Ellis Washington has another of his frequent columns full of dubious historical references. He likes to invent fake conversations between modern people he disagrees with and ancient philosophers (dialogues in which he puts patently absurd statements into the mouths of his targets), but in his latest one he instead just compares President Obama to the emperor Caligula in the form of “I, Caligula….” and “I, Obama…” The result is as amusingly absurd as you might imagine.
I, Obama, was the product of a vast and enduring conspiracy to hide my radical background but to, nevertheless, embrace those same radical ideals – Islam, Marxism, socialism, progressivism, Malcolm X racial hatred, anti-Americanism. From ages four to nine, I was indoctrinated in Muslim theology at an Indonesian madrassa. I have never recanted or repented from my Muslim faith, and I wear a ring inscribed with the shahada to prove my undying allegiance to Islam.
I, Obama, was shipped back from Indonesia to Hawaii, from ages nine to 18, where three times a week my mother and grandfather arranged for me to be indoctrinated in Marxist/socialist ideology by my real father, Frank Marshall Davis. I have never recanted or repented from my Marxist faith. Like my former chief of staff, now mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel, we are bisexual and members of the uptown Chicago gay bathhouse, “Man’s Country.” My “body man,” Reggie Love, was my best friend, personal assistant and secret lover, until that dark day when Reggie Love forced me to accept his resignation. My marriage to Michelle was a complete sham concocted by Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Jesse Jackson and Valerie Jarrett to deceive the public, make me look normal and cover up my homosexual lifestyle.
Wow, this is the first time I’ve heard someone claim that Obama and Reggie Love were secret lovers. I almost feel like congratulating Washington for having added a new ripple to the festering poll of right wing Obama conspiracy theories.
In conclusion, when history raises depraved tyrants, demagogues and socialists to positions of absolute power – whether they be named Tiberius Caesar, Nero, Caligula or Woodrow Wilson, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Neville Chamberlain, Lyndon Baines Johnson, Bill Clinton or Barack Hussein Obama – all people of good will must summon their courage, repent of their stupidity, rise up, gird up your loins like a man and quickly depose these wicked leaders and restore our constitutional republic.
Bill Clinton? A socialist? If this were an elaborate Poe, it would be funny; the fact that he’s serious makes it even funnier.
33 comments
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democommie
October 17, 2012 at 9:08 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
When Mr. Obama decides that both ends of a horse = one U.S. Congressman, then I’ll worry about the Caligula Connection. As is, the GOP has a lot of 1/2 horses in both houses.
imrryr
October 17, 2012 at 9:11 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Ellis Washington is the worst fan-fiction writer ever.
holytape
October 17, 2012 at 9:12 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
How did poor Neville Chamberlain make the list of “depraved tyrants, demagogues and socialists to positions of absolute power”, when the stand-bys Hitler, Moa and Stalin didn’t? Besides his failed ‘appeasement’ policy, he’s best known for his “Holidays with Pay” Act. Oh, noes! The tyranny of a week off with pay!!!!”
laurentweppe
October 17, 2012 at 9:13 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Well, you see, Ceasar was a member of the roman populist party, which was opposed to the conservative optimates, and Caligula was the great-grandson of Ceasar’s nephewn Augustus, therefore, Ceasar was a socialist and so was Caligula because these things are hereditary, as is written in the Bible… somewhere…
And like Caligula inherited his socialist genome from his great-great-uncle, Obama inherited his socialist-kenyan-atheist-muslim-anti-colonialist-ideology from his father, who probably was a distant descendant of the secret child Nero had with Agrippina anyway, so there.
Gregory in Seattle
October 17, 2012 at 9:17 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
@laurentweppe #4 – Thank you for that explanation; you brought back fond memories of playing Illuminati: New World Order.
“The Boy Sprouts, aided by the Servants of Cthulhu and the Gold Fish Fanciers, will make an attack to destroy the Congressional Wives….”
Raging Bee
October 17, 2012 at 9:19 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
In conclusion, when history raises depraved tyrants, demagogues and socialists to positions of absolute power…
Funny how he doesn’t mention Hitler, Stalin or Pol Pot in his examples.
