Sep 02 2012

Jacobs Can Pray Away Terrorism

I think the makers of the Batman movies have to do one about Cindy Jacobs. I mean, the woman is a superhero! She can reverse hysterectomies; she can stop Native American cannibalism; she can raise children from the dead; and now, she can even stop terrorists! She claims to have done it “time and time again.”

I don’t suppose it would be too much to ask that she provide evidence for those astonishing claims, would it? Silly rabbit — evidence is for rational people.


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  1. 1
    Brett McCoy

    Have you seen any terrorists around lately? See how good a job she did?

    Maybe next she can focus on angry Americans with guns. Seem to still be a lot of them around, shootin’ at folks.

  2. 2

    Cindy Jacobs is a New Apostle, given superpowers by god himself. There are a lot of them out there these days.

    Of course, these superpowers are never demonstrated where people can actually see them.

    The important question, is how well does being god’s superhero pay? It can be quite profitable, tens of millions of dollars or like Pat Robertson, ending up a billionaire.

    I suspect most of them make a lot less.

  3. 3
    John Pieret

    So, where the heck was she on 9/11? Obviously she must be a traitor for not having done her patriotic duty in 2001!

  4. 4

    She’s the guy on the street corner, jumping up and down and waving his arms. Why?
    “To scare away wild elephants.”
    “But there are no wild elephants within 5000 miles of here.”
    “See? It works!” (Continues jumping.)

  5. 5
    John Pieret

    P.S. See Ed’s post about Monckton’s “teason by inaction” claim. Jacobs should be sent to Guantanamo Bay right away!

  6. 6

    raven “Of course, these superpowers are never demonstrated where people can actually see them.”
    I would pay to see her face off against Tom Cruise. And then I would be bored. But it would be worth it.

    “I suspect most of them make a lot less.”
    Pah! It’s not about the money, it’s about being Good and standing against Evil wherever it may be and banishing it. And also it’s the money.

  7. 7

    Trebuchet: I was thinking of that bit from The Simpsons.

    “Dad, what if I told you this rock wards off tigers?”
    “Does it work?”
    “You don’t see any tigers around, do you?”
    “…Lisa, I want to buy your rock.”

  8. 8

    It works! I just prayed away terrorists and there are no terrorists around me. I bet it also works for tiger attacks, shark bites, alien abductions and lots more!

  9. 9

    If you’ve got Ms Jacobs – WTF is the TSA still in operation?

  10. 10

    Patricia King and Matt Sorger tell stories about eyeballs appearing in empty sockets and amputated legs growing back while the congregation watches.


  11. 11
    Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)

    Truly this woman is a national treasure. If she truly cared about the U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A! (ahem) she’d volunteer to be locked in a tiny featureless room and fed chemicals to keep herself awake 24/7 while dedicated teams of people consult experts and prioritize requests and rush in lists of things for her to pray about. Just think of all the good she could do!

  12. 12

    thalwen @ #8, goes all Monty Python on us and prays away being attacked by fruit!

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