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Amusing Marketing Email of the Day

I get a lot of email from PR flacks, including a lot that think I’d be interested in things like Christian inspirational books. But this marketing pitch, from the right-wing site Newsmax, made me laugh out loud at the obvious lie in the very first sentence.

My name is Kevin Mallon, I work with Newsmax Media in Boca Raton, FL and I am a huge fan of your site. I am interested in putting a Newsmax newsfeed on your site for pay ( this would not be an advertisement, this would be additional content on your site. WE PAY YOU) I feel your site is a wonderful fit for us, and Newsmax would make a valuable partner to you and your staff. The newsfeed is an efficient way to offer additional content to your readers while generating revenues with minimal effort. We specifically customize the look, size and content of the news feed to your liking. Please let me know a time when we can further discuss this opportunity. Your site is loaded with important information, I feel we can only help. Keep up the good work.

In addition to this, we specialize in monetizing email lists for a select few partners. If you are interested in earning passive revenue from your email list, we have 2000+ advertisers in our umbrella.

I look forward to your feedback.

Best,

KMM

My reply:

Hi Kevin! I’m so happy to hear that you’re a huge fan of Freethought Blogs. After looking through some of my blog posts over the last year, it’s easy to see why you would enjoy the site so much that you decided to offer me a special deal to help advertise your site to my readers. I imagine that some of the following posts on my blog are among the things that convinced you that my site was so “loaded with important information” that you designed this very special arrangement just for me.

I’m sure you especially loved it when I slammed Newsmax for publishing a highly dishonest op-ed piece on the fiscal cliff deal. And you must have been positively giddy when I criticized the site you work for over exactly the thing you are pitching to me in this email, the selling of your mailing list to shady advertisers peddling bogus health cures and get rich quick scams. And you were surely beside yourself with joy when I mentioned that your employer was sending out an email from Stansberry and Associates — no doubt one of your “select few partners” — telling your readers that Obama is hatching a secret plan to make the economy grow at such an astonishing rate that we’ll repeal the 22nd Amendment and elect him to a third term in 2016.

A bit of marketing genius, that last one. But clearly you know a thing or two about marketing yourself. You have a keen eye, able to identify immediately sites like mine that so perfectly align with the viewpoint of Newsmax and whose audience is undoubtedly aching to hear more about how President Obama is a Nazi communist anti-colonialist Kenyan out to destroy America — the kind of crack reporting your site can uniquely provide.

I very much look forward to hearing more about your brilliant marketing ideas. Keep in touch!

Ed Brayton

Comments

  1. Michael Heath says

    Kevin Mallon writes:

    I am a huge fan of your site [Freethought Blogs]. […] I feel your site is a wonderful fit for us . . .

    The most effective barker* for Newsmax might describe this as, “You can’t explain that!”

    *Bill O’Reilly

  2. StevoR, fallible human being says

    My name is Kevin Mallon, I work with Newsmax Media in Boca Raton, FL and I am a huge fan of your site.

    Well, apparently two outta three ain’t bad ..right?

    Assuming his name & where he works is correct which we’ve not, well, ok, not all that much reason to doubt, have we, yeah? Oooorrr do we?

  3. Rodney Nelson says

    Just because Mallon works for a right-wing group doesn’t mean he himself is a conservative. A guy’s gotta eat and if Newsmax were the only people hiring when Kev was looking for job then what’s a starving liberal supposed to do but swallow his pride (and self-respect and decency) to grub out a living in the cruel, harsh world. It’s a dog eat Kevin existence out there.

  4. Sastra says

    I like to imagine that your brief email correspondence is being sent around from cubicle to cubicle in the marketing drone underground.

  5. drizzt says

    Are those guys like the MRA that curl down in their basement whenever a man talks to them? In that case you win Ed. They won’t come out again… there’s something out there 12h out of 24h, it’s called light :)

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