How Not to Approach Women


Man, you have to see this article about a guy who send an unsolicited naked picture to a woman he’d never spoken to on a dating site. She didn’t react well. In fact, she found him on Facebook, found his mother and forwarded the picture to her. I don’t know if that was warranted, but I have a hard time feeling sorry for this guy based on his astounding abilities as a smooth talker:

Him: You don’t like?
Her: Fuck no
Him: To (sic) big for ya
Her: I didn’t need to see that. I don’t need to be disrespected by someone I don’t even know.
Him: I was just showing you what I got. Relax. It’s just my cock.
Her: Fuck off. Don’t ever message me again.
Him: Your (sic) a prude
Her: *you’re. Nice try though.
Him: No wonder your (sic) single
Her: again, *you’re
Him: I have a big cock

Leaving aside whether she should have forwarded the picture to his mother, how fucking pathetic is this asshole? Seriously, have some dignity and decency. And if you’re the type of guy who does this, you’re a weapons grade loser.

Comments

  1. StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return! says

    It wasn’t Anthony Weiner again by any chance?

    (Really? Who actually does this shit? There are some fools out there who think that’s clever or whatever?)

  2. John Pieret says

    Too bad his brain isn’t as big as his cock. Come to think of it, too bad his brain isn’t as big as his little toe.

  3. says

    I don’t understand why she bothered to interact with him after he sent the picture. When I get sht, I instantly report it as inappropriate and block the sucker so I never have to interact with them again.

  4. lldayo says

    I think sending the picture to his mother is definitely out of line considering he could be lying about who he is. It is the internet after all. Sometimes I think Ed could possibly be an 80 year old woman of 70 lbs. Ya never know!

  5. says

    Wait, it did NOT work? Why? How? Was it not high enough resolution? Was it a jpeg when she preferred PDF? Surely it was a formatting issue, not the content itself, right? I mean, who WOULDN’T want to get dick pics from strangers on the internet!!?

  6. says

    I wouldn’t have interacted with him, but letting his mother know about his behavior seems like a good idea to me. Don’t see anything really wrong with that unless she obtained his information through sneakier means than searching by name, user ID, or the like.

    1) It sends an indirect message about his maturity when he finds out via his mother calling to complain out of the blue. (Of course, he’d probably dismiss it as tattling, since society is supposed to let boys be boys.)

    2) Presumably, his mother would know what lessons to teach him and administer appropriate shame to discourage future misbehavior. (Assuming she’s a decent mother. It’s a touchy subject, but there are bad mothers out there.)

    3) It demonstrates that the internet is real and what you say or do there has social consequences. Basic etiquette and context awareness still applies. (Of course, the counterargument is that the internet isn’t real, just a troll/griefer-friendly MMO game, and it’s not kosher to bring it out into “real life”.)

  7. Sastra says

    Poor Mom. Either this comes as a disagreeable shock … or it doesn’t. Both alternatives suck.

  8. says

    @7: This is a dating site tied to Facebook profiles, so it’s guaranteed that the person she sent it to had voluntarily listed themselves as the mother of the person who was sending this to her.

  9. DaveL says

    His messaging reads like an X-rated version of Lennie from Of Mice and Men.

    I was thinking “if a literal stallion could type…”

  10. John Hinkle says

    He can’t be that dumb. He keeps typing “(sic)” and she keeps falling for it.

  11. Jim says

    I think it’s excellent that she forwarded the picture to his mom. One of the best ways to handle this kind of crap is naming and shaming. And his mom getting a real picture of what a treasure her little boy is? That’s some excellent shaming.

  12. Abdul Alhazred says

    Wait a minute folks.

    Why punish the mother for the son’s misdeeds?

    Or is that just collateral damage?

  13. eric says

    Don’t know about sending the pic to mom. Seems a bit hypocritical: if the point you’re trying to make is that sending such material to strangers is socially inappropriate, you probably shouldn’t then foward it to someone who’s a stranger to you. I suppose that tit for tat can work to change behavior sometimes, but only by making them want to avoid future punishment. It doesnt teach them the behavior is morally wrong.

    OTOH, sending that exchange with a note saying “nice son you raised there” might have the same effect without the picture.

  14. says

    The problem with sending it to his mom is that the photo, in itself, doesn’t show that he did anything wrong. It’s just a naked pic. She could be an ex-girlfriend, for all his mom knows, treating the end of their relationship as some kind of crime against her and trying to get back at him. There’s no shortage of people, male and female, pulling crap like that.

    Nude pics should not be ammunition. Full stop, I think.

    And, you know, his mother probably doesn’t want to see him nude, so it’s rather cruel to force her…

  15. says

    Sending the pic to his mom (assuming the sender sent it to the right mom) is out of line…but that’s the kind of response you should expect when you do wildly inappropriate and out-of-line things like this guy did. He had no idea what kind of person he was sending a dick-pic to, and no prior data or promises about how she’d respond (or even that she was a she); so he really can’t complain when a psycho action has a psycho reaction.

