When a friend on Facebook the other day quoted some particularly snarky thing I’d said, my response was, “I want that on my tombstone.” That got me thinking about some of the great epitaphs of history and, lucky for me, Wikipedia has a long list of them. Here are a few of my favorites:
Susan B. Anthony: “Liberty, Humanity, Justice, Equality”
George Burns and Gracie Allen: “Together again.”
Mel Blanc: “That’s all, folks!”
George Carlin: “Jeez, he was just here a minute ago.”
Winston Churchill: “I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.”
Rodney Dangerfield: “There goes the neighborhood.”
Jackie Gleason: “And away we go!”
HL Mencken: “If after I depart this vale you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner, and wink your eye at some homely girl.”
What do you want yours to say?
96 comments
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Wes
December 8, 2012 at 10:44 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
How about, “I’m dead. Get over it.” or “This’ll be you some day, so stop wasting your time in cemeteries reading epitaphs.” :)
matty1
December 8, 2012 at 10:51 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“What a waste of a stone, don’t think I’m going to read it”
steve oberski
December 8, 2012 at 10:56 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
It was said that W.C. Fields wanted “I’d rather be in Philadelphia” on his gravestone because of the old vaudeville joke among comedians, “I would rather be dead than play Philadelphia”.
An interesting factoid:
In a provision of his will that was contested by his wife Hattie and his son Claude, W. C. Fields—who remained an atheist to the end—left a portion of his estate to fund the education of orphans in a school “where no religion of any sort is preached”.
AsqJames
December 8, 2012 at 10:57 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Spike Milligan: “I told you i was ill.”
Thorne
December 8, 2012 at 10:59 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Not interested in an epitaph or a tombstone. Let the doctors take what they can, burn the rest and dump the ashes in the nearest trash can on the way home.
amycote
December 8, 2012 at 11:02 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Paraphrase of what the ER doc said: “She was a puzzling case.” (Though I’d rather donate my cadaver to a Body Farm.)
Didaktylos
December 8, 2012 at 11:08 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Sir Christopher Wren – “Si monumentum requiris, circumspice”
Draken
December 8, 2012 at 11:10 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Here I lie, and wonder why
The floor and walls look like the sky.
dingojack
December 8, 2012 at 11:11 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
One of my favorites is for a plowman in Lincolnshire, it simply reads:
‘He plowed a straight furrow’
“The short and simple annals of the poor.”, eh?
Dingo
——–
* Also a like Simonides of Ceos:
“ὦ ξεῖν’, ἀγγέλλειν Λακεδαιμονίοις ὅτι τῇδε
κείμεθα τοῖς κείνων ῥήμασι πειθόμενοι.”
often translated as:
Go tell the Spartans, thou who pass by
we did our duty and here we lie.
dingojack
December 8, 2012 at 11:15 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Who was it whose epitaph was: ‘Pardon me for not getting up’?
Dingo
serena
December 8, 2012 at 11:16 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
From a grave marker in Tombstone Arizona: Here lies Lester Moore/Shot to death with a .44/ No Les No More
dingojack
December 8, 2012 at 11:26 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Another at Tombstone (reputedly) says simply:
‘He called Billy Smith a liar’.
Dingo
steveinmi
December 8, 2012 at 11:40 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“Pardon my dust.” – adapted/plagiarized from Dorothy Parker
steve84
December 8, 2012 at 11:48 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“Cured the genophage*
*which he also created”
– Mordin Solus
youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=eJ-VCGKlk_8#t=10s
dingojack
December 8, 2012 at 11:59 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
The lawyer/politician Sir John Strange‘s epitaph reads:
“Here lies an honest lawyer;
and that is Strange“..
.
Dingo
shakeb
December 8, 2012 at 12:16 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
My all time favorite epitaph. Lucius Cornelius Sulla:
“No friend ever served me, and no enemy ever wronged me, whom I have not repaid in full”
dingojack
December 8, 2012 at 12:23 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
There was a man called Button whose epitaph was something like:
‘Oh ye stars, ye moon, ye celestial poles
Are graves but dwindled into button-holes?”
