Finally, a Dating Site for Loonies

If you loved Christian Mingle, you’re gonna love Alex Jones’ new dating site for “freedom lovers” — read: conspiracy nuts who think vaccines are a form of mind control and that the aliens planted a device in their anal cavity. To be fair, this is a necessary service since most singles bars won’t admit people wearing a tin foil hat, carrying an AK-47. This site grabs some of the most interesting profiles. Like this one:

Dating3-306x350

Unfortunately, she’s probably too old for this fine catch:

Dating51-306x350

This has prompted a Twitter competition to see who could come up with the best pickup lines for this site. Like these:

How about we get illuminaughty and you show me your nude world order? #infowarspickuplines via @sabokitty

— Occupy Wall Street (@OccupyWallStNYC) April 26, 2013

Are you hoarding dried salami in case globalists have poisoned our survival rations? Or are you just happy to see me? #InfoWarsPickupLines

— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) April 26, 2013

My perfect night? You, me, the subcutaneous RIFD listening devices and the Illuminati disinfo agents monitoring us.#InfowarsPickupLines

— Rick Wilson (@TheRickWilson) April 26, 2013

42 comments on this post.
  1. glodson:

    Finally, I know the market for my tinfoil lined condoms!

  2. jamessweet:

    Okay, the “hoarding dried salami” line made me laugh out loud. HILARIOUS.

    In other news, I have a friend who is newly-single (bumpy and sudden divorce :/ ) who believes in the DHS ammo-buying conspiracy, flouridated water conspiracy, vaccine conspiracy…. I’m really tempted to send this to him.

  3. Hercules Grytpype-Thynne:

    The best #InfowarsPickupLines tweet I’ve seen was:

    I’d like to shoot all over your grassy knoll, if you know what I mean….

  4. Dr X:

    Seen elsewhere: Is that a false flagpole in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?

  5. Gretchen:

    I managed to make it through six or seven episodes of Doomsday Preppers before I quit watching because it became repetitive. And without exception, every thing cited by the people on that show as the thing they were afraid of, the concern that made them want to lay in provisions, stock up on guns, fortify their household, etc., could be considered conspiracy theory or a completely unrealistic fear or both. But man….the couples on that show? Pretty touching. It’s kinda cool to see them bonding over planning for the end of civilization and doing their best to see it through together.

    Whackjobs and raving loons need love too. :-)

  6. Doug Little:

    “Do I know you? Because I’m having a hard time recognizing you with your hazmat suit on”

  7. Raging Bee:

    She got one flu jab and “suddenly” saw through the entire “well-disguised, master-minded” population-control conspiracy? And does that kid even know what “analog” is?

  8. d.c.wilson:

    I can’t imagine how two paranoid loons could have a relationship together. What if one suspects the other of cheating and starts following them around? How long until they’re both convinced the other is a man in black trying to turn the other gay using fluoride and chemtrails?

  9. d.c.wilson:

    “What’s your sign? Mine is ‘trespassers shot on sight’.”

  10. Doug Little:

    Do you hate background checks?

    Welcome to the gun show, /flexes muscles.

  11. Reginald Selkirk:

    conspiracy nuts who think … that the aliens planted a device in their anal cavity.

    Or want someone to do so.

  12. Reginald Selkirk:

    Why not analog and digital exist side-by-side?

    They do, you stupid git.

  13. Modusoperandi:

    “How about you and me go back to my bunker and rotate some rations?”

  14. Abby Normal:

    Your bunker or mine?

    I’ve got a nine, and we ain’t talkin’ millimeters.

    Mmm, girl, you’ve got the right to bare everything.

    Here’s my number. Memorize it quickly. It self-destructs in one minute.

  15. godlesspanther:

    Gene pool — CRINGE.

  16. ajeffri:

    Am I the only one who read that last profile and thought, “I want to be……A LUMBERJACK!”

    Especially the last paragraph.

  17. otrame:

    You know what? That picture is not a 47 year old woman. Period. So not only is she delusional, she is also a liar. Bad combination, IMO.

    And that young man? His free association doesn’t quite cause communication dysfunction but it is still pretty bad.

    IOW, I agree with godlesspanther.

  18. Gretchen:

    d.c. wilson said:

    I can’t imagine how two paranoid loons could have a relationship together. What if one suspects the other of cheating and starts following them around? How long until they’re both convinced the other is a man in black trying to turn the other gay using fluoride and chemtrails?

    Some (very tongue-in-cheek) answers:

    1. They’re not paranoid about everything equally and all the time, you silly. Someone who thinks he was abducted by aliens could date someone who thinks Obama is secretly a lizard person just fine if they both agree that neither of them is an alien or a lizard person (or Obama).

    2. If they happen to share the same paranoid delusions, they are more powerful together! Twice the paranoia, twice the fun!

    3. Paranoid loon women are comparatively rare. If you’re a paranoid loon man who happens to find one who takes a shine to you in return, it’s not the best idea to immediately turn around and accuse her of cheating or being a secret government agent lizard person– or both. Not when there are plenty of other guys out there who are willing to turn off their conspiracy detectors in exchange for having someone to share their tinfoil covered beds.

