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May 22 2013

Tea Partiers Pray for Conversion of George Soros

The Alexandria Lakes Area Tea Party, a Minnesota affiliate of the Tea Party Patriots, is asking its followers to pray for George Soros to convert from atheism (is he even an atheist? I have no idea) to Christianity. Since they can’t figure out how to make PDF files open in a browser, City Pages has the full document. It’s pretty funny stuff.

The Alexandria Lakes Area Tea Party (ALATP), Alexandria, MN, would like to invite you to participate in a world-wide prayer campaign for the conversion of George Soros from atheism to Christianity. Please say a prayer everyday for the conversion of his soul—in fact, perhaps more than once a day. This prayer campaign must be done to the Glory of God–not to glorify the tea party movement.

Yes, don’t just pray once a day, pray more than once a day. Because God might not hear you the first time; he is infinitely old, after all. Or he may be busy helping Tim Tebow win a football game or something. So you have to pray a lot, several times a day, every day, until the old man finally pays attention. They even have suggested prayers for you to recite:

Feel free to pray from your own heart. The following are examples which you could use:
Heavenly Father, we lay before you the name of George Soros. Help his unbelief; bring him to faith and relieve his soul of the burden of his sin; shower him with the blessings of forgiveness and grace. We pray in the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen.

OR

God, Creator of all, we pray for one of your own people—George Soros. We ask that you put someone in his life to witness to him about your wonderful gifts of Law and Gospel. Change his heart; touch him with the precious Blood of Jesus Christ so he will be healed of his unbelief. In the name of Jesus, we pray. Amen.

OR

Eternal God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, send your Holy Spirit to the heart of George Soros so that he may receive your Word and believe it. May he find pleasure in your Holy Word, forgiveness, redemption, and sanctification. In Jesus’ name, we pray. Amen.

OR

“The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.” (2 Peter 3:9). Lord, bring George Soros to living faith in you. Amen.

You should probably rotate these because you just never know which specific language God is going to respond to. He’s kind of a moody SOB, to be honest with you. And his “answers” to prayer are always indistinguishable from not answering prayers.

29 comments

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  1. 1
    Gregory in Seattle

    “Yes, don’t just pray once a day, pray more than once a day. Because God might not hear you the first time; he is infinitely old, after all. Or he may be busy helping Tim Tebow win a football game or something.”

    With so many tortillas and stained sidewalks to appear in, who has time to keep up with social media?

  2. 2
    blf

    [Is George Soros] even an atheist? I have no idea

    Possibly. The Poof! of All Knowledge says his family were “nonobservant” Jews.

    The GeorgeSoros.com site, which may or may not be “official” (it says it is) is quite explicit: “What faith is George Soros? He identifies himself as an atheist.”

    Other sources (not listed) also indicate that he is.

    Not that it matters…

  3. 3
    tuibguy

    It’s not a matter of him not hearing the first time. It is a test of Will. Do you give a shit enough to devote several prayers a day to convert a guy you will never meet but just want him to stop giving to Teh Libruls? How serious are you, really? If you have time to watch Fox News, you have time to pray during the commercials, at least, or it is not worthy of His effort.

  4. 4
    Reginald Selkirk

    Must be a mistake. We were frequently assured that Tea Partiers were not just conservative Christian Republicans, but serious people who have serious issues concerning taxes and the deficit.

  5. 5
    Kevin, Youhao Huo Mao

    To what end?

  6. 6
    John Hinkle

    I thought the Tea Party was about smaller government and less spending. These folk seem like your run-of-the-mill Christian conservatives.

    “The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.” (2 Peter 3:9).

    Oh boy, repeating God’s words back to him. Bet that’s annoying. Expect a can of whoop-ass to be opened any day now.

  7. 7
    frankb

    And his “answers” to prayer are always indistinguishable from not answering prayers.

    Yeah, when rescuing people he never shows up. He always sends some human to do his work. Funny how the Tea Party’er never show up, they are always busy praying.

  8. 8
    lofgren

    I suspect he’s Soroastrian.

  9. 9
    Mr Ed

    I get it, they are sort of like Google Bombing God. similar to when many website used the same phrase to associate searches for George Bush with failure. So if enough people pray with the same phrase this will exploit a weakness in God’s prayer response.

  10. 10
    slc1

    “What faith is George Soros? He identifies himself as an atheist.”

    Gee, just like the Koch brothers.

  11. 11
    brucegee1962

    What really hacks me off about this is the automatic assumption that if he becomes a Christian, he’ll automatically become a Republican. The progressive Christian movement is a real thing, you know. I was one for my entire life before I deconverted. They don’t make as much noise as the evangelicals, but there are plenty of them at your local food bank, occupy protest, and climate change rally.

    If God existed and had a sense of humor, he would see to it that Soros converted to become a social activist Quaker or something similar.

