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Nov 10 2012

The Ultimate Obama Conspiracy Theory

Now that Obama has been reelected, we will all be forcibly implanted with an RFID chip that can track all of our movements by March 23, 2013. It’s all in the health care reform bill, you know. Really, it is. Here’s “proof.”

If Romney had won, the RFID chip would have been replaced by mandatory magic underwear. Evidence? Who needs evidence.

40 comments

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  1. 1
    thisisaturingtest

    I got into just this subject with a lady on Media Matters the other day. When someone pointed her to this Snopes article debunking this nonsense, her reply was along the lines of “pffft! You believe everything you read on Snopes? That’s a lib site!” The kicker was- she turned out to be a fundie christian who believed every word of the bible, and was fond of quoting it as backup for her positions.

  2. 2
    Randomfactor

    The chips will actually be implanted ONLY in those who voted for Romney. Ironically, that works out to about…47 percent.

  3. 3
    katie

    I heard this from my mother the other day, complete with “Snopes isn’t always right!” Arg.

  4. 4
    tommykey

    Well, the good thing is that the date is so close, little more than five months away, that it won’t be long before they have to face the fact that it never happened. And then Ted Nugent has just a few weeks more after that to either die or end up in jail.

    Another weird Obama thing I heard one of my cousin’s wingnut relatives spouting was that the Obama administration is going to require us to pay thousands of dollars to have some kind of plaque on the front of our house. I could never find any reference to what he was talking about, even though he swore it was true.

  5. 5
    Ace of Sevens

    Two things: that section he quoted only says that the government will collect data about people who get these implants to see if the improve medical outcomes and RFID tags have a very short range. They can’t be used to track your movements unless the government puts a scanner on both sides of every doorway and bans wide doorways.

  6. 6
    docsarvis

    But Ace, you’re talking reality. Wingnuts do not let reality hinder the beliefs.

  7. 7
    Bronze Dog

    …RFID tags have a very short range. They can’t be used to track your movements unless the government puts a scanner on both sides of every doorway and bans wide doorways.

    I remember that from reading the Snopes page, and one thing that really irritates me are the nuts who talk about satellite tracking. Satellites aren’t magic, and they’re pretty far away. You have to emit a pretty powerful signal to be tracked.

    One related annoyance is that many people don’t know how GPS works, and they seem to think the GPS receiver is transmitting a signal to a satellite that tells them where they are. Just the opposite. The GPS satellites are constantly transmitting the time on their internal clocks, and your receiver calculates your location based on the delay between the various satellites. The satellites never receive anything.

  8. 8
    lofgren

    One related annoyance is that many people don’t know how GPS works, and they seem to think the GPS receiver is transmitting a signal to a satellite that tells them where they are. Just the opposite. The GPS satellites are constantly transmitting the time on their internal clocks, and your receiver calculates your location based on the delay between the various satellites. The satellites never receive anything.

    Well I have to admit that I have been edumacated.

  9. 9
    iangould

    So, not having even announced this program publicly yet, within 5 MONTHS, they’re going to manufacture 300 million+ RFID tags; distibute them; contact 300 million+ Americans about when and where they need to report for implantation and carry out all 300 million+ implantations?

    Have these people noticed how long it takes to vaccinate the elderly against influenza each year?

  10. 10
    parasiteboy

    Scientist use similar devices called “pit tags” to tag fish for mark and recapture studies. In order to read the tags the “pit tag reader” has to be right over the top of the pit tag and even then the first pass may miss it if the tag was implanted to deep or scar tissue has built up around it.

    Sad to say I have been an unknowing accomplice to Obama’s nefarious plans to track all fish all the time:-/

  11. 11
    Modusoperandi

    Ace of Sevens “They can’t be used to track your movements unless the government puts a scanner on both sides of every doorway and bans wide doorways.”
    But that’s in Obamacare too! To decide which ones are covered over, it’s got DOOR PANELS!

    iangould “Have these people noticed how long it takes to vaccinate the elderly against influenza each year?”
    To be fair, some of them put up a pretty good struggle.

  12. 12
    kemist, Dark Lord of the Sith

    They just want Obama to fit their hilarious apocalypsey scenario so badly they make shit up to make reality fit with the bizarro world they live in.

    You know, Obama’s the antichrist, various signs of the end times, rapture coming, ect.

