Wow. Just when you think disgraced and dishonest former Navy chaplain Gordon Klingenschmitt has hit rock bottom, he grabs a shovel and starts to tunnel. If you give him money, he’ll send you a little booklet he wrote about how he used his “spiritual discernment” to determine that President Obama is controlled by 50 demons.
According to Klingenschmitt’s email alert about his offer, the book “has the power to awaken Church voters!” Among other things, the book examines:
–How to operate in the spiritual gift of discerning of spirits? (read Chapter 1 of the book.)
–Whether it is possible for a self-proclaimed Christian like President Barack H. Obama to be ruled by demons? (read page 29 of the book.)
–What the Bible says about how to see demons? (read p. 39).
–Whether President Obama is personally ruled by 50 demons?All these answers are given specifically, just read Chapters 3 & 4, which apply my own PhD-level theological method to my friend Historian David Barton’s analysis of real-world events from 2009 to 2012.
Okay, “PhD-level theological method” may be the funniest phrase ever uttered. Hilarious. He spells it out specifically:
My new book explains how YOU can receive the gift/ability to see the spirits! Not only that, it reveals 50 hidden demons ruling the heart of the 44th President of the United States, Barack H. Obama.
Am I saying Obama is demon-possessed? No. (see page 12 of the book.)
Am I saying Obama has been ruled, at different times, but up to 50 different evil spirits, as historically proven by his words and deeds? Yes.
The phrase “fucking nuts” seems a bit too mild here.
80 comments
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Larry
October 15, 2012 at 2:14 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Only 50?
Chiroptera
October 15, 2012 at 2:17 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Not only that, it reveals 50 hidden demons ruling the heart of the 44th President of the United States, Barack H. Obama.
You know what this reminds me of? You remember those children puzzle books, and there’d be a picture with lots of swirls and textured patterns, and you’d have to find “10 elves” or something hidden within the patterns?
I imagine Obama wearing something like a paisley shirt, and hidden within the designs are 50 demons. Can you find 50?
bcmystery
October 15, 2012 at 2:18 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I am occasionally ruled by the Demon of Cheetos.
eric
October 15, 2012 at 2:19 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Hmmm…50 demons, 4 years in office. Evidently demons work on approximately 1-month shifts. Its slightly shorter, so maybe they use a lunar calendar.
Anneliese
October 15, 2012 at 2:19 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
See spirits? Yup. There’s a bottle of “spirits” (OK, several bottles) in my kitchen right now. And if I consume a little I might see other spirits. Maybe.
yoav
October 15, 2012 at 2:21 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Is it from the same “university” as Kent Hovind doctorate?
Citing David Barton, a clear sign of someone so far removed from reality he won’t be able to spot it with the Hubble telescope.
As the antichrist isn’t Obama technically the crown prince of hell and therefore the lord of all demons?
Brett McCoy
October 15, 2012 at 2:25 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Only 50? Geez, last time checked I had something like 255 (I think my kernel limits it to that)
Donovan
October 15, 2012 at 2:25 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I’m not nearly so gifted. I can only seem to find 47.
michaelbrew
October 15, 2012 at 2:33 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Fifty demons? That’s five tens! And that’s terrible.
Michael Heath
October 15, 2012 at 2:35 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Ed reports:
Ed concludes:
Well I find myself in a very privileged position relative to President Obama coupled to my wondering if Ed’s conclusion extends to everybody who believes in possession or just those who conjure up a number.
Privileged because when I’ve had a few debates in meat-world, dispassionately countering false assertions with facts, I’ve been told that Satan himself was controlling me. Now given he supposedly has no omnipresent powers, I was very privileged indeed to accept such an honor if I wasn’t in control of my own faculties. The last time this occurred was my arguing that for the country and humanity in general, we should have held our collective nose and voted for Sen. Kerry in 2004.
raven
October 15, 2012 at 2:38 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Klingenschmidtt is a fraud.
I know this because of my world class spiritual discernment abilities.
They are as great as all the Popes, priests, ministers, and Wiccans combined. OTOH, they are also equal to my cat’s.
It’s zero of course.
F
October 15, 2012 at 2:40 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Were these 50 grapefruit demons, or 50 lime demons? This could be important!
raven
October 15, 2012 at 2:47 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Bunch of superstitious idiots.
A Mormon once asked my friend if she was a witch. The evidence for that is that she has a black cat.
