O’Reilly to Write Book About Jesus


Bill O’Reilly has inked a deal with Holt and Co. to write a book called Killing Jesus: A History. Because even though we have dozens of books about Jesus, including many by well-respected historians, what we really need is one written by an ignorant, narcissistic blowhard with a loofah sponge fetish.

In Killing Jesus, O’Reilly “will recount the seismic political and historical events” that made the death of the “beloved and controversial young revolutionary” known as Jesus of Nazareth inevitable.

“Jesus Christ has not walked among us physically for more than 2,000 years, yet his presence today is felt the world over and his spirit is worshipped by more than 2.2 billion people, O’Reilly said in a statement released by Holt. “His teachings, his legacy, his life as a flesh-and-blood man and his death created the world in which we live.”

If it’s loaded with as many errors as his previous books, I won’t be surprised if he says that Jesus was killed by Al Qaeda.

And as always, this is still hilarious.

Comments

  1. robertharvey says

    This from the man who thought it was insulting to call the Pope the “Primate of Rome” or to mention that he wears a tiara.

  2. scienceavenger says

    I see the Freakout video and raise you the one-star amazon reviews of “The O’Reilly Factor for Kids: A Survival Guide for America’s Families”. Be sure to check out the one by Belger 143 on 6/22/2005, it still causes me belly laughs. O’Reilly is the world’s greatest living example of Dunning-Krueger ever.

  3. Phillip IV says

    @doublereed:

    I can’t wait to read what kind of Objectivist ideas he contributes to Jesus.

    All he happens to hold himself, of course. Knowing O’Reilly, it’s a pretty safe bet that that’s the basic idea behind the book: attributing every single one of O’Reilly’s ideas and views to Jesus. Plus pointing out even the vaguest biographical parallel between the two, to support the grand thesis that O’Reilly practically is Jesus.

  4. Randomfactor says

    Wonder how he’s gonna break it to the fundies that it was the Romans, not the Jews, who were the culprits.

  5. says

    I won’t be surprised if he says that Jesus was killed by Al Qaeda.

    C’mon Ed! You should know by now that Bill will put the blame on far left secular progressives.

  6. says

    I will not read this book. But I will just imagine the movie version. Starring Steven Seagel as Jesus. Vin Deisel as Judas. And Arnold “the governator” Schwarzenegger as Pontius Pilate…..

  7. Maurice Smith says

    Mr. Bill o’ Reilly, DON’T GIVE UP, DON’T THINK THAT GOD DOESN’T LOVE YOU OR SEE YOU, KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT OF FAITH AND JESUS WILL HELP YOU THROUGH!!! I MAY HAVE BEEN BANNED FROM THIS BLOG PAGE ALTHOUGH, THIS ONE THING I DO KNOW: What Jesus said you could have, you can have, and what you can do, you can do. Don’t think the criticism is about you, IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!!! IT’S NEVER BEEN AGAINST YOU!!! IT’S ABOUT CHRIST!!! STAY STRONG, GOD KNOWS YOU, AND HE STILL HAS A PURPOSE FOR YOUR LIFE!!! ACKNOWLEDGE THE LORD, AND HE WILL DIRECT YOUR PATH!!! SHOUT UNTO THE LORD WITH A VOICE OF TRIUMPH, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY SATAN, GOD’S GOING TO TAKE YOU DOWN!!! HALELUJAH!!!!!

  8. Sastra says

    Bill, Bill … do us a favor will you please? Will you? Will you do us a kindness? Don’t write the book. Please.

  9. scienceavenger says

    Well Maurice, you got the shouting part right. Sounds like you took one too many Mark Coleman head butts.

  10. baal says

    Maurice, did King Julian give you the day off or something?

    “narcissistic blowhard with a loofah sponge fetish.”
    When O’Reilly wants to get kinky, he breaks out the falafel*.

    *also for shower use, I don’t recommend it.

