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Sep 06 2012

Chuck Norris’ ‘Dire Warning’

Okay, folks. This is serious. Chuck Norris and his equally vapid wife have a “dire warning” for America. If we don’t throw Obama out of office and elect Mitt Romney president, life as we know it in this country will end. Dogs and cats, living together. Mass hysteria.

Chuck Norris Fact No. 39: “Chuck Norris stared evil in the eye and it went into hiding.”

America’s favorite action star is doing just that this election – calling on evangelical Christians across the nation to join him in crushing the creep of socialism under President Obama.

Norris and his wife, Gena, have filmed a public service announcement, unveiled exclusively at WND, wherein the two urge Christians to help save the country in November.

“We are here to talk about a growing concern we all share,” Chuck Norris explains. “If we look to history, our great country and freedom are under attack. We’re at a tipping point and, quite possibly, our country as we know it may be lost forever if we don’t change the course in which our country is headed.”

Chuck Norris fact No. 1: He’s a moron. The funniest line is when he says if Obama is reelected it will lead to “1,000 years of darkness.”

46 comments

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  1. 1
    Randomfactor

    He meant to say “darkies,” I’m sure. Cut the guy some slack, he’s taken countless boots-to-the-head.

  2. 2
    Dexeron

    Conservatives are already jumping all over this, and the fact that the “1000 years of darkness” bit was part of a larger Reagan quote his wife was repeating.

    Cause you know, as long as you don’t explicitly say the words “Obama’s re-election will lead to 1000 years of darkness”, it’s ok that you only IMPLIED that. Because Saint Ronaldus Maximus. Or something.

  3. 3
    Quodlibet

    Well of course life “as we know it” will change. Because of, you know, time, and stuff.

  4. 4
    dingojack

    “1000 years of darkness”.

    And alternative is what? The ‘Thousand Year Reich’?

    (Yep Godwinned in the top few comments – beat that!)

    Dingo

  5. 5
    Who Knows?

    Never understood, or cared for the Chuck Norris memes. Never gave a fuck about Chuck Norris either.

  6. 6
    Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)

    To the right-wing, the deepest, darkest threat to America they can imagine is a slightly-right-of-center President?

  7. 7
    criticaldragon1177

    Ed Brayton,

    I saw this. Chuck Norris is a joke. Seriously, he wants to experience utter darkness in a socialist hell hole? Send him to North Korea and make him live under whoever the new despot is who’s running that place.

  8. 8
    billyeager

    Dogs and cats, living together.

    My cats get on fine with my dogs. Does this mean I am the Anti-Christ?

    I guess, well, *technically*, what with being an Atheist n’ all, I am anti-religion so that might qualify as being *an* Anti-Christ, as opposed to being *the* Anti-Christ.

    Any other Atheists find that their felines cohabit peacefully with their canines?

  9. 9
    richardelguru

    Damn you dingojack, you got there ahead of me again (‘course mine would have been way better :-) )

  10. 10
    microraptor

    I had a Siamese and a yellow lab who were best friends that ate together, played together, and slept together when I was in high school, does that count?

  11. 11
    anteprepro

    Chuck Norris Fact 0: Chuck Norris once put his head so far up his own ass that he was instantly given a column at WND.

    Chuck Norris Fact -1: Chuck Norris’s punches are so powerful that he used them to punch a hole between dimensions and travel to our reality, from a reality where his politics aren’t nonsensical and atrocious.

  12. 12
    pough

    If we look to history, our great country and freedom are under attack.

    Stop looking to history. Problem solved.

  13. 13
    dingojack

    richardelguru – oh yes? Why get so distressed? Did I happen to mention I’m impressed?

    microraptor – “…and slept together when I was in high school…”
    Did you go to high school at night, or did they wait until you had left before ‘knowing’ each other?

    ;) Dingo

  14. 14
    Akira MacKenzie

    “…life as we know it in this country will end.”

    Really? You mean America will no longer be populated and run by greedy, supersticious, bigots motivated by racism, sexism, homophobia, and the need to flaunt our military supremacy at any smaller, weaker, and less-Caucasian-populated regions of the world who don’t kiss our asses (e.g. Iraq, Afganistan, Iran, etc.)?

    GOOD! It’s about time, though I think Chuckie is giving way to much credit to Barry and his fellow Center-Right invertebrates in the Democratic Party.

  15. 15
    Akira MacKenzie

    Edit: …way too much credit…

  16. 16
    StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return!

