Jacobs’ Prayers Saved Barton’s Life

Unconstrained lunatic Cindy Jacobs has already told us that her prayers can stop terrorist acts, hurricanes and an empty spaghetti bowl, but now she’s claiming to have saved David Barton’s life through prayer. She says God told her to pray that Barton’s wheels wouldn’t fall off when he was on a trip, because Satan was trying to destroy him. But she prayed and he lived.

I’m especially amused by the fact that she says God told her to pray for Barton. To him. Because apparently he can’t intervene unless Cindy Jacobs says “Simon says” or something. “Beg me. Go ahead, beg me and I might do it.”

24 comments on this post.
  1. dean:

    I’m especially amused by the fact that she says God told her to pray for Barton. To him. Because apparently he can’t intervene unless Cindy Jacobs says “Simon says” or something.

    It probably has to do with whatever the religious version of FERPA is: intervention isn’t allowed without permission.

  2. Gregory in Seattle:

    And I have a magic charm that keeps tigers away from me, no god necessary.

  3. Phillip IV:

    What a strange world these people inhabit. “Pray to me, or I’ll make the wheels come off on David Barton’s car!” – Cindy Jacobs thinks she has a personal relationship with Jesus, and it apparently mostly consists of him harassing and pestering her for no real reason.

  4. matty1:

    Cindy Jacobs thinks she has a personal relationship with Jesus, and it apparently mostly consists of him harassing and pestering her for no real reason.

    If JC were real he’d have a tonne of restraining orders.

  5. daved:

    The wheels may have stayed on Barton’s car, but I think they came off his brain a while back.

  6. Anthony K:

    Weird. I had a dream in which God came to me to ask me to pray to God to ask Cindy to pray to God to save Barton’s life.

    And when I woke up, the pillow was missing.

  7. rabbitscribe:

    What if God tells you to pray for someone but you can’t be bothered so God whacks the poor bastard? Negligent homicide?

  8. Randomfactor:

    It’s a network restriction. The passphrase has to come from OUTSIDE the firewall.

  9. mvemjsun:

    It would have been hilarious if she prayed in public that his wheels would not fall off and while parked (so he would not die) one or more of his wheels fell off. What would she say? Probably something like “it was god’s plan”

  10. d.c.wilson:

    Maybe God is like a genie and can only intervene of you make a wish.

  11. Hercules Grytpype-Thynne:

    I had a dream where a giant turtle asked me to pray to another giant turtle to pray to another giant turtle to pray to another giant turtle . . . . I never found out what the ultimate goal of the prayer was because I couldn’t stay asleep that long.

  12. d.c.wilson:

    As scams go, you have to admit this is ever better than being a psychic. Psychics have work at perfecting cold reading techniques so they can judge people’s reactions as they narrow down their guesses from the very general to more specific. And they still have to have keep their predictions vague enough so that when an event happens, they retrofit their predictions to fit it.

    All Cindy has to do is take credit for something highly improbable NOT happening after the fact.

  13. iknklast:

    So exactly how do we know the wheels would have come off David Barton’s car if she hadn’t prayed? This seems a bit premature to me. After all, how often do the wheels come off someone’s car? It seems like she might have prevented something with a higher probability of occurring – but if it’s less than 100% probability, it might still be attributable to chance when it didn’t occur.

  14. eric:

    @9:

    What would she say?

    “My prayers saved the other three. Praise Jesus!”

    I am somewhat surprised this works. If you’re a con artist, and some other con artist claims they saved your life to make money, don’t you gotta think they’re horning in on your marks! Taking a bit of your action? Ah well, maybe this is a partnership con job.

  15. anubisprime:

    She is either lying her ass off, or she is destined for a state sectioning at some unspecified time in the future.

    Probably sooner rather then later, her claims and boasts are getting ever more predictable, childish and embarrassing.
    How anyone manages a straight face when she hangs it all out there is a classic study in keeping a job in TV or even blind sycophancy bordering on the absurd.

  16. grumpyoldfart:

    Cindy’s probably in the counting room right now, laughing her head off, and asking her husband, “What sort of bullshit can we throw at the idiots next week?”

  17. Ichthyic:

    Damnit. I was praying for Barton to be eaten by lions.

    Fucking God NEVER listens to me.

    I mean, wouldn’t mine have at least been more interesting than a non-event?

  18. Ichthyic:

    “Beg me. Go ahead, beg me and I might do it.”

    well, we all know what happens if you don’t constantly grovel….

    into the cornfield you go!

  19. Ichthyic:

    next, the amazing Cindy will show us how she can put bricks to sleep...

  20. cactuswren:

    God’s a vampire: he can’t come in unless he’s invited.

  21. blf:

    I was praying for Barton to be eaten by lions. Fucking God NEVER listens to me.

    Teh Great Magic Sky Faeries have been trying. That’s why the wheels were going to fall off Barton’s car — so the lions waiting in ambush could eat him…

  22. 'smee:

    It sounds like God has the same business model as the Mafia….

    “Now I ain’t gonna say there WILL be an accident, but it would be an awful shame if somthin’ was to happen to this fine establishment….”

  23. Thorne:

    I’ve had a bad wheel bearing on a car. Barton would have had to be deaf, as well as deluded, to drive a vehicle in that condition to Florida! Anyone hearing him drive by would have known the bearings were bad.

    What I want to know is, why didn’t CJ just pray for Jebus to fix the fucking wheels? You just can’t get good miracles anymore.

  24. kermit.:

    Bwahahaha! Our evil scheme is working! Satan told me that were Barton to survive, much evil would result. So I suggested that he whisper into the ear of Jacobs to pray to God to intervene, and to save Barton. He was dubious – “Nobody would be so stupid as to believe that circle of idiocy,” he said – but I persuaded him to try it anyway.
    .
    He told Jacobs he was God, so she prayed to God, who can’t keep track of all of his contradictory and irrational messages to prophets anyway, and God saved Barton. Now the GOP will fall and the hippies will prevail!

    Bwahahahahahha!

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