:) Dingo
——
PS: also like Robert Louis Stevenson
They followed his wishes exactly,
. His grave lies on a slope overlooking the sea, on his beloved Tahiti
iknklast
December 8, 2012 at 12:32 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
We put up a stone when his parents died, and it will be for all four of us. It reads (in Latin and in English): I was not, I was, I am not, I do not care
The folks who make the headstones in this small town looked at us a bit strange; it didn’t hurt
dingojack
December 8, 2012 at 12:36 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I believe that Swift once asked a friend what epitaph they would put on his grave. The response was:
‘Here lies what remains of Jonathan Swift
Pause stranger – and piss‘.
Dingo
tbp1
December 8, 2012 at 12:39 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Not really what I would want, but I’ve always liked the joke about the hypochondriac’s epitaph: I told you I was sick!
writenow
December 8, 2012 at 12:45 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“Here lies Keith O’Connor. He always wanted to be cool.”
sandy
December 8, 2012 at 1:09 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I once saw in the keystone over a cemetery in Spain: I was once like you, you will be like me.
abb3w
December 8, 2012 at 1:13 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
My current preference is for “οὐκ ἔστιν ὧδε” (he is not here).
abb3w
December 8, 2012 at 1:14 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
By the way, there seems to be some minor difficulties with preview for people perverse enough to use non-standard ASCII characters.
dingojack
December 8, 2012 at 1:14 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Also like the common inscription on the inside lintel of old pubs in Ireland and Scotland:
“Be happy in your leaving
’cause you’re a long time dead!”
Dingo
dingojack
December 8, 2012 at 1:18 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
abb3w – nope, just or those with the temerity to use characters.
Dingo
——-
But Ed says he’ll get it fixed.
rabbitscribe
December 8, 2012 at 1:48 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
When Bob Hope was sent home from the hospital to die, he was asked where he’d like to be buried.
“Eh, I don’t know… surprise me.”
kosk11348
December 8, 2012 at 1:56 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
On a headstone in England: “What was all that about?”
neonsequitur
December 8, 2012 at 1:58 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“Somebody feed the cat.”
rowanvt
December 8, 2012 at 2:00 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
While I no longer believe in reincarnation, I still want the following on my toomstone:
BAD END.
What do you want to do?
Quit
Start from last save
>Start new game
rowanvt
December 8, 2012 at 2:00 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Geez, I can’t spellin the morning. Tombstone. :P
grumpyoldfart
December 8, 2012 at 2:07 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Now the rot sets in
vmanis1
December 8, 2012 at 2:28 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Two that I’ve heard and consider favorably are `Late again’ (for a procrastinator) and `Oops’.
vmanis1
December 8, 2012 at 2:30 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
[Off track] I like the new look, but the `Older Posts’ link at the bottom provokes a 404.
Didaktylos
December 8, 2012 at 3:43 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Dingojack – you omitted a line from Stevenson’s epitaph:
Under the wide and starry sky
Dig the grave and let me lie.
Glad did I live and gladly die,
And I laid me down with a will.
This be the verse you grave for me:
Here he lies where he longed to be;
Home is the sailor, home from the sea,
And the hunter home from the hill.
davem
December 8, 2012 at 3:51 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
On a gravestone in Sussex:
UNDERNEATH Lieth the Body of Robert Commonly called Bone Phillip
Who died July 27th 1793
Aged 65 years
As whose request the following lines are here inserted
Here lie I at the chancel door
Here lie I because I’m poor
The further in the more you’ll pay
Here lie I as warm as they
F [disappearing]
December 8, 2012 at 3:54 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
vmanis1 @34
That makes an amusing epitaph as well.
david
December 8, 2012 at 4:05 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
from the Grateful Dead: “Such a long long time to be gone, and a short time to be there”
zmidponk
December 8, 2012 at 4:15 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I did hear somewhere about someone who put, at the bottom of his headstone, in really small letters, ‘If you can read this, you’re standing on me’.
theobroma
December 8, 2012 at 4:26 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
@dingojack: RLS was buried on Mt Vaea, Samoa, not Tahiti
Epitaph: “Ha! Fooled you!”
democommie
December 8, 2012 at 4:34 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I like these:
http://www.digitaldreamdoor.com/pages/quotes/epitaphs.html
Particularly the, “I told you I was sick!”
canuckamuck
December 8, 2012 at 5:06 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“You should see the other guy.”
gardengnome
December 8, 2012 at 5:13 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Was it Billy Connolly who wanted “Is that the time already?“?
jasmyn
December 8, 2012 at 6:33 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I thought I told you to throw me in the trash.
