Ooh, America Under Influence of Satan

Dan Delzell, an “exclusive” columnist for the Christian Post, is always good for a chuckle or two. On first read, his new column might appear to offer a classic fallacy of the excluded middle because he claims that you’re either influenced by Jesus or Satan, no other possibilities in between. But since neither of those people/entities actually exist, it’s more like a fallacy of the excluded reality.

It really isn’t politically correct these days to talk about Jesus in public, or even to speak about Satan in public. Both figures bring Christianity into the spotlight, which is right where it belongs. Your response to the Christian Gospel will reveal whether you are listening to Jesus, or to Satan. There is no getting around it. Whether you take a public position on the matter or not, you are in one camp or the other. That is because there are only two camps to which souls can belong…

Jesus loves Americans, just like He loves all the people of the world. Satan hates everybody. Jesus died for the sins of everyone to rescue us from death and hell. Satan is a schemer who loves death and wants people in hell. Satan is a created being, originally created as a good angel before his heart turned bad. Jesus is the Creator. Satan hates the fact that he cannot be God, or even come close to God’s authority and power.

Satan hates marriage between a man and a woman because this God-ordained approach represents the relationship between Christ and His people. (see Eph. 5:25,26) Therefore, Satan does whatever he can to promote every other arrangement between two people. He even convinces Americans that young people are incapable of restraint. Jesus says that Americans who know Him are able submit their bodies to doing His will rather than to sensual abandon.

Your soul will only be satisfied in a relationship with Jesus Christ. Your soul will be destroyed if Satan gets his way in your life. Jesus came to give abundant life. Satan is the author of death, disease and destruction.

I love the fact that his writing appears to be aimed at about a 4th grade reading level — very short, declarative sentences, all offered without a shred of evidence or rational argument. But I love the idea of being under the influence of Satan. Can you be arrested for driving under the influence of Satan? Is there a breathalyzer test for it?

41 comments on this post.
  1. coragyps:

    Is there a breathalyzer test for it?

    “Your Blood Brimstone Level is 0.14%. You are under arrest!”

  2. Modusoperandi:

    “Daddy, what’s marriage?”
    “Well, son, marriage is a lot like your relationship with Jesus Christ.”
     
    [Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion of I Didn't Expect This Conversation to Go There Theatre]

  3. Brett McCoy:

    I know I am. I was never baptized as a child, and the holy water in churches boils when I get too near. And I listen to heavy metal. \m/

  4. raven:

    Your response to the Christian Gospel will reveal whether you are listening to Jesus, or to Satan.

    What if you are listening to the Muppets, Thor, Zeus, or heavy metal music instead?

    If satan existed, he would own the fundie xians. They already own the Dark side of our society with no help from any supernatural beings.

    BTW, this is just primitive tribalism. Our tribe is jesus and is good. All other tribes are satan and are bad. This guy would look right at home wearing some feathers, a scary mask, and shaking his witch doctor rattle.

  5. John Pieret:

    He even convinces Americans that young people are incapable of restraint. Jesus says that Americans who know Him are able submit their bodies to doing His will rather than to sensual abandon.

    Wait a minute! Just the other day Pat Robertson was trying to convince us that married men couldn’t help having affairs just because … well … they’re men.

    That means …OMG … Pat Robertson is SATAN!!!!!!!!

  6. dingojack:

    Brett – including ‘In The Garden of Eden’ by I. Ron Butterfly?
    :) Dingo

  7. Mr Ed:

    True I am a satanist but not really a practicing one any more. With my rush rush life I just find it hard to get up for midnight black masses and my high cholesterol keeps me from feasting to the still beating hearts of innocents. I try and hit the high unholy days but I typically just celebrate them with the kids

  8. Gregory in Seattle:

    They really need a new act: the one they’ve been doing for years has grown awfully stale.

  9. bahrfeldt:

    John @ 5- No. Pat only works for Satan, full time. Ever since he was fired by Cthulhu.

  10. raven:

    If satan had a religion it would be fundie xianity.

    Fundie-ism:

    1. Based on lies check.

    2. Based on hate check

    3. Practice human child sacrifice by medical neglect and torture murders. check

    The only difference between satanists and fundies is that satanists more or less don’t exist but the fundies definitely do.

  11. Gregory in Seattle:

    @Mr Ed #7 – So you are just a Walpurgisnacht and Halloween Satanist? Such a shame.