Larry
October 17, 2012 at 9:28 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
My goodness, we’ve certainly had a number of elected presidents over the last 100 year who somehow developed absolute tyrannical powers before the next elected president took office per normal Constitutional methods.
holytape
October 17, 2012 at 9:32 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I believe I’ve seen a copy of Caligula’s birth certificate that clear states he was from Gaul, with is now know as Kenya.
karmacat
October 17, 2012 at 9:35 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“gird up your loins”?
It would seem that Ellis Washington is rather obsessed with the genital area.
slc1
October 17, 2012 at 9:42 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Rahm Emanuel bisexual? Where the fuck did that come from? Washington is truly a very sick fucktard who belongs in a looney bin, not in the faculty of a university.
Aliasalpha
October 17, 2012 at 9:57 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Interesting that he says they were bisexual rather than gay since the latter is the more immediate trigger to the frothing loonies, if for no reason other than its easier to spell
alanb
October 17, 2012 at 10:05 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
@slc1:
Rahm was a ballet dancer in his younger years. Need I say more?
matty1
October 17, 2012 at 10:11 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
bahrfeldt
October 17, 2012 at 10:11 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Caligula cut the sales tax at Rome in half, celebrating (okay, publicizing) the action on a series of the lowest denomination coins directed at the lower economic classes. Just another commie. The senators (including, or so I’ve been informed, a much younger John McCain) knew better than to criticize.
dingojack
October 17, 2012 at 10:21 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Tiberus Caesar was a socialist?
If you patiently explained to him what that even meant (a few times, he was none too bright) he’d use his absolute power to have all games stopped, all privileges suspended and exile you to some desert island. Plebs be damned! (’cause that’s the kind of socialist he was, no kind).
Dingo
Didaktylos
October 17, 2012 at 10:21 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Robert Graves will be turning in his grave.
matty1
October 17, 2012 at 10:22 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Actually Grampa McCain was already ancient at the time of Caligula, he first entered politics under Ramesses the first and that was only after retiring from a long career as a flint knapper.
Ben P
October 17, 2012 at 10:29 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
There’s also a fairly well known story about Rahm Emmanuel confronting another congressman about a voting issue while they were both in the locker room of the congressional gym or something to that effect.
I don’t think that shows anything sexual, but I think it does show Rahm is ruthless enough to use the fact someone else would be deeply uncomfortable when confronted by a man wearing a towel to his advantage.
that Washington has concocted all sorts of theories about Obama being gay says a lot more about Washington than Obama.
Chiroptera
October 17, 2012 at 10:38 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Bill Clinton? A socialist?
And one with absolute power, no less!
Ben P
October 17, 2012 at 10:41 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I’d only be half joking if I said you fundamentally misunderstand what right wingers mean when they say socialism.
I was in an argument on Volokh the other day (on the thread marking the death of Eric Hobspawm) where someone literally came very close to arguing that the defining characteristic of socialist governments is that they give rise to dictators, and therefore that (a) not only are all socialist governments evil, but (b) dictators are, by their nature, socialist.
I suspect that’s not unlike Ellis Washington’s thinking. You know, A=B therefore A+B=C. Socialism is nothing more than an excuse to allow dictators to seize power. Tiberius Ceaser was a dictator. Therefore Tiberius Ceaser was a socialist.
On a side note, the history major in me really wonders whether Tiberius fits in that list. Of all the ceasers of that line, Tiberius was one of the few that really seemed to not desire power. I also think you’re wrong about his particular intelligence. Tiberius was a gifted military leader in his youth, and that implies, to me, at least being reasonably intelligent. After he had ruled for a stretch of time Tiberious largely began ruling in absentia and left day to day governing to his prefects, Sejanus and SUtorious. Contemporary sources speculate that Tiberius lived a decadant and perverse life in his seclusion.
Caligula on the other hand both showed a huge appetite for power and a volatile personality. Some sources suggest he was none too bright.
I also disagree about him being dumb. Tiberius was an extremely su
Modusoperandi
October 17, 2012 at 10:49 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
The sign in front of Ellis’ office:
Raging Bee
October 17, 2012 at 10:54 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
…I think it does show Rahm is ruthless enough to use the fact someone else would be deeply uncomfortable when confronted by a man wearing a towel to his advantage.
