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JP 2 on Fast Track to Sainthood

The Catholic Church is fast tracking the canonization of Pope John Paul II, which could happen as early as later this year — a record time for the church to invent a bunch of nonsense about miracles. A council of doctors, none of them non-Catholic of course, has validated a second “miracle.”

The canonisation of Wojtyla is getting closer quickly and it could be celebrated next October. In fact, in the past few days, the medical council of the Congregation for the Causes of Saints has recognized as inexplicable one healing attributed to the blessed John Paul II. A supposed “miracle” that, if it is also approved by theologians and the cardinals (as it is very likely), will bring the Polish Pope, who died in 2005, the halo of sainthood in record time, just eight years after his death.

It all happened in great secrecy, with maximum confidentiality.

Imagine that.

Two doctors of the Vatican council had previously examined this new case, and both gave a favourable opinion. The dossier with the medical records and the testimonies was then officially presented to the Congregation, which immediately included the examination in its agenda. In the past few days it was discussed by a committee of seven doctors, the council (presided over by Dr. Patrick Polisca, Pope John Paul II’s cardiologist), Pope Benedict XVI’s personal physicians and now Pope Francis’s. The medical council also gave a favourable opinion, the first official go-ahead by the Vatican, by defining as inexplicable the healing attributed to the intercession of the blessed Karol Wojtyla.

A bunch of Catholic doctors working in secret have confirmed a detail-free “miracle” healing. How shocking. To quote the late great Greg Giraldo, “They say Pope John Paul II performed miracles. Miracles! He died from a urinary tract infection; he had less magic powers than cranberry juice, but apparently I’m supposed to believe that he had quite a bag of tricks up his sleeve.

Comments

  1. roggg says

    There’s a medical council of the Congregation for the Causes of Saints? What kind of a bass-ackwards fairy tale world am I living in?

  2. says

    Is the Medical Council of the Congregation for the Causes of Saints relying on input from the Society for the Propagation of the Fatuous?

  3. unbound says

    There is supposed to be a devil’s advocate looking for reasons why he shouldn’t be a saint…or has that part of the process been eliminated? If not, you would think covering up the very public child rape scandals would deep six his nomination.

  4. laurentweppe says

    Come on, you’re being too hard on hoim: John Paul Two did name Fancis the First bishop, paving the way to the first pope taking an interest in defending the poor since the dawn of the pornocracy* And that’s a bona fide miracle.

    .
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    *yes, there’s an era in papal history called the pornocracy, look it up

  5. says

    I’m thinking that they want to get that done before Pope Frank’s ordered investigation of Vatican business dealings gets John Paul the Shitheel in its crosshairs.

  6. says

    First they replaced a much-loved Pope with a tone-deaf reactionary authoritarian idiot who was seriously tainted by his past comprimises with the Nazi regime. Then, when that proved a spectacular failure, they nudged him out and replaced him with a bland mediocrity who was also tainted by his compromises with another brutal fascist junta. They can’t bring back the guy everyone loved, and they can’t find anyone equally decent in their present ranks — so what else can they do but make up some excuse to deify — oops, I mean canonize — the lovable guy? (And didn’t said loveble guy earn some of that love by scoffing at the idea of canonizing him? All the more reason to canonize him — such modesty from people who claim to be God’s only representatives on Earth is nothing short of a miracle!)

    Hey, it worked for Roman emperors, so why wouldn’t it work for Roman popes?

  7. says

    There is supposed to be a devil’s advocate looking for reasons why he shouldn’t be a saint…or has that part of the process been eliminated?

    That’s the most secret part of the process. You just gotta have faith that it’s happening.

    If not, you would think covering up the very public child rape scandals would deep six his nomination.

    Admit a Pope made a mistake? That wouldn’t just deep-six his canonization, it would deep-six the Church’s entire claim to legitimacy! So such a point would probably have ZERO air-time in any of these deliberations.

  8. says

    No, wait, that was The Matrix. I got confused for a second.

    Heckuva thing to get confused about — “The Matrix” is based on the Gnostic heresy, which the Church dispensed with over a thousand years ago. :-)

  9. Jeremy Shaffer says

    There is supposed to be a devil’s advocate looking for reasons why he shouldn’t be a saint…or has that part of the process been eliminated?

    They’re counting the fact that the devil has yet to name an advocate as one of JP II’s miracles. In a few years we’ll start getting JP II jokes similar to the Chuck Norris ones because of this. Of course, if they turn out to be funny, unlike the Norris ones, that might actually count as a miracle but I wouldn’t hold my breath.

  10. eamick says

    There is supposed to be a devil’s advocate looking for reasons why he shouldn’t be a saint…or has that part of the process been eliminated?

