Florida Satanists Stamp Feet, Demand Attention

A group of dumbasses in Florida calling themselves the Satanic Temple are trying very hard to get attention from the media by holding a rally to support a new law allowing students to lead prayers and “inspirational messages” at school events.

Satanists from all over Florida are scheduled to gather on the steps of the Governor’s Office at the intersection of S. Monroe and Apalachee Pkwy 1:00pm Friday January 25, 2013 in a show of solidarity for governor Rick Scott who has shown unwavering fortitude and progressive resolve in his defense of religious liberty, particularly in his recent approval of Senate Bill 98 [SB 98] authorizing “a district school board to adopt a policy that allows an inspirational message to be delivered by students at a student assembly; providing policy requirements; providing purpose, etc.”

Neil Bricke of the Satanic Temple will deliver a speech to the assembled crowd.

“The Satanic Temple embraces the free expression of religion, and Satanists are happy to show their support of Rick Scott who — particularly with SB 98 — has reaffirmed our American freedom to practice our faith openly, allowing our Satanic children the freedom to pray in school.”

In my experience, most people who call themselves Satanists are just atheists whose parents weren’t sufficiently outraged when they told them that they’re atheist. But these dolts actually seem to believe in a real Satan:

The Satanic Temple believes that God is supernatural and thus outside of the sphere of the physical. God’s perfection means that he cannot interact with the imperfect corporeal realm. Because God cannot intervene in the material world, He created Satan to preside over the universe as His proxy. Satan has the compassion and wisdom of an angel. Although Satan is subordinate to God, he is mankind’s only conduit to the dominion beyond the physical. In addition, only Satan can hear our prayers and only Satan can respond. While God is beyond human comprehension, Satan desires to be known and knowable. Only in this way can there be justice and can life have meaning.

Same stupid bullshit we hear from Christians, with a little twist. Okay guys, I posted about you. You got a little bit of the attention you crave so much. Now go away.

36 comments on this post.
  1. John Pieret:

    Are you sure this isn’t a bit of clever political theater to scare the Xians away from all their attempts to “put prayer back in the schools”?

  2. Hairy Chris, blah blah blah etc:

    To be honest I find this hilarious. It’s definitely calling Rick Scott on the implication of his bill. Whether they’re serious, trolls, or unbalanced it makes no odds IMO!

  3. eric:

    Sounds gnostic.
    In any event, regardless of their crazy theology, I’d bet their strategy is not much different from these atheists. They are attempting to get the government to reconsider the prayer policy by threatening/advertising that they’ll use it too.

  4. roggg:

    Sounds an awful lot like an FSM play to me. I suspect satire.

  5. raven:

    It’s time.

    authorizing “a district school board to adopt a policy that allows an inspirational message to be delivered by students at a student assembly; providing policy requirements; providing purpose, etc.”

    Legally they can’t discriminate on the basis of religion.

    The Wiccans, Pagans, Flying Spaghetti Monsterists, Moslems, and atheists are all just as eligible as the xians. And, of course, with mostly far better messages.

  6. Stacy:

    I hold no brief for Satanists of any stripe, but I agree with Hairy Chris that these folks are doing secularists a favor (perhaps unintentionally.) Christians always assume it’s their prayers and “inspirational messages” that will be recited if they get their way.

  7. frankb:

    These people really aren’t satanists. If they are sincere then they have simply redefined “satan” to be a good guy and they are typical theists. If they are not sincere then obviously they are not satanists.

  8. erichoug:

    WHAT! Why are you upset about this Ed? This is frickin awesome! I think we should see if the Mormons and the Zoroastrians could come to the same rally on the steps and really turn the fundy nutbags apoplectic.

    Then we could all sit around. munch on the popcorn and watch while they all realized that keeping religion out schools and government is actually a really great idea.

  9. mandyjane:

    I live in Florida, and I have to laugh about some of our more colorful residents… but I doubt these folks will get much attention from the media in the state. Not the kind of coverage they’re probably hoping for. Most mainstream media panders to Christianity, so it would take some serious guts for any of them to point out that if Christians are allowed to make inspirational speeches, then the “Satanists” have to be allowed to as well.