No that doesn’t mean she is a witch and commutes to work on a broomstick and turns people into frogs (I wish!!!). It means she lives with a black cat.
dingojack
October 15, 2012 at 2:52 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
50 demons?!?
I think Klingshitt hasn’t considered that important documentary ‘The Manchurian Candidate‘.
What? It’s only fiction?
Don’t tell Klingshitt or he might suffer an unpredictable ‘delusional collapse’.
Dingo
billydee
October 15, 2012 at 2:53 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I wonder why Gordo didn’t do the christian thing and exorcise those demons. Either his spells don’t work on radical communist nazi socialist muslins or he’s talking bullshit.
Gordo recenty received a PhD in theology from Regent University. I wonder who he had to blow to get that.
Tâlib Alttaawiil (طالب التاويل)
October 15, 2012 at 2:57 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“The phrase “fucking nuts” seems a bit too mild here.”
howbout ‘ph.d.-level nuts’?
Strewth
October 15, 2012 at 2:59 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
The idea that I might one day end up that out of touch with reality is truly frightening. One of the reasons I avoid psychotropics other than caffeine and alcohol.
sinned34
October 15, 2012 at 3:15 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
If it had been a white cat, they would have thought your friend was a fellow Mormon.
Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)
October 15, 2012 at 3:17 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
One for every State of the Union!
INSIDIOUS!
Abby Normal
October 15, 2012 at 3:24 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
So he wrote, 50 Shades of Judgment Day?
democommie
October 15, 2012 at 3:27 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
There has to have been enough time elapsed for at least ONE chaplain’s assistant to dish the dirt on Clingstoshit.
coragyps
October 15, 2012 at 3:30 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“Historian David Barton”
That’s enough bullshit to fertilize all the arable land in Namibia right there.
steve oberski
October 15, 2012 at 3:30 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
You know who else uses a lunar calendar ? Muslims, that’s who.
Those must be Islamic daemons controlling Obama.
lordshipmayhem
October 15, 2012 at 3:36 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
There are daemons controlling my computer. However, they’re not the demons the batshit-crazy religious types think they are.
caseloweraz
October 15, 2012 at 3:38 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
GK: “My new book [...] reveals 50 hidden demons ruling the heart of the 44th President of the United States, Barack H. Obama.”
Personally, I would have thought that it would be a serious enough charge for a religious leader to make to charge him with being ruled by one demon. Also it’s logistically more efficient: One demon, one Democrat. Unless Hell has an infinite supply of demons, of course.
(I know — there I go again, applying logic and <gasp> rational discernment…)
Didaktylos
October 15, 2012 at 3:57 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
50 – I work that out as 3 squads of 15 with 5 stand-buys to give 24/7 coverage …
Kevin
October 15, 2012 at 3:58 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Funny. I thought there were 53 Republican Senators.
I guess three of them must be human, after all.
dugglebogey
October 15, 2012 at 4:03 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Personally, I think it’s hilarious that a non-christian such as myself has to remind Christians of Romans 13:1
“Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except by God’s appointment, and the authorities that exist have been instituted by God.”
They’re YOUR fucking rules, start listening to them.
davem
October 15, 2012 at 4:08 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
You’d have thought that the 50th demon would have said to itself “nah, there are already 49 demons controlling him, I’ll see if Romney is unoccupied’.
busterggi
October 15, 2012 at 4:09 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I demand that Klingschmidt produce the birth certificates of those fifty demons.
tbp1
October 15, 2012 at 4:11 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I realize that people can be professionally competent and still kinda crazy in other aspects of their lives. I’ve known several, in fact.
Still, the fact that this guy made it to general before anyone realized he is barking mad is really, really scary. (I felt the same way about Curtis LeMay.)
jba55
October 15, 2012 at 4:19 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
@31: Whoa, he’s no general. I’m almost positive he was a Lieutenant and if I’m not mistaken the officer rank comes with being a chaplain.
kosk11348
October 15, 2012 at 4:24 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Why do I have the feeling that these “demons” will end up having the names of common human traits like Vanity and Pride? And why do I feel like Klingenschmitt’s “PhD-level theological method” will consist of psychoanalyzing Obama from secondhand reports and anecdotes?
