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May 14 2013

Alan Keyes Plays Connect the Dots

Alan Keyes wants Americans to embrace “synoptic thinking.” Synoptic means “seeing apparently distinct things or events as they relate to one another to form, on the whole, a coherent plan, pattern or design.” So he lists a bunch of points that he labels “data” and tries to draw a connection. I’m sure you’ll be shocked at the connections he draws.

Data: Obama issues orders to allow open homosexuality in the military.

Nope. False. Obama did not issue an order to do this, Congress passed a law that did this.

Data: An anti-Christian extremist, who decries Christian military personnel who share their faith as “enemies of the Constitution,” “virulently homophobic” and “human monsters,” meets Obama-appointed Pentagon officials. The Pentagon thereafter issues “a statement confirming that soldiers could be prosecuted for promoting their faith.”

Also false and debunked repeatedly.

Data: U.S. Sen. Jim Inhofe, R-Okla., says he believes open purchase orders from the Department of Homeland Security to buy over 1 billion rounds of ammunition are part of an “intentional” effort by the Obama administration to “dry up the market” for gun-owning citizens.

Data: Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin believes the federal government is “stockpiling bullets in case of civil unrest.”

Keyes looked up the definition of synoptic; he clearly needs to look up data too. These are not “data” they are idiotic conspiracy theories that have been disproved even by the NRA, for crying out loud.

Consider the different pieces of information provided above. Taken as discrete bits of information, the reports about the possible prosecution of evangelistic Christians in the military and about GOP quislings on the issue of same-sex marriage might be mistaken for separate and discrete episodes. People concerned about the free exercise of religion may be prodded by the first. People concerned about the nature and integrity of family life may be poked by the second. But then we notice that the person attacking Christian evangelizers in the military seeks to label them as “virulently homophobic.” The salience of this attack draws on the moral capital created by the success of the movement to destigmatize homosexuality and demonize those who disapprove of it. The push for same-sex marriage is the cutting edge of that movement. It creates an important component of the moral ammunition being fired off against Christians in the military.

This is wingnut thinking on clear display — start with a bunch of fake “facts” and then build a conspiracy theory around them.

37 comments

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  1. 1
    Kevin

    That was HILARIOUS. All it needed was Lizard People and the Illuminati. And the UN. And Nibiru.

  2. 2
    sbh

    The reason these pieces of fake data “form, on the whole, a coherent plan, pattern or design” is simple; the same conspiracy-minded people made them all up.

  3. 3
    Doug Little

    But then we notice that the person attacking Christian evangelizers in the military seeks to label them as “virulently homophobic.”

    Well only if they actually are.

  4. 4
    d.c.wilson

    The beauty of it is that Keyes seemingly oblivious to the fact that Inhofe and Palin give two completely different motivations for the government buying “billions” of bullets.

  5. 5
    richardelguru

    Data: the Synoptic Gospels don’t make much sense either.

  6. 6
    nkrishna

    Pretty standard conspiracy M.O. Make up your data/plot points and fit events around them. It works in fiction but not in real life. There was a rash of this kind of conspiracy mongering after the Boston Marathon (it was probably always like that but I noticed a lot more of it), and I did a little analysis of it here.

  7. 7
    Doug Little

    Data : 2300 people are reported missing in the United States each day.

    Data : Allan Keyes was a member of the Cornell University Glee Club

    Data : American Idol is one of the highest-rated TV shows in the history of television

    Therefore Alan Keyes is kidnapping 2300 Americans daily to try out for a new yet to be released reality TV show that he is producing.

    Yes, Hmmmm, I like this little game.

  8. 8
    D. C. Sessions

    This is wingnut thinking on clear display — start with a bunch of fake “facts” and then build a conspiracy theory around them.

    Ed, I think you have that backwards.

  9. 9
    ArtK

    So “synoptic” is the deliberate, pseudo-intellectual version of pareidolia? Seeing patterns and connections where they don’t actually exist?

  10. 10
    =8)-DX

    All it needed was Lizard People and the Illuminati. And the UN. And Nibiru.
    Some people seem to like extra shit in their bull ;)

  11. 11
    =8)-DX

    I think the main reason he used that word, is because he was trying to describe the kind of thinking you need to pretend the three synoptic gospels are not contradictory in any way.

  12. 12
    scienceavenger

    I couldn’t get past “Data: U.S. Sen. Jim Inhofe, R-Okla., says…” Like any rational person would give a fuck.

  13. 13
    composer99

    So Alan Keyes wants all Americans to become like Glenn Beck.

