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Markell: God May Destroy Minnesota Cities

Last week Minnesota became the 12th state to legalize same-sex marriage and the wingnuts continue to lose their minds over it. Jan Markell, who is from that state, is afraid that God may begin to destroy Minnesota cities and that the Christians there don’t know where to hide.

Jan Markell, founder and director of Olive Tree Ministries, laments that The North Star State has become a mecca for many unpleasant things.

“We’re the occult capital of America,” she tells OneNewsNow. “We certainly have more Islamic influence probably than any other place, other than Dearborn, Michigan. We’re certainly one of the gay capitals, and now with homosexual marriage a reality, many Christians, solid pro-family-type people — we don’t know where to run to.”

And Markell believes Minnesota Christians are concerned about God’s judgment on the state.

“Whether it be economically or some weather-related kind of a tragedy, but God destroyed cities in the Bible over homosexuality; He speaks out on this issue in a very clear manner and calls this an abomination,” the Olive Tree Ministries founder warns.

You don’t know where to run? Try Iran. You’ll fit right in.

Comments

  1. says

    God destroyed cities in the Bible over homosexuality

    Minnesota will have to wait its turn until he’s done with that bastion of homosexuality, Oklahoma.

  2. chilidog99 says

    They are also the Nelson capital of the nation. There are more people named Nelson in that state, then any other state.

  3. Eristae says

    No, see Markell forgets that God no longer smites Sodom for what Sodom does; he’ll smite some unnamed city on another continent for what Sodom does. Minnesota cities are safe. It is if we didn’t legalize gay marriage that we’d have to worry, because then we might be destroyed for what some other state/country did.

  4. busterggi says

    JP is right, they can move to Oklahoma where Jesus just made room for at least 24 of them.

  5. Eristae says

    See, this is what I’m talking about! Did Minnesota have any tornadoes after they legalized gay marriage? They did not. Who had tornadoes after Minnesota legalized gay marriage? Oklahoma. If Oklahoma wants to be safe from God’s wrath, they’d better legalize gay marriage, and fast.

    /snark

    That’s actually rather painful to write, because it is absurdly difficult to run around acting like disasters like what Oklahoma is facing are somehow a result of people’s actions (sins). I don’t understand how theists do it. How can they look at the bodies of dead and say, “Ah ha! I told you to not do [insert sinful thing here]. Now God’s gone and killed some kids to punish someone (apparently not you who did the [insert sinful thing here]). Aren’t you sorry?”

    What the hell, people? What the hell?

  6. Scr... Archivist says

    Chilidog99 @2,

    In that case, Minnesota’s response to Jan Markell is: “Ha ha!”

  7. dingojack says

    “… He speaks out on this issue in a very clear manner and calls this an abomination,” the Olive Tree Ministries founder warns”

    While condoning the shaving the corners of .the head, planting mixed grains, wearing polyester-cotton slacks, eating shellfish, pork and so on and so forth.
    Well did you really expect anything other than absolute hypocrisy?
    Dingo

  8. Randomfactor says

    God May Destroy Minnesota Cities

    While attempting to smite Florida. The guy’s clumsy.

  9. says

    So, tell me Markell, how exactly is Islam and marriage equality related? Last I checked, the type of Muslims we’re “supposed” to fear were typically reactionaries who use our progressive attitude of not killing gays as evidence that America is evil. Just like many fundie Christians do. These reactionary Muslims are arguably more pro-”traditional” marriage than you are. That’s a bad thing, by the way, just so you won’t flip-flop into loving them for it when it’s rhetorically convenient to do so. But I doubt that’ll stop you.

  10. Larry says

    My advice is run! Don’t stop running until you’re far, far away. Don’t take anything but the clothes you are wearing. Send me your address and your bank account numbers and I’ll see that their taken care of. Leave the key to the liquor cabinet on the counter.

    Run! Now, damn it, now!

  11. Larry says

    #13

    I don’t know, Richard. These church-going types always keep some spirits tucked away. For medicinal purposes.

  12. Larry says

    So, Oklahoma was a warning shot across the proverbial bow, was it?

    Well, they do have that atheist Wolf Blitzer interviewed. In god’s own personal sanctuary, Oklahoma. That should get the ol’ blood lust pumping.

  13. Randomfactor says

    These church-going types always keep some spirits tucked away

    And kinky sex lives which pop out in the open at the most embarrassing times.

  14. neuroturtle says

    Oh, I’m sure they have liquor. As the old saying goes:

    Jews don’t recognize Jesus as the son of God.
    Protestants don’t recognize the Pope as head of the Church.
    Baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor aisle.

    Also, I know fundie memory is short, but Joplin, MO is in one of the most conservative regions of the country. So is Tuscaloosa, AL. How weird is it that so many red states are in Tornado Alley? It’s almost like there’s no angry god aiming the storms…

  15. Synfandel says

    No point in slipping across to Winnipeg or Thunder Bay ‘cuz Canada’s way ahead of Minnesota in the waiting-to-be-smitten queue. Just take a number.

  16. RickR says

    “many Christians, solid pro-family-type people — we don’t know where to run to.”

    How about a short pier?

  17. anubisprime says

    So let me get this sussed…!

    Xtians love their delusion as much as the delusion is supposed to love them in return…
    But the xtians now have to dodge the hissy fit of the one they love!

    The one they love obviously has a lousy aim and atrocious temper, these xtians now have to run to hide from the pissed off one in case they get raptured before their time…apparently…!

    This has all the hallmarks of domestic abuse…a rabidly toxic boozed up bully with issues of intense vicious anger which everyone gets a dose of including the children…!

    And they worship this cretin…?

