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Jul 05 2013

Kent Hovind’s New Dissertation

You’ll be happy to hear that Kent Hovind hasn’t just been wasting his time in federal prison on tax fraud charges, he’s been improving himself. In fact, he just earned a second “PhD” from Patriot “University” and he’s now selling his “dissertation” as a book. Or you can read it for free here.

I’ll give him credit; at least this time his “dissertation” doesn’t start out, “Hello, my name is Kent Hovind” — as all great PhD theses do. Nor does it appear to have any bad poetry like this from his first one:

Two blind men argued well into the night/about the great question, “Is there really sight?”

Said one to the other (and quite fervently) There cannot be colors or else we could see!

To deny His existence is really absurd.You’ll have to believe Him and trust in His Word.”

Shakespeare, eat your heart out. The book version of this “thesis” is called “What on Earth Is About to Happen for Heaven’s Sake?” How clever. It’s a book about the coming rapture and all that nonsense and it begins, “World events are pretty frightening!” Clearly he thought that “Golly gee, look at that” seemed a bit too informal for a dissertation.

Good for him for adding a second useless PhD to go along with his first one and his three worthless master’s degrees.

21 comments

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  1. 1
    machintelligence

    It is good to see convicts improving themselves intellectually! It keeps them busy and out of trouble. :-)

  2. 2
    OverlappingMagisteria

    266 pages! Much better than his first Doctoral Dissertation!

    Looking through the Table of Contents… he seems to not understand what the purpose of an Appendix is. He has one “Introduction” chapter that’s 25 pages, but the rest of the paper is all appendices…

  3. 3
    Modusoperandi

    After writing it, didn’t he have to defend it? How does one defend a thesis in imagination?

  4. 4
    holytape

    INTRODUCTION………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. 1!
    What on Earth Is About to Happen for Heaven’s Sake?…………………………………………………. 1!
    My Background…………………………………………………………………………………………………….. 3!
    Religion ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. 4!
    My Prejudices……………………………………………………………………………………………………….. 5!
    How To Use This Book………………………………………………………………………………………….. 8!
    Goals Of This Book……………………………………………………………………………………………… 11!
    Let’s Define A Few Terms……………………………………………………………………………………. 13!
    The Big Picture Aka – “The Book”………………………………………………………………………… 17!

    Why is the table of contents yelling at me? What have I done to it?

  5. 5
    Randomfactor

    And here I was, foolishly expecting a jailhouse conversion to Islam.

  6. 6
    roggg

    Write all the appendices!

  7. 7
    kieran

    I know in my thesis my supervisor cut out any of my attempts at humour, in fact even in my acknowledgements I only got one joke and that was in latin…this guy gets to use emoticons!

  8. 8
    holytape

    Things I have learned from scanning through this master piece.

    Kent Hovind is the last person on earth to own a calculator watch. (p. 36)
    You can live forever in a greenhouse (p. 75)
    God chooses crap fonts (p. 90)
    Wolves have horrible fashion sense (p. 131)
    Page 133 is watching you sin. (p. 133)
    God will be handing out either Dayquil or Nyquil. (p. 134)
    Heaven is not wheel chair assessable. (p. 168)
    During the end of the world there will be dental care. (p. 176)
    Anderson Cooper is not amused. (p. 188)
    Shawn of the Dead is actually a documentary. (p. 191)
    You don’t have to cite were to steal your graphics from. (p. the who damn thing.)

  9. 9
    Artor

    Does everyone Hovind has ever met have a bruise on their forehead from facepalming? I think I would if I ever met such a huge schmuck in person. The mind truly boggles.

  10. 10
    otrame

    People always make fun of the “Hi, my name is Kent Hovend” part in his first dissertation. I think that the best part is that of the list of 12 or so chapters he lists at the beginning, he only actually wrote 4. Apparently his committee didnt notice.

    The first chapter was the longest, understandable since it covers the history of the Theory of Evolution, starting, appropriately enough, with the fall of Satan and continuing to the present.

  11. 11
    Doc Bill

    I had one amusing comment in my acknowledgements but didn’t risk having one of the examiners ask, “Are you joking?”

  12. 12
    Zeno

    Hovind couldn’t even bother to find a less disreputable diploma mill? It’s like he’s not even trying anymore.

  13. 13
    bpetroglyph

    A few preliminary observations.

    * The copyright info reads as follows:

    Copyright © 2013 Kent Hovind All Rights Reserved
    [Publishing Information Here]
    Manufactured in the United States of America
    ISBN 978-0-xxxxx-xxx-x (paper)
    ISBN 978-0- xxxxx-xxx-x (e-book)
    Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
    Hovind Kent. What On Earth Is About To Happen For Heavens Sake;
    p. cm.

    Yup, another unfinished document pretending to be complete.

    * While the copyright page lists the sources for some of his graphs and charts, the itself document is peppered with thematically-appropriate images, Greta-Christina-style, only there’s nary an image cred in sight.
    * Concerning “There were giants in the earth in those days”, Hovind comments (p. 67) “Dr. Morris thinks they had advanced in their knowledge before the Flood (They were living past 900! You can learn a lot in 900 years! Plus you can pick the brain of your great-great-great-great grandfather who is still alive as well.), to where they could do genetic manipulation and produce giants. Hmmm?)” All brackets [sic].
    * Oh, and the Rapture is due some time in 2028 (p. 245). Hovind is characteristically faux-apologetic about this: “DON’T get mad at ME for any of this! I’m not DOING it! I’m just the messenger boy. [...] Ya DON’T shoot the poor guy who brings a telegram with bad news! He’s doing his job! Me too!” (p. 244)

  14. 14
    Moggie

    Modusoperandi:

    After writing it, didn’t he have to defend it? How does one defend a thesis in imagination?

    Prison toughens you up. I hear he defended it with a shiv crudely fashioned from a spoon.

  15. 15
    rbh3

    Hovind now joins Dr Dr Dembski as a double degree creationist. They both fall far short of Jerry Bergman, though.

  16. 16
    haslar53

    I also thank them for challenging me to write in the “popular style” to reach the masses with this vital topic of end times.

    As though Kent has a clue about any other way to write.

  17. 17
    Susannah

    to reach the masses … with my simple 4th grade style …

    He knows his audience.

  18. 18
    Susannah

    What About Imminecy? ……….. … ……… 160

    Forget that. What is “Imminecy”?

  19. 19
    Modusoperandi

    Susannah, that’s what someone who isn’t quite a bishop is.

  20. 20
    ursamajor

    It is an amazing work which I will consult from time to time for a quick laugh. The Bible proves laetrile works! Insects breathe through their skins! If evolution was true we would see fossils being formed right now! God wants English speakers to use the King James Version ’cause it’s the best. Bible scholarship is bad!

    It is amazing. If I had read such a master work back in my fundie old earth creationist days I would have become an atheist years sooner.

    Thank you Kent! You do more to kill religion the Evil Atheist Conspiracy (TM) will ever manage.

  21. 21
    thebookofdave

    @Susannah #17

    He knows his audience.

    I doubt it. Otherwise, he would have removed the boring stuff, published his dissertation on a set of children’s activity placemats, and let the kids color the pictures themselves.

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