    The funniest line is when he says if Obama is reelected it will lead to “1,000 years of darkness.”

    Well, that’s called night time Chuck and it will happen every 12 hours or so depending on the season and date and latitude.

    Or is he implying that Obama has some nefarious plan to get the Earth’s rotation tidally locked to our Sun like our Moon is with our globe with the Americas on the Far side and thus my nation of Australia on the permanently Sun facing side?

  17. 17
    pHred

    Where is the giant Twinkie ? I want the giant Twinkie to appear!
    Or wait – does Chuck Norris count ?
    .

    (Oh just great – now I have the music from the movie stuck in my head)

  18. 18
    StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return!

    @8. billyeager asked :

    Any other Atheists find that their felines cohabit peacefully with their canines?

    Yep. The Jack Russell x Fox terrier and black tortoiseshell felis domesticus that own me get on together just fine.

  19. 19
    Bronze Dog

    The fear factor in wingnut rhetoric has really gotten surreal. 1,000 years of darkness? We’re up to bad fantasy tropes.

    Obama may be a net negative in my view, but at least I can see some positives. Republicans haven’t been able to convince me that there’s anything good about them.

  20. 20
    feralboy12

    “1000 years of darkness”.

    And alternative is what? The ‘Thousand Year Reich’?

    George H.W. Bush’s “thousand points of light,” of course.
    Although judging by his failed re-election bid, I’d say the lights didn’t provide a lot of illumination.

  21. 21
    Marcus Ranum

    He mistook “good guys wear black” for a documentary, apparently.

  22. 22
    Mr Ed

    I’m guessing that the 1,000 years of darkness means that Chuck is going to be in Ghostbusters III.

  23. 23
    Akira MacKenzie

    We’ve owned five Brittanys and four cats, and there has never has been any “serious” trouble between them. Our current Brit, Duke, loves his two feline roommates, Fred and Victor, and constantly wants to play with them. Victor, the friendlier of the two cats, will rub his face on Duke, let him lick his ears, and will even nap with him.

    Fred, on the other hand, doesn’t trust Duke. Fred will start growling and hissing if Duke gets too close. Duke interprets this behavior as playful and continues to chase after Fred and to attempt to get him to play which leads to more hissing and caterwauling. This is odd, because Fred had no problems at all with our previous Brit, Kate.

  24. 24
    d cwilson

    Well, that’s called night time Chuck and it will happen every 12 hours or so depending on the season and date and latitude.

    There is no night. There is only Chuck Norris punching out the Sun. And if Obama is re-elected, Chuck Norris will be so angry, the Sun will hide from him for 1,000 years.

    Chuck Norris Fact -1: Chuck Norris’s punches are so powerful that he used them to punch a hole between dimensions and travel to our reality, from a reality where his politics aren’t nonsensical and atrocious.

    Chuck Norris is Superboy Prime!

    Extra geek points for anyone who gets that reference.

  25. 25
    baal

    As a really pale American (not albino but I make Chuck look dark), who avoids the sun like the plague (I’ve tried the sun, it only burns me), I welcome 1,000 years of darkness (science & engineering makes vitamin D in nice little gelcaps).

  26. 26
    footface

    Actual Question Alert:

    I know that racism motivates an awful lot of the right wing’s fear and hatred of Obama. But is it really 100% racism? All this talk about Obama destroying America and 1,000 years of darkness… What the hell are they talking about?

    I can see not liking—or even fearing, I guess—this or that policy. But if Obama were white, is it possible people would still say that, for instance, outlawing insurance exclusions based on pre-existing conditions was evil and the first step toward a USSR-style dystopia? Obama hasn’t been shy about using the military, but the right tends to like that. He wants to shift more of the tax burden to the super-rich, but most people who vote Republican aren’t super-rich.

    Right-wingers genuinely baffle me. I just don’t get what they’re afraid of.

    So, is it all about race?

  27. 27
    microraptor

    Did you go to high school at night, or did they wait until you had left before ‘knowing’ each other?

    Laugh all you want, but the picture I’ve got of the dog asleep with the kitten sleeping on his head is incredibly cute.

  28. 28
    Chiroptera

    footface, #26: But is it really 100% racism?

    It’s probably not even mostly racism; see the insane and repulsive attacks on white women advocating for reproductive health care, for example. And I distinctly remember that there were the same shrill attacks on Clinton and the same obstacles-for-the-sake-of-obstacles in Congress at that time. And White Water and the impeachment proceedings.

