harangue passers-by with the “Good News”
    10.) Spank the monkey

    Y’know, I think I’d run out of “good” things to do long before I ran through the various euphemisms for masturbation.

  29. 29
    pacal

    101 things to do instead of sex, including masturbation. The infantile infatuation of some people with the supposed mythical “wickedness” of self sex is compulsively funny Such people really need to take their “problem” in hand and “work” it.

  30. 30
    dingojack

    ‘Boxing the Jesuit’ anyone?
    Dingo

  31. 31
    Reginald Selkirk

    Doug Little #22: Wouldn’t having a water fight just inflame the whole situation?

    Use cold water.

  32. 32
    Tony! The Queer Shoop

    Ok, I thought comment #2 was best til I got to #6.
    But then billdaniels blew them both away with #15

  33. 33
    Reginald Selkirk

    Emigrate to the USA and build a Creation Museeum.

  34. 34
    Doug Little

    Use cold water

    That would have to be some mighty cold water. Maybe if it was hitting you at fire hose velocities.

  35. 35
    Modusoperandi

    People, please! This is the internet! Somewhere some sick bastard is reading your comments and getting aroused! So terribly, terribly aroused…

  36. 36
    John Horstman

    Slip an extra shrimp on the barbie?

  37. 37
    sundoga

    For those not up on ‘Strine, Maccas is McDonalds.

  38. 38
    Donovan

    “*Visit the RSPCA”

    No! Seriously. Don’t do it. At best, some teenager sheened with sweat, voice cracking, eyes wide, and pants oddly adjusted shows up and asks to pet the dogs. That’s the [i]best[/i] case scenario.

    I think Dingo’s suggestions are the only way to get one’s mind off of sex. Maslow’s Hierarchy and all. Then again, if you make it out of the water, the euphoria of surviving might make you think of sex with renewed vigor. If that happens, read above. Do NOT visit the RSPCA (or ASPCA).

  39. 39
    Raging Bee

    Horstman: don’t you think Barbie would want something biger than a shrimp?

    Gregory @18: masturbation doesn’t violate any of those injunctions you quoted, it’s how we COMPLY with them. What’s the best way to put aside the disractions of the flesh so we can concentrate on important spiritual, moral or intellectual matters? By satisfying those demands, at least temporarily. Distracted by hunger? Eat something. Distracted by fatigue? Get some sleep. Distracted by anger? Beat up a punching bag. AFAIK nothing in the Bible forbids any of that. So what do you do if you’re distracted by horniness? Have a good wank and then get back to what’s (supposedly) more important with all those pervy shameful thoughts less prominent in your mind.

    Trust me, people who jack off more often commit less “adultery in our hearts” than people who don’t. (And besides, that injunction doesn’t even apply to people who are single and unattached, so you sure as hell can’t use it to keep single people from jacking off.)

    (And yes, I agree with CaitieCat: that “adultery in your heart” bit is creepy and dead wrong, for more reasons than she states here. I know that passage is trying to make a valid point, but damn it’s poorly worded.)

    That’s part of why these anti-sex people are so sick and useless: even when they’re right, they’re wrong.

  40. 40
    vmanis1

    I find an excellent alternative to sex to be climbing into a hot tub with somebody i’m attracted to, than then thinking of st origen.

    If that doesn’t work, there is always the time honored tradition of sliding a ballon onto a banana.

  41. 41
    vmanis1

    s/ballon/balloon/

    I’m not French.

  42. 42
    Michael Heath

    I just finished Bill Bryson’s travelogue on Australia. A truly wonderful book.

    I recall a few Christian wingnuts making the editorial cut. However, probably most concerning was not their wingnuts but instead, the far too pervasive bigotry towards the continent’s Aboriginals. Of course I’m sure those two groups largely overlap.

  43. 43
    laurentweppe

    102:
    Rape a girl and call her a whore if she denounce you.

    When it comes to chastity fetichists, they always end up picking number 102

  44. 44
    sceptinurse

    Share a drink with 2 straws.

    Haven’t they seen Lady and the Tramp? Just think what that could lead to. ;)

  45. 45
    d.c.wilson

    It completely disappears any sense of agency she may have had in the situation, or asserts agency for her that she hasn’t evinced herself.

    You’re funny. Thinking women in the Bible have agency about anything!