  11. Pierce R. Butler says

    Jesus Christ has not walked among us physically for more than 2,000 years…

    Even by literalist-believer standards, this fails (O’Reilly, quick: what’s 2013 – 33?)

  12. Moggie says

    Jesus Christ has not walked among us physically for more than 2,000 years

    Those who believe in a historical Jesus generally reckon he died around 33 CE. I must have missed the gospel passages which described the lazy bastard refusing to walk.

  13. Akira MacKenzie says

    You mean falafel fetish. The thought of smearing tahini over his lover’s body get’s Bill-I sooooooooo hard.

  14. Maurice Smith says

    FEAR NOT THOSE WHO CAN KILL THE BODY, BUT RATHER FEAR HIM WHO IS ABLE TO KILL BOTH BODY AND SOUL!!!! FOR IT IS WRITTEN: (MATTHEW 4:4) MAN DOES NOT LIVE BY BREAD ALONE, BUT BY EVERY WORD THAT COMES OUT OF THE MOUTH OF GOD!!!! THE REASON WHY YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THE SCRIPTURES BECAUSE YOU HAVEN’T ACCEPTED THE SON OF GOD INTO YOUR LIFE, AND SO YOUR VISION, YOUR SIGHT, YOUR PRIDE, TRADITIONS, AND THE WORLD’S SECULAR WAY OF THINKING HAS BLOCK YOU FROM KNOWING THE TRUTH ABOUT GOD, GOD TELLS US NOT TO FOLLOW THE WAYS OF THE WORLD, BECAUSE THE WAYS OF THE WORLD IS CORRUPTED!!! GOD TELLS US NOT TO LOVE THE WORLD, FOR IF WE LOVE THE WORLD THAN WE ARE AGAINST THE FATHER. SO if you accepting the message that I’m telling you than you are accepting Jesus, you are also accepting me, although if you are rejecting the message that I’m telling you about, not only are you rejecting me, but you are rejecting Jesus who died for your sins and wants to have a relationship, an intimate relationship with you, and not only are you rejecting HIM!!! BUT YOU ARE ALSO REJECTING THE LORD GOD OF ISRAEL!!! THAT IS WHY JESUS DOES NOT WANT HIS CHILDREN TO BE AFRAID OF SPREADING THE MESSAGE OF THE CROSS, BECAUSE IT’S NOT ABOUT US, ISRAEL IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU THE PROBLEM IS NOT YOU, NO, IT’S NOT. IT’S ABOUT THE GOD THAT YOU SERVES THAT DELIVERS NATIONS AND COUNTRIES INTO YOUR HANDS, AND BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT THIS IS NOT YOUR LAND, BUT GOD’S LAND, AND WHEN NATIONS AND EMPIRES HEAR THIS THEY COME TO TEST THE GOD THAT YOU SERVE, WHO IS ALSO THE LORD OF ALL CREATION, AND SO THE PROBLEM IS NOT WITH YOU, YOU ARE IN THE PROBLEM BECAUSE OF THE ONE WHO WANTS TO DESTROY YOU, SATAN, ALTHOUGH AS IT IS WRITTEN IN THE WORD OF THE LORD: ” ‘I GOD WILL BLESS THOSE THAT BLESS YOU AND I GOD WILL CURSE THOSE THAT CURSE YOU.’ ” (GENESIS 12:3) I HAVE MADE A COVENANT WITH YOU ISRAEL, MY CHOSEN PEOPLE, I WILL GIVE YOU THE LAND OF CAANAN, AS THE PORTION YOU SHALL INHERIT, WHICH SHALL BE FOR A FOREVER, A THOUSAND GENERATIONS, EVERLASTING COVENANT.” (PSALMS 105: 8-11) ISRAEL’S IS NOT THE JEWISH PEOPLE’S LAND, IT’S GOD’S LAND. AND SO IT IS ALSO WRITTEN IN THE WORD OF THE LORD: (MATTHEW 4:7) ” ‘IT IS WRITTEN: DO NOT TEST THE LORD YOUR GOD.’ ” (DEUT 6:16) ” ‘DO NOT TEST THE LORD AS YOU DID AT MASSEH.’ ” FOR THE LORD IS NOT MOCKED, HE IS NOT TEMPTED BY EVIL NOR DOES HE TEMPT. GOD WANTS TO HELP YOU, SATAN WANTS TO SIFT YOU AS WHEAT, JESUS WANTS TO COME INTO YOUR LIFE AND BE YOUR SAVIOR, SATAN WANTS TO DESTROY BY MAKING YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT. THAT IT’S OK TO HAVE SEX WITHOUT BEING MARRIED, ALTHOUGH THAT’S A LIE!!! DON’T BELIEVE IT. WERE BEING TAUGHT THAT THE RUDIMENTS OF THE WORLD ARE TO BE EXPECT IN EACH AND EVERY PERSON, YOUR OPINIONS AND PERSPECTIVES ARE PROBABLY DIFFERENT FROM MINE, ALTHOUGH LET US BOTH GRASP THIS UNDERSTANDING THAT THERE IS ONLY ONE GOD THAT CREATED YOU AND ME AND EVERYONE THAT IS IN IT, AND THAT HE IS COMING BACK, AND SOON. SO WE GOT TO GET OURSELVES TOGETHER AND REACH OUT TO EACH OTHER BECAUSE TIME IS RUNNING OUT, JESUS COULD COME BACK IN THE NEXT SECOND AND WE WOULD NOT BE READY, AND SO WHAT TRULY MATTERS IS THAT WE ACCEPT JESUS INTO OUR LIVES GOD’S SAYING ” ‘ I LOVE YOU, I PICKED FROM THE DAY OF YOUR BIRTH, I’VE CHOSEN YOU FROM MY PURPOSE. IT’S NOT WHETHER YOU LOVE ME OR NOT WHAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW IS THAT I LOVE YOU AND HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU. WHY SHOULD I LIE ABOUT SOMETHING THAT I PROMISED YOU THAT I WOULD DO 10 OR 15 YEARS AGO, AND CHANGE MY MIND, IF YOU ASK ME FOR SOMETHING IN MY NAME YOU SHALL RECEIVE WHAT YOU ASK FOR!!! BE PATIENT!!! HAVE SELF-CONTROL!!! WHAT YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH HOW YOU’VE SUFFERED, IT’S NOT WASTED!!! I STILL HAVE A PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! WILL YOU ACKNOWLEDGE ME?