    However, race is a factor, I think, that increases the fear, and it certainly gives them more code words to use in their polemics.

  29. 29
    uncephalized

    Any other Atheists find that their felines cohabit peacefully with their canines?

    Yup. 2 felines and one canine in our household. One cat is buddies with the dog and one puts up with him and vice versa, at least the majority of the time. Some growling and hissing are not unheard-of but mostly they are pretty tolerant.

  30. 30
    Raging Bee

    Chuck Norris wasn’t even interesting in “The Expendables II” and he’s sure as hell not interesting in politics either. Just one more has-been embracing bigotry, insanity and scapegoating when he becomes obsolete and his fame and career come to an end.

    And that “thousand years of darkness?” That’s probably a reference to his brand of “culture” and “entertainment” going out of style and losing their spotlight.

  31. 31
    microraptor

    Wait, are you implying that there was a point in time when Chuck Norris was interesting?

  32. 32
    caseloweraz

    Perhaps when Bruce Lee beat him up in The Game of Death?

  33. 33
    tbp1

    As someone, somewhere, said about him: He didn’t need a fight double, but an acting double would have been helpful.

  34. 34
    No One

    That’s Carlos Norris. If I remember correctly his original Black Belt number was 2128 (Tang Soo Do, Moo Duk Kwan). He pretty much flew off the handle when President Clinton didn’t show interest (That President George W Bush did) his “Kickstart” program.

  35. 35
    gshelley

    But he can no longer sit quietly or stand on the sidelines
    So, we might expect more of this. He might even start writing for the World Nut Daily

  36. 36
    Worldtraveller

    He meant to say “darkies,” I’m sure. Cut the guy some slack, he’s taken countless boots-to-the-head.

    Lies!! Lies, I say!

    That was Chuckie inflicting damage to his oppponents’ feet with his cranium!

    You know how hard one’s head has to be to believe the shit he spews?

  37. 37
    kermit.

    Marcus Ranum says: He mistook “good guys wear black” for a documentary, apparently.

    Was that the one where his character beat up the house-invading terrorists, threw their machine guns on the floor, then ran into the next room to beat up some more with his fists?

    Chuck: We’re at a tipping point and, quite possibly, our country as we know it may be lost forever if we don’t change the course in which our country is headed.

    Sounds like he’s talking about progress.

  38. 38
    bones

    How will we KNOW that 1000 years of darkness is starting?

  39. 39
    democommie

    “Dogs and cats, living together.”; not news.

    Pittens or kuppies resulting from such liaisons; THAT would be news.

    “I had a Siamese and a yellow lab who were best friends that ate together, played together, and slept together when I was in high school, does that count?”

    Just one question. Were they both males? cuz, y’know.

  40. 40
    shoeguy

    He has the same problem St. Ronnie had, the hair dye soaks through to the brain and it’s all down hill from there.

  41. 41
    blf

    In The Grauniad, there’s a hilarious take on both Norris and Eastwood, Clint Eastwood lambasted President Obamachair and Chuck Norris warned of 1,000 years of socialism. Here’s some of the Norris bits:

    … Chuck and his wife Gena stand hand in hand inside a karate dojo and beg 30 million non-voting evangelical Christians to cast their ballots against Obama in the upcoming election, lest America fall into the evil grip of “socialism … or something much worse”.

    Chuck doesn’t specify what this “something much worse” is, although one would expect it is either a world where the Chuck Norris Action Jean was never invented, or a world where the US is governed by an immobile yet oddly profane barstool and its dishevelled, confused-looking translator. …

  42. 42
    Ichthyic

    America’s favorite action star

    ??

    when was this? Chuck has always been the b-grade action star.

  43. 43
    Ichthyic

    If we look to history, our great country and freedom are under attack.

    I think he’s having flashbacks to war movies he watched too much of as a kid.

  44. 44
    Forbidden Snowflake

    As somebody on Twitter put it, “I’m voting for the guy Chuck Norris is scared of!”

  45. 45
    democommie

    “I think he’s having flashbacks to war movies he watched too much of as a kid.”

    I’m thinking it’s the ones he participated in* as an adult**.

    * “Acting” is WAY too strong a word for what he did in them flicks.

    ** “Adult” assumed to mean having reached optimal physical develpmental levels and the ability to sperminate.

  46. 46
    microraptor

    As somebody on Twitter put it, “I’m voting for the guy Chuck Norris is scared of!”

    Best.

    Tweet.

    Ever.

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