  16. says

    Another problem with this guy is that he’s clearly not trying to hook up or have fun with a woman, he’s just sending her pics and mocking her for reacting to them. If someone I actually LIKED or CARED ABOUT got offended by something I did, I’d be apologizing for it, not getting pissy and insulting.

  17. Nentuaby says

    I consider it wholly inappropriate to have sent it to his mother. Forget whether he deserved it.

    Question one, did his MOTHER deserve it? No. Holding women to be the guarantors of their adult, non-dependant male relations’ behavior is a gross sexist trope.

    Question two, independant of the question of “deserving,” was this just generally a way of dealing with conflicts we think should be in the vocabulary? I’d say no. When there’s an incident, you a) Deal with it privately; b) take it to authorities; or c) go public. You do not d) involve friends and loved ones who are not authorities over them in a targeted manner. That goes to a dark place that, at the very least, would provide social camoflage for the “bad guys” when they do so in a far more sinister manner.

  18. besomyka says

    I’m not so sure about the stupid angle. He comes across as a predator to me. Someone that knows what he’s doing and is fishing for a victim.

  19. Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden says

    Yeah, I tend to agree with Nentuaby on the response…

    …except that Ed wanted us to focus on the original actions and not the response. I suppose he’d jump in and try to redirect if he felt strongly about it, but still, I try focus on the issue raised by the OP most of the time.

  20. slc1 says

    Re StevoR @ #3

    Weiner was wearing his underwear then he sent pictures of himself via Email.

  21. rory says

    I would agree that the woman probably shouldn’t have sent the photo to the man’s mother. Of course, given that he was stupid enough to send out naked photos to a stranger while allowing himself to be identified and linked to the photo, maybe he’s lucky that it only went to his mother, and not (for example) all of his Facebook friends.

  22. says

    Holding women to be the guarantors of their adult, non-dependant male relations’ behavior is a gross sexist trope.

    Maybe, but perhaps the woman’s message was “You’re acting like an undiscuplined child, so I’m treating you like one.” That may still be unfair to the mother, but it’s not necessarily sexist.

    When there’s an incident, you a) Deal with it privately; b) take it to authorities; or c) go public. You do not d) involve friends and loved ones who are not authorities over them in a targeted manner.

    A didn’t work, as the dialogue quoted shows; B would likely not get any meaningful or timely action (what do you think the cops would do, exactly?); and why is C acceptable if D is not?

  23. scienceavenger says

    Funny, in my time on dating sites, I had women several times ask for such a pic, which I thought was juvenile, and I’m no prude. Takes all kinds I guess. But including mom is just cruel.

  24. Nentuaby says

    Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden
    Yeah, I try to respect OP’s intent on topic in the contents, but he also said “I have a hard time feeling sorry for this guy” before he said we should leave whether it was right aside. I found that just a bit too much like “now that I’ve put in my two cents on this topic, let’s not bring it up.”

    Raging Bee

    Maybe, but perhaps the woman’s message was “You’re acting like an undiscuplined child, so I’m treating you like one.” That may still be unfair to the mother, but it’s not necessarily sexist.

    To clarify, I didn’t say she was a sexist, or that she had sexist motivations. I said it was a sexist trope– a pattern of action engrained in our cultural vocabulary which has the effect of contributing to the oppression of women. Most people who follow them do so just because it’s a familiar pattern that they haven’t fully evaluated the impact of, not out of animus.

    A didn’t work, as the dialogue quoted shows; B would likely not get any meaningful or timely action (what do you think the cops would do, exactly?); and why is C acceptable if D is not?

    Targeting previously uninvolved friends and loved ones for inclusion in a conflict is strongly contra-indicated in our social contract. That’s because there are very many cases in which it’s an implicit threat of one kind or another.

  25. Artor says

    I’m all for forwarding the pic and text log to Mom. It’s not a case of whether she “deserved” to see it. She is an interested party, even if she was unaware. The offended woman was doing Mom a favor by alerting her to the boorish behavior of Biggus Dickus, her darling son. Sure, he’s an adult, but maternal oversight is likely to be far more effective than getting told off by someone whom he obviously has no respect for. I would love to have been the fly on that wall when Mom called her sonny boy…

  26. says

    Targeting previously uninvolved friends and loved ones for inclusion in a conflict is strongly contra-indicated in our social contract

    You just made that up. Contraindicated is a medical term with a very real meaning referring to consequential, unambiguously negative effects. Part of the reason we would even debate the wisdom of such a move is that the effects are no doubt complicated, not clearly and exclusively negative or positive and probably highly variable.

