Russian Wingnuts Want Alaska Back — Over Gay Marriage

A group of Russian Orthodox wingnuts has filed a lawsuit in that country seeking to invalidate the sale of Alaska to the United States because President Obama now supports gay marriage. Say what? Yep, you read that right. Because there might be former Russians still in Alaska 150 years later and they might not like that.

US President Barack Obama must have known that his support of gay marriage would bring him trouble. But of all possible repercussions, a demand to roll back Alaska’s 1867 sale to the United States was one he was unlikely to have seen coming.

And yet that was the very claim that an ultraconservative religious group made in a Moscow arbitrage court, citing the need to protect fellow Christians from sin.

Obama’s alleged plans to legalize the “so-called same-sex marriage” threaten the freedom of religion of Alaska’s Orthodox Christians, who “would never accept sin for normal behavior,” the nongovernmental group Pchyolki (“Bees”) said.

“We see it as our duty to protect their right to freely practice their religion, which allows no tolerance to sin,” the group said in a statement on their website.

I think we should offer to settle the case and just give them back Sarah Palin and her family.

27 comments on this post.
  1. oranje:

    Oh, great. The “right to freely practice religion” thing by oppressing others is an international movement. Remember, I can’t be free unless you do exactly as I say.

    What privilege?

  2. cswella:

    ““We see it as our duty to protect their right to freely practice their religion, which allows no tolerance to sin,” the group said in a statement on their website.”

    Is there any religious figures besides Barry Lynn who actually understands what “Freedom of Religion” means?

  3. Gregory in Seattle:

    I say, let them have it. Assuming they can come up with current market value, of course.

  4. whheydt:

    Gee… Back in the days of the Soviet Union, the claim was that the Czar had no right to sell the “people’s land” to the US and, therefore, the sale of Alaska to the US was invalid and they wanted it back.

  5. Marcus Ranum:

    They can see it from over there, and the party looks like it”s hopping?

  6. Trebuchet:

    If it would mean getting rid of all of the Alaska-based fake reality shows I’m all for giving it back.

  7. Blondin:

    Well, I don’t think they should give it back but, if they do, I think they should insist that Sarah Palin comes with it.

  8. Marcus Ranum:

    >Is there any religious figures besides Barry Lynn who actually understands what “Freedom of Religion” means?

    Jefferson? Voltaire?

    (Voltaire pretended to be religious pretty hard; can you see him doing a show with Colbert? Poor Colbert!) but he may have believed…

  9. imrryr:

    What if we compromised and gave them South Carolina instead?

  10. Phillip IV:

    Is it really that easy to get such an old contract invalidated? If so, I happen to know of a certain Slavic country, I’m not naming names, which sold its soul to a certain church against false promises of salvation several centuries ago. If we could get that contract thrown out, it would be a huge boon to humanity…

  11. Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant):

    Followed swiftly by a similar claim in the name of the Church of England for the original Colonies, no doubt.

  12. janiceintoronto:

    Religion? When I was growing up, all those pinko ruskies were godless communists.
    Where did all this religion stuff come from?

    Betcha they’re just making it up…

    That’s what I’d do.

    Just so you know.

  13. birgerjohansson:

    Since Russia is an authoritarian pseudo-democracy I anticipate many American authoritarians might view the country favourably (until they had to actually live there). After all, everything in Russia is for sale -police, judges, politicians- so it should come close to Ayn Rand’s ideal (yes, I know some libertarians are not that crazy, I am referring to the foaming mouth squad).

    Let us make a deal where the Russians compensate the USA for Alaskan oil fields by providing a home for all the wing nuts.

  14. tsig:

    If they had to take Texas as well I’d say it’s a deal.

  15. Bronze Dog:

    Given the rising anti-gay bigotry of Russia I keep hearing about, I had considered admonishing American anti-gay bigots to “go back to Russia” based on their apparent admiration of Stalin’s criminalization of homosexuality combined with an attempt at causing cognitive dissonance by the implicit assertion that they have more in common with an authoritarian Communist than a liberal like me.

    Now that idea is looking that much more topical since I can reference a more recent event.

  16. Marcus Ranum:

    Since Russia is an authoritarian pseudo-democracy I anticipate many American authoritarians might view the country favourably

    That’s a set-up, right?
    I mean Bush did look into Putin’s soul and all…

  17. robertbaden:

    Protecting Orthodox Christians was one of the Russian excuses for war with the Ottomans in the later 1800s.

  18. Synfandel:

    …citing the need to protect fellow Christians from sin.

    Do they think that when gay marriage is legally recognized their fellow Christians will spontaneously become gay and get married?

  19. Raging Bee:

    And if Pussy Riot flee from Siberia to Alaska, that will be their pretext to take it back by force.

  20. oranje:

    As some others have pointed out, I’d consider it if they’ll take several other states with Alaska.

  21. Johnny Vector:

    Nota bene: They actually hate us for our freedom!

  22. baal:

    “I think we should offer to settle the case and just give them back Sarah Palin and her family.”

    They could put her up in Provideniya. Then she could see her backyard from her backyard.

  23. Raging Bee:

    So…how long will it take for Sarah Palin to say the Russians were emboldened by her quitting/not-quitting as Alaska’s governor? I mean, she stops looking at Russia from her house, and look what they get up to!

    See, her pretending to have a role in defending Alaskan airspace against Russian incusrion is what kept them at bay so long. Now the evil commie libruls blew teh big secret, and the Russians see us as weak…

  24. Raging Bee:

    They could put her up in Provideniya. Then she could see her backyard from her backyard.

    How about they pur her up in one of those GRU-Spetsnaz camps where spies learn how to be American and talk coherently in English? She might FINALLY learn something about how her country really works. That’d be a win for everyone! (Then she could come back and work for her new Christofascist masters — which she was already doing anyway.)

  25. Will Russia take Alaska back because of gay marriage? • ChristWire:

    [...] now Russian Christians have taken legal action to reclaim Alaska from America on the legal grounds that they don’t like gays. If their [...]

  26. fifthdentist:

    If the Russians get away with this I bet Native Americans will be licking their chops.
    From what I understand, a lot of times whites got the village idiot of a tribe to sign away their land or else got someone with no authority drunk and got his mark to make a land sale a “legal” transaction. (At least legal to the point a judge would agree with them, and if the pesky Indians objected there was always Andrew Jackson to be sent to “reason” with them).
    Natives’ claims should be much more ironclad than the Russians, who were at least paid. That wasn’t always the case with Native Americans.

  27. dingojack:

    Let’s see: 586,412 square miles is 375,303,680 acres. Each acre was sold at about 2 cents in 1867*, which is equivalent to $4.80 in 2011 Dollars. So that’s $1,801,457,664!
    I think they can just about afford that.
    Dingo
    ———
    * Or $7.2 million (1867) Dollars. (Unsurprisingly the US paid by cheque).

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