“The proof that Demon #38, Immodesty, has taken possession of Obama’s soul can be inferred from this beach vacation photo…”
tbp1
October 15, 2012 at 4:26 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Oops, you’re absolutely right. I was conflating him with Boykin. Apologies.
jba55
October 15, 2012 at 4:34 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
@34: Now that man is another issue entirely. I can’t get my head around his ability to effectively use such a messed up brain.
fastlane
October 15, 2012 at 4:49 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Yes, well, my “spiritual discernment” tells me that Klingonshit is possessed of at least a couple deamons of his own. Among them are the demons of:
- Stupidity
- Ignorance
- Bigotry
- Stupidity
- Hubris
- Stupidity
And a couple of others I don’t have time to look up in my thesaurus…. ;-)
Brownian
October 15, 2012 at 4:52 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
The problem is covered in my book, he said to me
I have explained it all in chapters one through three
And on page fifty-nine, and in the appendices
There must be fifty demons inside Obama
He said it’s really not my habit to promote
My little sermons or the books that I have wrote
But I will do so now, ’cause I want to buy a bigger boat
There must be fifty demons inside Obama, fifty demons inside Obama
Chorus:
There’s that one in his back: Jack; one in his hand: Stan;
One that makes him feel joy: Roy; they count for just three
There’s the one in his pus: Gus; don’t see that one too much
And the one in his knee, Lee: almost too many to see
He said it pains him so to see the States so bad,
With all those slackers getting back the jobs they had
Don’t ask don’t tell, Obamacare, it’s all really just so sad about the fifty demons…
He said We should be voting to elect the Christian right
And I believe in January we’ll begin to see the light
Of burning crosses, and the White House will once again be white
There must be fifty demons inside Obama, fifty demons inside Obama…
Chorus
Winterwind
October 15, 2012 at 5:14 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
50? Aren’t there 535?
WMDKitty (Always growing and learning)
October 15, 2012 at 5:20 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Okay, which one of you slipped the LSD into his coffee?
thalwen
October 15, 2012 at 6:02 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
50 demons? So is that like one per state? And if states do have their own demons, are they like the state demon, like the state flower? And if the states are demonic and we live in the United States… why does this man hate America?
Alas, from the description, I suspect this book is pages and pages of ranting that the most rabid of raccoons could not surpass.
abb3w
October 15, 2012 at 6:05 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
The book is available at Amazon, and has some preview available. I checked the bit on how to see demons (pp 39-40). It references 1 John 4:1-6, and then claims “People who are filled with the spirit of truth agree with the writers of the New Testament. People who are filled with demons of error disagree with the writers of the New Testament.” (emphasis in original) — therefore, since Obama disagrees with Klingenschmitt’s understanding of those writers, Obama must be possessed.
He later starts talking about Ignatius of Loyola’s “Rules for Discerning of Spirits“. The sort of discernment there is about identifying which type, not actually finding them in the first place. At which point it seems to involve the implicit premise that it’s all either angels or demons motivating people.
This is stupid crazy beyond my ability to parse further. I’d suggest a copy of Sagan’s “Demon Haunted World” as an antidote, but those most in need will probably jump to the conclusion that the author simply changed the “t” in his name to a “g” for marketing reasons.
Gvlgeologist, FCD
October 15, 2012 at 6:27 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Brownian, you win today’s Internets.
And a phone call from Paul Simon’s copyright lawyer.
raven
October 15, 2012 at 6:38 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
That about sums it up. My natal church wasn’t much into demons, hell, or satan. Half of all US xians don’t believe in those.
When I hear people talking about demons its like people talking about fairies, elves, leprechauns, or pixies. They are just ancient folklore superstitions, chiefly known today as characters in fairy tales and children’s cartoons. The Dark Ages ended around 700 years ago. I guess they didn’t get the memo or don’t have a calendar.
The fundies really do live in demon haunted darkness. It’s their own invention though.
PS Klingenschmitt is sort of crazy. He was kicked out of the navy chaplain corps. He has also tried to kill Obama and Mikey Weinstein. No kidding. By imprecatory prayer. His superpowers are as good as any other xians judging from his complete failure. Demons 1, Jesus 0 again.
ottod
October 15, 2012 at 7:06 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
50 Demons, discern spirits,PhD-level theological method, and historian David Barton. If I was dealt that hand, I think I’d go all in and try to fill up a royal flush of batshit crazy.
cottonnero
October 15, 2012 at 7:14 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Brownian, you magnificent bastard!
spamamander, internet amphibian
October 15, 2012 at 8:23 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Damnit, now Ed’s commentators will be getting in the “Sex With Brownian” queue, too. The Horde just wasn’t enough…
wholething
October 15, 2012 at 8:42 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I would like to learn more about how to operate in the spiritual gift of distilling of spirits.
