It’s All Jason Collins’ Fault

The moment the tornado hit Oklahoma on Monday, you knew it was only a matter of time before some wingnut informed us of why God was sending such destruction. The gays always seem to get the blame, of course, especially from Fred Phelps. But he blames it on a specific person:

OK Thunder’s Durant flips God by praising fag Collins.God smashes OK. You do the math.#GodH8sFags #FagsDoomNations #FearGod #GodH8sU

— Fred Phelps, Jr. (@WBCFredJr) May 21, 2013

Here’s what I’m really waiting for. Someone is going to blame it all on Gage Pulliam, the brave young high school student in Oklahoma who only last week got his local school board to remove the Ten Commandments from the classrooms there. So God is obviously punishing the entire state for that.

19 comments on this post.
  1. Skip White:

    I don’t use Twitter, but I assume the above tweet would appear with a fabulous, dayglo neon background?

  2. richardelguru:

    This is a good time to bring out that old story (yet again):

    An atheist and a fundie go out duck hunting together (why I can’t say) and the atheist is having a bad day (though the ducks, presumably, aren’t).
    He fires at a duck. Misses. Says “Fuck, missed!”
    This part can be repeated ad libitum until the point at which the fundie screams out “STOP THIS Profanity or THE LORD GORD will strike you down!!!”
    The atheist (who, as you’d expect, is a reasonable guy) apologises and says he won’t do it anymore.
    And he doesn’t.
     
    End of story…
     
     
    Until a whole herd(?) of duck fly over. He fires. Misses them all.
    In spite of himself he says “Oh! Fuck, missed!”
     
    And, lo, out of a clear sky a little cloud appears and a bolt of Heavenly Lightning thunders out of the midst of the cloud.
     
     
    And zaps the fundie!
    And a VOICE out of the midst of the cloud, like unto the clashing of cymbals and the braying of great strumpets.
    And the VOICE says “Oh! Fuck, missed!”

  3. chilidog99:

    Hey Ed, you need to play poker with Sen Tom Coburn. He said the the odds of another tornado hitting Moore in the future are almost zero, because two have hit already in the past 14 years.

  4. Robert B.:

    @2: Strumpets?

  5. richardelguru:

    Robert B

    Intentional, and that’s my favourite part!!

  6. daved:

    I would say Phelps is blaming Durant, not Collins. It’s idiotic either way, of course, since it’s really Phelps’s fault.

  7. Abby Normal:

    @daved

    Ah yes, the old smelt-it/delt-it modus ponens.

  8. Lou Doench:

    Ummm Fred… hate to break it to yah, but THAT”S NOT HOW MATH WORKS!

  9. brundlefly:

    I like this response: https://twitter.com/CEMB_forum/status/337816432819707905

  10. Doug Little:

    You do the math

    Yes because you obviously can’t.

  11. billdaniels:

    I have this infallible theory about the lottery. If my odds of winning are 1 out of X and I buy a ticket, the next time my odds will be 1 out of (X-1). The chances that I will win thus increase each time I play, so, eventually I have to win. That’s how it works, right? Right? I only had three years of college math before changing my major to German, so I may be wrong.

  12. dukeofomnium:

    I think it’s God’s punishment on Bob Stoops because the Oklahoma Sooners lost the Cotton Bowl.

  13. ArtK:

    @ billdaniels

    There’s an entire industry based on that principle. Or rather, the industry is based on the fact that the rubes believe that principle. No matter how many times someone explains independent events, people continue to believe that events are connected somehow.

  14. bones:

    So two F5 tornadoes ripped thru the same town, 14 years apart. Surely, if those two paths crossed, the most abominably godless kind of scum must reside at THAT intersection, according to the right Rev Phelps. Potentially, WAY worse than voodoo-practicing New Orleanians, and way, way worse than San Franciscans. I mean, God has pounded this particular nest of unrighteous Moore residents, directly on the head, TWICE in the last 14 years. You couldn’t get a more direct message from God then THAT, now, could you?!
    Oh wait, look! A news article about them – it’s THESE bastards who MUST BE the cause of God’s almighty righteous wrath:
    http://www.cnn.com/2013/05/24/us/sutter-oklahoma-tornado-block/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

  15. fifthdentist:

    Yeah, because there were never tornadoes in Oklahoma before two weeks ago.

  16. Ichthyic:

    An atheist and a fundie go out duck hunting together (why I can’t say)

    because one of them was Dick Cheney, and he still has ties with Blackwater…

  17. dingojack:

    The collecive nouns that describe ducks in flight is a ‘skein’, ‘string’ or ‘team’.
    Dingo

  18. StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return!:

    It’s All Jason Collins’ Fault

    Who?

    Well it makes a change from blaming it all on teh Jewwzz!!1! I guess.

  19. democommie:

    @14:

    From the story you linked to:

    “cars turned into aluminum cans”

    Now, THAT, is a fucking miracle.

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