We’re all accustomed to hearing wingnut preachers blame every natural disaster on gay people, but here’s a new one. There was recently a massive solar flare, called a coronal mass ejection, that was captured by NASA and the images widely viewed. And that, of course, is also the fault of The Gay:
Parishioners at Topeka Baptist Bible Fellowship Church definitely seem to think so. In fact, they think that the magnitude of the Sun’s explosion is directly proportional to the ‘steaming anger of God’s holy wrath due to gay marriage laws supported by Obama’.
After a televised Sunday sermon, the mid-sized congregation’s chief parishioner, Bishop Haywood Bynum III, drew ire from the local community and national media after claiming that the sun’s massive explosion was actually a ‘coronal mass erection’ and allowed by God to ‘certify Satan’s lust for the Earth and mankind will be allowed, since mankind does not care enough to keep God’s dictations pure and true.”
Apparently, Fred Phelps and his merry gang of ghouls is not the only collection of whackos on Topeka.
30 comments
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Gregory in Seattle
November 27, 2012 at 11:12 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Control over the sun. Are we awesome or what?
matty1
November 27, 2012 at 11:12 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
The sun is Satan and has a hard on for Earth?
Stevarious, Public Health Problem
November 27, 2012 at 11:18 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
So the Sun is flaming for Earth’s hot gay love?
Dayum.
‘Coronal Mass Erection’ made me lol.
Bronze Dog
November 27, 2012 at 11:22 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
We need to harness that power for military purposes.
David C Brayton
November 27, 2012 at 11:22 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
A coronal mass erection…..now that’s funny. This is something Ed would tell the preacher to say if Ed were God.
imrryr
November 27, 2012 at 11:23 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Huh. I can only imagine what must’ve caused the Big Bang then.
usingreason
November 27, 2012 at 11:24 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
So the gays make the Sun hard? So the Sun is gay as well? Is Jupiter gay or just bi-curious?
Raging Bee
November 27, 2012 at 11:24 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I’m sure he heard the phrase “mass ejection” and it immediately caused him to think forbidden thoughts, which he then had to sublimate in a hateful religious tirade. It’s really not hard to understand how these sad frustrated loons think.
In fact, they think that the magnitude of the Sun’s explosion is directly proportional to the ‘steaming anger of God’s holy wrath due to gay marriage laws supported by Obama’.
Or maybe the flare represented steaming lust, rather than anger — but a good Christian bigot can’t admit that possibility, can he?
(PS: Steam? In the Sun? That’s probably another unintented reference to his own heat and humidity.)
Raging Bee
November 27, 2012 at 11:27 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
usingreason: Jupiter is a lezbo, dumbass! Haven’t you seen that red spot? Damn but you atheists are dumb.
holytape
November 27, 2012 at 11:30 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Nuclear fusion always sounded gay to me. Same elemental binding! I believe there is a chapter in Leviticus against that godless abomination.
Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)
November 27, 2012 at 11:33 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Somewhere, out there, right now, there is a star falling into a black hole. Is there no limit to The Lord’s wrath over The Gay?
d.c.wilson
November 27, 2012 at 11:34 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Now we know the truth behind the Milky Way.
eric
November 27, 2012 at 11:43 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Wikipedia tells me that CMEs are typically the result of two giant magnetic loops coming together to release energy. Surely a sign of teh ghey, though no erections required. ;)
Trebuchet
November 27, 2012 at 12:11 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Poe’s law applies, in that I can’t tell for sure if it’s satire or real. However,Google is giving me nothing on either the pastor or the church, except a single reference from topekasnews.com, a website advertising itself as “A Progressive Voice For The Free Thinker”. I’m really doubtful on this one. The author is listed as “Sterling Manchester II”. Other stories by him on the website also appear to be satire.
Draken
November 27, 2012 at 12:12 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
…because the sun only ever shines on the USA and not on, say, Iran, Saudi-Arabia and Sudan?
Randomfactor
November 27, 2012 at 12:15 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Pointed AWAY from the earth. Apparently teh ghey are from some OTHER planet. Or possibly the sun’s a sub.
Trebuchet
November 27, 2012 at 12:16 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
From the “about” page of topekasnews.com:
For me, at least, Poe’s law no longer applies. It’s satire.
Raging Bee
November 27, 2012 at 1:10 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Has anyone actually seen these coronal burst thingies? They actually look more excited and happy — dare I say gay? Flaming? — than angry.
zippythepinhead
November 27, 2012 at 1:43 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“Hail to the Sun God.
“He sure is a fun God.
“Ra! Ra! Ra!”
– Unix fortune program
baal
November 27, 2012 at 3:35 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
It’s haaaaaaaawwwt in Topeka.
F [disappearing]
November 27, 2012 at 7:11 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
There must be gays in orbit everywhere around the sun, and well outside the plane of the ecliptic. So, how much gay pervades the vacuum of local space? Scientists, start observing now!
F [disappearing]
November 27, 2012 at 7:12 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
lol
“coronal mass ejaculation’
F [disappearing]
November 27, 2012 at 7:15 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Do Ihit ‘submit’ too soon without thinking?
“coronal mass eructation”
Raging Bee
November 27, 2012 at 7:52 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
There must be gays in orbit everywhere around the sun, and well outside the plane of the ecliptic. So, how much gay pervades the vacuum of local space?
First it’s dark matter, now it’s gay matter? Hopefully the gay matter won’t reproduce…
F [disappearing]
November 27, 2012 at 7:57 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Because the gayvitaional field would be thrown out of wack?
carlsonjok
November 28, 2012 at 7:38 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Trebuchet:
Indeed. I can’t be the only one who can’t seem to find any link to actual playback of the sermon? Surely, I am not the only one who can’t even seem to find any evidence that Topeka Baptist Bible Fellowship Church even exists?
dingojack
November 28, 2012 at 8:00 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
carlsonjok – Pretty sure it’s a poe.
As for Topeka Baptist Bible Fellowship Church, sadly not.
Dingo
bradleybetts
November 28, 2012 at 9:40 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
‘coronal mass erection’ as a result of the gay? So… God’s gay?
birgerjohansson
November 28, 2012 at 10:39 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“So the Sun is flaming for Earth’s hot gay love?”
Readers of “The Authority” graphic novels will recognise the connection with Apollo and The Midnighter. :-)
Trebuchet
November 28, 2012 at 10:56 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
@27, Dingo: Following your link to Google, there are churches with similar names, but not with that specific name.