Ladies, Get Your Conservative Beefcake Here


From the You Can’t Make This Shit Up Department, the PolitiChicks have picked their list of the “hottest conservative supermen in America.” It’s divided up into several categories, but here’s the list of criteria they used in picking their favorites:

#1. Intelligence. These guys are brilliant.

#2. Courage. They aren’t afraid to stand up to challenges, speak the truth and fight for our country.

#3: Passion (See above)

#4: Sense of humor. Self-deprecating gets you extra points.

#5: Looks. This can be either conventionally handsome or someone who simply exudes sexiness.

Among the guys they think are “brilliant” and “exude sexiness” are Jonah Goldberg, Joseph (Porn Stache) Farah and Rep. Louis Gohmert. Yes, Louis Gohmert ranks #3 on the list of “conservative supermen” in politics, right behind Ted Cruz and Allen West. Oh, and Tucker Carlson is #5 among media personalities. Mike Huckabee is #10 in that category. I think I see a nude calendar in the making.

Comments

  1. ianeymeaney says

    A nude calendar of these guys is what really needs a vomit button on Facebook!

  2. Stacy says

    Jonah Goldberg “exudes sexiness”?

    I’m sorry. Body shaming is wrong, and I realize that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but really it isn’t even about looks, it’s just, I mean, Jonah Goldberg?–I can’t–uh…wutcomeagainnowIdon’teven.

  3. John Pieret says

    Starting anything with Allen West, Louis Gohmert and “intelligence” is Bulwer-Lytton worthy.

  4. Ryan Jean says

    Funny how traits like Integrity, Selflessness, Honor, and Respect aren’t part of their calculation. I’m guessing it’s because they couldn’t cope with negative values on all the metrics that actually matter.

    Then again, it’s not like the other side of the aisle would fare much better; above zero, perhaps, but still single-digit on a scale going to 100.

  5. says

    Most important category: “#0: Hates the same groups we hate”
     
    And you simply don’t know what “sexy” is until you get lost in Gohmert’s dull eyes.

  6. dingojack says

    ‘Hot’ conservatives? Could this be because their rhetoric has set their trousers alight?
    Dingo

  7. bahrfeldt says

    Excerpts from the original’s comments.

    Psychomom: Rush Limbaugh is one of the sexiest men I’ve ever seen.

    Strepsi: You’ve clearly earned your nickname. ;)

    No Zombie Breitbart? That rotting corpse has to be at least tied with Louie Grosmert.

    Louie Gohmert? Get real. You can’t leave him off the Hillbilly Top 20, but hot he’s not.

    I mean, come on, Looey Göehmert? Looey looks like a dickhead; he looks like he has an actual dick for a head.

    This list is for hottest. But then, if you’re happily picturing an oxycontin-addled walrus sweating on top of you and bellowing in your face as he nails you, then I guess so… Although come to think of it, the list they did choose generally exudes all the sexiness of a tax audit.

    Ditch the first four criteria and show us some real RED meat!

  8. D. C. Sessions says

    I think I see a nude calendar in the making.

    Ed, I have some brain bleach and spoons for your eyes.

  9. iknklast says

    Of course, one of my criteria didn’t make that list. Treats women like they are human beings, with brains and everything.

  10. caseloweraz says

    This is from the party whose more extreme factions periodically declare during campaigns that “Democrat” (as they say it) women are uniformly as ugly as sin, while their female candidates are gorgeous.

  11. caseloweraz says

    It’s amusing that this article is juxtaposed with an ad for Tynon, featuring one of the most buxom cartoon women around.

  12. Draken says

    The photos for that calendar have already been taken, with a hidden camera in sleazy hotel rooms with male prostitutes.

  13. says

    All of these guys could look like Chris Hemsworth with Captain Jack Harkness’ 51st century pheromones and they still wouldn’t “exude sexiness”.

  14. says

    Rush Limbaugh for number 1 in radio? Any chance that I considered this honest is gone.

    Now, don’t get me wrong – this isn’t because he’s an odious, hate-mongering, asshole who is a blight on the modern world. I took that as a given. Here’s the thing – you can get all that, *AND* sexy or pleasant voices, on radio.

    All that said, BLEAAAAAAH. Also, Whatthefuckamireading.jpg. Seriously what.

  15. John Hinkle says

    I’m going to guess it comes down to looks (i.e., personal preference). Doughy pantload (Goldberg) winning… in the intelligence and courage departments? Either it’s looks or conservative women have some low standards.

  16. martinc says

    As most of these nominees for the porn calendar are religious nutters, you could call it “Fundies In Their Undies”.

  17. says

    “The photos for that calendar have already been taken, with a hidden camera in sleazy hotel rooms with male prostitutes.”

    Giving a whole new meaning to “GOP Man-cave”.

    @18:

    Perhaps it would have more resonance in the original german:

    “Fundamentalist in der Unterwäsche1″.

  18. says

    Courage? The whole point of the modern conservative movement is to support the interests of the privileged over the powerless, the rich over the poor and middle class, and the business elite over workers, consumers, and the environment. And to personally benefit from the the power and money that these interests control.

    There are a lot of things you could call this. “Courageous” isn’t one of them.

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