  19. Doug Little:

    Al Gore must hate you?

    Because you are the real cause of global warming.

  20. NitricAcid:

    There have been times when I’ve wanted to meet a particularly gullible woman…

  21. Raging Bee:

    …conspiracy nuts who think … that the aliens planted a device in their anal cavity…Or want someone to do so.

    Hey, honey, I’ll probe for your alien tracking device if you probe for mine.

  22. Doug Little:

    The black helicopters are coming, quick follow me, I know a good place to hide.

  23. Alareth:

    @ raging bee #7

    The needle ruptured a blockage in her truth chakra.

  24. Raging Bee:

    …let’s do it outdoors in the rain, ’cause their alien technology doesn’t function near water…

  25. Stevarious, Public Health Problem:

    Baby, you are the HAARP to the third world country that is my heart!

  26. tubi:

    How committed are you to “standing your ground”?

  27. Michael Heath:

    Raging Bee writes:

    She got one flu jab and “suddenly” saw through the entire “well-disguised, master-minded” population-control conspiracy?

    That’s not as bad as Francis Collins seeing a frozen waterfall, therefore Jesus is God.

  28. thisisaturingtest:

    From the first ad:

    My area of focus has been primarily on vaccine injury & fearstream media manipulation…

    Really? I don’t think I’ve ever seen cognitive dissonance kick in quite so quickly to block recognition of self contradiction. Someone screaming “vaccines [are] a well-disguised, master-minded tool of population control” is calling the media “fearstream”?

  29. fifthdentist:

    I have to admit, when I heard about this my first thought was wouldn’t the Storm Front’s dating site work for these people?
    But I never considered that some people’s lives were made miserable by the aliens or vaccine developers or evil government and not — well at least not exclusively — by the Jew//fag/ni**er conspiracy to take over the world.

  30. Ichthyic:

    well?

    Have you found your special Freedom Lover (r)(c) yet?

    man, I will bet anything that will end up being an internet meme.

    Just remember:

    The mighty Evergreens tower with pride!

    lol

  31. Ichthyic:

    That’s not as bad as Francis Collins seeing a frozen waterfall, therefore Jesus is God.

    well, both things are lies so in that sense, they’re equally bad in my book.

    A lot of people don’t know that Collins’ little bit of “revelation” there is actually a lie. He went all “born again” long before the imagined waterfall incident.

    it’s just that the waterfall incident sounded so pretty…

  32. tfkreference:

    A box of survival crackers, a jug of non-fluoridated water, and thou.

  33. gardengnome:

    “A box of survival crackers, a jug of non-fluoridated water, an AK-47, and thou”.

  34. Doug Little:

    Have you found your special Freedom Lover (r)(c) yet?

    Cause nothing sounds more rapey than being locked in a bunker with a right wing authoritarian asshole when the end of the world is nigh.

    Wait what’s that… Oh we’re meant to use the other tagline.

  35. martinc:

    “I’ve been fighting for Infowar causes for years. Admittedly that was because I initially thought Agenda 21 was a plan to change the age of consent.”

  36. dan4:

    Regarding the first profile: How exactly can something be “learned very quickly” and yet that same thing be “well-disguised”?

  37. stace:

    I’m guessing Very Mary wants to scratch out David’s eyes because his hair is nicer than hers.

  38. Raging Bee:

    That’s not as bad as Francis Collins seeing a frozen waterfall, therefore Jesus is God.

    Actually, in terms of observable consequences, it’s worse.

  39. fastlane:

    Man, it could be so much fun to troll that site. I suspect they charge a lot of money, though, even to browse the ads, because, you know….fools and their money.

  40. kermit.:

    “vaccines [are] a well-disguised, master-minded tool of population control”

    They are, actually. They provide a small but measurable survival advantage to sane people.

  41. lofgren:

    Whenever I see somebody using a word that they obviously don’t understand in an obviously incorrect manner, I wonder what word or concept they are actually trying to convey. In this case, what is Blackwolf91 really trying to say when he says that he is an “analog technology” enthusiast? The reference to Ordo ab Chao makes me think he’s suggesting that the rise in digital media formats is some kind of masonic conspiracy. The only other place that I have heard anything resembling that notion is when the television networks switched to a digital-only broadcast in 2009. There were some rumblings at that time that the boxes that owners of CRT televisions were required to install in order to continue to view broadcast television were actually Big Brother-style tracking devices. Maybe te displacement of analog TV signals is what Blackwolf91 was thinking of when he asked “why not analog and digital exist side-by-side?” I suppose it will give us something to talk about over MREs on our first date.

  42. Modusoperandi:

    lofgren “In this case, what is Blackwolf91 really trying to say when he says that he is an ‘analog technology’ enthusiast?”
    He has a record player.
     
    “I suppose it will give us something to talk about over MREs on our first date.”
    What?! Then who is going to be on watch?

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