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Oct 29 2012

Jacobs Prays Against Hurricane Sandy

As the entire East Coast braces for Hurricane Sandy, which is predicted to do incredible damage, Cindy Jacobs is firing up her prayer warriors to pray away the storm. She even gives her followers some talking points on how to say the proper prayer in such a circumstance:

Prayer Points:

1. Rebuke this storm in Jesus’ name. The authority of the believer is powerful enough to shift weather patterns! (Matthew 17:20)

2. Declare that the Prince of Peace reigns over this hurricane, and that His peace will cause the storm to diminish. (Isaiah 9:6)

3. Pray that this storm will not disrupt our Reformation Day prayer initiatives in the eastern states. (Isaiah 54:17)

4. Pray that the Lord would protect every person on the eastern coast, and that there would be no fatalities or serious injuries. (Psalm 91; It would also be good to declare this passage of scripture over the eastern states.)

5. Worship God for his provision, protection, and peace in the midst of storms. (Psalm 59:16)

So when the storm does do major damage, will she admit that the prayer failed? Of course not. She’ll find some little event or fact to claim credit for. If the storm only does $800 million in damage instead of the $1 billion figure that is projected as possible, she will completely ignore the fact that such an estimate is only a very broad prediction and claim that her prayers saved the country $200 million. If an entire subdivision is destroyed by raging flood waters but one little girl is found alive amid the rubble later, that will be proof of God’s divine intervention. That’s how this sort of thing works, by being impossible to falsify. It’s a perfect force field to protect stupidity from evidence.

32 comments

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  1. 1
    busterggi

    Who does she credit for creating the storm?

  2. 2
    rturpin

    I may have to reconsider the possibility of their god, if the storm disappears by noon.

  3. 3
    Brett McCoy

    Do these people think $DEITY hasn’t already noticed 3 huge storms on a collision course and he/she/it’s going to suddenly take notice when they start praying “Oh, geez, Cindy doesn’t like the hurricane I sent, I better slow it down”

  4. 4
    dingojack

    Perhaps we should tie her to post on the mid New Jersey shore just above the tide-line, I’m sure in that position her prayers will have a fervency that’s sure to turn the storm aside. Besides, god wouldn’t kill his own ‘prayer-warriors’ now would he?
    ‘Oh ye of little faith!’
    ;) Dingo

  5. 5
    Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)

    How impertinent of her to question the Will of the Lord. Surely she should be praying for enlightenment so that she can understand how the inevitable widespread destruction and loss of life and property is a good thing.

    Unless, of course, she thinks the Divine Plan is somehow mistaken?

  6. 6
    dingojack

    Cindi vs. Sandy, which is your money on?
    Dingo

  7. 7
    Dr X

    Regardless of what happens, Jacobs will take credit for things being better than they would have otherwise been and Obama’s handling of the storm shall have been a disgrace.

  8. 8
    schism

    I’m kind of surprised that they aren’t calling the storm’s projected path a sign of the Blood God’s displeasure with Democrats.

    Maybe they’ve wised up slightly and are waiting to see if the projection holds?

  9. 9
    blf

    The three storms weren’t supposed to collide. They were supposed to march in unison across the Pacific singing Onward Xian Stormtroopers and then wipe out the heathen atheist commie gay facist moolsins surrounding the ark.

    (The Great Sky Faerie has problems with geography as well as bad temporal and spacial aim.)

  10. 10
    Sastra

    In addition to the excuses you mention — finding some small comfort and claiming victory — do not forget the Old Standby Excuse: God was using this hurricane in order to punish America because not ENOUGH people were praying. Which means that not enough people were heeding the advice of Cindy Jacobs.

    So either way you look at it — the storm was not so horrible or very horrible indeed — Jacobs is giving good advice. Not only is prayer vindicated, but she’s a role model.

  11. 11
    John Hinkle

    3. Pray that this storm will not disrupt our Reformation Day prayer initiatives in the eastern states.

    They should pray that this prayer they’re about to do in order to pray later works. And then pray that the prayer for the prayer for the Reformation Day prayer goes through.

    I see an infinite regress here. They should concentrate on that.

  12. 12
    Gregory in Seattle

    Prayer: the act of telling the Almighty Creator of the Universe that His plan is wrong.

  13. 13
    dugglebogey

    Along with the oldie but goodie: “Your faith wasn’t strong enough.”

  14. 14
    dingojack

    Republican Convention – anyone remember that?
    Dingo

  15. 15
    thalwen

    I thought this storm was sent by God to punish teh gheys and teh wimmins? Why does Jacobs want to thwart the will of God?

  16. 16
    Randomfactor

    Republican Convention – anyone remember that?

