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Sep 07 2012

Joyner: Prayer Restores Limbs

Cindy Jacobs isn’t the only one claiming astonishing powers to heal people. Her fellow loony Rick Joyner claims that prayer actually regrew a limb — until those praying apparently got “distracted” and it didn’t grow all the way back. All of this is offered with no evidence whatsoever, of course, but one has to ask: Why didn’t they just restart the prayer and finish the job?

25 comments

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  1. 1
    Marcus Ranum

    Uh, oh! Sounds like JREF is going to lose their $1million challenge.

    Or maybe not.

  2. 2
    blf

    Why didn’t they just restart the prayer and finish the job?

    Frequent preying is needed to maintain the body’s defenses against Reality Cooties. If the defenses are allowed to weaken, a Reality Cootie can sneak in, causing chaos. Once that happens, you might stop paying your tithes, or not send a child to the priests, or maybe even try to consider the possibility of forming a question for the authorities. No amount of re-preying can totally counter such aberrations or fully reestablish the defenses, which is why a carpenter’s son was tortured to death (obviously!). And as a side-effect, there’s insufficient magic juice left to even try doing anything else, like finishing regrowing the limb.

    It’s simple, see? Keep the Reality Cooties away!! Then it all works!!!

  3. 3
    d cwilson

    Obviously, there can be only one explanation:

    Lizard People!

    Where’s Spider-Man when you need him?

  4. 4
    Aliasalpha

    People are so unsophisticated… It’s not LITERAL limbs, the prayer restores the spiritual limb so you don’t need a spectral peg leg in heaven because god loves dressing up as a pirate and hates it when someone beats him by having an actual (though spectral) peg leg. That’s why parrots don’t go to heaven, god knows that a real parrot would impress everyone far more than archangel gabriel in a gaudily repainted chicken costume.

  5. 5
    Tabby Lavalamp

    That’s an interesting god he believes in. It’s one thing for human beings doing the praying to get distracted, but once they stop, their deity loses all interest and moves onto other things?

  6. 6
    Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)

    It’s Epicurus all over again.

    Why isn’t he out healing people with the power of prayer right now?

    If he’s willing but not able, he’s a liar.
    If he’s able but not willing, he’s immoral.
    If he’s neither able nor willing, he’s… well… a liar again.

  7. 7
    anubisprime

    Thing is out in the world there will be dumbfucks that will actually buy every single word…because it fits in so nicely to their own delusional brain farts!

    The retarded cretins that make up these bogus claims know that very well…that is why they make them.
    Homemade bollix pie tastes like horseshit…but advertise ‘apple’ and you have customers regardless…simples!

  8. 8
    baal

    So um, when are they going to do the moral thing and replace all the limbs of the vets and others who may want them back?

  9. 9
    John Pieret

    That’s an interesting god he believes in. It’s one thing for human beings doing the praying to get distracted, but once they stop, their deity loses all interest and moves onto other things?

    Hey! God has to keep making new stars, new planets, new species, new … well everything; he has to direct hurricanes and tsunamis hither and yon; he has to decide who is going to die every minute and then judge whether or not they go to hell … he’s a busy, busy infinite being and if you folks can’t keep your concentration long enough to deal with your piddling little concerns, you can’t expect him to!

  10. 10
    Vitreous Humour

    @anubisprime

    Regarding the “retarded”: there is no need to resort to ableist slurs to condemn fraudsters targeting people with disabilities.

  11. 11
    tommykey

    Joyner is like the Gilderoy Lockhart of Christianity.

    “I would have been able to cure that affliction with prayer if only [insert excuse].

  12. 12
    Ida Know

    Why didn’t they just restart the prayer and finish the job?

    Who could possibly get “distracted” in the middle of someone’s limb being regrown? If I were there, I’d be all agog with amazement and wouldn’t even hear the interruption. I’d be recording it with my cell phone, and then I’d send the video to CNN.

    Why didn’t God finish regrowing the limb regardless of the prayer being interrupted? Surely he had got the gist.

    Why does God need people to beg and plead and bow and scrape in order to convince him to do something nice for somebody, like regrow their limb?

    Why did God allow/cause the limb to be lost in the first place?

    Et cetera…

  13. 13
    Marcus Ranum

    If he could really do it, he would table-saw his hand off, and do a youtube video of him praying it back. Think how much money he could make! Or, alternatively, he could be as great a healer as jesus!

