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Aug 25 2012

Akin’s Other Beliefs About the Uterus

The Awl has a list of some of the other things that Todd Akin believes about the human uterus, which is apparently a magical organ with many fascinating properties. We need to start teaching these in sex education classes:

• When provoked or frightened, a uterus emits a high-pitched scream that instantly stuns its attacker.

• The natural enemies of the uterus are the locust, the hawk, the carpenter ant, and the witch.

• It is possible to use a uterus to determine the nearest source of fresh water or magnetic North but not both…

• A uterus that has come into the full realization of its powers can only be killed by the seventh son of a seventh son. However, he cannot be Jewish.

• It is possible to summon an inhabitant of the drowned city of Atlantis by blowing upon a uterus like a conch shell. This can be done only once.

• No uterus can survive under the gaze of a wizard; it will wither and shrivel into a harmless stone mask (do not attempt to wear the mask).

• The more uteruses a woman can collect during her lifetime, the higher her status, and the more servants she will command, among the dead.

And now you know.

24 comments

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  1. 1
    schism

    Someone should actually ask him about these. I’m sure he’d agree with at least a couple.

  2. 2
    ArtK

    Sadly, Poe’s Law may apply even to obviously satirical stuff like this. *sigh*

  3. 3
    matty1

    That’s nothing, you wait till you hear what he believes about ovaries.

  4. 4
    julian

    Women have all the luck, don’t they?

    I wish my testes could lead me to a fresh water source.

  5. 5
    dingojack

    Did you know that Akin believes if you squeeze a uterus quickly it’ll emit a pitch perfect E flat?
    Dingo

  6. 6
    skinnercitycyclist

    Now I know what Akin thinks about uteri….it just confirms what I already knew about dicks….

  7. 7
    subbie

    Todd Akin, poster child for ignorance only sex eduction.

  8. 8
    democommie

    I’m guessing that any new information Akinhole gathers about the uterus will be from a third party.

  9. 9
    criticaldragon1177

    Ed Brayton

    This is a joke right? Does he actually believe this?

  10. 10
    Moggie

    This is a joke right? Does he actually believe this?

    Wow.

  11. 11
    Michael Heath

    criticaldragon1177:

    This is a joke right? Does he actually believe this?

    Moggie responds:

    Wow.

    We live in the age of Poe rising, give it a couple of years and all freethinkers will have to ask.

  12. 12
    Chiroptera

    Michael Heath, #11: We live in the age of Poe rising, give it a couple of years and all freethinkers will have to ask.

    What frightens me is that a few years after that, we won’t have ask any more.

  13. 13
    raven

    This is a joke right? Does he actually believe this?

    Sigh.

    To determine this, you need to carry a uterus around a church counterclockwise at midnight.

    Kids these days, don’t the schools teach them anything?

  14. 14
    Modusoperandi

    Dave Bowman ~ “My God, it’s full of Poes!”

  15. 15
    marcus

    “It is possible to summon an inhabitant of the drowned city of Atlantis by blowing upon a uterus like a conch shell. This can be done only once.”
    Hey! This one actually works!

  16. 16
    kennypo65

    I once asked my girlfriend, “Where are my car keys?” She responded, “My uterus is not a homing device!”

  17. 17
    Crudely Wrott

    After I came out of my mother’s uterus and thanked her, she thanked me back, but admitted that she thought her parts were worn out. I assured her I hadn’t abused it. She hugged me and cried. I didn’t understand her woe so I wept with her. Later that day I forgot all about it.

    In subsequent years, and with the careful attention of Dad, she went on to pop out five more pups, none of them just like me.

    Uteruses. Stuff goes in, kids come out. You just can’t explain that.

  18. 18
    democommie

    “Uteruses. Stuff goes in, kids come out. You just can’t explain that.”

    You COULD, but I think that would make 900′ BABY JESUS, with the frikkin’ lazerbeam eyes, cry–not a good thing.

  19. 19
    sailor1031

    Todd Akin’smind must be like the LaBrea tarpits;once some nonsense gets stuck in there it’s forever. I can’t wait until he starts telling us about menstrual blood tarnishing steel, menstruating women blighting crops or vaginas having teeth…..

  20. 20
    Gvlgeologist, FCD

    Reading these made me laugh far more than the Sunday funnies.

    #4,5,13,14,15,16 (and 16′s girlfriend),17 – Thanks! You all deserve

  21. 21
    Gvlgeologist, FCD

    … shiny new internets.

  22. 22
    Emu Sam

    Todd Akin’s mind: stuff goes through, mush comes out, you can’t explain that.

  23. 23
    blf

    I wish my testes could lead me to a fresh water source the pub.

    Fixed.

  24. 24
    dingojack

    Did you know that Todd Akin thinks that wearing a uterus as headwear when cycling can reduce coup/ counter-coup head injuries by over 97 percent?
    Dingo

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