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Apr 12 2013

Dumbass Quote of the Day

Our old friend Gordon Klingenschmitt says a lot of egregiously stupid things, but with his fellow wingnuts apparently in a competition to see who can say the dumbest and craziest pronouncements, he’s upping his game. Appearing on the David Pakman show, Klingenschmitt said:

“You only have 15 percent of the middle who are hypocrites, who think, Jesus is cool, but I don’t agree with how he defined marriage,” Klingenschmitt said. “When Jesus talks about one flesh, he’s really being a scientist, he’s being a biologist. Because he realizes and he’s articulating simple biology, that when a sperm and an egg form together, they match in a zygote and a new DNA is formed and it becomes one new human flesh.”

“[W]e’re not reading our biology textbooks,” the former chaplain added.

“Which were written by Jesus, as you say,” Pakman pointed out. “Jesus was a biologist.”

“Well, he defined marriage between one man and one women, becoming one zygote, becoming one flesh,” Klingenschmitt insisted. “And that’s the only way in the next 100 years that humans are going to be able to procreate. If you get two men together and they mate, they’re not going to have a baby. If you get three women and a dog together, and they all mate together, they’re not going to have a baby.”

And obviously, if we give gay people equal rights, everyone will then magically become gay, amirite?

31 comments

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  1. 1
    dickspringer

    I am 83 years old. I am not now and never have been gay. I do not expect a magic change now.

  2. 2
    Reginald Selkirk

    Yes, we can’t be redefining marriage. It is between one egg and one sperm. My parents had 10 marriages.

  3. 3
    Raging Bee

    “Well, he defined marriage between one man and one women…”

    Where did Jesus define marriage at all?

  4. 4
    Synfandel

    I guess Watson and Crick got their Nobel prize for plagiarizing Jesus the biologist.

  5. 5
    mvemjsun

    A cell is not flesh. It is not even tissue. It is a cell. So are the trillions of bacteria in a human’s digestive system. If jesus is a Biologist he is a incompetent one.

  6. 6
    Moon Jaguar

    Jesus must have been an average student. He earned an “A” in Biology because he understands all about zygotes and DNA. He clearly failed Psych though: in Matthew 8 he report that mental illness is caused by demonic possession.

    Despite the No Savior Left Behind program we still have a redeemer with a 2.0 average!

  7. 7
    Steve Morrison

    “[W]e’re not reading our biology textbooks,” the former chaplain added.

    They’re not reading their Bibles, either. The “one flesh” phrase is from Genesis 2:24, which not even wingnuts believe was written by Jesus.

  8. 8
    dugglebogey

    Wait, so because my wife and I haven’t had children, and haven’t created a zygote, then our marriage isn’t legitimate according to Jesus the biologist?

    Well then, FUCK JESUS.

  9. 9
    Synfandel

    This just in…

    French Senate passes gay marriage bill

  10. 10
    Randomfactor

    Where did Jesus define marriage at all?

    Well, noplace. He didn’t like divorce, that was clear, which put him at the conservative end of the Pharisees, but he didn’t say anything against the Centurion’s living arrangement.

  11. 11
    busterggi

    I don’t remember Jesus getting married – what happened to leading by example?

  12. 12
    Subtract Hominem, a product of Nauseam

    Synfandael @9

    This just in…

    French Senate passes gay marriage bill

    Uruguay, too.

  13. 13
    =8)-DX

    I’m a bit surprised that none of the arguments along this vein have talked about bisexuals. I mean, there the argument stands (on at least shaky, waterlogged topsoil, not just sand): if all bisexuals marry opposite-sex partners and have children with them.. rather than choosing a same-sex partner, YES. gay marriage might lead to less children being born. But then… for some odd reason (individual choice?), I guess bisexuals aren’t swayed by “the magic of the institution of marriage”, when choosing sexual and life partners. So that argument would actually be strongly biphobic. Why aren’t they making this argument!

    (Unless of course they actually are, but in a much more bi-aknowledging way. They think ALL people (men, sorry) are bisexual…)

  14. 14
    =8)-DX

    @Randomfactor

    He didn’t like divorce, that was clear,

    Yeah, that’s the classical interpretation, but since in those days they didn’t have child support, children were often considered the property of the man and a divorced woman had problems finding a husband (not to mention a job), Jesus’s exhortation about not divorcing a wife that hadn’t committed adultery could be read as not dumping a wife you don’t like (because wow, she didn’t like your treatment of her, she occasionally refused sex!?) on the street.
    And that’s the problem with Jesus. He said lots of shit that can’t be just explained away, but there’s a whole field, notably exegesis, where the ambiguity in his words can be twisted to make him sound much more progressive.
    But then that also ignores the other problem with Jesus. He never said “that’s bullshit, the woman should also be allowed to divorce him if he’s a bastard. Women have agency!”

    I think.

  15. 15
    anubisprime

    @ 9 & 12

    The tide is indeed turning and the bigots are drowning in their own toxic vitriol.
    They are losing their war…battle by battle.
    And the momentum for the pro camp is building.