  46. 46
    Pierce R. Butler

    Raging Bee @ # 39: … don’t you think Barbie would want something biger than a shrimp?

    Hey, she’s less than 1/3 meter in high heels: even a small shrimp (of the range considered edible) would pack as much flesh as her torso.

    And according to all the supermodel lore, a full-size-woman Barbie would probably consider a small shrimp equivalent to a day’s feasting anyhow.

  47. 47
    magistramarla

    My grandson and I just finished studying the sex education unit of his online health class today.
    We’re in Texas, so the chapter had several pages about abstinence, with stupid suggestions like the ones in this post. There was a single page of about three paragraphs about contraception, but it wasn’t in the actual text of the course. The student was advised to get a parent’s permission and then click the link to the word document. All those paragraphs did was emphasize how contraceptive measures often didn’t work. The course stated in bold print “Contrary to what the culture would have you to believe, there is no such thing as safe sex.”
    I was practically pulling my hair out and screaming “Lies, lies, lies!”. The grandson and I had a long talk about sex in the real world. We went through the unit and agreed upon what he needed to say to pass the quiz, and what our family knew to be the truth.
    His step-dad, who is a child psychologist, had already told him that if he ever wants to buy condoms but is too embarrassed, to come see him and he will buy them for him. I told him that if his step-dad hadn’t said that, he could have come to Grandpa for the same reason.
    We know that our grandson will be well prepared for his teen years. Sadly, his peers won’t be.
    LOL – Between Step-dad the child psychologist, Mom who has had some medical training, Grandpa with a biology degree and Grandma the retired teacher and all-around skeptic, we are tearing that health class apart!

  48. 48
    dingojack

    What is this ”shrimp’ of which you speak? ‘
    Prawn’, ‘Yabbie’, ‘Balmain Bug’ perhaps, but ‘shrimp’, not so much.

    Slipping a King Prawn onto Barbie*, for her, would be the equivalent to having a 6ft high, 71 Kg arthropod clawing it’s way up your body.
    That’ll stop you thinking about sex, guaranteed.
    Dingo
    ——-
    * relatively speaking, no matter how ‘shrimpy’ it may be, it’s hugely well hung, compared to Ken,

  49. 49
    Raging Bee

    Slipping a King Prawn onto Barbie*, for her, would be the equivalent to having a 6ft high, 71 Kg arthropod clawing it’s way up your body.

    Sounds kinda hentai to me…

  50. 50
    caseloweraz

    Democommie:

    “Take the skin boat to tuna town.”

    Ref: the voiceovers as the end of Grumpy Old Men.

  51. 51
    caseloweraz

    I have to disagree with others here: Having a water fight is a great way to take your mind off sex. After you and the girl have struggled playfully for the hose for a while, and you’re both soaked with water and laughing in high spirits, that’s the time when “animal passions” are farthest from your minds.

    Oh, wait…

    And as for the “Look at clouds and see what you can make them into” thing, that didn’t work out very well for Mr. Spock, as far as avoiding romantic thoughts goes. (Of course, the spores had already put him “in the mood.”)

  52. 52
    caseloweraz

    @Dingojack (#6)

    Pick all those round, juicy ripe fruits so smooth and sweet smelling reminding me of….. NO NO NO!!
    Better try the next one….

    One of the classic commercials, from France, played on The Tonight Show by Johnny Carson long ago, involved a room-service waiter, two young women, and a very suggestive pair of fried eggs at the end.

    If you’ve seen it, you know what I mean. I couldn’t explain it very well in words.

  53. 53
    caseloweraz

    Argh. RE: #50 — S/B “at the end”.

  54. 54
    kermit.

    CaitieCat – yes, Fundies can be forgiven anything, so it doesn’t matter how badly they sin, and since they’re already sinning in their heart…well. Perhaps more importantly, in the end they feel no obligation to correct any wrongs they’ve committed against anybody. In fact, they only have to apologize to God (themselves), So if a guy, for instance, beats his wife, he only has to feel genuinely guilty, say “I’m sorry God”, then everything’s cool. Easy peasy.
    .
    Of course I’m joking about wronging anybody; Fundie morality is all about obeying the orders of the magic invisible king. It has nothing to do with how we treat other people.
    .
    And yes, Fundies are told in so many ways that sex is nasty that many of them come to find anything nasty to be sexy.

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