    The RFID chip they fear so much is just their new interpretation of the Maaaark of tha Beeesst [cue scary music] that all people (most dominionist fruitbats seem to think the rest of the world, aka the outside of the USA and possibly Israel, is simply uninhabitated or too freaking weird to think about) must get and that’ll make you belong to the Deeeeevul.

    There are very obvious problems with this “logic”, the most obvious of which is, in their own scenario, the rapture is supposed to have happened before the reign of the antichrist, which makes them as “left behind” and “unsaved” as we wicked heathens are. The others, of course, being related to what an RFID chip can and cannot actually do where locating people is concerned, and that their goddamn cellphones can actually do, right now.

  13. 13
    Lonely Panda, e.s.l.

    My (redneck) brother posted a link to North Dakota legislation that would make it illegal to implant an RFID tag without consent. Since I am a brainwashed liberal, I was already under the impression that the “without consent” part would have been sufficient for this to already be illegal. Silly me.

  14. 14
    raven

    My cat is chipped.

    All I’ve noticed is that it makes her eat a lot.

    Of course, she also ate a lot before she was chipped.

    PS This rumor is tame by fundie standards. Remember someone claiming recently that Obama is run by 50 demons.

    I’m surprised no one has even noticed the flat topped pyramid being build in the White House garden by UFO aliens. For the Aztec priests to do their human sacrifices.

  15. 15
    John Pieret

    So, not having even announced this program publicly yet, within 5 MONTHS, they’re going to manufacture 300 million+ RFID tags; distibute them …

    No problem there. They’re just gonna use the billions of bullets Homeland Security has been buying to shoot ‘em into us … from black helicopters, of course.

  16. 16
    amavra

    I live in South Korea and while on the subway once a Korean man talked with me about the American election and Obama. He said he was glad Obama won, so that now we can get the healthcare chips implanted. He thought it was a fantastic idea. I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. And here I assumed something had gotten lost in translation somewhere…

  17. 17
    abear

    Laugh if you want sheeple, but if you take the correct numerical values for the letters RDIF and OBAMACARE and add them together you get the number 666!

  18. 18
    kemist, Dark Lord of the Sith

    Also, I do live in a country that has public health care (the one north of the USA that religious nuts seem to never know about).

    We carry a damn card.

    A stupid card that doesn’t even have a stupid RFID chip, while both my credit and ATM cards have one. It does have a nice picture of a setting sun on it though.

    It would be great to have a RFID chip on it, for this simple reason: to link to your medical file, anywhere you go, so your doctor always has the latest information on you, i.e., whether you are allergic to penicillin before prescribing anything to you, or whether you have a pacemaker before sending you for an MRI.

    As it is, we have medical files (and hopital cards) more or less spread in every hospital or clinic we go to, with information not always reliably transfered between them. This is just now being belatedly corrected with the implantation of the provincial-level numeric medical file.

    The place where I live serves as a pilot for this thing, and boy does it make walking between different specialists less of a assle – they can access to all your results from their laptops. No more running around to see if the tests have been done, and more importantly, no more results simply lost, as as happened to one of my friends who had to repeat a goddamn coloscopy.

  19. 19
    kemist, Dark Lord of the Sith

    Remember someone claiming recently that Obama is run by 50 demons.

    Somehow I always read that as “Obama is run by 50 deamons.”

    But of course, computers are evil, cause they has deamons. And the sign over a USB port is the sign of the devil, ’cause it sorta looks like a pitchfork, kind of (true religious nut rumor, I kid you not).

  20. 20
    kemist, Dark Lord of the Sith

    Laugh if you want sheeple, but if you take the correct numerical values for the letters RDIF and OBAMACARE and add them together you get the number 666!

    Decimal, octal, or hexadecimal ?

  21. 21
    Randomfactor

    Obama is run by 50 demons

    Sadly, every one of them is a Republican.

  22. 22
    Bronze Dog

    lofgren:

    Well I have to admit that I have been edumacated.

    Glad to be of service. Bonus fun fact: The GPS satellites are in very high orbit and as a result, they move very fast relative to the Earth’s surface. They move fast enough that the theory of relativity comes into play: Their clocks were made to run slightly faster to exactly cancel out the slow down from moving at high speed. Otherwise, their accuracy would steadily degrade as they lose sync with Earth’s clocks.