    It was eliminated in 1983 (guess whose idea that was…), though they do sometimes ask for contrary views in more controversial cases, e.g., Hitch’s testimony against Mother Teresa.

  11. Didaktylos says

    I believe Wojtyla abolished the role of Devil’s Advocate. I suspect, that if he had thought he could have managed it, he would also have abolished the rule that prevents an incumbent Pope from canonising himself. (That was too much even for the medieval Church).

  12. says

    The fact that he died beloved despite his role in covering up the child rape scandals is one of the miracles.

    The other is his face appearing on a potato chip.

  13. Kengi says

    It’s a miracle that anyone still trusts the Catholic Church after the child abuse cover-up scandal was revealed to be so systemic and widespread.

    Hey! Another miracle!

  14. lorn says

    I see a lot of this sort of thing in ossified and atavistic bureaucracies full of people who are sure they are doing the right thing and feel that he public would applaud if only they knew. Particularly if the organization is in deep decline. To make each other feel better about the damage they do they hand out metals and titles.

    Republican administrations open up presidential libraries and hand out Metals of Freedom. The Catholic church goes for sainthood and religious orders. Dictators do the same thing but they make the process more efficient, and more shameless, by cutting out the middlemen and granting themselves titles, awards and metals.

  15. laurentweppe says

    First they replaced a much-loved Pope with a tone-deaf reactionary authoritarian idiot who was seriously tainted by his past comprimises with the Nazi regime

    Would you kindly go and bash you head on a solid wall until you extirpated the dishonesty from your brain?
    Being conscrited by the dictatorship you’re born in while still a kid is not compromising with the regime.
    Besides, it is a fucking hypocrisy: people who call Ratzinger a guy who “compromised with the Nazi regime” ignore that someone like Gunter Grass ended up being conscripted as well, while the people who are prone to point finger at Grass are the ones who refuse to use the same standard toward Panzer Kardinal. It all reeks of despicable tribalistic double standard.

  16. Gvlgeologist, FCD says

    This reminds me of the activities of the Republicans who tried (and still try) to get everything they can, named after St. Ronnie, even while he was alive. I always figured it was because, as time goes on, more and more of the problems of his 2 administrations will come to light, and history will treat RR far less well than he is currently thought of.

  17. noastronomer says

    Just the fact that there is a ‘fast-track to sainthood’ is enough to have me shaking my head in disbelief.

    Mike.

  18. Reginald Selkirk says

    Back in the day, God really knew how to work a good miracle:
    The flying house of Loreto

    Loreto is a town in Italy. According to an old legend, the Holy Family’s house, which had been carefully preserved in Nazareth, was under threat from invaders, so in the 13th century, angels took it from there to Loreto in order to keep it intact and safe…

  19. David Marjanović says

    There is supposed to be a devil’s advocate looking for reasons why he shouldn’t be a saint…or has that part of the process been eliminated?

    Yes, pretty much. In addition to comment 11, Ben XVI “reformed” the process again to make canonization yet easier.

    a tone-deaf reactionary authoritarian idiot who was seriously tainted by his past comprimises with the Nazi regime

    …Compromises? When he was a teenager???

    They’re counting the fact that the devil has yet to name an advocate as one of JP II’s miracles. In a few years we’ll start getting JP II jokes similar to the Chuck Norris ones because of this. Of course, if they turn out to be funny, unlike the Norris ones, that might actually count as a miracle but I wouldn’t hold my breath.

    Thread won.

  20. says

    Being conscrited by the dictatorship you’re born in while still a kid is not compromising with the regime.

    First, Ratzi’s service in the German army was a little more complex than that, as other commenters have noted on more than one thread here. And second, I wasn’t referring to that so much as to his internalization of the same rigid authoritarian values the Nazi regime embodied.

  21. argos says

    @Didaktylos, 12:

    I suspect, that if he had thought he could have managed it, he would also have abolished the rule that prevents an incumbent Pope from canonising himself.

    Russell’s Paradox!

  22. busterggi says

    democommie @ 6. “Is the Medical Council of the Congregation for the Causes of Saints relying on input from the Society for the Propagation of the Fatuous?”

    Surely you’ve heard of the Miracle of Our Lady of Fatuous?

  23. Rip Steakface says

    Unfortunately, Poland frakking adores the guy. There’s a JPII street, school or whathaveyou in every town in Poland, and Krakow was his bishopric. I couldn’t go half an hour without seeing a statue or plaque commemorating him. That said, he wasn’t entirely awful. He covered up child molestation cases… and saved Jewish refugees from extermination in the death camps. Maybe I was influenced by my trip to Poland, I dunno.

  24. says

    JPII among other odious acts, appointed Popalope Ratfuck to his job at the head of the modern Inquisition, may he fucking rot in the crypt.

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