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Dec 13 2012

Scott Lively’s Mafia God

Deranged bigot Scott Lively has already praised God for an explosion that destroyed a strip club and injured 18 people, most of whom were firefighters and other public servants. Now he’s detected yet another reason why his violent imaginary friend did it: To stop a casino.

I was mocked by the Springfield media for suggesting that the destruction of SCORES may have been the hand of God, but surely I am not the only person in this city to draw this conclusion.

To be fair, I’m sure that’s true. There are undoubtedly other idiots in that city besides him.

If the obliteration of SCORES actually was by God (even Mayor Sarno acknowledged that it was a “miracle” that there were no deaths or serious injuries), then what is the message God is trying to send? Could it be a warning to Springfield NOT to build a casino here?…

If God did want to send Springfield a message, could He have done it any more blatantly than to literally pulverize the very center of the “entertainment district” during the period of public comment about the plan to bring in casinos?…

Who will be the Savior of Springfield? Jesus Christ? Or Vito Corleone?

Is there a difference? Ironically, Lively’s conception of God is very much a mafia-like figure. “That’s a beautiful city you got there; be a shame if something happened to it because you can’t take a hint.”

23 comments

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  1. 1
    eric

    I’d think the message would be the reverse. If I prayed “hey God, should I let this nightclub stand or demolish it and build a casino?” and the night club blew up, I’d take that as a sign God wanted a casino.

  2. 2
    Nick Gotts

    Yes: God the Father and The Godfather are remarkably similar.

  3. 3
    Kevin, 友好火猫 (Friendly Fire Cat)

    If God wanted to pass the message along that he didn’t want a casino built… wouldn’t it be better if, yaknow, he said it directly rather than make it look like a tragic accident that doesn’t have the slightest effect that looks like it was caused by some supernatural power and could not have been mistaken for some other message.

    “Hey, believers. Don’t build a casino. Thanks.”

    Just a thought.

  4. 4
    Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)

    Or maybe He was warning against building any more churches?

    “Come on guys, enough churches already. Look, I’ll smite the sinners, just this once. Now stop with the churches, it’s getting embarrassing.”

  5. 5
    Mr Ed

    I think we can come up with a fun game like pictionary or charades called the Wrath-O-God™. Teams are given a natural or man made disaster and a conclusion and the team that comes up with the best story wins a point.

  6. 6
    Doug Little

    “That’s a beautiful city you got there; be a shame if something happened to it because you can’t take a hint.”

    I can see John Stewart saying this line in his fake Brooklyn accent.

  7. 7
    noastronomer

    I am curious as to what it is that god has against trailer parks?

    @Mr Ed

    I like it … no … I Iove it!

  8. 8
    yoav

    God disapproving of casinos and strip clubs is obviously the reason for the daily major earthquake hitting Las Vegas every day, right?

  9. 9
    Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden

    If God did want to send Springfield a message, could He have done it any more blatantly than to literally pulverize the very center of the “entertainment district” during the period of public comment about the plan to bring in casinos?

    Yes. Yes he could. If he existed as omnipotent and all knowing, he could certainly accompany a little explosion with a huge telepathic message to the world that had a common component -”Hey, don’t do that!” and a personalized component, “And, by the way, I know about this thing you didn’t tell anyone about, which makes me god, but even if you still doubt, I’m giving you this thing you really wanted” and then poof that thing into existence for each and every person in the world.

    Yes, that would be more blatant. A little.

    On the other hand, he couldn’t be more blatant if he didn’t exist.

  10. 10
    briandavis

    I don’t know why people can’t see the obvious. A gas leak and explosion is a sign that God prefers coal.

  11. 11
    John Hinkle

    If God did want to send Springfield a message, could He have done it any more blatantly than to literally pulverize the very center of the “entertainment district”…

    Well yeah, he could’ve showed up first as a giant, flaming apparition, and in a booming voice that made everyone in hearing distance quake said, “Behold my power, sinners! I command this building to explode! … Now, clean up this mess and build me a casino! And I like more tables and craps and those spinning wheely things that the ball rolls around on – you know, a more traditional casino – than all those damn video games you poor slobs sit in front of for hours! Hello?? Now people, hup hup chop chop!”

  12. 12
    jnorris

    God burned down a building to clear the lot so the owners can use the insurance money to build a casino. At least that’s how I see it.

  13. 13
    Doug Little

    I think he needs to assess his use of the words blatantly, literally, pulverize and center

  14. 14
    Akira MacKenzie

    jnorris @ 12

    So Jesus “The Fish” Christ isn’t in the protection rackets, but insurance fraud.

  15. 15
    haitied

    Who are we kidding G@wd was busy getting a “Lappy” and in his excitement, accidentally blew up the strip club.
    I like my blatantly false stories better.

  16. 16
    Ichthyic

    Who will be the Savior of Springfield?


    grandpa Simpson?

  17. 17
    Vasha

    The (direct) cause of the explosion turns out to have been one of those “What are the chances?” things that leave you puzzled by the power of luck. See, people in the area had been complaining of smelling gas for over a week, so the utility company sent out someone to find the source of the slow leak. That involves sticking a detector on a probe into the ground near the gas pipe. So the worker looked at the markings on the sidewalk, painted a year before, that showed where the pipe was, moved over two feet… and stuck the probe right into the (rusty) pipe. The markings were wrong by exactly two feet. The worker reacted correctly when gas started pouring out, and instantly called the fire department who evacuated the area, but the utility company didn’t manage to shut off the main before enough gas had accumulated in the building to go boom.

    So how come the markings were wrong by just the right amount for this to happen? No doubt someone can say God caused it — subtle, he is. Hey, whenever something unlikely happens, the word “miracle” is always tossed around. People just don’t have a sense of how common uncommon events are.

  18. 18
    dan4

    “Or Vito Corleone?”

    Huh? Is Lively implying that the proposed casino will be Mafia-controlled?

  19. 19
    Crudely Wrott

    So, aaahhh, when is this “god” thing going to get smart? Why, Scott, does it not write a letter, emboss it with its official seal and send it by registered mail, return receipt requested? You know, like any intelligent human would do and like any intelligent human would respond to.
    Perhaps it (you) just likes smiting, eh?

  20. 20
    criticaldragon1177

    Ed Brayton

    People like Scott Lively are just sick.

  21. 21
    democommie

    WTF? Why would GOD destroy a stripjoint instead of, say, an abortion clinic? I mean a stripjoint might lead to MAKIN’ SUM BABEEZ! why get rid of it when there are so many better, more obviously satanic enterprises out there to smite?

    I can just see Azrael getting his ass reamed by Capo di tutti capi YHWH at the “Paradise Social Club”:

    “You stramalodetta stronzo, you testa di cavolo! How many times I gotta tell you, don’t fuck with the cash flow! I wanna send a message, not kill the golden goose, you faccia di culo pimp! Go back out there and start whackin’ the abortion clinics and, get this right–NO STRIP JOINTS, NO CASINOS, NO METH LABS! Disobey me OR fuck up, again, and you’ll know from “Wrath of GOD”. Capice, you fessacchione figlio di puttana? Otherwise, you’ll be “sleepin’ in Limbo”.

  22. 22
    Rip Steakface

    @12 and 14

    Well, you know what they say – when God closes a door, he opens a window. Or burns down a casino. Can’t remember which.

  23. 23
    democommie

    It’s not always a casine, either.

    http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2010/06/15/jesus-statue-struck-by-lightning/

    Is it just me or does that skeleton look like a giant preying mantis?

  1. 24
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