Charisma magazine has a hilariously idiotic article that says demons can make you gay — not just by possessing you, but by actually having sex with you. Because apparently they think that incubi and succubi are real entities. And apparently, they’re really good in bed too:
The former stripper [Contessa Adams] has a ministry through which she exposes one of Satan’s darkest secrets—sexual demons.
These spiritual rapists, as Adams describes them in her book, Consequences, often prey on people by performing sexual acts through nightmares and erotic dreams. Some people become so dependent upon these demonic experiences that they actually look forward to them.
“Anybody that has been attacked by them will tell you … they’re worried [that] they could not find that pleasure with mortal people,” says Adams, who claims she was once possessed by sexual demons.
The two most identifiable sexual demons are the incubus, which is a male sexual demon that traditionally assaults women, and the succubus, which is a female sexual demon that assaults men. Sometimes they also lure people into homosexual behavior.
Adams notes that one evangelist, whose name she would not divulge, was so troubled by the sexual pleasure the succubus gave her that she even contemplated suicide.
See, they’re not just wet dreams — you’re actually having sex with a demon. I’m so glad I found out.
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whheydt
November 23, 2012 at 12:17 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I think someone has been reading “Pibgorn” (http://www.gocomics.com/pibgorn/) as a ‘how-to’ manual instead of as a comic strip.
Dr X
November 23, 2012 at 12:21 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
At first my incubus was great, but now she wears flannel pajamas and rolls over in bed as if to say “not tonight.”
Christoph Burschka
November 23, 2012 at 12:21 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
So despite their magical gay-making powers, the demons themselves seem to be all heterosexual.
busterggi
November 23, 2012 at 12:29 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
If you’re going to believe in fairies may as well believe in ones that give orgasms instead of smiting.
Rutee Katreya
November 23, 2012 at 12:33 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I too remember my first time with a succubus; and leave it to Christians to get even basic facts wrong! Succubi sleep with women, thus seducing us into lesbianhood, while the Incubus is responsible for the Gay Sex. It’s just *that* good.
Fucking Christian bigots.
Who Knows?
November 23, 2012 at 12:36 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Does anyone know how to get these demons to “attack” you?
Bronze Dog
November 23, 2012 at 12:37 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
And right on the ‘cubi heels will be all the witches cursing people. And you’re obligated to tell the court who else you saw among the witches, so we know who to extract confessions from.
wscott
November 23, 2012 at 12:49 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Wouldn’t be much point in incubi/succubi who were lousy in bed, now would there?
shouldbeworking
November 23, 2012 at 1:07 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Any incubus that was lousy in bed would be selected out of the spirit world’s gene pool.
Shawn Smith
November 23, 2012 at 1:21 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
When are these mother fuckers going to learn that Supernatural is fucking fiction?
thebookofdave
November 23, 2012 at 1:25 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
This must be the punishment described in Romans 1:26-27. God is outsourcing His correctional department! Is there a type of demon responsible for Teh Stupid, or does God regard that as a feature and not a bug?
DaveL
November 23, 2012 at 1:58 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
You know, if I had a nickel for everybody who’s ever complained to me that they can’t find pleasure with mortals… I’d have nothing.
DrewN
November 23, 2012 at 2:03 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Back in the middle ages I always thought incubi & succubi were just a *wink wink, nudge nudge* way to explain away pregnant nuns. Even back then, in the age of superstition and fanaticism, I didn’t think that people really thought sex-demons were real.
To hear about people in the modern world talk about that kind of stuff as though it’s real makes me weep for humanity.
composer99
November 23, 2012 at 2:23 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I wonder if the same people who read this article & agree with its claims would also read & agree with an article that smugly derided Dungeons & Dragons players for taking the game to seriously.
Trebuchet
November 23, 2012 at 2:24 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Thank you, whheydt #1 for mentioning that. And doesn’t Drusilla look hot in her harem pants? She can visit my dreams any time. Unfortunately I just seem to get Oognat.
Olav
November 23, 2012 at 2:28 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
DrewN, #13:
I think the same is true for most religion/mythology. Clearly, it all starts with someone somewhere making up something, so at least they would know for themselves it is not really true. God made the world in six days? Oh, just a story I made up to entertain the folks around the fire last night. But then it gets passed down, becomes tradition, to the point (many generations later) where blood must flow if anyone dares to doubt the holy truth.
Hercules Grytpype-Thynne
November 23, 2012 at 2:41 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Not if you believe this:
Sounds lesbian to me.
