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Feb 15 2013

What, Chuck Norris Was Busy?

From the annals of “what the hell is wrong with this country,” fascist Maricopa County, Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio is bringing in Steven Seagal — yes, that Steven Seagall — to train his “volunteer posse” in how to handle a school shooting incident. Jesus, I wish I was making this up.

Steven Seagal, 60, star of “Above the Law” and “Under Siege,” will lead members of the Arizona sheriff’s volunteer posse through a simulated school shooting today.

The volunteer posse, which is nearly 3,500-strong, has been used to patrol shopping malls during the holiday season and scope out undocumented immigrants, and now Arpaio plans to have them patrol areas surrounding schools in Arizona’s most populous county, Maricopa, which includes Phoenix.

“Volunteers will learn operating procedures on how to handle one, two and three shooter scenarios as well as room entry tactics and hand to hand combat,” the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office said in a news release.

As Jamie Kilstein said on Twitter, “I hope Steven Seagal isn’t going to teach Arizona cops how to run as well.” But I hope he does. Because there is nothing on earth funnier than Steven Seagall running. Absolutely nothing.

36 comments

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  1. 1
    Blondin

    Actually, even Steven Seagal walking is pretty funny. Will Sasso, of Mad TV, did a pretty good impression of his waddle.

  2. 2
    shouldbeworking

    I gotta get out more. I goggled Seagal’s movies and I haven’t seen any of them. I had no idea he was so talented.

  3. 3
    Bronze Dog

    I remember a MAD TV skit involving a fat Segal that I didn’t get at the time. I was thinking of Segal’s earlier movies so it really struck me as odd. Then I watched some internet reviews of his bad movies and wow, he really let himself go. He also often had skinnier doubles stand in for non-action scenes. I don’t want to do weight-shaming, but if Segal wants to play physically fit Marty Stus, he should get to a gym so he can look the part.

  4. 4
    holytape

    Well, I as a taxpayer and as a concerned citizen I applaud Sheriff Joe Arpaio choice. First of all, Seagal is cheaper. Secondly, if by chance a serious accident happens, I know the quality of the columns at WND.com will not suffer. Finally, it’s easy to put a Seagal in every school. Just cut open a beat-up football and stretch it over a watermelon. Poof, instant Seagal. No one can tell the difference.

  5. 5
    Gregory in Seattle

    Let us assume that this “posse” actually has a legitimate law enforcement role rather than just being a bunch of racist a-holes enforcing the state’s “existing while brown” laws. Why not have the training done by the police? By the FBI, INS or some other actual law enforcement agency? Why pull in a has-been actor with a reality TV show and a record of sexual harassment?

    Probably because the “posse” serves no legitimate purpose, and Arpaio could not find anyone else willing to train a bunch of racist vigilantes.

  6. 6
    hexidecima

    yep, these are the idiots who want to pretend they are a “well-regulated militia” so they can have their replacement penises. Sigh, what fucking idiots my fellow Americans can be.

  7. 7
    ashleybell

    I mean really… At what point does it become clear that federal intervention is not only necessary, but constitutionally required… This county is SO fucked. Why is Arpaio NOT in jail.

  8. 8
    loren

    There’s also the priceless quote from Seagal, in his attempt to defend his credentials:

    “I’ve put hundreds of thousands if not millions of hours into my weapons training,”

    As many have pointed out, a million hours is 114 years.

    100,000 hours is just over 11 years, but that assumes no sleeping or movie-making; a more practical comparison is that it’s equivalent to 50 years of 40-hour workweeks.

  9. 9
    The Lorax

    Hey, Stephen Seagal is a very talented and accomplished martial artist. So, having him train a bunch of people in combat is not, in any sense, a bad idea. Furthermore, if he’s teaching them Aikido techniques, maybe they’ll learn a bit about compassion.

  10. 10
    Didaktylos

    Why is Arpaio NOT in jail

    Because this would be cruel and unusual punishment for the other inmates and/or would violate health safety regulations vis-a-vis the prison staff?

