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Feb 14 2013

Kimberly Daniels Prays for Obama

You may remember Kimberly Daniels. She’s a member of the Jacksonville, Florida city council and a self-proclaimed apostle and “demon buster.” She has a column in Charisma Magazine with an unintentionally hilarious prayer she offers for President Obama.

Father, we ask You to reveal Your Son, Jesus, to our president as the only way to God. We ask You to cause him to have a Saul-to-Paul experience. Release the pricks and goads upon his heart at an accelerated pace so that his heart will turn to the righteousness of Jesus Christ. Deliver him and let him experience a genuine new birth in his spirit. God, deal with our president about the innocent bloodshed of the unborn and the sanctity of marriage.

Open doors for true prophets to speak to Obama in the White House. We bind the ministry of psychics, the teaching of black liberation theology, and every New Age and secular humanist doctrine away from the White House…

Anoint the Secret Service agents with a double portion throughout the rest of President Obama’s tenure. We bind the spirit of the double agent. We come against the Judas spirit in the Secret Service, CIA, NSA and FBI in the name of Jesus.

Lord, we come against every stronghold that keeps the president from the truth. We break every soul tie and vow that has been established between him and Harvard, secret societies and the Illuminati.

We declare that even the cabinet that is around him will bow to Jesus. We plead the blood of Jesus over Obama’s head so that the pressure of the office will not keep him up all night. Every tormenting spirit sent by a witch or warlock is bound in Jesus’ name.

Lord, expose the work of every witch, sorcerer, spiritualist or person from the dark side operating through his cabinet members or through anyone else closely associated with him. We block the power of the influence of the Yorùbá religion and all other groups of black people who worship their ancestors, in Jesus’ name. We put barriers around the United States that will bind and block the witchcraft coming from Kenya to influence our president in Jesus’ name. Let the power of every dedication of his past be broken, in Jesus’ name…

We drown every spirit traveling from overseas to wreak havoc. We bind the spirit of havoc and chaos from birthing martial law in the land. We bind spirits that would cause us to lose our constitutional and civil liberties. We declare that the gospel and those who preach it shall have free course in the earth.

We break all agreements between Barack Obama and the nations of the Middle East that would cause America to turn its back on Israel.

Christine O’Donnell, call your office. My goodness, that’s a lot of binding. This is like Fifty Shades of Gray for wingnuts.

26 comments

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  1. 1
    Randomfactor

    cause him to have a Saul-to-Paul experience.

    What, change his name as a sop to a major donor? I think that might cause him even MORE trouble.

  2. 2
    some bastard on the net

    We block the power of the influence of the Yorùbá religion and all other groups of black people who worship their ancestors, in Jesus’ name.

    I shouldn’t read these while eating sunflower seeds.

    Ed, are you trying to kill me?

  3. 3
    DaveL

    We break every soul tie and vow that has been established between him and Harvard, secret societies and the Illuminati.

    These people consider Harvard University to be on par with “secret societies” and the Illuminati. <shudders>

  4. 4
    d.c.wilson

    “We bind the ministry of psychics,”

    But Nancy Reagan took her astrologer out of the White House decades ago.

  5. 5
    slc1

    Re DaveL @ #3

    I think that Ms. Daniels is confusing Harvard with Yale. Yale is the university with Skull and Bones, certainly a secret society on a par with the Illuminati, the Bilderbergers, the Council on Foreign Relations, the Trilateral Commission, and the Masons.

  6. 6
    jnorris

    Did she know that Ronald Reagan’s wife practiced biblically defined witchcraft? Did she break the bounds between Yale’s secret society and the two presidents Bush? And what’s with the voodoo stuff, does Black Man automatically equal VooDoo to her?

  7. 7
    Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden

    Release the pricks … upon his heart

    Too late.

  8. 8
    busterggi

    So much for their ‘free will’ argument for theodicy.