    The RFID chip they fear so much is just their new interpretation of the Maaaark of tha Beeesst [cue scary music] that all people (most dominionist fruitbats seem to think the rest of the world, aka the outside of the USA and possibly Israel, is simply uninhabitated or too freaking weird to think about) must get and that’ll make you belong to the Deeeeevul.

    I ran into one of those nuts at a comic & card game store I used to visit. Told her that if you put the chip in a person’s hand, 5 minutes on a Game Boy would grind it into dust. She also asserted that it was going to be widespread because apparently some European hipster hangout accepts RFID-based credit, and as we all know, absolutely everything hipsters do will inevitably become mainstream.

    I now suspect it might have actually been about some credit cards with RFID chips in them so you don’t always have to swipe the magnetic strip, rather than implanted on their person. She likely filtered that information through her conspiracy lens.

    Why was she at a comic shop? She was convinced Marvel’s “Secret Invasion” series was how the Illuminati were passing out marching orders to their minions, so she wanted to keep tabs on them.

  23. 23
    Pierce R. Butler

    Bronze Dog @ # 7 & @ 22: So what about the time the Russian military killed a Chechen resistance leader by tracking his mobile phone?

  24. 24
    coleopteron

    @Bronze Dog #22

    So what you’re saying is that Barack Obama – and by extension many, if not all Democrats and associated liberal organisations – are Skrulls? Sent to Earth to destroy America – the one nation capable of preventing invasion, without which Earth would immediately fold like a crummy deck chair?

    If only we’d known prior to the election, I’m sure some people might seriously have considered thinking about possibly deciding to maybe vote for that other guy.

  25. 25
    Rev. BigDumbChimp

    Pierce I did not read that yet but my guess is that was by cell tower tracking.

  26. 26
    Sastra

    Even cards are suspect. I have a wingnut friend who refuses to get one of those grocery cards which they swipe after a purchase to give you discounts and credit for gas. She thinks they’re somehow associated with the Government tracking everyone — in this case, finding out who is going to the grocery store and stocking up on provisions for the coming war against godly patriots. They’ll know you’ve got big cans of vegetables and big sacks of wheat flour in your basement! They’ll know you know!

    Not sure if this is coming from Mormonism or John Birch: she’s both.

  27. 27
    Dalillama, Schmott Guy

    Pierce I did not read that yet but my guess is that was by cell tower tracking.

    Pretty much. The phones don’t send any signals to the GPS Satellites, but they send signals to the towers all the time, and in some cases the phone can be queried via the tower to send the GPS information to a remote party. Even if that’s disabled, you can get a general idea of where a phone is simply by checking which tower it’s connecting through.

  28. 28
    tynk

    @23 “What about the time the Russian military killed a Chechen resistance leader by tracking his mobile phone?”

    Cellphone communication is two way, cell tower triangulation, patience, deduction, and additional data gathering can lead you to a persons habits and movements. Also possible that the cellular connection of the phone was transmitting the GPS coordinates.

  29. 29
    matty1

    My understanding of store cards is similar to the reasons internet purchases are monitored. They can identify individuals (though to a retailer not a government)but this is secondary. What they are really looking for is broad correlations “people who buy A also buy B”, “C sells more on Fridays”, basically stuff that can help them target advertising.

    Anyway you haven’t got near the bottom of the heap of Obama craziness until you’ve discussed his time on Mars.

  30. 30
    Shawn Smith

    Bronze Dog @22,

    Somewhat off topic:

    Bonus fun fact: The GPS satellites are in very high orbit and as a result, they move very fast relative to the Earth’s surface. They move fast enough that the theory of relativity comes into play: Their clocks were made to run slightly faster to exactly cancel out the slow down from moving at high speed. Otherwise, their accuracy would steadily degrade as they lose sync with Earth’s clocks.

    Yes, Special Relativity would indicate the clocks on the GPS satellites are slower than normal, about 8 parts per billion slower. General Relativity on the other hand, points out that because they are in a significantly lower intensity gravitational field (about 10% less), their clocks are actually running faster. I’ve read a probably apocryphal story that some of the programmers didn’t really believe GR was accurate, so they put in some code to correct for the possibility, with a way to switch it from the ground if necessary.