You call that “ruthless?” Have you even read any political news in the last twelve years?
timgueguen
October 17, 2012 at 10:55 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Someone needs to explain to Washington that Muslims aren’t exactly fond of gay people either, so it’s a bit odd that he thinks Obama isn’t straight, yet is a devout Muslim.
dingojack
October 17, 2012 at 11:00 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
BenP – Respectfuly, I suggest you re-read the primary sources, none rate Tiberius as being bright is any sense of the word.
Dingo
Modusoperandi
October 17, 2012 at 11:10 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
dingojack, his autobiography says that everyone thought he was the smartest and the strongest and the bestest ever. You can’t get much closer to the primary source than the source himself.
No, on to read the Trump autobio…
Michael Heath
October 17, 2012 at 11:14 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Ben P writes:
I was struggling to understand Washington’s math which Ed has posted on awhile back; previous to what I quote from you here. Partly because I rarely spend any energy attempting to follow the insane down their rabbit holes unless I conclude it’s a popular train of thought within groups which do us harm. Your illustration here provides perfectly illuminates and points out this train of thought, which I now realize is probably more popular than I suspected.
democommie
October 17, 2012 at 11:26 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Michael Heath:
If only they WERE rabbit holes. I’m afraid that Mr. Washington belongs to that group known taxanomically as homo troglodytus fuckweaselus. Their burrows always have escape hatches every few turns of the tunnel. They’re impossible to pin down and since they swim in their own shit and bile, difficult to poison.
Ace of Sevens
October 17, 2012 at 12:22 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I’ll give him credit for the fact that Frank Marshall Davis really did live in Honolulu for the time frame given and he really did marry Michelle after joining Wright’s church, which makes this closer to reality than many wingnut theories. I was left wondering why, if Obama is bi, does he have a sham wedding? Couldn’t they have found a chick he was into?
Ben P
October 17, 2012 at 1:38 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I recall reading a couple in college, but I also recall that the authors of many of the more common sources had little personal knowledge of Tiberius but were simply recounting popular perceptions of him. Tacitus had a bone to grind with most of the Julians and regarded Tiberius as unjust and criminal, but not stupid that I recall. Suetonius recounted wild debauchery, but more recent scholarship has suggest much of that was taboidish at best and Suetonius had no way of actually knowing what was occuring at Capri other than what popular rumors were. Paterclus is very positive of Tiberius, but was also someone who had hitched his coat tals to the emperor, so he had good reason to be so.
Skip White
October 17, 2012 at 3:24 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Oh, that’s just because Washington was watching the History Channel last week, when they had a night full of Caligula-related stuff. Tomorrow, he’ll be comparing Obama to Chumlee on Pawn Stars.
dan4
October 17, 2012 at 9:00 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Along the same line as tim@23, isn’t it basically contradictory to call Obama a devout Marxist AND a devout Muslim? I’m not an expert on Marxism, but I’m fairly certain that it is an atheistic ideology (after all, Marx famously called religion “the opiate of the masses).
gratch
October 18, 2012 at 3:41 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Is it just me or when you read nonsense like this don’t you think: “If only they’d had twitter and message boards in the days of the founding fathers.” Can you imagine the insane drivel we’d have today about Washington? Or Lincoln?
bradleybetts
October 18, 2012 at 10:23 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Oh where to start… I’ll just go with my three main issues with this article.
1- “I have never recanted or repented from my Marxist faith”? Someone should really point out to this moron that Marxism is a political standpoint, not a faith.
2- Why is it that some people see the middle name “Hussein”, and immediately start screaming “Aaaaaahh!! Muslim!”. Because only Muslims can have an Arabic-sounding name, right? And even if he was a Muslim… so what? I believe your constitution explicitly states that religion has no bearing on eligibility for office, right?
3- “…all people of good will must summon their courage, repent of their stupidity, rise up, gird up your loins like a man and quickly depose these wicked leaders…”
…”gird up your loins”?! I think it’s time this bloke repent of his own stupidity.