Is he sure those demons are not shades? Maybe he is reading 50 Shades of Grey and is getting confused.
jefferylanam
October 15, 2012 at 8:49 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Romney, on the other hand, is running on a version of Unix, so he has 50 daemons controlling him.
dan4
October 15, 2012 at 8:53 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Goodness, least when liberals demonize conservatives, they’re aren’t doing it IN A LITERAL CONTEXT.
democommie
October 15, 2012 at 9:58 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Obama possessed by 50 demons; Gordo ridiculed by 50 commentors. I thinking that Gordo’s gonna have the bigger bruise.
StevoR
October 15, 2012 at 10:13 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Fifty demons for Obama eh?
Guess there’d be :
1) teh Muslim demon,
2) teh atheist demon,
3) teh Socialist demon,
4) teh Communist demon,
5) teh Nazi demon
6) teh Kenyan demon
7) teh anti-American demon
8) teh (whisper) bein’ b-b-bleck demon .. that’s teh wurst o’all!
Hmm .. that’s not even a fifth of ‘em and seems to cover the worst “ground” in relation tohis character already for rethugs.
Am I right?
StevoR
October 15, 2012 at 10:15 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Hence explaining why Obama is simultaneously a MuslimSocialistNaziCommunistAtheistKenyan and that n-word they really want to call him but is too obscene even for them.
StevoR
October 15, 2012 at 10:25 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
The “demons”, of course, are all in Gordo’s own eyes and projections.
Obama is supposedly possessed by 50 demons – he’s been in office already for four years and what have these supposedly evil entities made him do that’s so dreadful?
Offer neighbourly samaritan-like care for the poor and sick ie. Obamacare?
Love his wife and kids without scandal or apparent anomalies?
End DADT so that the US military is stronger and people’ freer to love each other without fear?
End wars and hold off from threatenening further wars?
Take out a decidedly evil man who could be (metaphorically) said to be “demonic” Osama bin laden? (Wonder how many demons Klingenschmitt would see in OBL?)
Y’know if this is demonic possession then it kind a seems that it ain’t such a horrible thing and isn’t teh End o’th’Wurld!
Have the reputation of demons been exaggerated out of all proportion or what?
StevoR
October 15, 2012 at 10:39 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Wait. Unless .. did all 50 demons take Obama over simultaneously during that first debate and explain why he did so bad then?
Did they jump across from Rmoney for a short spell or something?
kantalope
October 15, 2012 at 10:47 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Haha – If you send me the monies I’ll find 51…no 60…100 demons running B. Hussein Obama. Biden? 42 Demons easy. Nancy Pelosi? Obviously a succubus trying to tempt Rush Limbaugh with naughty thoughts! Not only will it be PhD level…it’ll be PhDouble-D analysis.
And if you send the extra money for the extended photo edition I’ll list all the demons ruling Big Bird and Kermit the Frog(sometimes you can see the little wires they use to move his arms). With photos.
Pay Pal and credit cards but no Discover that is the mark of the beast.
I am not a kook!!
Bjarni
October 15, 2012 at 11:19 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Actually, I read that title as “Obama Controlled by 50 lemons”.
Hey – it didn’t make any less sense!
Ing:Intellectual Terrorist "Starting Tonight, People will Whine"
October 15, 2012 at 11:24 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
In a row?
Armored Scrum Object
October 15, 2012 at 11:34 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
@Ing #57: Considering how breathlessly Gordo blathers on about this, my meme of choice was more like:
Barton: Gordo, what does your theological method say about his demon level?
Gordo: It’s over NINE THOUSAAAAAND!
otrame
October 16, 2012 at 12:19 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Now, THAT my friends, is why there is such a long line waiting to have Ghey Secs with Brownian.
dan4
October 16, 2012 at 2:18 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I think I got whiplash from the first two paragraphs of the second block quote from Gordo. How exactly can one have “50 hidden demons ruling” their heart…and yet NOT be “demon-possessed?”
martinc
October 16, 2012 at 2:39 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Donovan @ 8:
Those aren’t demons. Those are chromosomes.
dingojack
October 16, 2012 at 2:54 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
@ martinc – carrying that demonic Darwinian DNA, straight from the pit of H*LL! Bwhahahahahahahaha!