  15. Sastra says

    Dear Maurice Smith @18:

    The capital letters usually come only at the beginnings of the sentences.

    Also, do consider paragraph breaks. I’m not telling you what to do; I’m just putting the suggestion out there. You may also wish to contemplate how less is usually more and brevity is the soul of wit: edit, edit, edit.

    Signed,

    Your friend

  16. Maurice Smith says

    YOU MOCK ME ALTHOUGH THAT JUST SHOWS ME ALL THE MORE THAT GOD IS REAL, THAT HE’S COMING BACK, THAT HE HAS A PLAN FOR MY LIFE, THAT WHAT HE HAS STARTED, IN DUE TIME HE WILL FINISH, I’M NOT MOVING OUT OF YOUR THOUGHTS, I’M MOVING OUT OF MY THOUGHTS, THE COMMENTS MAY BE HURTFUL, ALTHOUGH I GOT TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE CRITICISM IS NOT ABOUT ME IT’S ABOUT HIM WHO HAS CALLED ME ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE!!! AND WITH EVERY PRAISE I MAKE TO HIM WHO SITS ON HIGH IT’S ANOTHER PHONE CALL TELLING GOD THAT I’M THANKFUL THAT I’M NOT WHERE I USE TO BE!!! I’M GOING UP THE STEPS, I’LL PRAISE HIM ON THE STEPS, I’M YOU WANT ME TO BE, AND WHERE I WANT TO BE WITH YOU, ALTHOUGH LORD I THANK YOU FOR NOT GIVING UP ON ME, AND I THANK YOU THAT I’M NOT WHERE I USE TO BE!!! SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOT TO PRAISE HIM RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR MESS, I MAY GET CUT, I MAY BE BRUISED, I MAY BE LAUGH AT, I MAY BE LIED ON, BUT I GOT TO TELL ABOUT IT. HE HEARD ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, AND IN MY DESPAIR HE SHOWED ME HE CARED, IN MY AFFLICTIONS, I WAS NOT ALONE, IN MY SIN, I COULD BE FORGIVEN! YES, YOU MAY CRITICIZE ME, YOU MAY TELL ME THAT I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!! YOU MAY SAY TO ME, YOU’VE LOST YOUR MIND!!! BUT YOU JUST DON’T KNOW I WAS CONCEIVE OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE, LOST MY EARTHY FATHER WHEN I WAS 4 YEARS OF AGE, YOU JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT THE LORD HAS BEEN TAKEN ME THROUGH, YOU JUST DON’T KNOW, IF YOU KNEW YOU WOULD PRAISE HIM TOO, YOU WOULD DANCE YOUR DANCE OF JOY, YOU WOULD LAUGH YOUR WAY THROUGH YOUR DAYS, YOU MAY GET WEAK, YOU MAY GET TIRED, ALTHOUGH EVEN IF PUSH COMES TO SHOVE, DON’T LET SOMEBODY HURT YOU SO BAD THAT YOU CHOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DON’T KNOW MY STORY!!! DON’T JUDGE ME!!! BECAUSE THIS ONE THING I DO: ” ‘FORGETTING THOSE THINGS WHICH ARE BEHIND ME, AND REACHING FOR THOSE WHICH ARE BEFORE ME, MY LATTER DAYS SHALL BE GREATER THAN MY FORMER, SATAN, YOU WILL NOT DEFEAT ME, BECAUSE I THINK MY SELF STRONG ENOUGH TO FIGHT YOU BACK OFF OF ME!!! I DON’T NEED PRIDE, I GOT JESUS!!!

  17. raven says

    Does anybody know if Maurice Smith is actually having a psychotic breakdown or just trying to be humorous?

  18. says

    That’s a nice wall of text you got there, Maury. DOES IT BLOCK THE HIGHWAY NOISE??!?

    OH NOES!!! YOUR CAPS LOCK HAS INFESTED MY COMPUTER TOO!!!!

  19. Michael Heath says

    Bill O’Reilly:

    Jesus Christ has not walked among us physically for more than 2,000 years, yet his presence today is felt the world over and his spirit is worshipped by more than 2.2 billion people, O’Reilly said in a statement released by Holt. “His teachings, his legacy, his life as a flesh-and-blood man and his death created the world in which we live.

    Ed writes:

    If it’s loaded with as many errors as his previous books, I won’t be surprised if he says that Jesus was killed by Al Qaeda.

    We don’t have to look at Mr. O’Reilly’s past books to predict with confidence his new book will be filled with lies. The statement by O’Reilly that I quote here is compelling evidence.

    Specifically, it’s a lie we can factually assert with certainty that Jesus’ presence is currently felt by anyone. There’s zero evidence of that assertion. It’s also a lie we can claim with the certainty O’Reilly asserts here that Jesus was ever a real person, died and rose as described in the Bible’s conflicting accounts, or that we know Jesus’ teachings and his legacy. The biggest lie of all within all of Christianity is how they frame their faith as factual objective truth, which is a primary method on how they abuse children.

  20. says

    Actually, he’s opened a new line of scholarly inquiry with his investigation of Jesus’s little known miracle of the pitas and falafels.