Reginald Selkirk
December 8, 2012 at 6:52 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“Avoid raw shellfish.”
caseloweraz
December 8, 2012 at 7:31 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Two epitaphs I like:
For myself, I might hope to use the second. It’s from one of Heinlein’s juveniles — I think it was Time for the Stars. But that would be a conceit, because it’s not true.
I also like this, although it’s not an epitaph:
lancifer
December 8, 2012 at 8:51 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I am a bit absent minded so before leaving my home I am constantly asked a certain question by family and friends.
So I want my grave stone to read,
“Yes, I have my wallet.”
Marcus Ranum
December 8, 2012 at 9:51 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Apparently there’s a French waiter buried at Pere Lachaise Cemetary whose stone reads, “by and by the lord caught his eye.”
Crudely Wrott
December 8, 2012 at 10:17 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Not graven on the stones but spoken soon after is my all time favorite:
Another, from a suicide note contains this line:
Funny how that dying business goes . . .
Ouigui
December 8, 2012 at 10:56 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“So long, and thanks for all the flesh.”
Sastra
December 8, 2012 at 11:20 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I just thought of:
“What? Over already?”
procrastinator will get an avatar real soon now
December 8, 2012 at 11:22 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
From a Big Top Chautauqua t-shirt:
You’re going to be dead for millions and billions and zillions of years.
Why not stay up late tonight?
Loqi
December 8, 2012 at 11:28 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“He stood in the fire.”
tomh
December 9, 2012 at 12:13 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Mine is already written:
“He was just here for the food.”
dingojack
December 9, 2012 at 12:19 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Didaktylos – Thanks, I was quoting from memory so was almost sure to get it wrong,
also:
“home is the sailor home from sea
And the hunter home from the hill“.
(note the lack of an article in front of ‘sea’, this is often misquoted*, adding an extra ‘the’ into the verse).
Yes, you’re quite right (brain fade) Samoa.
Dingo
——–
* including on his grave, ironically
abb3w
December 9, 2012 at 12:49 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
So, is Zach Weiner a follower of the Dispatches?
janicot
December 9, 2012 at 1:13 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I think I’d like to steal the possum lodge motto from the Red Green Show. Sorry if I spell it wrong.
‘Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati’ — When all else fails, play dead.
Greg
December 9, 2012 at 1:41 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Does anyone know what Robert G. Ingersoll’s epitaph was?
hypatiasdaughter
December 9, 2012 at 1:51 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
@41 democommie
That website has one that tickles my funny bone:
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
katenrala
December 9, 2012 at 1:53 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Dingo please give me a yay or nay on my offer as no response is bugging me and I want to do this for you:
Dingo, the picture I want to draw for you, and I really do want to give you something as a sort of make-up, would be of a nude in a soft erotic manner, or smut if you want that, male or female, your choice and choice of depiction and pose, but I don’t think such artwork would be appropriate to share on this blog.
I can do many styles, I have my own style and I can draw in several US comic styles, several Japanese manga styles, a few European comic styles, and furry art in a few styles, just name a artist or comic, or better: present a image of the style you like best and I should be able to draw something that looks similar to the work, but it would be line art only as coloring takes as much or more time as drawing does and I’ve some gift art to make too this month for Christmas. You’ll get a resolution independent eps vector file and a high resolution tiff file, and a pdf breaking down the process as a behind-the-scenes thing with no licenses restricting what you could with the art as I am a free culture, copyleft kind of person.
hypatiasdaughter
December 9, 2012 at 1:54 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Greg, ask & you shall receive!
“Nothing is grander than to break chains from the bodies of men — nothing nobler than to destroy the phantoms of the soul.”
From this website: http://www.ingersoll.wash.org/content/tour/grave.php
Azkyroth, Former Growing Toaster Oven
December 9, 2012 at 1:58 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“Wish you were here.” ^.^
Azkyroth, Former Growing Toaster Oven
December 9, 2012 at 1:59 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Katenrala @60: that’s a bit long for a tombstone. O.o
katenrala
December 9, 2012 at 2:01 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I forgot to mention that I could put the files on my online file space so you could just download them, or I could send them to you via email if you wish.
