Uh Oh. God Is Gonna Punish Starbucks

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has rejected calls for the company to stop supporting marriage equality, and Robert Breaud, an “ex-gay” preacher, is warning that if they don’t change their wicked ways, God is going to smite them. Or maybe rain down sulfur on them. Or something.

“God will not bless your business in the long run if you consistently thumb your nose at Him and support things He calls sinful,” Breaud said. An ex-homosexual who now serves as an evangelist states that he has decided to join the boycott against the coffee king Starbucks following recent remarks made by CEO Howard Schultz regarding the company’s support of homosexual “marriage.”

“It’s an unGodly, Christ-hating position,” he said of Schultz’s comments. Robert Breaud of Wisconsin told Christian News Network that he had been involved in the homosexual lifestyle until his 30′s, but has served Christ now for nearly 20 years.

“I basically got my fill of the emptiness of sin,” he said. “I was never happy, never filled, never satisfied with male-to-male relationships.”

He said that if he could sit down with Schultz, he would urge him to do what is right.

“[I would tell him,] if you want God to bless your business, run it in accordance with His law … with His revealed will in Scripture,” Breaud stated. “You’re promoting sin. You’re helping to destroy young people’s lives. … God will not bless your business in the long run if you consistently thumb your nose at Him and support things He calls sinful.”

I’m sure he’ll be boycotting Red Lobster and Smithfield any day now. And any business that hires single women who aren’t virgins.

27 comments on this post.
  1. D. C. Sessions:

    Well, this is an easy one. I’m waiting for word that Robert Breaud has shorted Starbucks for every penny he has.

    What? No?

  2. dingojack:

    Ed = of course he won’t boycott all business that aren’t bigots -
    after all, man can not live by Breaud alone.

    Thank you. I’ll be here ’till Sunday. Try the lime bitter assholes…

    Dingo

  3. Jasper of Maine:

    I’m pretty sure that the Gay Anti-Supernatural Nullification Field will protect them.

  4. blf:

    [The nutter] said that if he could sit down with Schultz, he would urge him to do what is right.

    Unfortunately, feeding nutters to the sharks is not considered a legal or moral form of pest control, and also makes the sharks ill. Otherwise, I suspect Mr Schultz would be rather happy to “do what is right”.

  5. Captain Mike:

    “I was never happy, never filled, never satisfied with male-to-male relationships.”

    Then you weren’t gay. Or possibly societal and/or religious indoctrination made you hate yourself.

  6. raven:

    Do they really think threatening people with an imaginary friend is going to be taken seriously in the 21st century.

    Starbuck’s Howard Shultz is a rich and powerful individual. What happens if Howard’s imaginary friend can beat up Robert Breaud’s imaginary friend?

  7. Gregory in Seattle:

    “I was never happy, never filled, never satisfied with male-to-male relationships.”

    Most of the gay people I know of, and all that I know personally, were never happy, never filled, never satisfied UNTIL they were in a same-sex relationship. Granted, none of them are self-hating Talibangelicals.

  8. DaveL:

    Robert Breaud of Wisconsin told Christian News Network that he had been involved in the homosexual lifestyle until his 30′s, but has served Christ now for nearly 20 years.
    “I basically got my fill of the emptiness of sin,” he said. “I was never happy, never filled, never satisfied with male-to-male relationships.”

    So why were you “involved in the homosexual lifestyle?” For the prestige and adulation of being gay in the 80s?

  9. Larry:

    So its only now Maximus Sky Fairy has noticed Starbucks is aligned with the forces of darkness. After many years, thousands of stores, billions of cups of coffee sold, and untold millions in profits, now it decides that removing its blessing might be warranted?

    Seems to be a truly competent god would have known all this from the git go and would never have allowed this plague called Starbucks to infest the land. This one seems to be the Mr. Magoo of deities.

  10. aaronbaker:

    Sulfur might make the coffee taste better.

  11. Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant):

    I was never happy, never filled, never satisfied with male-to-female relationships.

    Then I found the right female.

    I married her.

  12. Synfandel:

    What exactly is an “ex-homosexual”? The only way I can think of to become an ex-homosexual is to have a sex change.

  13. Chiroptera:

    Larry, #9: This one seems to be the Mr. Magoo of deities.

    Now I see squint-eyed cartoon deity smiting people (the wrong people, of course — his eyesight is bad!) while muttering to himself with Jim Backus’ voice.

  14. jnorris:

    Someday, in the long run, the Bitter, Wrathful, Christian Bible God will do something unspecified and Starbucks will suffer somehow by not being as successful. Without specifics your not a proper prophet Robert Breaud.

  15. Synfandel:

    If the spook in the sky is going to smite Starbucks it should be for charging obscenely high prices for coffee made from cremated beans.

  16. slc1:

    Re Raven @ #6

    According to Prof. Heddle, Schultz’s imaginary friend and Breaund’s imaginary friend aren’t the same guy.

  17. D. C. Sessions:

    Sulfur might make the coffee taste better.

    Worth a try — I don’t see how it could make it much worse.

  18. erichoug:

    OK, I am going to pick a nit.

    Can we stop using the term “ex-gay” even as both Ed and I have done it here? These people are not ex anything. I know that human sexuality is extremely complex but these people have not been “converted” tto anythingl. In all likelihood they still have varying degrees of same sex attraction, they are just pretending that they don’t.

    Also, the “ex-gay” term carries a certain negative connotation to it as though gay is something one needs to recover from.

  19. baal:

    “And any business that hires single women who aren’t virgins.”

    All of them? I think that’s actually all of the businesses.

  20. Trebuchet:

    Good for Howard, I guess. I still hold a grudge against him after he ruined our local basketball team by making a bad business decision when he bought it, demanding the taxpayers bail him out, then selling it, in a huff, to some clowns who lied on a stack of bibles that they had NO plans to move it to Oklahoma, oh no, not at all. Howard was the only person in the world who actually believed that.

  21. matthewpickard:

    Had Starbucks yesterday. (Venti Ice Mocha extra ice.) I should have raised my glass and said “Here’s to Christ-Hating!”

  22. magistramarla:

    I love Starbucks coffee. Let’s all raise a cup or a glass today to thank Mr. Schultz!

  23. jameshanley:

    If god was real, and just, he’d have punished Starbucks for covering up the mermaid’s nipples.

  24. Marcus Ranum:

    Maybe god is going to make their coffee taste like boiled dog.

    Some of us think this has already happened.

  25. dan4:

    “…if you want God to bless your business…”

    What exactly does it mean for God to “bless” a business, a country (“God, bless America”), etc? Pardon my ignorance, but I don’t speak religion-ese.

  26. shouldbeworking:

    I would support my local Starbucks just because of the corporate stand. If only the coffee was better than at the local independently-owed coffee shop, that is.

  27. Trebuchet:

    I would support my local Starbucks just because of the corporate stand. If only the coffee was better than at the local independently-owed coffee shop, that is.

    Even though it’s twice the price?

    Bigbucks will be crying all the way to the bank with this boycott, since the people most likely to support it drink instant Folgers anyhow, while Starbucks is found in urban, and hence more liberal, environments.

    Disclaimer: My wife had two triple grande lattes from Starbucks just yesterday.

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