  12. Modusoperandi:

    Mr Ed “True I am a satanist but not really a practicing one any more. With my rush rush life I just find it hard to get up for midnight black masses and my high cholesterol keeps me from feasting to the still beating hearts of innocents. I try and hit the high unholy days but I typically just celebrate them with the kids”
    You probably just go to Dark Church once a year for Anti-Christmas’ Noon Black Mass, right? Typical cafeteria Satanist!

  13. raven:

    You probably just go to Dark Church once a year for Anti-Christmas’ Noon Black Mass, right?

    This is apathetic Nominalism. A lot of satanists are just box checkers, census satanists.

    It doesn’t look good for the future of the satanic church.

  14. grignon:

    Either I’m destined for eternal torment or satanic destruction. Which is it? It’s so effin’ hard to pack when the xtians are running the tours.

  15. Larry:

    Satan is a created being, originally created as a good angel before his heart turned bad.

    Just like Darth Vader!!

    Satan is the author of death, disease and destruction.

    He rode a tank
    Held a general’s rank
    When the blitzkrieg raged
    And the bodies stank

    Ooo, ooo!

  16. some bastard on the net:

    Jesus loves Americans, just like He loves all the people of the world.

    I love how he just tacks on the rest of the world, almost like an afterthought.

  17. dingojack:

    “Satan is the author of death, disease and destruction”

    If you loved Guns, Germs and Steel you love this. A great holiday read, despite the naff title….(4.2 out of 5 stars).

    Dingo

  18. D. C. Sessions:

    Can you be arrested for driving under the influence of Satan? Is there a breathalyzer test for it?

    I can see naming some kind of booze “Satan.” I mean, Stone has their Arrogant Bastard brand with the gargoyle mascot. Other craft beers dance around the same theme.

    But what the world really needs is “Satan” vodka, “Old Nick” scotch, “Old Scratch” bourbon, etc. Or do I have the name/hooch pairs mixed up?

  19. Artor:

    Raven @ 12
    Satanists do actually exist, and I’ve known a few. While I think their theology is pretty juvenile, they are generally much nicer people than fundie Xtians.

  20. raven:

    Satanists do actually exist, and I’ve known a few.

    Very few.

    The most prominent group, LaVey’s Church of Satan are…atheists. AFAICT, LaVey just wrote his book for the money, after seeing what Elron Hubbard did with Scientology.

    Others believe that xians got their gods confused and satan is actually the good one. They might have a point inasmuch as the OT god is a monster.

    And some kids of all ages just like to shock their parents.

  21. raven:

    wikipedia CoSatan:

    Beliefs [edit]The Church of Satan does not “worship” or believe in Satan, nor do they believe in gods. LaVeyan Satanism follows the

    belief that one’s self is their own “God”.

    They do not believe in suppression of desire and human nature. In an interview with David Shankbone, High Priest Peter Gilmore stated ”

    <b.My real feeling is that anybody who believes in supernatural entities on some level is insane.

    Whether they believe in the Devil or God, they are abdicating reason”.[17]

    Sounds a lot more like Ayn Randism than anything else. Rand Paul and Paul Ryan would fit right in.

  22. marcus:

    As far as myths and metaphors go, I enjoy the Eastern version of Satan, aka Lucifer (the light bringer) whose sin wasn’t hate, it was too much love. The story is that he loved God too much to submit to man, as he was ordered to do, and refused to recognize man as a higher being. His punishment was to be separated from God for eternity. He is sustained through that eternity by the memory of the echo of God’s voice when God said, “Begone from my presence!” Now that is a metaphor of eternal love!

  23. marcus:

    @me 22 And much more interesting than that crap the Christians like to spread.

  24. Akira MacKenzie:

    Mr Ed @ u

    You’re more of a Halloween-and-Walpurgisnacht satanist, eh?

  25. Akira MacKenzie:

    Sorry that should have been

    Mr Ed @ 7

  26. rr:

    I heard that Jesus Christ and Satan are the same person. I can’t find any evidence to disprove it.

  27. fmitchell:

    Recently I overheard a long-winded monologue about the recent flooding in my area. The gist was that the Enemy tried to lead the speaker into a flooded street but God saved her (through some mundane means which I can’t remember now).

    It must be nice to think that every incident in one’s life is another skirmish in a cosmic war between Good and Evil. So much more exciting than my own belief that shit happens and you have to pay attention lest the shit fall upon you.

