There are few things more amusing to me than this new crop of “prophets” that are affiliated with the New Apostolic Reformation, like Lou Engle and Cindy Jacobs. They’re always going on about God speaking to them in dreams. And James Goll, one of Engle’s co-authors and a fellow “prophet,” says God spoke to him through a baseball game:
I was desperate and seeking the Lord that night in a little hideaway room down in our basement. That night the Lord gave me a vivid dream followed by a waking vision and an experience where the external audible voice of the Lord came to me.
In the dream, I saw the nation on a teeter-totter tipping back and forth going to and fro with great instability. We were going up and down and up and down and it seemed there was no relief in sight. The United States was reeling from fatigue of wars, corruption and economic uncertainty.
Then the voice of the Lord came in the dream, Liberalism will reign for a season in the land and then it will become popular for moderacy to rule, which could ultimately lead to true conservatism. It was not the word I honestly wanted to hear from the Holy Spirit at the time but it came very succinctly to me anyway. Sometimes, we have to remove our own preconceived prejudices with our tainted filters to be able perceive a clear word from the Lord.
Suddenly, I was awakened from the dream and the basement room was tangibly filled with the presence of destiny. I then saw in the seer realm a baseball game in action. A young pitcher was throwing a ball to the plate with great force and seeming agility. It was a curve ball that appears to be a strike but instead it was not a ball for the batter to swing at. Another player was squatted behind the plate with a huge catcher’s mitt. He caught the off-target ball as it pounded into his glove.
Then the external voice of the Lord came to me saying, When the nation has been thrown a curve ball, I will have a man prepared who comes from the state of Michigan and he will have a big mitt capable of catching whatever is thrown his way…
But the Lord said there would be a man prepared who would come from the state of Michigan who would have a big mitt. Little did I know at that time that Mitt Romney, former governor of Massachusetts, was born in the state of Michigan. Little did I know, when I received this in 2008, that he would win his party’s primary for the 2012 national elections!
Come on. That’s comedy gold.
29 comments
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coragyps
November 5, 2012 at 11:43 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Holy shit! I could have done better than that in grade school on LSD!
Doug Little
November 5, 2012 at 11:47 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Someone needs to check that room for hallucinogen’s, or maybe his furnace is not operating correctly and the CO2 concentration is dangerously high.
F
November 5, 2012 at 11:49 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
So, RepubliConservatism is the answer to that? Hilarious.
Taz
November 5, 2012 at 11:52 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I would love to hear this guy announce an actual baseball game.
Doug Little
November 5, 2012 at 11:55 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Definitely sounds like oxygen deprivation, could have been a stroke or mild heart attack. Sounds eerily similar to an NDE?
reverendrodney
November 5, 2012 at 11:56 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“The United States was reeling from fatigue of wars, corruption and economic uncertainty.”
Sounds like the years of Bubba, to me.
reverendrodney
November 5, 2012 at 11:57 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Wait, I mean Bubba Bush!
fifthdentist
November 5, 2012 at 11:59 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Too bad the Lard didn’t then take up his mighty Louisville Slugger of Cluefulness+10 and pound him in the head with it until some reason and sanity seeped into his skull.
Randomfactor
November 5, 2012 at 12:00 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I’m subscribed to one of the major teabagger newsletters, which this morning is predicting a 338-200 EV landslide for Willard. I think they’re not all that far off on the count, but I think they have the winner and loser confused.
Because god hates mitts.
Gregory in Seattle
November 5, 2012 at 12:03 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
In Your Head: Hearing Voices, Psychology Today
Nancy New, Queen of your Regulatory Nightmare
November 5, 2012 at 12:15 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
You know, Oliver Sacks has a new book coming out on hallucinations. Maybe that would help explain it.
I’m looking forward to reading it, regardless.
usingreason
November 5, 2012 at 12:23 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I’ve been saying for weeks that it can’t get any weirder, and being wrong every time, but this has to the peak. That is amazing, no connection to reality at all.
matty1
November 5, 2012 at 12:24 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
What was the Lord doing hiding in his basement?
andrew
November 5, 2012 at 12:25 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
You know, with all these prophetic visions there are these obscure signs and portents that require careful interpretation. You’d think that if a supreme being had a message to convey he could just, you know, convey it. It’s almost as if folks are just having your standard REM/stroke/NDE/confabulation-style hallucinations and reading events into them after the fact.