Fred Salvador - The Public Sucks; Fuck Hope
December 9, 2012 at 2:40 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not here;
I’m in a pie.
trollofreason
December 9, 2012 at 4:19 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“And they thought to defy me.”
Y’know, just to mess with the ages.
mithrandir
December 9, 2012 at 5:23 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
@30:
In a similar vein, I am now thinking my tombstone should read “Do you want your possessions identified? (y/n)”.
John Phillips, FCD
December 9, 2012 at 5:51 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
meh!
dingojack
December 9, 2012 at 6:29 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
How about: ‘Oh no, not again!’
:) Dingo
dingojack
December 9, 2012 at 6:47 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
katenrala – sorry I haven’t got back to you.
It’s kinda of weird request (I’m not sure if I’m flattered). Do you really think that’s an appropriate thing to ask a virtual stranger who you’ve only really had one (fairly misunderstood at both ends) conversation with?
Still if you want to sure, make it a mixed platter if you like, but only if I have permission to share it with everyone. Perhaps send it via Ed to maintain anonymity (for both our sakes).
With that kind of talent why don’t you write a blog comic about your experiences (and those of other ‘differently-abled’ people), a kind of ‘American Splendor’ for the 21st century?
Dingo
chuckcain
December 9, 2012 at 7:39 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Clear streams and tight lines.
democommie
December 9, 2012 at 9:45 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Oh, my favorite epitaph por moi!
“Nobody home”.
Several years ago I was talking to a local inkster who asked if I had any tats. I said that I didn’t and wouldn’t be getting any, although I had thought about the fact that people who suffer strokes and heart attacks are sometimes unable to make their wishes known in the event they are comatose and haven’t got a DNR. I also intend to be cremated. So I told him I might want one on my chest that reads:
“Do not open. Burn after reading. Have a nice day!”
BRamsey
December 9, 2012 at 9:47 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I’ve always been partial to this one from Pratchett in Pyramids: It’s a little long and not really an epitaph, but I don’t care. ;)
Number of enemies ground as dust under his chariot wheels = 0.
Number of thrones crushed beneath his sandaled feet = 0.
Number of times world bestrode like colossus = 0.
On the other hand: Reigns of terror = 0.
Faces of poor ground = 0.
Expensive crusades embarked upon = 0.
His life had, basically, been a no-score win.
The best a person can hope for is not to screw things up worse than they already are. “I guess one person can make a difference. But most of the time, they probably shouldn’t.”
tbp1
December 9, 2012 at 10:04 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
A great fictional epitaph:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair.
From Shelley’s poem, Ozymandias.
dingojack
December 9, 2012 at 10:21 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Or even Horace Smith:
Dingo
corkscrew
December 9, 2012 at 10:48 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“I am INVINCIBLE!”
“Whoops”
“Game over; insert coin”. With a slot in the gravestone.
“BRAINSSSSS”
“Here lie I / A total berk / Tried to fly / Didn’t work.” I’m sure I remember reading one along these lines, but I can’t remember the wording. Anyone know the original, or has a better suggestion?
“Still more room than my cubicle”
“Don’t eat the yellow snow”
“Run! Run for your life!” Ideally, this would be in a graveyard in some decidedly rural and insular community, where people play banjo a lot.
“BRB”. Or “AFK” for that matter.
“Died 5/8/20XX [citation needed]“
corkscrew
December 9, 2012 at 10:55 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“Best of three?”
tbp1
December 9, 2012 at 12:50 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
@dingojack: Thanks. I didn’t know the Horace Smith poem, or the history behind Shelley’s, for that matter. Always nice to learn something new.
bobbyearle
December 9, 2012 at 2:24 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“No Soliciting”
bobbyearle
December 9, 2012 at 2:25 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Or “Get Off My Lawn”.
glenmorangie10
December 9, 2012 at 3:13 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
If anyone would let me, and especially if my family stuck my corpse in a Catholic cemetery:
Last in Life
First in Death
Damned For All Time
thebookofdave
December 9, 2012 at 3:52 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Hey! Who turned out the lights?
maddog1129
December 9, 2012 at 4:02 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I am really tempted to put on mine:
“I wish I’d spent more time at the office.”
typecaster
December 9, 2012 at 4:29 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
OT, but this is related to one of my favorite curses – “May you go down in medical history.”
