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Nov 27 2012

Behold, the Awesome Power of The Gay

We’re all accustomed to hearing wingnut preachers blame every natural disaster on gay people, but here’s a new one. There was recently a massive solar flare, called a coronal mass ejection, that was captured by NASA and the images widely viewed. And that, of course, is also the fault of The Gay:

Parishioners at Topeka Baptist Bible Fellowship Church definitely seem to think so. In fact, they think that the magnitude of the Sun’s explosion is directly proportional to the ‘steaming anger of God’s holy wrath due to gay marriage laws supported by Obama’.

After a televised Sunday sermon, the mid-sized congregation’s chief parishioner, Bishop Haywood Bynum III, drew ire from the local community and national media after claiming that the sun’s massive explosion was actually a ‘coronal mass erection’ and allowed by God to ‘certify Satan’s lust for the Earth and mankind will be allowed, since mankind does not care enough to keep God’s dictations pure and true.”

Apparently, Fred Phelps and his merry gang of ghouls is not the only collection of whackos on Topeka.

30 comments

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  1. 1
    Gregory in Seattle

    Control over the sun. Are we awesome or what?

  2. 2
    matty1

    a ‘coronal mass erection’ and allowed by God to ‘certify Satan’s lust for the Earth and mankind will be allowed

    The sun is Satan and has a hard on for Earth?

  3. 3
    Stevarious, Public Health Problem

    So the Sun is flaming for Earth’s hot gay love?

    Dayum.

    ‘Coronal Mass Erection’ made me lol.

  4. 4
  5. 5
    David C Brayton

    A coronal mass erection…..now that’s funny. This is something Ed would tell the preacher to say if Ed were God.

  6. 6
    imrryr

    Huh. I can only imagine what must’ve caused the Big Bang then.

  7. 7
    usingreason

    So the gays make the Sun hard? So the Sun is gay as well? Is Jupiter gay or just bi-curious?

  8. 8
    Raging Bee

    I’m sure he heard the phrase “mass ejection” and it immediately caused him to think forbidden thoughts, which he then had to sublimate in a hateful religious tirade. It’s really not hard to understand how these sad frustrated loons think.

    In fact, they think that the magnitude of the Sun’s explosion is directly proportional to the ‘steaming anger of God’s holy wrath due to gay marriage laws supported by Obama’.

    Or maybe the flare represented steaming lust, rather than anger — but a good Christian bigot can’t admit that possibility, can he?

    (PS: Steam? In the Sun? That’s probably another unintented reference to his own heat and humidity.)

  9. 9
    Raging Bee

    usingreason: Jupiter is a lezbo, dumbass! Haven’t you seen that red spot? Damn but you atheists are dumb.

  10. 10
    holytape

    Nuclear fusion always sounded gay to me. Same elemental binding! I believe there is a chapter in Leviticus against that godless abomination.

  11. 11
    Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)

    Somewhere, out there, right now, there is a star falling into a black hole. Is there no limit to The Lord’s wrath over The Gay?

  12. 12
    d.c.wilson

    Now we know the truth behind the Milky Way.

  13. 13
    eric

    Wikipedia tells me that CMEs are typically the result of two giant magnetic loops coming together to release energy. Surely a sign of teh ghey, though no erections required. ;)

  14. 14
    Trebuchet

    Poe’s law applies, in that I can’t tell for sure if it’s satire or real. However,Google is giving me nothing on either the pastor or the church, except a single reference from topekasnews.com, a website advertising itself as “A Progressive Voice For The Free Thinker”. I’m really doubtful on this one. The author is listed as “Sterling Manchester II”. Other stories by him on the website also appear to be satire.

  15. 15
    Draken

    …because the sun only ever shines on the USA and not on, say, Iran, Saudi-Arabia and Sudan?

  16. 16
    Randomfactor

    Pointed AWAY from the earth. Apparently teh ghey are from some OTHER planet. Or possibly the sun’s a sub.

  17. 17
    Trebuchet

    From the “about” page of topekasnews.com:

    Huffier than the Huffington Post, snarkier than the Onion (don’t cry), TopekasNews will give you a peek at the best of lifestyle, news and entertainment culture made for a local and global audience.

    Borne from the brainchild of Jack Randolph-Topeka, TopekasNews is an interactive way to stay connected with the best news stories, friends and facedspaces without actually having to Google everything. In the early days of the internet, people did not Google everything they needed; they Topeka’d it. But due to the great floods of 1995, the Midwest’s one good server was lost and Google eventually took prominence.

    But now Topekaing is back and you’re privy to news, searches and conversations where you can insert your own witty news headline into the day’s mix of culture, memes, news and entertainment.

    Join the Movement, now.

    For me, at least, Poe’s law no longer applies. It’s satire.

  18. 18
    Raging Bee

    Has anyone actually seen these coronal burst thingies? They actually look more excited and happy — dare I say gay? Flaming? — than angry.

  19. 19
    zippythepinhead

    “Hail to the Sun God.
    “He sure is a fun God.
    “Ra! Ra! Ra!”
    – Unix fortune program

  20. 20
    baal

    It’s haaaaaaaawwwt in Topeka.

  21. 21
    F [i'm not here, i'm gone]

    There must be gays in orbit everywhere around the sun, and well outside the plane of the ecliptic. So, how much gay pervades the vacuum of local space? Scientists, start observing now!

  22. 22
    F [i'm not here, i'm gone]

    a ‘coronal mass erection’

    lol
    “coronal mass ejaculation’

  23. 23
    F [i'm not here, i'm gone]

    Do Ihit ‘submit’ too soon without thinking?

    “coronal mass eructation”

  24. 24
    Raging Bee

    There must be gays in orbit everywhere around the sun, and well outside the plane of the ecliptic. So, how much gay pervades the vacuum of local space?

    First it’s dark matter, now it’s gay matter? Hopefully the gay matter won’t reproduce…

  25. 25
    F [i'm not here, i'm gone]

    Because the gayvitaional field would be thrown out of wack?

  26. 26
    carlsonjok

    Trebuchet:

    For me, at least, Poe’s law no longer applies. It’s satire.

    Indeed. I can’t be the only one who can’t seem to find any link to actual playback of the sermon? Surely, I am not the only one who can’t even seem to find any evidence that Topeka Baptist Bible Fellowship Church even exists?

  27. 27
    dingojack

    carlsonjok – Pretty sure it’s a poe.
    As for Topeka Baptist Bible Fellowship Church, sadly not.

    Dingo

  28. 28
    bradleybetts

    ‘coronal mass erection’ as a result of the gay? So… God’s gay?

  29. 29
    birgerjohansson

    “So the Sun is flaming for Earth’s hot gay love?”

    Readers of “The Authority” graphic novels will recognise the connection with Apollo and The Midnighter. :-)

  30. 30
    Trebuchet

    @27, Dingo: Following your link to Google, there are churches with similar names, but not with that specific name.

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