Sastra
November 5, 2012 at 12:38 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Wait a minute …. doesn’t Ed Brayton live in Michigan? And has anyone looked at the size of his hands? Hands which, I remind you, play poker, a game where you don’t know what cards will be thrown your way?
I think we have found the new Messiah.
All hail Ed, and praise him.
Ed Brayton
November 5, 2012 at 1:08 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Sastra-
And in fact, I have huge hands, big enough that I can’t buy most gloves at a department store. All hail me!
coragyps
November 5, 2012 at 1:27 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
What was the Lord doing hiding in his basement?
We first must determine if there were copies of Playdeity down there…..
slc1
November 5, 2012 at 1:47 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Re Ed Brayton @ #16
Well, you know what they say about guys with big hands.
Didaktylos
November 5, 2012 at 1:55 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Sastra – shame on you: the fact that Ed is actually the Grand Panjandrum Of The Entire Omniverse is supposed to be kept secret.
Pierce R. Butler
November 5, 2012 at 2:04 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
… moderacy …?
Is that like, when style rules?
Modusoperandi
November 5, 2012 at 3:29 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
And then he loaded the ball up with debt using the ball as collateral, paid himself a bonus out of that debt, fired part of the team, and sold it all off for a sizable profit whether or not the ball came unstitched afterwards.
vmanis1
November 5, 2012 at 5:29 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
`But there is no joy in Mudville—the mighty Casey has struck out.’
BTW, once the election is over, is there any chance that the Third Eagle of the Apocalypse will go back to harping on the supposed resemblance of Denver International Airport to male genitalia? That was more fun than his pro-Romney `songs’.
wobert
November 5, 2012 at 6:13 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Suppose he was sitting next to James Earl Jones at the time.
That magnificent laugh comes to mind now.
BrianX
November 6, 2012 at 1:17 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Apophenia. It’s what’s for breakfast, along with a hot dog with mustard, relish, and floor wax. Or is it dessert topping?
Crudely Wrott
November 6, 2012 at 2:50 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Now here’s the wind up and the pitch
Curve ball low and away
Goll swings and misses
Lotta wind, batter, lotta wind
martinc
November 6, 2012 at 3:47 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“And then I suddenly noticed this guy Romney sitting on third base, and arguing with the refs that if he was on third base, he MUST have hit a triple …”
bradleybetts
November 6, 2012 at 11:40 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“a vivid dream followed by a waking vision and an experience where the external audible voice of the Lord came to me.”
He hadn’t been eating any unidentified mushrooms beforehand, had he? Just sayin’…
kantalope
November 19, 2012 at 3:38 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
A whole sermon in baseball term…(flashback visual and music)
And Lo the Lord sayeth to Moses: The bases be loaded and the count full and thou shalt return to thy dugout and proclaim that the golden calf shall not be thy designated hitter for the lord declares the designated hitter an ABOMINATION before Thine eyes.
This shit just writes itself. Amen.
Chaos Engineer
November 20, 2012 at 12:52 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
What part of this is a false prophecy?
At first I thought the “young pitcher” with “seeming agility” was meant to be Obama – but that doesn’t make sense, because the pitcher and catcher are on the same team.
So the pitcher has to be Paul Ryan, which means the curve ball is the Ryan Budget: It started out aimed far to the right of the strike zone, and then curved even further to the right as it approached the plate. Mitt hurled himself to the far right as hard as he could, and just barely managed to catch the ball before it hit the ground.
Meanwhile, the batter (representing the American Voter) just rolled his eyes and didn’t even think about swinging for it. After three more equally bad pitches, he was walked, and twelve more bad pitches to other batters allowed him to score the winning run.
So, yes, Mitt’s team lost, but he put in a pretty impressive performance. Not many catchers would be able to leap to the right so far and so quickly, and that’s what the prophecy is telling us.