Behold, the Awesome Power of The Gay
We’re all accustomed to hearing wingnut preachers blame every natural disaster on gay people, but here’s a new one. There was recently a massive solar flare, called a coronal mass ejection, that was captured by NASA and the images widely viewed. And that, of course, is also the fault of The Gay:
Parishioners at Topeka Baptist Bible Fellowship Church definitely seem to think so. In fact, they think that the magnitude of the Sun’s explosion is directly proportional to the ‘steaming anger of God’s holy wrath due to gay marriage laws supported by Obama’.
After a televised Sunday sermon, the mid-sized congregation’s chief parishioner, Bishop Haywood Bynum III, drew ire from the local community and national media after claiming that the sun’s massive explosion was actually a ‘coronal mass erection’ and allowed by God to ‘certify Satan’s lust for the Earth and mankind will be allowed, since mankind does not care enough to keep God’s dictations pure and true.”
Apparently, Fred Phelps and his merry gang of ghouls is not the only collection of whackos on Topeka.
Gregory in Seattle:
November 27th, 2012 at 11:12 am
Control over the sun. Are we awesome or what?
matty1:
November 27th, 2012 at 11:12 am
The sun is Satan and has a hard on for Earth?
Stevarious, Public Health Problem:
November 27th, 2012 at 11:18 am
So the Sun is flaming for Earth’s hot gay love?
Dayum.
‘Coronal Mass Erection’ made me lol.
Bronze Dog:
November 27th, 2012 at 11:22 am
We need to harness that power for military purposes.
David C Brayton:
November 27th, 2012 at 11:22 am
A coronal mass erection…..now that’s funny. This is something Ed would tell the preacher to say if Ed were God.
imrryr:
November 27th, 2012 at 11:23 am
Huh. I can only imagine what must’ve caused the Big Bang then.
usingreason:
November 27th, 2012 at 11:24 am
So the gays make the Sun hard? So the Sun is gay as well? Is Jupiter gay or just bi-curious?
Raging Bee:
November 27th, 2012 at 11:24 am
I’m sure he heard the phrase “mass ejection” and it immediately caused him to think forbidden thoughts, which he then had to sublimate in a hateful religious tirade. It’s really not hard to understand how these sad frustrated loons think.
In fact, they think that the magnitude of the Sun’s explosion is directly proportional to the ‘steaming anger of God’s holy wrath due to gay marriage laws supported by Obama’.
Or maybe the flare represented steaming lust, rather than anger — but a good Christian bigot can’t admit that possibility, can he?
(PS: Steam? In the Sun? That’s probably another unintented reference to his own heat and humidity.)
Raging Bee:
November 27th, 2012 at 11:27 am
usingreason: Jupiter is a lezbo, dumbass! Haven’t you seen that red spot? Damn but you atheists are dumb.
holytape:
November 27th, 2012 at 11:30 am
Nuclear fusion always sounded gay to me. Same elemental binding! I believe there is a chapter in Leviticus against that godless abomination.
Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant):
November 27th, 2012 at 11:33 am
Somewhere, out there, right now, there is a star falling into a black hole. Is there no limit to The Lord’s wrath over The Gay?
d.c.wilson:
November 27th, 2012 at 11:34 am
Now we know the truth behind the Milky Way.
eric:
November 27th, 2012 at 11:43 am
Wikipedia tells me that CMEs are typically the result of two giant magnetic loops coming together to release energy. Surely a sign of teh ghey, though no erections required. ;)
Trebuchet:
November 27th, 2012 at 12:11 pm
Poe’s law applies, in that I can’t tell for sure if it’s satire or real. However,Google is giving me nothing on either the pastor or the church, except a single reference from topekasnews.com, a website advertising itself as “A Progressive Voice For The Free Thinker”. I’m really doubtful on this one. The author is listed as “Sterling Manchester II”. Other stories by him on the website also appear to be satire.
Draken:
November 27th, 2012 at 12:12 pm
…because the sun only ever shines on the USA and not on, say, Iran, Saudi-Arabia and Sudan?
Randomfactor:
November 27th, 2012 at 12:15 pm
Pointed AWAY from the earth. Apparently teh ghey are from some OTHER planet. Or possibly the sun’s a sub.
Trebuchet:
November 27th, 2012 at 12:16 pm
From the “about” page of topekasnews.com:
For me, at least, Poe’s law no longer applies. It’s satire.
Raging Bee:
November 27th, 2012 at 1:10 pm
Has anyone actually seen these coronal burst thingies? They actually look more excited and happy — dare I say gay? Flaming? — than angry.
zippythepinhead:
November 27th, 2012 at 1:43 pm
“Hail to the Sun God.
“He sure is a fun God.
“Ra! Ra! Ra!”
– Unix fortune program
baal:
November 27th, 2012 at 3:35 pm
It’s haaaaaaaawwwt in Topeka.
F [disappearing]:
November 27th, 2012 at 7:11 pm
There must be gays in orbit everywhere around the sun, and well outside the plane of the ecliptic. So, how much gay pervades the vacuum of local space? Scientists, start observing now!
F [disappearing]:
November 27th, 2012 at 7:12 pm
lol
“coronal mass ejaculation’
F [disappearing]:
November 27th, 2012 at 7:15 pm
Do Ihit ‘submit’ too soon without thinking?
“coronal mass eructation”
Raging Bee:
November 27th, 2012 at 7:52 pm
There must be gays in orbit everywhere around the sun, and well outside the plane of the ecliptic. So, how much gay pervades the vacuum of local space?
First it’s dark matter, now it’s gay matter? Hopefully the gay matter won’t reproduce…
F [disappearing]:
November 27th, 2012 at 7:57 pm
Because the gayvitaional field would be thrown out of wack?
carlsonjok:
November 28th, 2012 at 7:38 am
Trebuchet:
Indeed. I can’t be the only one who can’t seem to find any link to actual playback of the sermon? Surely, I am not the only one who can’t even seem to find any evidence that Topeka Baptist Bible Fellowship Church even exists?
dingojack:
November 28th, 2012 at 8:00 am
carlsonjok – Pretty sure it’s a poe.
As for Topeka Baptist Bible Fellowship Church, sadly not.
Dingo
bradleybetts:
November 28th, 2012 at 9:40 am
‘coronal mass erection’ as a result of the gay? So… God’s gay?
birgerjohansson:
November 28th, 2012 at 10:39 am
“So the Sun is flaming for Earth’s hot gay love?”
Readers of “The Authority” graphic novels will recognise the connection with Apollo and The Midnighter. :-)
Trebuchet:
November 28th, 2012 at 10:56 am
@27, Dingo: Following your link to Google, there are churches with similar names, but not with that specific name.