[tinny recording of thunder, cheap camera-flash lightning]
ŏŏ Dingo
equisetum
October 16, 2012 at 2:57 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Obama’s heart is so small that’s all that would fit. You should have seen the demon battles that were fought.
grumpyoldfart
October 16, 2012 at 3:04 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I wonder how many Christians will make the donation which makes them eligible to receive the free pamphlet? Do you reckon they’ll reach double figures?
Markita Lynda—damn misogyny!
October 16, 2012 at 3:17 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Is Klinginshitt going from insanely privileged to downright insane?
DaveL
October 16, 2012 at 6:26 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
There really is only one “PhD-level theological method”, and it’s called “Making Shit Up.”
brucegorton
October 16, 2012 at 6:46 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
My guess is they would be called Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California etc…
eric
October 16, 2012 at 7:20 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Dan4:
You have to buy the book to find out. His crazy doubles as self-promotion/advertising (possibly making this a ‘crazy like a fox’ type of crazy).
birgerjohansson
October 16, 2012 at 7:26 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
bjarni, I read that as “50 lemurs”.
At least that would be plausible: Hollow doll run by tiny wheels and cogs propelled by tiny lemurs.
— — — — — —
Management by committe- no wonder Obama has not yet started to denounce religion.
holytape
October 16, 2012 at 9:49 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Well, Legion isn’t many these days, are they? What is Obama going to say when someone asks who he is in the name of Christ? — “We are Legion, and we could fill a large conference room, but not a lecture hall? ” or “We are Legion, we are many, but not quiet enough to fill an NFL roster.”
fifthdentist
October 16, 2012 at 9:57 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Drats! If only there were 52 demons, it could be parodied to the B-52s song “52 Girls.”
StevoR
October 16, 2012 at 10:33 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
@ ^ fifthdentist : Just wait a while I’m sure the chaplain can
seeinvent a couple more for us..tbp1
October 16, 2012 at 10:35 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
It honestly almost makes me weep that actual grownups (at least by calendar years), people with some influence in certain corners of the world, believe in the existence of demons.
I was doing my occasional surf through the local religious radio stations the other day (I like to see what the opposition is up to) and heard a long bit on the Catholic station about exorcism. Hearing supposed adults drone on and on about who is authorized to perform an exorcism (they made a huge distinction between praying for someone who was demon-possessed and actual exorcism), what circumstances called for an exorcism, etc. etc. made me want to just scream at the radio. I’m sure my blood pressure spiked. These were not stupid people. They were obviously educated, spoke calmly and articulately, made their points clearly…but fundamentally they were telling ghost stories as if they were real.
Sastra
October 16, 2012 at 1:29 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
raven #11 wrote:
More and more, raven’s cat is starting to look like it just may earn my vote.
fastlane
October 16, 2012 at 2:55 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
jefferylanam
If Rmoney were running Unix, he wouldn’t have to reboot so often.
*zing* I’ll be here all week.
Tony •Queer Duck Overlord of The Bronze•
October 17, 2012 at 7:27 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
abb3w:
Knowing that gives me a diabolical thought. Though it would never happen, I’d love to see every comment in this thread listed under the reviews for the book. Imagine the outcry!
WMDKitty (Always growing and learning)
October 17, 2012 at 7:30 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Tony, that’s evil… and sheer genius.
democommie
October 17, 2012 at 9:01 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
“Drats! If only there were 52 demons, it could be parodied to the B-52s song “52 Girls.””
Or 44. “88 Lines About 44 Demons” has a certain lilt to it.
Raging Bee
October 17, 2012 at 11:20 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
The same demons who exert such obvious control over people like Jerry Falwell, Pope Palpadict, Al Qaeda Pat, Mike Hickabee and Rick Santorum? I guess that’s okay — it’s not like any of those demons are Muslims or atheists, right?
Tony •Queer Duck Overlord of The Bronze•
October 17, 2012 at 6:38 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Within Obama, there doth lay
50 Demonic Shades of Grey
To turn us from our Saviors’ way
So that all ‘Merikans embrace the Gay!