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Jan 09 2013

Salafist Imam: Mermaids Real, Are Halal

Fundamentalist Christians often believe some loony things, but so do fundamentalist Muslims. The Salafi Center of Manchester, for example, says that mermaids are real and they are halal, so they can be eaten if you catch one. Yes, I’m serious.

Questioner, “Shaikh, some experts and specialists in sea-life and fish mention that there is a fish that has a head like the head of a woman, and she has hair and a face like a woman, so is it permissible to eat it…and that is what they term as the “mermaid”?

Shaikh al-Fawzaan, “There is the “human of the ocean”, there is something from a type of fish upon the appearance of humans, they call it the “ocean human” [otherwise termed as "mermaid"] and it can be eaten, it is from the items that can be caught and eaten from the sea, yes, even if it was upon the appearance of a man or woman”.

Okey dokey, then.

37 comments

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  1. 1
    Modusoperandi

    Is he mad?! They’ll lure fishermen to their deaths!

  2. 2
    Wes

    The Little Mermaid is being re-released in 3D this year. That must have this guy licking his lips and reaching for the tartar sauce. (It has the rest of us rolling our eyes at yet another 3D re-release cash-grab from Disney.)

  3. 3
    Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)

    Can we get a verdict on dragon meat?

    Halal, non-halal, or delicious?

  4. 4
    stevebowen

    You can buy them in the fish market. Vital statistics are 33″ 24″ and $10/#

  5. 5
    dingojack

    Usually such ‘stories’ are the the fodder of the ‘Sun’ , WND and other paragons of journalistic integrity.
    Until confirmation, I call Poe.
    Dingo

  6. 6
    theschwa

    So I assume we can eat minotaurs as well. Are horses halal? If not, then centaurs are not to be eaten. I assume beholders are 100% not halal!

  7. 7
    eric

    Meh. Could just be one ignoramous trying to discuss manatees with another ignoramous. I have no idea whether the Imam is pulling his advice from actual scripture or his rectal area, but if he’s pulling it from scripture, I’d bet that scripture is trying to describe a manatee.

    Still, having said that, (a) eating manatees is a somewhat offensive idea, (b) if you really believed mermaids were real, suggesting we eat them – another sentient species – would be a highly offensive idea. So this guy fails regardless of whether he’s talking poorly about a real species or accurately about a mythical one.

  8. 8
    raven

    It could be worse.

    At least he didn’t say atheists exist and are halal. Yet.

    Who in the hell would want to eat a mermaid that looks human anyway?

  9. 9
    reasonbe

    I’ll have mine with a side of the-fair-females-with-wide-lovely-eyes. Please.

  10. 10
    Modusoperandi

    It’s not even dolphin-safe.

  11. 11
    coragyps

    There has to be a “tastes like carp” joke in there somewhere, but I’m not going to bring it up……..

  12. 12
    Reginald Selkirk

    “There is the “human of the ocean”

    It tastes just like Chicken of the Sea.

  13. 13
    democommie

    Mermaid Helper?

  14. 14
    lldayo

    Maybe this is the secret ingredient of Crabby Patties?

  15. 15
    kevinalexander

    Not all the fish on ice at the market have their heads still on. I wonder if ……?
    just askin’

  16. 16
    Cuttlefish

    I actually have recipes… http://freethoughtblogs.com/cuttlefish/2009/07/31/eating-mermaid-2/

    But when I wrote that, the news was that there was a fatwa on the topic of eating mermaids… the rule was, apparently, that you cannot.

    I am happy to see that the mermaid-eating lobby has successfully worked for this important dietary change. Of course, it is the responsibility of each of us to see that our mermaids are sustainably harvested…

  17. 17
    Larry

    Has anybody done a sustainability study to verify there are sufficient numbers of mermaids in the ocean to allow them to be harvested without damaging their abilities to reproduce themselves? If not, I think I smell a fat government grant coming down the pike. [heads off to Dept. of Fish and Game]

  18. 18
    Argle Bargle

    I won’t believe in mermaids until I see some filets in the store.