  18. Chiroptera says

    Even Sodom wouldn’t have been destroyed had God been able to find 10 righteous people. I guess this says something about Markell’s faith in her fellow Minnesota Christians.

  19. marcus says

    “many Christians, solid pro-family-type people — we don’t know where to run to.”

    What about the increasing number of vacated closets that are becoming available?

  20. gmacs says

    They are also the Nelson capital of the nation. There are more people named Nelson in that state, then any other state.

    And Ingebretson, Lundegaard, Knutson, Swenson, etc.

    Hmm, my atheist ass is going to be back home there this weekend. I am waiting to see what destruction we have wrought.

  21. robb says

    i’m in Minnesota. i ain’t scared. we are too far from the coasts for hurricanes and we don’t have particulary active faults. we do get tornadoes, but they tend to miss the Twin Cities because of the heat island effect (except for the western suburbs, like Fridley). maybe the Mississippi will flood! that could dampen both Minneapolis *and* Satan Paul….er…Saint Paul.

  22. jnorris says

    Ms Markell could take shelter from her god’s wrath by going to one of the states that already has same-gender marriage and was not destroyed by that god.
    Also, what makes Minnesota so special that her god would destroy it when it did not touch the other states?

  23. mvemjsun says

    A couple local headlines *Drought condition improving in Minnesota* and *Minnesota’s horrible flu season: 200+ deaths*. One says god is happy and one says he is sad. I say if he was there the flu would either not exist or at least not be fatal. It would rain when needed and not rain when not needed. And tornadoes would not be city killers.

  24. says

    Chiroptera @ 24

    Even Sodom wouldn’t have been destroyed had God been able to find 10 righteous people. I guess this says something about Markell’s faith in her fellow Minnesota Christians.

    No, no! It’s whether God been able to find 10 righteous people who are willing to donate 10 (thousand) or more to the “cause”!

  25. tfkreference says

    “We’re the occult capital of America,”

    She might be right about that. When one of the Harry Potter books was released, the wait at Barnes & Noble was too long, so I went to a nearby Wiccan bookstore and bought it. Most appropriate, I thought (they even threw in a coupon for a future purchase,, but as a scientist I didn’t have much use for their wares).

  26. wholething says

    God doesn’t do that anymore. He flooded the earth once and wiped out a couple of small cities with fire and brimstone. Then he started getting people to do the dirty. If they were successful, he took credit for helping them. If not, he offered excuses like “chariots of iron”. Now he just shows us pictures of his son and girlfriend in grill marks and oil stains.

  27. flex says

    So wait,

    Markell thinks that having a large Muslim population makes them a target for the wrath of god, and recognizes that Dearborn, MI, has the highest per capita population of Muslims in the US.

    As far as natural disasters in Dearborn there have been no earthquakes, volcanos, avalanches, landslides or duststorms in Dearborn since 1950. There have been 11 tornadoes in Wayne County since 1950, but I suspect that most of them avoided Dearborn. There have been 3 blizzards and 13 ice storms in the past 63 years, for a total of 33 recorded winter storms. But here we go, since 1953, there has been 153 reported flooding incidents (probably almost all along Hines Drive which floods a couple times a year and there are no houses there).

    All in all, there has been little in the way of wrath of god stuff in Dearborn. The biggest problem in recent years was the economic downturn, and while that hit the city pretty hard, it was not confined to Dearborn.

    So, we have a few options:

    1. God is delaying the destruction of Dearborn in order to savor it more. (Mmmm, endings.)
    2. God has really poor aim. I mean, really, really bad aim. (Somebody get an optician for this guy!)
    3. Islam really is the right religion and god loves Dearborn. (Cracky, the very name of the religion means voluntary submission to god. What deity wouldn’t want that?)
    4. Allah is protecting Dearborn from the wrath of Jesus. (“Quick, my companions; deploy the ethereal shield to protect against the phlogiston spears of the christian saints!”)
    5. God/Allah/Jesus/Jehovah/etc. doesn’t exist. (Parsimony for the win!)

  28. says

    ““Whether it be economically or some weather-related kind of a tragedy, but God destroyed cities in the Bible over homosexuality; He speaks out on this issue in a very clear manner and calls this an abomination,”

    Well, aside from the fact that Gilbert Gottfried on crack and helium would speak more clearly than GOD…

    If economics is the province of GOD (billboard idea for the KKKristianists, “It’s YHWH or the highway!”–you’re welcome, GODbots) why the hell does he always have a case of the shorts?

  29. says

    “…many Christians, solid pro-family-type people — we don’t know where to run to.”

    Might I offer a few suggestions, then?
    Although I’d hate to impose the violent bloodlust, misogyny, gun-worship, fascist leanings and ignorance of American fundies on the good people of Somalia, Yemen, Afghanistan, Nigeria or North Korea.

    “Jan Markell, founder and director of Olive Tree Ministries, laments that The North Star State has become a mecca for many unpleasant things.”

    Now here she’s got a point. Although, to be fair, the Bachmanns and Bradlee Dean were there BEFORE the gays were given free reign to destroy marriage in the state.

  30. kermit. says

    jnorris:
    Also, what makes Minnesota so special that her god would destroy it when it did not touch the other states?

    .
    Well, clearly Markell is the center of the universe, and she is the focus of God’s attention.

  31. Ichthyic says

    we don’t know where to run to

    I’m so tempted to market a spray aerosol to these people and call it “gay away!”

    “Gay Away!”

    “Keeps harmful homosexuals from invading your home, and comes in 7 pleasant Christian scents!”

    “You’ll never have to be worried about the Gay again!*”

    *offer void where prohibited. Claims for product efficacy may be exaggerated. Ineffective against existing homosexual family members already residing in household.

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