  11. 11
    Raging Bee

    This article totally failed to mention that: a) Arpaio had previously brought child-sex-offenders and domestic abusers into his “volunteer posse;” and b) no school had actually requested “protection” from said volunteer force.

    Steven Seagall may be the best of this bunch.

    So once again, America’s mainstream “news” media go gaga over the celebrity angle, and ignore the deeper, more appalling aspects of what’s going on.

  12. 12
    daved

    Furthermore, if he’s teaching them Aikido techniques, maybe they’ll learn a bit about compassion.

    If Seagal (man, you guys are using a lot of different spellings for that name) had any compassion, he’d never have inflicted that ghastly “On Deadly Ground” movie on the public.

  13. 13
    Raging Bee

    Gregory @5: that’s another thing the ABC article failed to mention. If you’re wondering why people like Arpaio get away with so much, this may be part of the reason.

  14. 14
    ashleybell

    Right. So can we hope that some of these parents of these schools bring legal action against arpaio et al? I mean child-sex-offenders??!! toting guns around CHILDREN? I really really want to see the media push this one. As much as the MSM suck….this has them written all over it… An easy target… Low hanging fruit for the institution that can’t be bothered to sit up in the hammock long enough to pick that juicy peach.

  15. 15
    theschwa

    Is he teaching them whisper all their sentences, too? If so, that is bad-ass BTW. Did he bring his boxes of ponytails to issue one to each posse member?

  16. 16
    Raging Bee

    Yes — but no ponies were harmed in the process.

  17. 17
    Michael Heath

    Maybe Arapio, Seagal, Norris, and Palin all have the same agent.

  18. 18
    Doug Little

    Ponytails Bwa Ha HA ha Ha ha.

  19. 19
    ArtK

    @ Gregory #5

    Like a lot of stuff in the conservative sphere, Sheriff Joe and Seagal have confused fantasy with reality. Stories are much more satisfying than reality. That’s why they tell themselves that Objectivism is right– because there’s a great hero who does “noble” things. It’s why they tell themselves that trickle-down economics work, or that the poor are all welfare cheats. Reality is messy and uncomfortable and uncertain, so believing in fantasies helps them get through the day.

    Sheriff Joe didn’t hire Steven Seagal, has-been actor. He hired Casey Ryback, all-out badass. Unfortunately, neither of them realizes that Ryback is a figment of a writer’s imagination. Seagal (like Norris) identifies too strongly with his own characters. I’m sure if John Wayne were still alive, Sheriff Joe would have hired Rooster Cogburn or John Chisum.

  20. 20
    dingojack

    For your amusement and edifcation (Apols for the ad. You can skip all but the first 5 secs)
    Dingo

  21. 21
    glodson

    As Raging Bee said, the guy also allowed a child-sex offender to be a part of this posse.

    And a man accused of domestic abuse as well. As the article says:

    But the thing is, no schools have actually requested this service from Sheriff Joe, and it’s easy to understand why.

    One with a charge of a violent crime, and another with a conviction stemming form sexual acts with underage girls. Let’s arm them and put them in front of schools!

  22. 22
    Doug Little

    I’m sure if John Wayne were still alive, Sheriff Joe would have hired Rooster Cogburn or John Chisum

    He could have hired the pale rider to train the civilians in kick ass use of a pickaxe handle. Nah scratch that, he was probably too busy conversing with an empty chair.

  23. 23
    Gretchen

    Not the first time these two have paired up. Remember this?

    Arizona Sheriff Arpaio and Steven Seagal send in the tanks to bust up chickens

  24. 24
    reverendrodney

    Can’t get this image out of my mind: Steven Seagall in full body Kevlar with helmet and one each of everything for sale in the American Patriot Militia Firearms & Hardware store.

  25. 25
    busterggi

    Following in the grand tradition of J. Edgar Hoover who made Elvis an honorary FBI agent to assist in controlling illegal drugs – until Elvis died from them of course.