  10. raven:

    Headless animals dumped on Miami street: Santería to blame …
    www. datelinezero. com/…/headless-animals-dumped-on-miami-street-…

    Oct 23, 2010 – Police believe the animals may have been part of a ritual sacrifice linked to the religion Santeria. The religion is practiced throughout Florida …

    A widespread religion in Florida is Santeria, legally recognized as a religion by a Supreme court decision.

    It’s an Afro-xian syncretic blend of African Voodoo and xianity from Cuba. They practice animal sacrifice which has some people edgy.

    There are also at least some Haitian Voodooists.

    I can see that these student assemblies where inspirational messages are delivered by students are going to be interesting. Wonder if they will let the Santerians or Voodooists sacrifice a chicken or something.

  11. Sastra:

    My own personal experience with Satanists (I almost typed “self-proclaimed Satanists” but fortunately recognized the irony in doing that before I did it) is primarily from IRC (yes, I know.) I’ve also read what was on links they sent me to. So my knowledge is not extensive.

    From what I can tell, though, Lavey Satanists are the most common and their beliefs seem to run the gamut. They don’t believe in the supernatural; they do believe in the supernatural; some do and some don’t; they do and don’t — depending on when anyone is watching … or the mood of the time. Apparently Anton Lavey deliberately wrote contradictions into his Satanic Bible and threw in a lot of vague or cryptic passages, so that you get the same fun and games you get with the folks who use the other Bible: lots of people cock-sure that there’s an obvious and clear meaning and the other interpretations are just stupid. The Satanists, however, are more likely to say that clearly.

  12. Raging Bee:

    Yes, this is satire, and it’s clearly intended to call the Christianists out on their “religious freedom to inflict our beliefs on everyone else” bullshit. I’d love to see them get around to the Catholic Church’s challenges to the birth control mandate.

    But no, their stated doctrine is very different from those I’ve heard from “establishment” Satanist groups like the Church of Satan and Temple of Set: which is that a) Satan is generally considered a symbol/personification of individual will and desires, not an ancual supernatural being; and b) being a Satanist does not mean being evil for evil’s sake, it just means not letting your own feelings or interests be sapped and subordinated by psychic vampires.

  13. Gregory in Seattle:

    Satanism is no sillier than any other Christian heresy, and less silly than a lot of them.

  14. Alverant:

    I have to go with Hairy too, they’re showing that all religions have to be treated equally under that law and that non-christians have the same rights as christians to have their prayers heard. If anything is going to shut down that bill, it’s that realization.

    For example in Louisana there was a law passed that gave tax dollars to religious schools. Then an Islamic school asked for money under that law and there was a shitstorm. The bill’s sponsors immediately tried to recind the law saying, “I thought ‘religious’ meant ‘Christian’.” (or something like that I’m going from pure memory here).

    As for whether or not they are “real” Satanists, I must remind you of the “No True Scotsman”. If they say they are Satanists, that’s good enough for me.

  15. Justin Griffith:

    I had to stop a post in the sandbox from distributing “How to detect and defeat satan” chaplain advertisement from the command while I was deployed.

    Seriously look at that thing, it’s ridiculous. It was the one time I argued “what about the satanists!? That’s discrimination.” It turns out there actually was a satanist deployed there, who had received it (and my complaint when I reply-all’ed to their misconfigured distro list.)

  16. Raging Bee:

    I hold no brief for Satanists of any stripe…

    I know what you mean — I wouldn’t want to hold a Satanist’s briefs no matter what the stripes looked like.

  17. Gregory in Seattle:

    @frankb #7 – There are many different theologies among Satanists; the essentially atheist “there is no god higher than the self” Church of Satan is the exception, not the rule.