    As to how we should attempt to influence social behavior, the idea that exposure is bad because some people will be distressed by what they see misses the point entirely. Yes, they’ll be distressed, which is part of what leads to pressure to curtail certain problem behaviors.

    Interesting that in reading the full exchange, the guy who did this was quite arrogant and cocky as he demeaned this woman, when all he needed to do was apologize. But he took the tack that there was absolutely nothing problematic in his behavior, belittling her in the process for suggesting that it was a problem.

    But when she told him she’ll send the photos to his mother and inform her of what her son was up to, he got quite distressed. In fact, he knew damn well that his behavior and attitude was off the charts wrong, that it was behavior that he can only justify by keeping it hidden from those whose opinion of him matters.

    I don’t think it’s an accident that embarrassment is a robust psychological phenomenon. Like guilt, it can be problematic, but there is a socially useful side to it, in that it can serve as an important regulator of socially destructive impulses. Ideally, we’d want these impulses to be regulated by mature guilt. That is, pain born of empathy for those we hurt. Unfortunately, a substantial subset of the population never really reaches that level of maturation of conscience, so more primitive forms of guilt (fear of retaliation/punishment) and shame are the only harm regulators that function with some effectiveness for this substantial subset of people.

    And you say that our social contract forbids this or is somehow unequivocally at odds with this? Since when? Show me that contract.

    Also consider that when people do bad things, their families sometimes find out, and it’s painful, but where is it written that anyone is entitled to emotional immunity in these matters? Personally, I don’t imagine I’d have exposed the mother in a situation like this, but I’m not a woman and I know I can’t say with any confidence that this woman did the wrong thing. It’s unfortunate that dealing with bad people effectively can entail pain for family members, but that pain can’t trump all other considerations.

    Consider that this dick, may have been doing this sort of thing to many women, getting off on bullying and demeaning women, and this may help him confront the truth about how uncivilized and indecent his conduct really is. He could use some embarrassment. And more generally, this woman’s actions may give pause to someone else engaging in similar conduct, or encourage another person being treated this way to turn the tables on the bully. I’m not saying that her actions alone will have an enormous effect, but consider what it might be like if a lot more women started taking action like this.

    Now I’m not foolish enough to believe that there isn’t some large core group who would be undeterred, but there are plenty of misbehavior fence-sitters who stay in line because of potential for embarrassment and punishment.

  27. says

    I concur with Dr. X.

    There was an incident on a United Airlines flight:

    http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/307162

    It seems, at least to me, that the guy (who was arrested) might be something other than a bully but punishment for his actions will be, if he’s convicted, a serious issue. The difference between his actions and those of the idiot that Ed wrote about is that he carried his fantasy to its natural conclusion–and then got whacked for whackin’ off.

    “Too bad his brain isn’t as big as his cock. Come to think of it, too bad his brain isn’t as big as his little toe.”

    I haven’t seen the picture but photoshop, photoshop, photoshop!

  28. says

    To clarify, I didn’t say she was a sexist, or that she had sexist motivations. I said it was a sexist trope– a pattern of action engrained in our cultural vocabulary which has the effect of contributing to the oppression of women.

    I understood that that was your point, and I agree. My point was that the fact of it being so ingrained may have made it (in this particular woman’s eyes at least) a more effective means of getting her message across, which (I presume) was “You’re acting like a child who needs his mom to teach him how to act.” I agree that such tropes may contribute to oppression of women, but in this case I think we can forgive the woman for not taking a longer-term view here.

    Targeting previously uninvolved friends and loved ones for inclusion in a conflict is strongly contra-indicated in our social contract.

    So is waving your private parts in strangers’ faces and angrily mocking them when they react to it. And if one person breaks our social contract, others may break it in response. It’s a common form of reprisal (not just in war), and the threat of it (fair or not) often serves to deter bad behavior — if this guy had suspected his target would forward an unsolicited nude pic to others he knew, would he have sent it in the first place?

    Now I’m not foolish enough to believe that there isn’t some large core group who would be undeterred, but there are plenty of misbehavior fence-sitters who stay in line because of potential for embarrassment and punishment.

    Agreed. There will always be hardcore lowlifes among us, and any reasonable measure that separates them from the less-hardcore folks (i.e., deterrents that those with something to lose will notice) improves our public life.

  29. baal says

    What I’m not really understanding about these men who semi-randomly send pics of their junk everywhere is the parallel back to the 3d RL fleshworld. It’s illegal to whip it out in public and wave it about. This is also true if there are only two persons and they are in a semi-public space like a movie theater (gym locker rooms would be the non-illegal other end of things). So, act of dominance / abuse aside, shouldn’t it be illegal to send unsolicited junk shots (absent the on-line equivalent of a lockerroom)?

  30. says

    @Raging Bee: Right,, but this asshat broke the social contract. We have no evidence his mother did. What justifies breaking it in regards to her?

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