  12. 12
    richardelguru

    Nice one lofgren!

    BTW my car is Soroastrian: it’s a Mazda called Ahura!
     
    (What do you mean you don’t name your cars!?!?!!!!1!)

  13. 13
    d.c.wilson

    I assume they mean for him to convert of The One True Christianity (theirs) and not one of those namby-pamby liberal commie sects that talk about feeding the poor and caring for the sick.

    Want to see them really freak out? Tell them Ayn Rand was an atheist form a Jewish family.

  14. 14
    TGAP Dad

    I wholeheartedly endorse this plan, with one amendment: I want them to pray even more. I want them to quit heir jobs and devote themselves full-time to this prayer (don’t worry, JHVH will provide!) Quit your jobs; drop out of school; only eat and use restrooms if you lack true faith.

  15. 15
    scienceavenger

    is [Soros] even an atheist? I have no idea

    I assumed he was the Devil the way the Teatards carry on about him.

  16. 16
    Zeno

    I’m with TGAP Dad: I have always vigorously endorsed prayer. It keeps the crazy Christers on their knees and out of trouble. Let them pray around the clock. It will make the world a better place, but not for the reasons they think.

  17. 17
    Modusoperandi

    SOMEBODY STOP THEM! THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY’RE DOING! IF SOROS IS THIS POWERFUL NOW, IMAGINE HOW STRONG HE’LL BE WITH THE LORD ON HIS SIDE!

  18. 18
    Hercules Grytpype-Thynne

    Or he may be busy helping Tim Tebow win a football game or something.

    If helping Tebow win games is what’s keeping him busy, then he’s probably got a lot of spare time on his hands.

  19. 19
    Synfandel

    The man already gives billions to charity and has used his wealth to initiate many noble endeavours for his fellow Hungarians and others. So, why does the Tea Party think it important to convert this particular soul to Christianity? After all, there are lots of atheists out there and one soul is worth pretty much the same as another, isn’t it? Could the Tea Party’s interest have anything to do with the fact that Mr. Soros is freaking rich and all that charity is going directly into good works without the involvement (and cost) of churches and clergymen?

  20. 20
    Akira MacKenzie

    What about their precious “free will?” Wouldn’t their god magically brainwashing Soros into Christianity violate their most sacred excuse for Yahweh’s inability to combat evil? Unless this bunch are Calvinists. Then why are you asking your god to do anything at all since he choose the “elect” at the beginning of time?

    Face it, religion is stupid.

  21. 21
    fifthdentist

    “We ask that you put someone in his life to witness to him about your wonderful gifts of Law …”

    Yes, he should know about the wonderful law so he will know to save the sheets from his daughter’s wedding bed the night of her marriage so in case the boy’s family claims she is a slut he has them as evidence.

    “Now he has slandered her and said, ‘I did not find your daughter to be a virgin. But here is the proof of my daughter’s virginity.’ Then her parents shall display the cloth before the elders of the town.” — Deuteronomy 22:17

  22. 22
    jnorris

    So you have to pray a lot, several times a day, every day, until the old man finally pays attention.

    Good point Ed, even Jesus agreed with you in his Parable of the Unjust Judge: Luke 18:1-8.

  23. 23
    Bronze Dog

    What about their precious “free will?” Wouldn’t their god magically brainwashing Soros into Christianity violate their most sacred excuse for Yahweh’s inability to combat evil?

    As I bring up when prayer-induced mind control comes up, prayer is essentially witchcraft and precisely as bunk.

  24. 24
    gertzedek

    He’s Jewish by birth, so this could be considered antisemitism. Good job, Tea Party.

  25. 25
    D. C. Sessions

    What do you mean you don’t name your cars!?!?!!!!1!

    Some have better names than others:
    http://www.buzzfeed.com/gavon/vlad-the-impala

  26. 26
    gardengnome

    Surely they should identify which George Soros they’re talking about – there are probably hundreds, or even thousands, around the world and the old boy might convert the wrong one.

    Why do they want him converted anyway? Oh yeah, he’s got a lot of money.

  27. 27
    gardengnome

    Richardelguru

    “Nice one lofgren!

    BTW my car is Soroastrian: it’s a Mazda called Ahura!

    (What do you mean you don’t name your cars!?!?!!!!1!)”

    Ah, I remember, a little light bulb just went on in my head; that’s where Toyo Kogyo found the name, the Zoroastrianist ‘god of light’. and many of their car names reflect light – capella Luce etc.

  28. 28
    dan4

    Another example of where “prayer” is actually “attempted mind control.”

  29. 29
    tomp

    Why not pray for something like ending hunger or curing cancer? Or maybe curing the million children who die from malaria each year. I guess they consider making Soros a Christian more important than any of those.

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