  26. 26
    gridironmonger

    Raging Bee @11 nailed it — this “posse” includes child-sex-offenders and domestic abusers, who are carrying loaded guns and are unwanted by school officials. Stop and think about that for a moment.

    What would you think/do if you heard that an armed child molester was hanging around your child’s school?

  27. 27
    marcus

    Fuck you Doug. :) (I hardly ever wear it pulled back.)

  28. 28
    tassilo

    Steven Seagal really does know his martial arts, so he may have valuable pointers on how to handle criminals without getting hurt yourself. If I recall correctly, he also had himself declared the reincarnation of a Tibetan Lama, perhaps he’ll use his spiritual insights into conveying tranquility and peace to Arpaio and his deputies.

  29. 29
    baal

    Fat jokes? really people.

    I don’t understand why Arapio isn’t in jail for his uneven enforcement of law or why he’s still employed as a cop.

    Seagal has shown poor decision making for a long time now and this particular event reinforces that idea.

    As to Aikido, I practiced it for the better part of a decade. Seagal’s branch is somewhat deeply buried in woo. They were on the whole very happy to get a ‘big movie star’. Other branches specifically avoid woo and both (all?) branches don’t train firearms.

    Aikido is mostly joint locks, joint breaking, throws, and sword / staff techniques. It also include a focus on disarming (Okinawan influence, they were oppressed historically and their attackers had weapons). Given the inherent riskiness in such training (and cultural transmission memes), aikido spends huge amounts of effort on working together and in suppressing aggressive forms of disagreement*. Aikido in the US carries certain cultural traditions as well though none I ever found offense with**.

    Also of all the martial arts I’ve done (judo, karate, tae kwon do, fencing, tai chi (yes tai chi, masters there are just as capable as anyone else I’ve met at actual fighting***)) Aikido was the most egalitarian and with the highest % and ranked woman leaders.

    *Knowing the teacher can break three of your joints and have you pinned immobile in about 2 seconds does have an impact on keeping jerks in line. So did consistent getting along messaging (and never threats).
    **mostly a subset of samurai bushido, it was there but mild.
    ***if all you want is to win real fights with people who want to hurt you, take up Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (close hand to hand / advanced wrestling), flying side kicks are pretty but nearly impossible to pull off in limited space; if you want to make dead bodies, get a gun. That said, trained folks of almost any type will beat untrained folks if only because trained folks will hit with full intent and have experienced the shock response that comes from taking damage.

  30. 30
    Doug Little

    Fuck you Doug. :) (I hardly ever wear it pulled back.)

    Te He He He, runs away giggling like a little school girl.

  31. 31
    democommie

    I watch Netflix and there’s a bunch of Stevie’s movies there. When I get bored and want to spend a few minutes watching mindless violence I can always speedwatch one of his films. It seems that in every movie I’ve ever seen him in he does at least one truly psychotic and sadistic killing. If I didn’t know that he was a highly tainted actor I might think that he IS a psychotic sadist.

  32. 32
    iangould

    You know I started to write a sort-of, qualified defense of Seagal as a guy with a failing career who was desperate for money.

    Then I found out he makes and markets homeopathic “medicines”, so fuck him.

  33. 33
    Ichthyic

    Just cut open a beat-up football and stretch it over a watermelon. Poof, instant Seagal. No one can tell the difference.

    LOL

    perfect.

  34. 34
    Ichthyic

    best movie ever…

    Crouching Cops, Hidden Badges…

    Must be Segal plans to train the volunteers how to fly.

  35. 35
    Crudely Wrott

    Well, I don’t know if it’s such a bad idea.

    As long as Steve has a really good special effects crew, stunt doubles and is allowed rehearsals and multiple takes.

    Would such helps also apply to the perps?

  36. 36
    democommie

    “Would such helps also apply to the perps?”

    Nah, they’ll just whack ‘em and get new ones.

    That fact could be used in marketing:

    “A number of suspected criminals were killed and maimed in the production of this video. Kids, please try this at home.”

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