  31. 31
    ArtK

    A couple of little points, since I do some work with RFID. There is technology that can allow you to read passive RFID tags (the kind we’re talking about here) from a fair distance. It doesn’t require portals, either. Just lots of antennas all over the place. It’s cool stuff, but I know the company hasn’t been contacted by the US government to put it into place everywhere by 3/23/2013. If they are contacted, I’ll let you all know — just after I buy every share of stock I can get my hands on. That distance, by the way, is about 1000 feet and have problems with dense materials.

    The other point is about the loyalty cards. There’s a lot of data there and it is tied to your identity. Most markets will give you on-the-spot coupons based on your buying history. One chain in California has a very sophisticated personal discount program, again based on purchase history. The credit card companies have so much data they have to throw a lot of it away; very, very detailed information about your buying patterns. That’s how they identify potential fraud.

  32. 32
    W. Kevin Vicklund

    That distance, by the way, is about 1000 feet and have problems with dense materials.

    So if they get them implanted in their skulls, the wingnuts won’t have anything to worry about.

  33. 33
    chilidog99

    AAARRRRG I hate this thread, now I have a song by the Boomtown Rats running through my head!

  34. 34
    timgueguen

    I’d love to spread a story that Obama isn’t from Kenya, but Wakanda, and see far it would go before the kooks realised Wakianda doesn’t exist. And see how many couldn’t be convinced Wakanda came from Marvel Comics.

  35. 35
    some bastard on the net

    I have a wingnut friend who refuses to get one of those grocery cards which they swipe after a purchase to give you discounts and credit for gas. She thinks they’re somehow associated with the Government tracking everyone — in this case, finding out who is going to the grocery store and stocking up on provisions for the coming war against godly patriots.

    I work customer service at a grocery store, and I hear shit like this all the time (especially since I live in Utah). One customer once called our store-brand items ‘socialist,’ she was actually convinced that it was made by the government and it would immoral to buy it.

    I considered explaining to her that it was actually made by the same companies that make the other stuff she was buying (at a higher price, I might add); but I had already learned how deep the rabbit-hole goes here, and wisely kept my mouth shut.

  36. 36
    some bastard on the net

    Me @ 35

    …would be immoral…

  37. 37
    kemist, Dark Lord of the Sith

    A couple of little points, since I do some work with RFID. There is technology that can allow you to read passive RFID tags (the kind we’re talking about here) from a fair distance. It doesn’t require portals, either. Just lots of antennas all over the place.

    It’s amazing what you can do with arrays of sensors and computing power. There’s a video somewhere showing the test of an array of microphones which can detect phase difference in sound waves. This array uses phase information to separate sounds according to location. In the test, it could clearly separate a conversation between two people inside very noisy stadium.

    She thinks they’re somehow associated with the Government tracking everyone — in this case, finding out who is going to the grocery store and stocking up on provisions for the coming war against godly patriots.

    One thing I would point out to her is that there is absolutely no need for that card to know everything about her and her location, if she so much as gets out of her house to buy things. There are plenty of webcams everywhere to identify people that a highly motivated organization might tap into. Even worse if she has a cellphone, landline, bank account with or without mortgage, connection to an electrical network or a computer connected to the internet.

    And I would add that any organization that has access to such tech plus drones, black helicopters and biological, chemical, nuclear and microwave weapons would laugh their balls off at the puny guns and provisions of her godly patriots.

  38. 38
    Trebuchet

    The company I retired from a couple of years ago, a major defense contractor, has been putting RFID chips in their employee ID badges for quite a while now. When they rolled them out they actually said they were going to be installing antennas in the buildings, as discussed in #31, to see who was where. It made some of us a little nervous.

    The Obamacare implantable device registry, meanwhile, sounds more like it’s intended to keep track of pacemakers and such for problems.

  39. 39
    eddarrell

    Where are they going to get the RFID chips?

    The company that made the chips stopped making them in 2010. Market forces.

    I found this at the website of Positive ID, the company that used to make them; lengthy explanation: http://files.shareholder.com/downloads/ABEA-3Y7P8E/2165722491x0x390842/b885bd17-aca9-492d-becf-661d7af3e820/69263_eprint.pdf

  40. 40
    sceptinurse

    Having worked in the Operating room for many years and then several years where I did a lot of having to track down the implant information for implanted devices I can say that for tracking implanted devices this is a wonderful idea. I had it pounded into me when I was learning to circulate that getting the implant information was crucial. When I started auditing others work on this information I found that much of it isn’t accurate. This would be extremely helpful in keeping track of the information.

    Not sure how helpful it would be for lens implants however.

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