    I weep for America if anything approaching the culmination of this vision comes to pass.

  14. 14
    Kevin

    @13: So Alan Keyes wants all Americans to hate black people?

    That can’t be right…

  15. 15
    dukeofomnium

    I’ll give him this much: he used the word “discrete” with the correct spelling and in the proper context. Most people couldn’t.

  16. 16
    John Pieret

    Alan Keyes Plays Connect the Dots

    The datapoint we need is what color crayon Washington and his readers are using to connect the dots.

  17. 17
    John Pieret

    Opps … “Keyes and his readers” … I got my insanely wingnut Afro-Americans mixed up.

  18. 18
    imthegenieicandoanything

    Datum: Artificial, robotic micro-dogs have been sent by Islamic Atheist Aliens to invade Alan Keyes brain (and, yes, these dogs must be exceptionally ‘micro’ due to the small size of said ‘brain’!), given that Alan “SUPER-GENIUS” Keyes is far and away the biggest obstacle to their efforts at world domination and the making of Battlefield Earth a reality, right down to Travolta’s performance. And – most horifying of all – THESE micro-dogs have micro-bees coming out of their mouths!!!!

    “Conservative”? Fuck off!

    “Republican”? Fuck off!

  19. 19
    Argle Bargle

    Glen Beck has a rival.

  20. 20
    slc1

    Re Ulysses @ #19

    This schmuck is even more insane the Beck.

  21. 21
    Modusoperandi

    “These are not ‘data’ they are idiotic conspiracy theories that have been disproved even by the NRA, for crying out loud.”

    It’s not a conspiracy theory. It’s a fact. I went to buy ammo for my 20-gauge but they didn’t have any, because the government bought all of the 5.56mm NATO and 9mm para ammo.
    Haven’t you ever gone to the home renovation center and been unable to buy a screen door because they were out of 2x4s? It’s just like that.

  22. 22
    coffeehound

    @ 15,

    I’ll give him this much: he used the word “discrete” with the correct spelling and in the proper context. Most people couldn’t.

    Meh. He’s like a chimp at a craps table, rolling a seven doesn’t mean he’s in the game…

  23. 23
    montanto

    Well… In his defense he’s probably right about the Palin and Inhofe one but…

    Data: Everyone in this country smarter than a gerbil know that both of them are pitiful jokes.

  24. 24
    vmanis1

    1. The Byzantine Empire was overthrown by the Ottomans in 1453.
    2. People laugh at Sen Inhofe whenever he says something stupid.
    3. I have a tin of Altoids in my pocket.

    Connect the dots and weep!

  25. 25
    dan4

    Uh, what exactly is wrong with the federal government “stockpiling bullets in case of civil unrest?”

  26. 26
    escuerd

    Clearly, Keyes has yet to master synaptic thinking.

  27. 27
    abb3w

    Datum: Alan Keyes is demonstrating inability to distinguish people’s beliefs about data from primary data.

  28. 28
    No One

    #25@dan4

    Uh, what exactly is wrong with the federal government “stockpiling bullets in case of civil unrest?”

    Generally those government types shoot at people who are shooting at them.

  29. 29
    Artor

    @escuerd#26
    Clearly, Keyes has yet to master ANY kind of thinking.
    FIFY

  30. 30
    escuerd

    Well that was sort of the implication.

  31. 31
    democommie

    Data:

    Alan Keyes, nor any of his representatives, has ever answered repeated requests (which may or may not have been tendered) asking him about his alleged participation in the kidnapping, rapes, murders and cannibalism of thousands of orphans in the 1990′s as part of a conspiracy involving Glennie Bek and numerous highly placed GOP operatives and elected officials.

    I’m not SAYING that he was involved; and he’s not saying he wasn’t. I’m just seeking the truth!

  32. 32
    justsomeguy

    @18 and 27:

    Thank you for recognizing that “data” is the plural form of “datum.”

  33. 33
    dingojack

    justsomeguy – and the plural of ‘Platypus’ is….?
    @@
    Dingo

  34. 34
    birgerjohansson

    Alan Keyes passed through New York the day an unsolved murder took place. Connect the dots.

  35. 35
    Hercules Grytpype-Thynne

    @24:

    1. Data: the Byzantine Empire was overthrown by the Ottomans in 1453.
    2. Data: I have an ottoman in my living room.
    3. Data: I’ll be keeping a watchful eye on my living-room furniture from now on.

  36. 36
    chilidog99

    Chemtrails, damnit, what about the chemtrails?

  37. 37
    had3

    If the chimp has a chip and a chair, he’s in the game dammit!

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