  28. Modusoperandi:

    some bastard on the net “I love how he just tacks on the rest of the world, almost like an afterthought.”
    Just like God did.*
     
    * Take that, rest of the world!

  29. raven:

    It must be nice to think that every incident in one’s life is another skirmish in a cosmic war between Good and Evil.

    What happens when bad things happen to her?

    Does that mean satan has achieved a victory?

    And bad things happen to everyone but they happen a lot more often to fundie xians. They score low in socioeconomic status, education, and IQ and high on social problems. Not to mention that their god is always sending tornadoes and hurricanes into their heartland.

  30. marcus:

    @29 Why does God hate Christians so?

  31. Curt Cameron:

    Jesus says that Americans who know Him are able submit their bodies to doing His will rather than to sensual abandon.

    It always cracks me up when the wingnuts describe gay sex as something like “sensual abandon.”

    I guess I’m pretty hetero, because my idea of sensual abandon would involve women.

  32. Larry:

    @30

    He only wants to be one of the gang. As He’ll sometimes quip: I like Me. Its My fan club I can’t abide.

  33. d.c.wilson:

    “Jesus loves Americans, just like He loves all the people of the world.”

    Wait, he’s admitting Jesus loves foreigners?

    Commie!

  34. bmiller:

    Since GAWD created everything (including Satan), I though HE, ultimately, was the author of death, destruction, and disease. I am confused.

  35. lofgren:

    I enjoy the Eastern version of Satan

    My favorite Satan is from a short sci-fi story I read in high school. God created the universe, and with it pain, destruction, and all manner of terrible awful no good things that happen to humans. Because he existed outside creation, God did not understand pain and suffering. But Satan was a created being, so he did understand the humans’ pain, and he pleaded their case to God. God interpreted Satan’s empathy as a prideful boast that Satan could do a better job of running the universe. God punished Satan for his pride by compelling him to preside for all eternity over the torture the humans he so loved. Because of his advanced empathy, Satan experiences every torture as his own, yet is unable to stop.

    Yet God observed that despite the threat of eternal torment, humans chose Satan’s influence again and again. In order to better understand pain, God incarnated himself as a created being (i.e. Jesus). After experiencing suffering and death, God realized the horror that he had created. Unfortunately, to simply undo the universe would be the same as killing all of his beloved creations, so instead God began the complex process of intermingling himself with creation. As his spirit infuses the universe, the world becomes a happier, less awful place. However this process takes time. Eventually the elbow will bend and the paradise we have been promised will be delivered on earth. In the meantime, we must all help it along by being the best person we can possibly be.

    Even for a non-Christian I thought it was quite compelling and beautiful.

  36. longstreet63:

    Let’s see:
    1) Satan was created good and went bad. (With a name like that, it seems inevitable.) So God the perfect screwed up YET AGAIN and had his creations rot from within. Can this guy do anything RIGHT?
    2) Satan will destroy my soul? He can do that? Cuz that seems pretty godlike of a power. Can the other angels do that, too? Or is that just the Dark Side of the power that God chose to grant his ‘enemy’?
    Also, if having my soul destroyed means oblivion, then I will happily sign up for that rather than the unending torture of being a purely ornamental detail in Heaven until the heat death of the Universe..after which there will still be infinite time left to be bored in.

  37. dan4:

    The idea that a marriage between a man and a woman “represents the relationship between God and his people” only makes sense if women and women ONLY were Christians (God is a man, after all).

  38. dingojack:

    rr (#26) – no one has ever seen them together in the same room, have they?
    Dingo

  39. birgerjohansson:

    I spend a lot of time being influenced by the Elder Gods. And I hang out with Asherah, Yahweh’s ex-wife, Is that good or bad?

  40. thebookofdave:

    @rr #26

    I heard that Jesus Christ and Satan are the same person.

    Supporting evidence: Isaiah 14:12 and Revelations 22:16. Both are referred to as “the bright morning star”. Also, they are never seen together. Coincidence?

  41. dingojack:

    birgerjohansson – it’s fine, just as long as you don’t covet her ass*.
    Dingo
    ——–
    * God seems fine with people looking at his ass. Jesus seemed keen have Satan get behind him (for some reason), perhaps as the former was near the edge of a cliff he was hoping it would force him back-up harder.

Leave a comment

You must be