  19. 19
    Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    Who in the hell would want to eat a mermaid that looks human anyway?

    Do not taunt Rule 34.

  20. 20
    velociraptor

    Stevebowen @4 and Azkyroth @19 win!

  21. 21
    Didaktylos

    Bearing in mind that the nearest thing to a real mermaid you will find is a Jenny Haniver, this might not be quite as insane as it first appears …

  22. 22
    Doug Little

    Can we get a verdict on dragon meat?

    Halal, non-halal, or delicious?

    Well obviously delicious as there aren’t that many around anymore.

  23. 23
    Gregory in Seattle

    “These you may eat, of all that are in the waters. Everything in the waters that has fins and scales, whether in the seas or in the streams—such you may eat.” (Leviticus 11:9)

    Merfolk live in the water and have fins and scales. Therefore, they are kosher.

  24. 24
    Gregory in Seattle

    @Zinc Avenger #3 – I cannot speak for halal, but dragons would not be kosher. Leviticus 11:29 forbids “the great lizard according to its kind” (the KJV says “great tortoise”, but Rabbinical interpretation is that all reptiles and amphibians are treif.)

  25. 25
    wscott

    @ Dingo #5: I wish you were right, but there’s nothing on the linked site to indicate it’s not legit. Sometimes religion is just…really weird.

  26. 26
    jnorris

    What is the creel limit? per day? per week? That brings up this question: Are the Kreel halal, assuming one could find a fresh one?

    As the Prophet showed us, a mermaid under 6 years of age has to be thrown back to sea. A mermaid 6 or older can be kept until she is 9 years old and then consume-ated.

    What about mermen?

  27. 27
    jnorris

    Who in the hell would want to eat a mermaid that looks human anyway?

    Table for 48 ready for the Donner party. Paging the Donner party, your table is ready.

  28. 28
    democommie

    “What about mermen?”

    That would be a “lifestyle” choice, they could be, with GOD’s help, converted.

  29. 29
    theschwa

    @jnorris:
    Mermen are not real. Come on! We trying to have a serious discussion of eating mermaids here!

  30. 30
    busterggi

    At least Deep Ones are still safe – they have smooth, rubbery hide – not scales.

  31. 31
    jd142

    For those keeping Kosher, there is already a wonderful book by the great team of Ann and Jeff VanderMeer. You can read the beginnings at http://www.jeffvandermeer.com/2008/04/17/evil-monkey%E2%80%99s-guide-to-kosher-imaginary-animals/.

    Or just buy the book http://www.amazon.com/Kosher-Guide-Imaginary-Animals-Dialogues/dp/1892391929/.

    For those wondering, mermaids are not Kosher. Presumably because they are sentient beings, but see the comments there for a discussion.

  32. 32
    jd142

    FYI, the preview had really messed up formatting, but when I actually submitted it, it looked fine.

  33. 33
    shouldbeworking

    I wanna know what bait to use. These people are critical short on the really essential information.

  34. 34
    dingojack

    Now you wanna eat Merman?
    You people are sick, sick I tells ya! [oh - and get offa my lawn, you whippersnappers!]

    Dingo

  35. 35
    birgerjohansson

    Dingojack,
    On the British TV show by Alexei Sayle (“Stuff”) they had a sketch about a restaurant where the “Ethel Merman sandwich” turned out to contain actual bits of Ethel Merman’s body. At the end a bloke comes to the entrance dragging a huge bag. “Cole Porter?” “-Back door!”

  36. 36
    caseloweraz

    This just in: The atmosphere in Spring Hill, Florida was tense today after the announcement from the Salafi Center of Manchester, England. The town’s mayor imposed a temporary curfew and assigned a police detail to protect the town’s primary tourist attraction, Weeki Wachee until a private security guard force could be hired and trained.

  37. 37
    dingojack

    Cannibalism eh? Not quite where I was going, but OK, whatever floats ya boat.
    (Personally I always preferred her youngest sister, Propyl*).
    Dingo
    ——-
    * particularly when she was (consensually) isopropyl
    (OK, OK I’ll stop the lame chemistry jokes now).

  1. 38
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