I urge you all to read this beautiful essay from a man who was rejected by an old friend because he supports marriage equality and took part in a same-sex wedding for his younger brother. But rather than feeling sorry for himself over it, he realized how much worse it must be for those who are rejected by loved ones because of their sexual orientation.
The situation got me thinking: What if this hadn’t been about my brother’s wedding, but about MY wedding? What if it hadn’t been from a distant friend, but from a beloved family member?
Ouch.
How many millions of gay kids (and adults) have had that exact thing happen to them? How many millions more will in the future?…
If you’re gay, I think that’s wonderful, and I’m truly happy for you. I wish you all the love and joy in the world.
If you’re straight, I think that’s wonderful, and I’m truly happy for you. I wish you all the love and joy in the world. And I charge you, I charge you to imagine the above scenario played out with YOU as the target of rejection. Imagine the people closest to you telling you, essentially, “You are fundamentally flawed and I want nothing to do with you.” Our LGBTQ brothers and sisters face this everyday. Please don’t forget that.
This is exactly how I came to be an ally to the LGBT community, by seeing what so many of my friends have gone through, that terrible pain of being rejected over something so trivial and irrelevant to who they truly are. The idea that my family could or would disown me for such a thing is simply unimaginable to me, but it happens every day to others.
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janiceintoronto
September 8, 2012 at 9:04 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
You’re right. It hurts.
My friend have become my family. They are much more important than my blood relatives.
Unfortunately, social change takes a very long time…
StevoR
September 8, 2012 at 10:01 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Moving.
And what the fuck is wrong with people???
Love is love.
That simple.
Love.
We’re all human.
All bleed.
All laugh.
All cry.
All love.
Can we not fucken see that!?
And empatheise?
No?
StevoR
September 8, 2012 at 10:02 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Sorry about the swearing there .. but fuck!!
Axiomatic no?
You’d think so.
hunter
September 8, 2012 at 10:06 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
I’m having trouble with this statement:
“. . . being rejected over something so trivial and irrelevant to who they truly are.”
I’m not sure what you mean by it — sexual orientation is hardly trivial or irrelevant to who someone is. It’s not all they are, by any means, but it’s certainly an important component of one’s personality, if for no other reason than that it colors your reactions to other people.
As for the essay itself, it’s wonderful, and I hope a learning experience for whoever reads it: “walk a mile in my moccasins,” indeed.
Ed Brayton
September 8, 2012 at 1:12 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
hunter –
I mean that it has nothing to do with the things that really matter to me. I can’t imagine liking or disliking someone on the basis of their sexual orientation. There are many traits I value in a person, none of which have any relation at all to the gender one is attracted to.
magistramarla
September 8, 2012 at 2:19 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Thanks for this post.
I often felt the same way when I was the teacher/mentor for a high school GSA. I saw kids who were rejected by their own parents and were living on the couches of friends until they could graduate. I saw others who lived in fear of their parents finding out and rejecting them before they could move out of the parents’ home. I even saw one poor kid who was “kidnapped” by his parents’ church group and sent to one of those “repair the gay” camps. He spent his senior year hanging out with the godbots and rejected his old friends. I often wonder how the poor young man is doing now, and just how confused he must feel.
I loved those kids, and tried to mother them as much as I could.
I often thought that their parents were missing out on knowing and loving the wonderful people that their children really were.
They are the reason that I fight for marriage equality.
'smee
September 8, 2012 at 3:11 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Marriage equality is all about one word: equality!
If you are against equality*, then you are (a) a fascist, power mongering fuckwit; (b) a mindless authoritarian drone in thrall to group [a]; or (c) a fear-addled sad sack who needs help and counselling…
I have met very few C’s in my time. Fuck-tons of A’s & B’s
* I’ve noticed that those against equality in one form tend to be against it in most forms…
Konradius
September 8, 2012 at 5:32 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
@Hunter
You’re confused about what is deemed trivial.
What is trivial is not the ability to love.