Modusoperandi
November 23, 2012 at 3:20 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Something’s gone wrong, like a mix-up at the main desk or something. My demon is a Southern Baptist. Sure, the really big hair and the dress that matches the living room’s curtains are neat, and she can make a meatloaf that makes even the leafiest vegetarians salivate, but now she tells me that she wants to raise the kids Demon Southern Baptist. I really wish we’d sorted things like that out before we had the dream wedding.
caseloweraz
November 23, 2012 at 3:42 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
To my American English sensibilities, these words don’t seem to go together. I imagined a song by the Bonzo Dog Band called “The Incubus and the Outcubus.”
(Actually, their song is “The Intro and the Outro.”)
But I looked up the derivation of the words, and they make perfect sense. Incubus comes from the Latin incubare, “to lie upon;” succubus is Late Latin for harlot, which in turn derives from succubare, “to lie beneath.”
Probably more than you wanted to know…
caseloweraz
November 23, 2012 at 3:45 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Arrgh. S/B “succuba is Late Latin for harlot”.
Unsurprisingly, Wikipedia’s article for succubus is a lot longer than the one for incubus.
John Hinkle
November 23, 2012 at 3:48 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
These demons must only “attack” Christians.
I guess, being an atheist, I’m already damned, so there’s no need for a demon visit.
Such a pity.
John Hinkle
November 23, 2012 at 3:51 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
What? Succubus has a longer “article”? Now things are getting really interesting.
Francisco Bacopa
November 23, 2012 at 4:05 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Yeah, so aggravating when they do everything to turn you on like and then it’s no go. Such mixed signals.
But seriously Doesn’t this dude know the 19th and 20th centuries happened?
anandine
November 23, 2012 at 5:11 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Is “succubus” one word, two, or three?
Midnight Rambler
November 23, 2012 at 5:19 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Hadn’t noticed that before – why does “succubus” have a masculine suffix?
scott
November 23, 2012 at 7:36 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Let’s see if we can make a few bucks getting Malleus Maleficarum into the Christian bookstores. Looks like they’re fixing to need it again.
pacal
November 23, 2012 at 8:31 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Trebuchet says:
“Thank you, whheydt #1 for mentioning that. And doesn’t Drusilla look hot in her harem pants? She can visit my dreams any time. Unfortunately I just seem to get Oognat.”
Drusilla is busy with her brother Caligula. She will get to you has soon has she can.
Winterwind
November 23, 2012 at 8:37 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I’ve been leaving out a saucer of milk each night but I still haven’t been visited by an incubus. Any suggestions? I would have tried brandy but I don’t want to attract my Dad.
Pieter B, FCD
November 23, 2012 at 11:18 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
@ caseloweraz & Midnight Rambler
Wow. Five years of Latin—admittedly 50 years ago—and I’d never noticed either. Miss Gardner must have hit 5000 RPM.
angeliasparrow
November 24, 2012 at 12:02 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Succubus also come from the same root word as succumb.
We Children of Lilith can take the shape the dreamer prefers, male or female, as summoned. Of course, some of us have a rpeference. We were created from our mother’s congress with Asmodeus, the Lord of Lust, and do not simply devour human souls, but also give great pleasure to the wise.
And most of us succubi have better taste than televangelists anyway…
dan4
November 24, 2012 at 12:35 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“…by performing sexual acts through nightmares and erotic dreams.”
Huh? Dreams and nightmares are, by definition, not real…so it’s impossible for “acts” (sexual or otherwise) to be performed through them.
dingojack
November 24, 2012 at 12:51 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Dan – I think they’re thinking of ‘nocturnal emissions’.
Dingo
dan4
November 24, 2012 at 1:34 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
@32…or they read a typical 1980′s horror pulp novel and didn’t know it was fiction.
davem
November 24, 2012 at 12:35 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
There’s so much going on in that sentence, I think I need to lie down in a dark room a while until I can take it all in. Satan’s darkest secret? WTF would he hide this one?
Are they available on the interwebs? ‘cos I’d quite like a test drive of one of them.
It’ll probably come up on QI shortly…
iangould
November 24, 2012 at 1:09 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“Does anyone know how to get these demons to “attack” you?”
Thank you, my thoughts exactly.
If I’m already doomed o hell for that whole “God does not exist” thing I might as well maximize my pleasures while here on Earth.
Alternately, if deathbed/post mortem repentance works, why not pile up the sins before that point/
Draken
November 24, 2012 at 1:26 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
@DrewN:
Back in the middle ages I always thought incubi & succubi were just…
Wait a minute, how old are you? You’re one of them, aren’t you?
martinc
November 25, 2012 at 9:28 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Midnight Rambler @ 25:
Just be glad they’re not often referred to in the accusative … ‘succubum’ would get even more snorts and giggles from schoolboys.