Klingenschmitt: Demons Behind NFL Players Coming Out


With a group of four NFL players reportedly planning to publicly come out as gay, the wingnuts are losing their minds (or what passes for minds). Our old friend Gordon Klingenschmitt says “the devil is afoot here” and demons are behind the whole thing. I bet their plan is to turn Tim Tebow gay.

Comments

  1. lldayo says

    We can only dream that Tebow would be one of the players to come out gay. It would be like winning the lottery, solving world hunger, solving the energy crisis and being able to have dibs on the 1000 hottest women on earth all at the same time.

  2. says

    The logic is impeccable. Four players out of the entire NFL are going to come out, therefore the NFL says gays make better athletes, therefore high school coaches will encourage their players to turn gay in order to win games, therefore Christians will be punished for not being gay! QED!

    Also, that old standby “they cannot reproduce, so they must recruit” is thrown in for bonus points!

    Have I left out any steps? I try to show my work, you know.

  3. grumpyoldfart says

    After considering the story told in Matthew 8:28-34, I suggest we run a herd of pigs through the arena at the start of each season. The gay demons will disappear.

  4. busterggi says

    Betwixt oral sex and anal sex and protected sex for pure enjoyment – it seems that demons are having all the good sex and Christians are left with the bad (only for procreation, only at night, only in the dark, only in missionary position & no feeling good about it), thus proving there is such a thing as bad sex.

  5. twincats says

    Dibs on women? Really?? How does that even work unless you’re an old testament king?

    Bah.

  6. tbp1 says

    You know, it’s really disquieting that in 2013 there are not only people who still believe that demons even exist, but that they have followers and access to public forums, and are not simply laughed at.

    I didn’t really think when I was a kid that we would have eliminated all irrationality by this time, but I didn’t think it would be so rampant and mainstream. Naive, for sure.

  7. says

    There are only two things that make a person gay: a biological mother and a biological father.
    I figured out in 1960 that I was gay. This was years before the GAY AGENDA was published. Since then, anyone who wants to be gay has to sign it in blood and swear they will never, ever even look at a person of the opposite sex. In 1960 the pre-GAY AGENDA was sooper sekret and I will never know who my recruiter was. I would have liked to thank him. (We also had a sekret handshake back then, but I forgot it right away and never was able to meet another gay person until the GA was adopted which eliminated the handshake. We now use code words to recruit.)

  8. Michael Heath says

    meursalt writes:

    The logic is impeccable. Four players out of the entire NFL are going to come out, therefore the NFL says gays make better athletes, therefore high school coaches will encourage their players to turn gay in order to win games, therefore Christians will be punished for not being gay! QED! Therefore, please send money.

    Also, that old standby “they cannot reproduce, so they must recruit” is thrown in for bonus points!

    Have I left out any steps? I try to show my work, you know.

    One step missed; I add above in bold.

  9. dogmeat says

    We can only dream that Tebow would be one of the players to come out gay.

    Imagine the horror, first, you’d have to have some poor bastard who would have to not only put up with gay-bashing, but then would have to be in a relationship with Tebow? That would almost be proof that there was a devil and a hell.

  10. steve84 says

    Klingonshit is big about demons. He once told a story about how a servicemember came to him for counseling after being raped. When she told him that she is gay he performed an exorcism on her and recruited her into his cult. He had a huge laugh about it.

  11. Stacy says

    and being able to have dibs on the 1000 hottest women on earth all at the same time

    I want dibs on the sort of men who talk about women as if they were objects one could have “dibs on.” Then I’ll choose which ones get beaten over their heads with a clue-by-four as a warning to all the rest.

  12. escuerd says

    We can only dream that Tebow would be one of the players to come out gay. It would be like winning the lottery, solving world hunger, solving the energy crisis and being able to have dibs on the 1000 hottest women on earth all at the same time.

    It’s sad on multiple levels, but I’d be a bit surprised if Tim Tebow really weren’t another run-of-the-mill armored closet gay guy.

    Between his mannerisms, the videos of him planting big wet kisses on other guys’ lips, and the familiar style of nervous, awkward “I’m saving myself for marriage,” response that he gives when asked about whether he’s seeing anyone, it seemed pretty obvious in hindsight after another gay friend pointed it out (I don’t watch football, and only heard about him because of the fawning adoration that he got from right-wing Christians).

    As for him coming out, well, I don’t expect that to happen any time soon. The people who adore him now and who he identifies with would immediately turn on him. Sure, a small but increasing proportion of them would be fine with it, and a larger subset would profess their sadness along with their willingness to accept him back into the fold if he repented and so on, but he’d lose his saintly image that he’s acquired, and there would be no going back. The only way I see it happening is after his career’s over and he’s out of the limelight, or after someone outs him publicly.

    In the meantime, there are at least a couple of football players who’ve publicly and strongly supported gay rights, even if they’re apparently straight (viz Brendon Ayanbadejo, and Chris Kluwe). I have no idea how they compare to other players and don’t really care, I mostly admire them for standing up for what’s right, especially while being part of such a hyper-macho sport culture that has traditionally been pretty steeped in homophobia..

  13. says

    @3:

    Well, if they do it right, the pigs will be “Porky” pink and then all they’ll have to do is brand them with a triangular branding iron to make sure everybody knows what they are. Then we have us a big ol’ barbykew! I imagine that teh GAY would be cooked out at about 170 degrees but slowsmokin’ is off the table–oh, drat, what did I just say!?

  14. cjcolucci says

    If this happens, we’ll get lots of unfortunate jokes about tight ends, backfield penetration, and the QB/center relationship.

  15. says

    This is all amusing, until you remember the cardinal who came forward to announce a strange phone call he got from the French president. Seems the French president had received a phone call from another president who said that Iraq needed to be invaded to thwart “Mog and Magog” in the Middle East. Then you realize that questions of life and death, war and peace are being decided by one man’s interpretation of a book a crappy book of mythology.
    Kinda makes me wonder whether — if Bush had been president during the Cuban Missile Crisis — the dominant life form on earth today would be cockroaches.

  16. says

    if Bush had been president during the Cuban Missile Crisis — the dominant life form on earth today would be cockroaches.

    Given the likes of Klingenschmitt, it’s a close question whether or not cockroaches are the dominant life form on earth today.

  17. left0ver1under says

    Outsports (a site about and for gay athletes) has talked about this story, but the site has no more information than anyone else. OS has been the first to break several stories of ex-pros coming out, so it would likely be one of the first to know.

    http://www.outsports.com/

    The story on the UCLA Bruins and coach Jim Mora makes for interesting reading. They say they’d openly welcome an openly gay player.

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