What is trivial is whether the general category of people you fall in love with is the same or a different sex as yours.
The only reason this is not trivial in our society is because of bigots.
Don’t buy into their mindset! The difference is irrelevant, and therefore trivial.
Michael Heath
September 8, 2012 at 5:36 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
The Baptist preacher abandoning his friend illustrates the weakness and fear which conservative Christians demonstrate as a defining attribute. A condition which requires these Christians to remain determinedly ignorant in order to not risk cognitive dissonance where it’s their premises which are shown to be false and therefore must be protected with ignorance and denial.
This failure of character by this Baptist preacher reminds me of how the Bible describes God as so weak, he can’t withstand what good humans do all the time, which is to confront and deal with evil. Where God’s so holy he can’t be in the presence of “sin”; which Christians promote as a feature when it’s instead an obvious bug when we consider the finest behavior of humans.
In the case of these two brothers, it’s not a perfect corollary because it is authentic love that the preacher can’t abide. His religion instead demands a standard where the height of human love is rooted in the fear of an undetected god where if you don’t childishly and slavishly submit you’ll suffer for all infinity. A love which demands faith in that for which there is no evidence and is logically incoherent rather than command the strength to concede the inconvenient facts of reality and respond in a objectively moral manner towards others which minimizes their suffering and enhances their joy – even when that’s uncomfortable.
In the case of the preacher I find his behavior illustrative of what it is to be a conservative Christian, even if many of them wouldn’t do what this preacher does here. Precisely because they’re practicing the same behavior in general with how they believe, practice their religion, in how they indoctrinate children, and how they vote.
Azkyroth, Former Growing Toaster Oven
September 9, 2012 at 12:18 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
*face fucking palm*
Markita Lynda—damn climate change!
September 9, 2012 at 2:15 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
25 – 40% of homeless youths are gay (low end average U.S., high end Mormon Utah). One guess as to how they became homeless.
hunter
September 9, 2012 at 6:36 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Ed Brayton @ #5:
OK — I see what you meant. Thanks. In that vein, this comment about the film ParaNorman is illustrative of the mindset we’re talking about:
To which my response is “WTF?”
Konradius:
Sorry — apparently I didn’t make myself clear: what’s not trivial is the fact that who one loves — one’s sexual orientation — is a fundamental aspect of one’s personality. It’s going to affect one’s responses to other people, for starters — a gay man is not going to react to women the same way a straight man does, for example — which has a reciprocal effect in coloring how others respond. That has a lot to do, over the years, with shaping who you are.
On another level, what’s important are the commonalities — we are all, when it comes down to it, human. And to bring it full circle, I notice more young men in their 20s who are happily settled in with boyfriends and thinking about getting married, just like their straight peers. Forty years ago, that wasn’t an option. (Oh, you could find a boyfriend and try to make it work, but no one took you seriously, which only made it harder.)
Quodlibet
September 9, 2012 at 9:09 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
This breaks my heart.
I’ve always told my daughter (now 19) that our home is open to any of her friends who need a safe haven if their families, friends, churches reject them. It was a real problem in our suburban town when she was in high school. (She’s at a liberal college now, with a diverse, accepting community – a wonderful place for young people.)
In my own family it’s a sad story. One of my nieces was loved by everyone until the day she came out as a lesbian. Bingo! In an instant, she went from being the favorite niece to being disgusting pervert. (She and her partner were one of the first couples to marry in Massachusetts.) That sad episode is one reason why I rarely see my brothers and sisters anymore. That and their overweening christianity, bigotry, tea-party-ishness, etc. UGH. I am ashamed of my family.
My real family now is my community of friends. They are nice people who are kind and thoughtful and rational. ‘Nuff said.
I stole a bike from the Second Mile
September 17, 2012 at 3:19 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
[...] to the Catholic church and its moral teachings. And it should do so.”“I charge you to imagine the above scenario played out with you as the target of rejection.”“The Gospel is inclusion into the fold of God, and we are to bring such [...]