    As far as recasting him as the good guy, that is actually pretty common. The theology is pretty much standard Gnostic, and holds that God is a demiurge, a creator whose purpose was to trap the spirit people in a universe of imperfect matter and then enslave them to his will by imposing a laundry list of arbitrary rules and punishments. As “The Opposer” (Hebrew: ha-Satan) and “The Light-Bringer” (Greek: Lucifer), Satan works to free the spirits. Part of this process involves deliberately breaking the arbitrary rules and then showing the alleged punishments as irrelevant and pointless.

    Like I said above, no sillier than any other Christian heresy and less silly than a lot of them.

  18. neonsequitur:

    Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia!

  19. busterggi:

    Kindly note that the E.O.D. never does this sort of publicity stunt.

    We’d prefer it to be a surprise when Cthulhu returns.

  20. heddle:

    As for whether or not they are “real” Satanists, I must remind you of the “No True Scotsman”. If they say they are Satanists, that’s good enough for me.

    Which of course would be an improper use of the overused “No True Scotsman” charge. It is not: If someone claims to be X then they must be accepted as X, lest ‘No True Scotsman’.

    Is everyone who claims to be a feminist a feminist?

    I always think of Jason Rosenhouse–one of the few atheists who argues that, in spite of his claims to the contrary Bishop Spong is not a Christian. And that if someone says “I’m a Christian, I believe Elvis is Christ” they are not a Christian, regardless of their sincerity.

  21. The Lorax:

    I don’t know if these folks are Satanists or not, but this reeks of satire. How often have we said, “Well, if you want us to give you equal time for Intelligent Design, then you’ll need to give us equal time for every other creation myth”? Well, they’re repeating the same lines. It’s a classic reducto ad absurdum; they’re taking the decision to its natural (absurd) breaking point.

    And hey, even if they are genuine, let ‘em do it. Encourage ‘em, and do it for real. We all know how it’s going to turn out in the end.

  22. Rip Steakface:

    Even if this isn’t satire, it still plays into the hands of secularists. Undoubtedly the drafters of the bill didn’t consider that not all religion is Christianity and that this would mean that everyone – including Muslims, Jews, Satanists, Zoroastrians, Rastafarians, Pastafarians, whatever – could deliver such an “inspirational message.”

  23. cry4turtles:

    Thanks Ed. We all got a good seat before the show begins!

  24. d.c.wilson:

    Attention whores or satirists, they are making a good point about what happens when you let that Carmel’s nose into the tent.

  25. fifthdentist:

    I’m thinking these Satinists’ children are set for life, financially.
    Can you imagine how popular they’d be — and how much money would be thrown at them — on the fundie gravy train if they made speeches claiming that they had converted to Jeebus?
    Throw in some bullshit story about one day while praying with the group to Lucifer for his assistance in allowing Obama to realize his goal of eliminating Christians, I heard a soft, soothing voice telling me to give up my evil path leading straight to hell and bathe myself in the blood of the lamb.

    Fundies would absolutely eat that shit up!
    All those liars who claim to be former atheists who rebelled against Gawd, but through his grace found their way back to salvation, would be yesterday’s news.

  26. Modusoperandi:

    heddle “I always think of Jason Rosenhouse–one of the few atheists who argues that, in spite of his claims to the contrary Bishop Spong is not a Christian. And that if someone says ‘I’m a Christian, I believe Elvis is Christ’ they are not a Christian, regardless of their sincerity.”
    Oh, please! Elvis is better than Jesus”
    1. Other people nailed Jesus to cross, Elvis sat on that toilet himself.
    2. Jesus was kill by a spear, Elvis was kill by his own [blessed] colon.
    3. Jesus died and left, Elvis died and is still seen regularly.
    4. Jesus’ comeback special is almost two thousand years late, Elvis already had his.
    5. Jesus is only the Prince of Peace, Elvis is the King of Rock and Roll.

  27. Raging Bee:

    Which of course would be an improper use of the overused “No True Scotsman” charge. It is not: If someone claims to be X then they must be accepted as X, lest ‘No True Scotsman’.

