Jacobs Can Pray Away Terrorism

I think the makers of the Batman movies have to do one about Cindy Jacobs. I mean, the woman is a superhero! She can reverse hysterectomies; she can stop Native American cannibalism; she can raise children from the dead; and now, she can even stop terrorists! She claims to have done it “time and time again.”

I don’t suppose it would be too much to ask that she provide evidence for those astonishing claims, would it? Silly rabbit — evidence is for rational people.


  1. says

    Have you seen any terrorists around lately? See how good a job she did?

    Maybe next she can focus on angry Americans with guns. Seem to still be a lot of them around, shootin’ at folks.

  2. raven says

    Cindy Jacobs is a New Apostle, given superpowers by god himself. There are a lot of them out there these days.

    Of course, these superpowers are never demonstrated where people can actually see them.

    The important question, is how well does being god’s superhero pay? It can be quite profitable, tens of millions of dollars or like Pat Robertson, ending up a billionaire.

    I suspect most of them make a lot less.

  3. Trebuchet says

    She’s the guy on the street corner, jumping up and down and waving his arms. Why?
    “To scare away wild elephants.”
    “But there are no wild elephants within 5000 miles of here.”
    “See? It works!” (Continues jumping.)

  4. says

    raven “Of course, these superpowers are never demonstrated where people can actually see them.”
    I would pay to see her face off against Tom Cruise. And then I would be bored. But it would be worth it.

    “I suspect most of them make a lot less.”
    Pah! It’s not about the money, it’s about being Good and standing against Evil wherever it may be and banishing it. And also it’s the money.

  5. Lycanthrope says

    Trebuchet: I was thinking of that bit from The Simpsons.

    “Dad, what if I told you this rock wards off tigers?”
    “Does it work?”
    “You don’t see any tigers around, do you?”
    “…Lisa, I want to buy your rock.”

  6. thalwen says

    It works! I just prayed away terrorists and there are no terrorists around me. I bet it also works for tiger attacks, shark bites, alien abductions and lots more!

  7. says

    Truly this woman is a national treasure. If she truly cared about the U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A! (ahem) she’d volunteer to be locked in a tiny featureless room and fed chemicals to keep herself awake 24/7 while dedicated teams of people consult experts and prioritize requests and rush in lists of things for her to pray about. Just think of all the good she could do!

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