  9. 9
    Larry

    Holy jebus, stick a bone through his nose and have him dancing around a big pot filled with missionaries. Could a prayer be any more offensive?

  10. 10
    dugglebogey

    “City Council” plus “Florida” always equals entertainingly crazy.

    WTF would these nutballs go goofy over if it weren’t for abortion and teh ghey? Would they go back to gambling and whiskey?

  11. 11
    Quodlibet

    We ask You to cause him to have a Saul-to-Paul experience

    And here I was still believing that they think gay sex is icky.

  12. 12
    Dave Maier

    Father, we ask You to reveal Your Son, Jesus, to our president

    Jesus – you remember him, right? Your Son? Yeah, that guy.

  13. 13
    Dave Maier

    Also, Yoruba? That’s Nigeria, not Kenya. Sheesh.

  14. 14
    coragyps

    Nigeria, Kenya…….they’re all overpigmented over there anyway….

    That is 100% ironclad proof of the universiality of some variant of Poe’s Law. Nobody can write satire that is further over the top that that is.

  15. 15
    Modusoperandi

    We break every soul tie…

    Do they know nothing about Constitutionally-defined system on how the US government functions? The VP breaks soul ties.

  16. 16
    tbp1

    Nothing racist here, no siree.

  17. 17
    Martha

    This is like Fifty Shades of Gray for wingnuts.

    What a great line!

  18. 18
    martinc

    we come against every stronghold

    A friend of mine had a little dog that used to do that. It was very annoying.

  19. 19
    Michael Brew

    She does not know the true power or the dark side. *wheeze*

  20. 20
    bad Jim

    I’m reminded of the scene in The Fearless Vampire Killers in which an old woman holds up a crucifix to ward off the vampire who has just come through her window. He replies, “Oy, have you got the wrong vampire!”

  21. 21
    lanir

    We bind spirits that would cause us to lose our constitutional and civil liberties.

    Well that’s a bummer. She’s not any good at this or that would have been the end of her speech. Here I was wondering if we were going to get a show of frog rains and magic virgin pregnancies and other half-baked bible sorceries.

  22. 22
    dingojack

    Kimmy – look at moi, look at moi!
    You’re praying to the wrong person Kimmy. You need to pray to the really powerful one:

    “And I will give unto thee [the pope] the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven”.

    The pope is christianity’s real god, praise him*.

    Dingo
    ——–
    * not the outgoing one, but the incoming one. (Natch, wouldn’t want to bet on a scratched horse).

    PS:I wonder if Catholic birfers will demand to see the contenders long (or vault) birth certificates? Or at least those of two of the front-runners, anyway.

  23. 23
    andrew

    i think this prayer would have worked better with some bat guano and a pinch of sulfur, tbh. This is spellcasting, plain and simple.

  24. 24
    democommie

    That people like Kimmy get elected is unfortunate but what’s really unfortunate is that they get RE-ELECTED.

    Is Charisma trying to outnut the WND? I think it might be time for Ed to have a new Print/Electronic media award, maybe the “Chickie*”?

    * For Jack Chick, fundie KKKristianity’s R.Crumb.

  25. 25
    fifthdentist

    If crazy could be harnessed as an energy source, this dingbat could power the entire country.
    Wow, I thought I was raised fundie enough. I can only imagine what having her as a mother would do to one’s psyche.

  26. 26
    kermit.

    We bind [...] every [...] secular humanist doctrine away from the White House…

    Well, we already knew that they hated democracy, science, the humanities, fine art, diversity, and joy.

    We come against the Judas spirit in the Secret Service, CIA, NSA and FBI in the name of Jesus.

    You will never break the hold that reality has on their cold, liberal hearts. The NSA does love them some numbers, and despite your God’s efforts to win them over to the unsupported beliefs you favor, the FBI will continue to look for actual forensic evidence.

    Sigh. I’ve read science fiction for half a century, but I never thought I could see the day when our spy and federal cop agencies would be called liberal enemies of the state.

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