    Good point, heddle, but I think the original point was that we should not try to separate “real” from “not-quite-real” Satanists because: a) there’s no single official creed stating what Satanists are supposed to believe; b) known Satanists are all over the map on their specific beliefs; and c) we, the readers of this blog, don’t know enough about Satanists to judge who is or is not “real.”

  28. Katherine Lorraine, Chaton de la Mort:

    Satan is less of a douche than God was.

  29. democommie:

    Why I love the intertoobz, reason gazillionleven.

    All of the talk about varying flavors of satanism made me think of Emo Philips and his joke about the co-religionists at the bridge.

    So, I googled him to see what he’s up to. He’s still doing stand up and is a paraprosdokianist–http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2012-09-20/news/ct-ott-0921-emophilips-20120920-1_1_emo-philips-emo-phillips-zanies.

    The Floridemonists whether they are genuine or not, provide some comic relief.

  30. abb3w:

    Spotted via TotalFark, more info; not sure on the accuracy. Looks like the group are Mockumentary Satanists — even lower scum than the “atheists whose parents weren’t sufficiently outraged” variety of Satanists.

  31. lancifer:

    “All hail…me.”

    Looks to be scam.

  32. lancifer:

    Speaking of (alleged) mockumentaries, did anyone else suffer through I’m Still Here.?

    I can’t decide if I loathe Joaquin Phoenix more if he really is the self-absorbed asshat portrayed in the film or if he just wanted to manipulate people into thinking he was, so he could later claim it was all genius artistic expression.

  33. dan4:

    @12″…it just means not letting your own feelings or interests be sapped and subordinated by psychic vampires.”

    WTF? Raging Bee? More like Raging Incoherence.

  34. John Pieret:

    Alverant @ 14:

    That would be Rep. Valarie Hodges:

    http://m.livingstonparishnews.com/mobile/news/article_6c2da5fe-c1e5-11e1-ae3b-0019bb2963f4.html

    “I actually support funding for teaching the fundamentals of America’s Founding Fathers’ religion, which is Christianity, in public schools or private schools,” the District 64 Representative said Monday.

    “I liked the idea of giving parents the option of sending their children to a public school or a Christian school,” Hodges said.

    Hodges mistakenly assumed that “religious” meant “Christian.” …

    “Unfortunately it will not be limited to the Founders’ religion,” Hodges said. “We need to insure that it does not open the door to fund radical Islam schools. There are a thousand Muslim schools that have sprung up recently. I do not support using public funds for teaching Islam anywhere here in Louisiana.”

  35. Nomad:

    My understanding of Satanism was that, aside from the fantasy version that certain christian sects desperately want to believe in so that they can continue trying to profit off of the Satanic Panic, it was largely a cult of self confidence. A place misfits ended up at. This isn’t meant as an insult, it’s just a rough characterization I’ve seen applied to it several times.

    I admit I’m a little surprised at Ed’s reaction to this story too. Many times he’s commented that if someone wanted to hang an Muslim prayer in a school instead of a Christian one, the Christians would realize the value of separation of church and state instantly. Well this is one better, this is a follower of their chief boogeyman embracing the concept of leading prayers in schools. Sure, Satanists aren’t what fundies believe they are, just as Wiccans aren’t what the fundies think they are, and, well, let’s just say they have a problem with understanding pretty much anyone that isn’t exactly like they are, but for the purposes of this that’s all the better. I honestly hope they go through with this, we’ll see this law wiped from the books in record time if a Satanist manages to read a prayer at a school function. Of course perhaps it’s far likelier that only followers of the permitted Christian sects would be allowed to participate in this, but still that provides an avenue of attack.

  36. drizzt:

    When I read the head of the post I thought «hehe! having fun with “religious” “liberty” laws», that’ll teach them how NOT to ever do such laws again (I know, I’m a dreamer…) … then I read the article… are these guys satanists for real or atheists wanting to have fun ? Reading their site makes me think they’re for real… as nuts as the christians, less dangerous though… most of what they preach is humanist with some mixture of «godditit» to be a church and therefore not pay taxes.

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