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Dec 28 2012

O’Reilly vs Santa Claus

The Daily Currant, an Onion-style parody site, has an amusing article about Bill O’Reilly allegedly losing it with an in-store Santa Claus at Macy’s after the fake Christmas icon wished him a “happy holidays” instead of a “merry Christmas.” This doesn’t seem too farfetched:

Johnson says that immediately upon hearing the phrase “Happy Holidays”, O’Reilly dropped the package he was holding, turned to face the Santa, looked deep into his eyes and unleashed a verbal tsunami of anger.

“What the fuck did you just say to me? What the FUCK did you just say?” O’Reilly screamed, “Did you seriously think you could get away with insulting me – ME! – with your anti-christian, secular ‘Happy Holidays’ filth?”

“Hey buddy, I don’t know what your problem is,” the Santa replied, “But its my job, I can say whatever I want.”

“Oh really?,” O’Reilly retorted as he stepped into the Santa’s face “You think you can just abandon the Judeo-Christian values that made this country great? Fucking say whatever dumb fucking communist phrase that comes to mind?”
“Pretty much,” replied the Santa.

“Oh yeah? Well I got a little present for you Karl Marx,” O’Reilly threatened as he raised his fist, “Merry Christmas motherfucker.” He then connected a punch straight to the Santa’s nose.

I’ll give it an 8. He should have had O’Reilly hit him with a loofah. Or a falafel.

12 comments

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  1. 1
    Johnny Vector

    Meh, I give it a 3. It’s just O’Reilly being obnoxious and violent, there’s no cleverness. “He then connected a punch straight to the Santa’s nose” may be a punch line, but it’s not a punchline.

    The Onion woulda done it better.

  2. 2
    dingojack

    S-A-N-T-A, C-L-A-U-S
    Hooray for Santy Claus!
    You spell it S-A-N-T-A, C-L-A-U-S
    Hooray for Santy Claus!
    Hoo-raaaaayy forrr Sannn-tyyyy Clauuuusss!
    Hooray for Santy Claus!

    :D Dingo
    ——–
    Santa 1:
    Billo ‘bilious’ O’Reilly: 0

  3. 3
    imrryr

    I hope you had a Patrick Swayze Christmas, dingo.

  4. 4
    d.c.wilson

    To make it perfect, the story should end with Bill going to the Fox studio where he recorded a Talking Points Memo where he decried the use of violence in response to someone’s use of their freedom of speech.

  5. 5
    dingojack

    Oh yes – on VHS!
    ;) Dingo

  6. 6
    Wes

    I’m not terribly impressed with that. One of the things that make The Onion so funny is that they usually do a good job of imitating how news articles are generally written. It’s the juxtaposition of the ludicrous content with the dry, matter-of-fact AP style language that makes their articles work as comedy for me. The writing style in the parody article you quote doesn’t really make for a good news parody, since it reads more like amateur fanfic than a real news article.

    That said, the IDEA of the thing made me chuckle a bit. I’m just not very impressed with the presentation.

  7. 7
    Matt G

    Should have added a quote from a small child about the mean man who hates Christmas so much that he wants to hit Santa. Not up to Onion standards (but then again, the Onion itself often drops out of character by the end of its articles).

  8. 8
    dan4

    Meh. In-store Santa Clauses pretty much always wish people “merry Christmas” rather than “happy holidays.” Attempts at “parody” based on unrealistic scenarios usually stumble right out of the gate (for me, anyway).

  9. 9
    fifthdentist

    Or instead of Santa, make it a Jewish store owner with distinctive ethnic features, who Bill can scream at for attacking our “Judeo-Christian heritage.”

  10. 10
    uncephalized

    Funny-ish concept, extremely bad writing. 5/10.

  11. 11
    Midnight Rambler

    That said, the IDEA of the thing made me chuckle a bit. I’m just not very impressed with the presentation.

    That pretty much sums up the Daily Currant. Plus their incessant spamming of the comment threads on liberal news sites with “Ha! Isn’t this funny?!?! [link]” messages, which gives them a special black mark for me.

  12. 12
    matty1

    I always have trouble telling those two apart, one lives in a fantasy world, is believed in by the immature and is obsessed with whether you meet his definition of ‘nice’, the other has a beard.

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