Borowitz: Republicans Stop Talking to Their Children

Andy Borowitz has his usual hilarious take on the story about Sen. Rob Portman changing his position on marriage equality because of his son coming out of the closet. His fellow Republicans are taking heed and learning a clear lesson from Portman’s experience:

The decision of Sen. Rob Portman (R-Ohio) to support same-sex marriage after learning that his son was gay has inspired hundreds of other Republican lawmakers to stop speaking to their children immediately, G.O.P. leaders confirmed today.

“I have gathered my caucus and told them, if your kids are going to tell you something that’s going to cost you the next election, it’s better to nip that situation in the bud,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio). “Just stop talking to them altogether, for heaven’s sakes.”

Speaker Boehner said he was advising his fellow Republicans who were “hell bent on speaking to their children” to keep things superficial: “You can talk about sports. You can talk about the weather. But anything beyond that, your policy should be, ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell.’”

No, no, no. You’re doing it wrong. You’re only supposed to stop talking to your gay children.

22 comments on this post.
  1. Synfandel:

    If there’s any chance that your brain might be exposed to reality, stick your fingers in your ears and sing, “Lah lah lah lah lah…” nice and loud.

  2. Raging Bee:

    You’re only supposed to stop talking to your gay children.

    That means you have to find out if they’re gay first — and by then, as Portman proved, the damage would already be done.

  3. anubisprime:

    Well teh ghey offspring aside, it might work out favourable to humanity, if kids are only engaged on a superficial level, that kindda precludes indoctrination into the political swamp that republican daddies bask in!

    They thus fail to imprint their warped and shaky ‘feelasoffikal’ world view on to the next generation…

    Could be a win win!

  4. baal:

    “I have gathered my caucus and told them, if your kids are going to tell you something that’s going to cost you the next election, it’s better to nip that situation in the bud,”

    Yep, I’d make a terrible politician. I’d probably stand up, say “fuck you” (polite tones though) and walk out. Mostly, it’s a matter for my family and not politics. The remainder of my objection is that if there is a family issue that’s about to spill over into the public realm (politics), I’d damn well better know what’s available to know. Fielding the media is a lot harder when you don’t know what they are about to spring on you.

  5. TGAP Dad:

    For Portman, this move may actually cement his senate seat. Ohio, traditionally a swing state, is none the less following the national trend showing increasing supporting for marriage equality. Portman, therefore, may pick up more than enough support in his new pro-equality stance to offset the losses from the shrinking (and shrieking) minority who oppose them. The fact is that he knew about his son over two years ago, but only changed his position now, as polling was showing a critical mass supporting marriage equality may have been reached.

  6. Moggie:

    baal, it kind of sounds like you don’t realise that the Borowitz piece is satire.

  7. Wes:

    I wish this story were true rather than satire. If Republicans really did stop talking to their children, then they wouldn’t be raising any new generations of Republicans.

  8. mvemjsun:

    jesus did tell people to hate their family. So it is biblical to not talk to your children.

  9. D. C. Sessions:

    Once again, the Right imitates the Onion.

  10. Marcus Ranum:

    That’s right. Let the internet raise them. Checkmate, wingnuts!

  11. matty1:

    Borowitz: Republicans Stop Talking to Their Children
    Ed: You’re only supposed to stop talking to your gay children.

    Why not compromise on the common denominator Republicans stop talking, that should get widespread support?

  12. iangould:

    “No, no, no. You’re doing it wrong. You’re only supposed to stop talking to your gay children.”

    If only i were that easy.

    Former Australian PM John Howard was dead set against paid maternity leave until his daughters got to him.

  13. Ouabache:

    Completely stole this line from Twitter: Hopefully the Republicans will talk to their children and realize that half of them are females.

  14. lorn:

    Outstanding, and it sounds about right. The right has a reflexive tendency to exclude discordant thoughts. This leads to epistemic closure. Not talking to your kids to avoid discordant thoughts would just be “Another Brick in the Wall”.

  15. d.c.wilson:

    Better be safe than sorry and stop talking to your brothers and sisters, too. Cousins, too. Skip the next high school reunion

    In fact, you should probably not talk to anyone you care about ever again. Live in a hole and just watch Fox 24/7.

  16. Childermass:

    They are already not talking to their children if they think they are with them on this issue. A majority of Republicans and Republican-leaning independents aged 18-49 support same-sex marriage according to the latest poll. I think we can be sure that those under 18 support it at a higher rate.

    I dare say that if the under-30 adults voted as faithfully as senior citizens, SSM would be legal in all 50 states by now.

  17. dingojack:

    Childermass – The poll shows the Republican’s problems on this issue clearly.
    Unlike the Democratic Party that (with voters 18-64 anyway) will gain over three votes for every vote they lose over supporting marriage equality, the Republicans will lose almost two votes for every vote they gain (most notably in the 64+ age group that has the strongest turnout).
    As those that support marriage equality shift out of the Republican party in search of more convivial voting positions, the party will become more and more reactionary, strengthening the trend to become even more reactionary. It’s a death spiral.
    (Just on this issue, on others, well that may be different).
    Dingo

  18. M, Supreme Anarch of the Queer Illuminati:

    dingojack @ 17 –

    Nah, they’ll just insist 30 years from now that they were the ones demanding LGBT equality all along. After all, [insert progressive Christians, Unitarians, etc.] were pro-LGBT, so that must have been the Christian position and the right-wing reactionary Christians can take all the credit…just like every single major moral issue of the past 200 years.

  19. matty1:

    @18 The question is who will be the hate target then? Apart from atheist I mean, that ones never going away.

  20. baal:

    @ Moggie
    I plead temporary mental aberration and otherwise accept your correction. I fell for the fake quote.

  21. kermit.:

    Matty1: @18 The question is who will be the hate target then? Apart from atheist I mean, that ones never going away.
    .
    Atheists, as you said. Cyborgs.Second-coming denialists. Naked surgically-altered furries(1), genetically engineered post-humans, PETA non-human people hosts, human clusters(2), uppity robots, hive minds, and (trans)living dolls. Autonomous drones. Liberals.
    .
    (1) The ones that wear proper clothing over their fur are usually born-agains.
    (2) Just the secular clusters; the others claim to be permanent congregations in service.

  22. greg1466:

    The “Pro-Family” party suggesting it’s members “stop talking to their kids”. Is it just me or is it always Opposite Thursday on Planet Wingutia?

Leave a comment

You must be