  21. Michael Heath says

    scienceavenger writes:

    O’Reilly is the world’s greatest living example of Dunning-Krueger ever.

    I’m not sure O’Reilly’s capable enough to be a candidate for the Dunning-Krueger effect. Doesn’t one have to an expert in area to qualify?

  22. gridironmonger says

    My favorite O’Reilly factoid was that the National Park Service refused to stock/sell Killing Lincoln in the gift shop of Ford’s Theater because of the numerous, and egregious, factual errors within.

  23. shouldbeworking says

    Bill wrote a book before? Must a missed it or he didn’t release it in a heathen country like Canada.

    Maurice must have used all the capital letters in his computer.

  24. says

    What IS it with crazy people and capital letters? Do they make their letters big to represent the big noises inside their heads? In 15 or so years of legal practice, I’ve seen a forest’s worth of crazy-person communiqués, and a surfeit of caps is usually a feature.

  25. yoav says

    O’Reilly to Write put his name on a Book About Jesus.
    Having his name on the cover would probably represent O’Reilly’s entire contribution.

  26. says

    [A]n ignorant, narcissistic blowhard with a loofah sponge fetish.

    That, Mr. Brayton, is hard to top. I’ll just add this: there must of course be a worst book in the world. Even though it hasn’t been written yet, this one may be it–a sort of Platonic Form of literary badness. You don’t even to have to read it; once it’s described, you intuit its awfulness.

  27. Owlmirror says

    I’m not sure O’Reilly’s capable enough to be a candidate for the Dunning-Krueger effect. Doesn’t one have to an expert in area to qualify?

    Not at all. The effect is, simply, the effect of unawareness of self-incompetence.

    Someone who is in fact an expert in some area might well think they are competent in areas outside of their area of expertise, which would be an example of the rationalization underlying the effect (one example that comes to mind is the car mechanic who thought he could prove that E=mc^3).

    But it also applies to those who are in general incompetent but grossly overconfident — braggarts; blowhards; bombasts.

  28. Stacy says

    Maurice Smith, it sounds like you have had a very hard life. I wish you all the best.

    I hope you have people in your life who can offer you love and support.

  29. jws1 says

    @ #36: Then stop fighting it, liar. As someone pointed out here a week or so ago, religious believers never take responsibility for their crappy opinions – “it isn’t my judgment that gays are evil, it’s god’s.”

  30. thumper1990 says

    I love that video, cracks me up every time :)

    Er, this Maurice guy, is he for real, or…? I genuinely can’t tell any more.

  31. =8)-DX says

    I, although not personally involved, wish to stand up and speak for the loofah sponge fetishists (LSFs) worldwide. Bill O’ is an ignorant, uneducated fool, but his LSF is nothing to disparage him by and I find it insulting to all the good, kind, educated LSFs out there.

    Also, narcisism is a way of life and many active and practicing narcisists are at the same time aware of the needs and feelings of others, and can live a happy and productive life.

  32. yoav says

    The battle is not mine’s, it’s the Lord’s.

    Than I’m sure that, being omnipotent and shit, he can figure out how to get on the intertubes and comment on his own.

  33. raven says

    The battle is not mine’s, it’s the Lord’s.

    Than I’m sure that, being omnipotent and shit, he can figure out how to get on the intertubes and comment on his own.

    Being omniscient, the lord should know where the Caps Lock key is. And what a paragraph is.

  34. says

    Wow, I’d forgotten about the Ormulum (or Orrmulum). That may well be the ne plus ultra for bad verse in English. Though who knows? O’Reilly may attempt poetry next.

  35. Ichthyic says

    What IS it with crazy people and capital letters?

    It makes perfect sense if you make the reasonable conclusion that they really are yelling at their computers as they type their missives.

  36. Ichthyic says


    …most of the time he sounds like a deranged Carmelite nun trying to relate to teenagers on their own level

    heh.

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