    They didn’t listen to the hurricane, so god sent Clint Eastwood to underscore the message with a second disaster.

  17. 17
    dingojack

    Clint – Chair man of the bawd.
    :( Dingo

  18. 18
    fifthdentist

    For as long as I can remember, each night I have prayed that a giant space serpent does not eat the Earth in the morning.
    You people seen any giant space serepents around?
    Enough said.

  19. 19
    mikmik

    Jesus H. Christ. Prayer is irrelevant; don’t they read their own book?(Rhetorical)

    Ephesians 1:11
    11 also we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to His purpose who works all things after the counsel of His will,

    This:

    1 John 3:20

    20 in whatever our heart condemns us; for God is greater than our heart and knows all things.

    Now, this part is very interesting:

    1 John 3:20
    20 in whatever our heart condemns us; for God is greater than our heart and knows all things.

    So, if they don’t stop the hurricane, I have it on good authority (CARM):
    It would seem, however, that we “influence” God when we are in his will. In other words, if we are walking in the will of God and we ask God for something in prayer, then we are more likely to receive an answer because we are doing what he wants. In contrast, if we are out of the will of God and we ask him for something, he will not give it since it is not in his will. So, if we are walking in the will of God and we pray, we are praying according to his will and our prayers are answered in the affirmative. However, if we are not in his will, they’re not answered in the affirmative. Therefore, the issue isn’t if God answers our prayers, because he does. The issue is whether or not our prayers, and ourselves, are abiding in God’s will so that our prayers will be answered.

    That They Are Not Abiding Christians, But Sinners!

    Cindy Jacobs, your reputation is at stake. Either rturpin @#2 becomes a believer, or you are a heathen fuck. It’s your fault, bitch(sorry, gendered), if the hurricane doesn’t abate! God already knows which, and soon we all will, LOL

  20. 20
    mikmik

    Oops: http://carm.org/prayer-change-gods-mind

  21. 21
    dingojack

    Nuff said!
    :D Dingo

  22. 22
    garnetstar

    No, if prayers don’t work, it’ll be because the storm was sent to rebuke those bastions of Eastern secularist elitist intellectuals and the demonic Obama regime. The Lord has finally had enough of that commie socialist facist Nazi Stalinist ultra-leftist Kenyan Muslim homosexual black man and how he’s destroying God’s country.

    That will be the story if Romney wins, too, a miracle to disrupt Obama’s lead and restore theocracy. Glenn Beck was praying for that, wasn’t he? A miracle?

  23. 23
  24. 24
    tubi

    The damage and destruction to be wrought by this storm is a gift from God. Aborting it would be a circumvention of His will.

  25. 25
    caseloweraz

    The followers of Cindy Jacobs should simply intone this in a loud, firm voice: “In the name of Rhiall, scourge of demons, I command you begone!”

    It would save time and breath, and would work just about as well.

  26. 26
    mfuller

    I say to yOU God spoke to me in a DREAM. He told Me he was angry with republicans for their WAR ON WOMEN and gays. REPENT Romney, repent!

    In seriousness, I wish everyone makes through this safely.

  27. 27
    Artor

    I hope Cindy makes super-extra sure that her prayers are directed against the hurricane properly by wading out into the surf as it comes ashore and pray directly into it. It’s the only way to be sure.

  28. 28
    Crudely Wrott

    Dear Cindy,

    I just learned that two little boys in New York state were crushed to death when a tree, toppled by the wind, crashed into their house.

    Why, dear Cindy, did you not pray correctly? Are you so bereft of godly wisdom and favor that two innocents had to die? Please, dear Cindy, get right with god or die and go to hell!

    Love, CW

    P.S. Your slip is showing. =)

  29. 29
    Crudely Wrott

    P.P.S. Cindy, I just heard that a lady was electrocuted when she stepped into a puddle on her way to safety. Do you not think that she was praying in her heart? Or do you think that she had really hot sex on her mind?

    Please reply, dear Cindy. So many of us hunger to know god’s will and we have no where to turn save for you.

    Trusting, as always, to hear you tell us his will, CW

  30. 30
    mikmik

    “God protects all who ask, in faith.”

    I hear this every day around here. To which I retort, “What about those missionaries that got kidnapped, tortured, and slaughtered ?”

    Their reply? “There you go again, Mike. Never change, do you?”

    “Sure,” I say.

  31. 31
    sailor1031

    Zero out of five isn’t bad!

  32. 32
    democommie

    Using wingnuttian logic, it would appear that since NJ is the place that seems to have been fucked most thoroughly by Sandy, it must have been UT, IA or MS that YHWH was having a fit about.

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