    The religiously handicapped must wonder where their god is!
    Some might wonder if there is a god at all!
    Some might realize there is not!

    Oh dear how sad…never mind!

  16. 16
    Hayden

    @7

    They’re not reading their Bibles, either. The “one flesh” phrase is from Genesis 2:24, which not even wingnuts believe was written by Jesus.

    You’re listening to the wrong wingnuts. God wrote the Bible. Jesus is God. Jesus wrote the Bible.

    If you want a source on someone actually claiming that, I believe there are several Chick tracts that will do the trick.

  17. 17
    Who Knows?

    When did having babies become such a problem? Did I miss the story about humans facing extinction because suddenly, we cannot have more babies?

  18. 18
    laurentweppe

    This just in…
    French Senate passes gay marriage bill

    And the opponants to gay marriage are now threatening to start a civil war and to spill blood in the streets. The bullies’ heckler’s veto is gone and they’re getting furious.
    Oh, and more than a fourth of people who oppose gay marriage where for it when the President was called Sarkozy: they’re just right-wing douches angry at the notion that a left-wing government is better at bringing progress.

  19. 19
    andrewlephong

    “When Jesus talks about one flesh, he’s really being a scientist, he’s being a biologist. Because he realizes and he’s articulating simple biology, that when a sperm and an egg form together, they match in a zygote and a new DNA is formed and it becomes one new human flesh.”

    I’m pretty sure Jesus wouldn’t actually describe reproductive biology in this way, given that Jesus himself would be the falsifying counterexample.

  20. 20
    Donovan

    When they passed same sex marriage, I was living in NH. I woke the next morning and chased the UPS guy for seven blocks! I wanted to jump his bones. I had to move to WV to get straight again. Now I’m moving back to NH and he’s right. Dogs and lamps are looking so, so sexy. Oh, the slippery slope, so sexy, so slippery.

  21. 21
    abusedbypenguins

    “Three women and a dog”? This clown has a real freak going on between his ears. Where on the the internet did he find such a combination or did he just pull it out of his ass? This is the intellect of religion? Religion is the most successful, longest running ponzi scheme in existence. On dude on top and a whole lot of suckers being reamed by him. The dudes in Rome have played more suckers, who are supposed to be educated, than islam and those people are really stupid.

  22. 22
    cactuswren

    @Who Knows?: I call it argumentam ad but-what-if-everybody. The logic goes something like, “If every single person on the planet engaged in activity X to the exclusion of all other activities, it would have allegedly undesirable effect Y. Therefore any individual’s preference to take part in activity X must be strongly discouraged if not legally banned. This of course applies only to values of X of which I happen to disapprove.”

  23. 23
    dan4

    @15: “…drowning in their own toxic vitriol…religiously handicapped”

    Self-awareness and anubisprime: you two need to meet sometime.

  24. 24
    dingojack

    This coming from Dan! Bwhahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
    Dingo

  25. 25
    skinnercitycyclist

    @cactuswren:

    I believe Captain Yossarian answered that question.

  26. 26
    democommie

    When Gordo says something that ISN’T egregiously stupid, now THAT will be newsworthy.

    “@15: “…drowning in their own toxic vitriol…religiously handicapped”

    Self-awareness and anubisprime: you two need to meet sometime.’

    Not that I expect an answer but, wtf does that assertion even mean?

  27. 27
    lanir

    “Jesus was a biologist.”

    That’s a pretty low bar for entry there. Oh hey. I said “Jesus”. That means I’m a theologist then, right? In that case, leading theologists (me, myself and I in this case) say religion has an overall harmful effect on the world and in some cases, like the one above, can contribute to stunted mental growth and generally being a petty, small-minded person.

  28. 28
    fifthdentist

    This bit from “Slaughterhouse Five” is probably as probably as biologically accurate as Jeebus:
    “The way the Traflamadorians look at not only time and death, but life is amazing. In their logic a human can not have a baby without all seven human sexes being involved. They explained this fact to Billy who thought it was gibberish.
    “They told him that there could be no Earthling babies without male homosexuals. There could be babies without female homosexuals. There couldn’t be babies without women over sixty-five years old. There could be babies without men over sixty-five. There couldn’t be babies without other babies who have lived an hour or less after birth. And so on.”

  29. 29
    poxyhowzes

    There was no female bride mentioned at the wedding in Cana.
    There was at least one bridegroom.
    Jesus did not ‘bless’ the wedding ceremony or the participants.
    At his mother’s request, he ‘blessed’ some crocks full of wash water.
    Only after imbibing the ‘blessed’ wine did folks start “believe” in Jesus.
    That is how his ministry began — at a drunken wedding party.

    Read your bible! [John 2:1....] — pH

  30. 30
    dan4

    @26: It means that it’s vitriolic to call someone “religiously handicapped.”

  31. 31
    democommie

    @30.

    So fucking what? Religious assholes are assholes, if their religion is part of the reason that they’re assholes than they ARE regligiously handicapped. It’s easy enough to stop being religious, millions do it every month. The hard part is being sane in a world full of GODcrazed motherfuckers.

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