Close – it was Starman Jones.
Crudely Wrott
December 9, 2012 at 9:53 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I came
I saw
I played
Time for a nice nap
lancifer
December 10, 2012 at 1:04 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
maddog1129,
“I wish I had spent more time at the office.”
I think I like yours the best. At least it would give the living a data point to throw at the idiots that quote the cliche which it mocks
“Oh, shit.” would also be a good one.
On a related note I read that “Oh, shit” was the most common “last words” of pilots heard on recovered cockpit voice recorders.
The saddest one was a young pilot that struggled with the controls, then gave up, and knowing that his last words were being recorded, calmly uttered “I love you Mom.”
gregorypeterson
December 10, 2012 at 2:49 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
It’s a Norwegian thing.
dingojack
December 10, 2012 at 5:07 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
how about:
‘This stone was erected to the memory of
JOHN SMITH*
who was accidentally drowned in waters of the Leith
by a few affectionate friends”.
or
“The memorial was raised to the memory of
Col. HENRY BLANK*
who was accidentally shot and killed whilst hunting
by his servant of 50 years, Isaac*
‘Well done O good & faithful servant!’”
Dingo
——-
* I can not recall the actual names offhand
Shout In Darkness
December 10, 2012 at 5:54 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“Here lie the ashes of a man in the habit of putting everything off until tomorrow. He changed for the better on his deathbed, however, and did in fact die on 31 January 1972″
Swedish author Fritiof Nilsson Piraten
The Lorax
December 10, 2012 at 10:19 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“Crap, I rolled a 1.”
bbgunn
December 10, 2012 at 11:10 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“I’m with Stupid →”
Stacey C.
December 10, 2012 at 11:24 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I’m for medical science/the body farm but if I was to choose:
If There is an Afterlife…I am Going to Haunt the SHIT out of You.
My favorite gravestone I’ve personally seen:
Warren Gibbs
died by arsenic poison
March 23. 1860.
Æ 36 yrs, 5 mos.
23 days
Think my friends when this you see
How my wife hath done by me
She in some oysters did prepare
Some poison for my lot and share;
When of the same I did partake
And nature yielded to its fate
Before she my wife became
Mary Felton was her name.
Erected by his brother
Wm. Gibbs
(Pelham, MA)
bbgunn
December 10, 2012 at 12:05 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Crap. Hit “Sumbit”instead of “Preview’ key before I was finished. That was stupid. Should have read “I’m with Stupid →” will be on my spouse’s side.
Pieter B, FCD
December 10, 2012 at 2:22 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
There’s a gravestone at Hollywood Forever that is blank, a matte dark gray. There’s a box of colored chalks next to it. I like the concept and I’ve left my mark there a time or two.
I like the idea of my ashes being used to fertilize a friend’s vegetable garden. Recycle me.
poose
December 10, 2012 at 5:43 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“If your falling and you know you’re going to die, you might as well try flying. After all-what have you got to loose?”
katenrala
December 11, 2012 at 9:47 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
katenrala – sorry I haven’t got back to you.
It’s kinda of weird request (I’m not sure if I’m flattered). Do you really think that’s an appropriate thing to ask a virtual stranger who you’ve only really had one (fairly misunderstood at both ends) conversation with?
Still if you want to sure, make it a mixed platter if you like, but only if I have permission to share it with everyone. Perhaps send it via Ed to maintain anonymity (for both our sakes).
With that kind of talent why don’t you write a blog comic about your experiences (and those of other ‘differently-abled’ people), a kind of ‘American Splendor’ for the 21st century?
Dingo
I can see it as weird but I’m better at visual things so giving a picture comes more natural to me.
You can share with anyone you like, and a mixed platter it shall be.
I’ll do as you ask and have Ed give them to you when I finish with them.
I want to do a comic about my experiences and have a lot of strips written for it and title and characters, but I am too tired on chemo to do a large project like that and I’m starting radiation this week. It’ll be a while before I can find such energy.