    “I’ll tell you, if someone can heal, they’ve got a new full-time job, people. They’d be following jesus into the bathroom going, ‘where is he? where’s the guy with the gift?’” – Sam Kinison

  14. 14
    Gregory in Seattle

    Apparently, the Almighty Creator of the Universe (TM) is utterly powerless without mere mortals constantly pestering Him. If they get distracted, then God forgets what He was doing and just wanders away mid-job. One would think he had Alzheimer’s or something.

  15. 15
    Modusoperandi

    “Rick Joyner claims that prayer actually regrew a limb — until those praying apparently got ‘distracted’ and it didn’t grow all the way back.”

    It gets worse than that. To make up for it, on the next limb they prayed too long.

  16. 16
    tewhy

    If they get distracted, then God forgets what He was doing and just wanders away mid-job. One would think he had Alzheimer’s or something.

    Fits the evidence, doesn’t it? In his teen-billions, but on a rough day still thinks he’s in his thousands…

  17. 17
    anubisprime

    Vitreous Humour @ 10

    I take your point and stand corrected…..but now am at a loss…what term can be safely used to describe and proscribe the absolute buffoons that invent facetious twaddle and peddle it as jeebus crud?

    I mean these folk are not exactly forward or advanced in their knowledge and thinking process…rather very backward and self instigated dumb…retarded does seem to fit in general terms but I take the point that usage in this context can be regarded as an insult to many that have real difficulties…then again these jeebus soaked eejits do indeed have..ahem real difficulties in integrity, honesty and mental capacity.

    It is a poser methinks!

  18. 18
    zippythepinhead

    And if prayer doesn’t work, try Lee Press-On Limbs:

  19. 19
    eric

    Why didn’t they just restart the prayer and finish the job?

    They are waiting for you, Ed, to send in your donation. For the low low price of just a few thousand pennies a day, you can give these poor preachers the support they need so that they can finish their work. Just pick up the phone. Our representatives are standing by.

  20. 20
    Sastra

    Ida Know #12 wrote:

    Who could possibly get “distracted” in the middle of someone’s limb being regrown? If I were there, I’d be all agog with amazement and wouldn’t even hear the interruption. I’d be recording it with my cell phone, and then I’d send the video to CNN.

    This point reminded me of those people who claim to have been abducted by space aliens — space aliens who surgically placed technological implants into them which they later coughed up (or sneezed out) right into their own hands! Proof! Physical proof!

    When asked whether scientists might examine these rare and amazing extraterrestrial objects, the abductees vaguely reply that well, no, they threw them out – but they did have them!

    Uh huh.

    Modusoperandi #15 wrote:

    It gets worse than that. To make up for it, on the next limb they prayed too long.

    For making me laugh, I give you that part of the internet which is mine to give.

  21. 21
    Ace of Sevens

    I grew up Pentecostal. Pretty much all meetings focusing on miracles contained stories of things far more miraculous than you would witness there. For instance, if they were focusing on speakign in tongues, they’d tell about a missionary who suddenly gained the ability to speak Spanish with no training. If they were healing someone who had a vague backache, they’d tell about someone who was paralyzed and just got out of their wheelchair and start walking and so on.

  22. 22
    grasshopper

    I was praying for a uni-dexter paralympian in the middle of the 100 meter sprint finals when I thought “OMFG — if God heals him in the middle of the race he will have to forfeit his gold medal!” so I stopped praying …. will try again next week.

  23. 23
    Vitreous Humour

    @anubisprime

    I’m sorry I couldn’t reply to your second comment earlier.

    Really, you don’t need to use ‘retarded’ to insult people. You were able to come up with plenty of alternate descriptors such as ‘absolute buffoon’. It’s not hard at all to insult people for being assholes without smearing innocent people via splash damage, and there is really no excuse for it.

    Most of the televangelists who pull these stunts about claiming to heal the sick are callous, calculating manipulators who know they can successfully bilk people out of their money by appealing to their desperation rather than bumbling naifs who honestly think they can help people. Their motives and methods have nothing to do with intellectually disabling conditions such as Down Syndrome.

  24. 24
    sunsangnim

    Is this the new Republican health care plan?

  25. 25
    Modusoperandi

    sunsangnim “Is this the new Republican health care plan?”
    Not if the government is involved. Then it’s socialism*.

    * SOCIALISM!!!

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