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Aug 22 2012

Ukraine Board Declares Spongebob Squarepants Gay

In case you thought those whackjobs who think every cartoon is promoting homosexuality only existed in America, it seems the Ukraine has them too. And they’re trying to ban Spongebob Squarepants because he’s going to turn the kids gay. Or something.

Morality police in the Ukraine are trying to get Nickelodeon cartoon SpongeBob Squarepants banned because of its perceived ‘promotion of homosexuality’.

The Ukraine’s National Expert Commission for Protecting Public Morality released the report, calling the children’s cartoon a ‘real threat to children’.

Some of the other shows under fire include Family Guy, Pokemon, The Simpsons and Teletubbies, which the report says ‘projects aimed at the destruction of the family, and the promotion of drugs and other vices’…

It also criticises the fact that one of the stars of the BBC children’s show, Tinky Winky, carries what looks like a woman’s handbag, saying: ‘in real life, boys very rarely want to put on girls’ clothes’.

Cartoon star SpongeBob has a large gay fanbase in the U.S. as well as a being a huge hit with children.

The ‘evidence’ that points to SpongeBob’s homosexuality seems to extend to the fact that he regularly holds hands with a pink starfish called Patrick, who is also his best friend.

I’ll take irrationality for $1000, Alex.

35 comments

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  1. 1
    Ellie

    What are they saying? Is this their quaint way of telling the world that former President G. W. Bush and Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah are gay?

  2. 2
    daved

    What are they saying? Is this their quaint way of telling the world that former President G. W. Bush and Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah are gay?

    I thought everyone knew that by now.

  3. 3
    Abby Normal

    What a bunch of krabby patties.

  4. 4
    Irreverend Bastard

    I’d love to ban Teletubbies. But I wouldn’t, because there are worse things out there!

  5. 5
    Marcus Ranum

    They’re afraid he’ll turn kids gay, not spongy? Priorities, people, priorities!!!

  6. 6
    Gregory in Seattle

    Sooo… being gay is not only a choice, it is a choice that a government board can impose? Or does that apply only to fictional cartoon characters?

  7. 7
    holytape

    Next thing that they are going to do is that Scooby Doo promoted pot smoking…..

  8. 8
    martinrundkvist

    I don’t know if Tinky Winky is gay or not, but it’s true that the Teletubbies are huge stoners. Watching half an episode makes me feel baked off my ass.

  9. 9
    Zinc Avenger (Sarcasm Tags 3.0 Compliant)

    I knew it!

  10. 10
    zippythepinhead

    If we don’t teach children intolerance at an early age, how will they ever learn?

  11. 11
    Balstrome

    I love being outside the America internet cloud… How many of you have see this SpongeBob story weeks before it got replicated here on Ftb. I think I saw it talked about on fb about a month ago, and that gay teletubbies thing, well that is about 20 years old, and you know it.

    Cutting edge..not.

  12. 12
    Geds

    It also criticises the fact that one of the stars of the BBC children’s show, Tinky Winky, carries what looks like a woman’s handbag, saying: ‘in real life, boys very rarely want to put on girls’ clothes’.

    Wait, what? Was this written in 1998? Or is this kind of like the way the ’80s didn’t make it to Canada until 1992?

  13. 13
    Gregory in Seattle

    @zippythepinhead #10 – That, in a nutshell, is exactly why totalitarian regiemes oppose the Teletubbies, SpongeBob and the rest: they teach tolerance. Since tyrants and oligarchs use hate to control the masses, and since tolerance undermines that hate, they cannot allow tolerance in any way, shape or form.

  14. 14
    eric

    The ‘evidence’ that points to SpongeBob’s homosexuality seems to extend to the fact that he regularly holds hands with a pink starfish called Patrick, who is also his best friend.

    “We’re merely exchanging long protein strings! If you can think of a simpler way, I’d like to hear it!”.

  15. 15
    raven

    In case you thought those whackjobs who think every cartoon is promoting homosexuality only existed in America…

    The Ukrainians stole it from the American fundies.

    You don’t think fundies are bright enough to make up their own delusions, do you?

    They all just copy each other. Moslem fundies take US fundie xian creationist mythology and just change god to Allah.

    Rep. Akin’s (non)knowledge of rape and women’s ability to control their fertility mentally dates from the Middle Ages.

  16. 16
    Doug Little

    Tinky Winky, carries what looks like a woman’s handbag

    It’s a European satchel.

  17. 17
    Doug Little

    I’d love to ban Teletubbies. But I wouldn’t, because there are worse things out there!

    Barney?

  18. 18
    thalwen

    With the Ukrainian economy being in the shitter, corruption being rampant, and many people living without basic needs, it is good that they have their priorities right – fighting imaginary gay cartoon characters.

  19. 19
    raven

    Barney?

    Barney is gay too. The dinosaur is purple for Cthulhu’s sake!!!

    Barney The Dinosaur The Antichrist? .
    ews.google.com/newspapers?nid=1368&dat…id…sjid…

    Bad Barney: Charlotte, minister Joseph Chambers, who has selflessly devoted … says Barney, that purple dinosaur for kids, is trying to take the place of Jesus.

    And don’t even try to defend the Muppets.

    I forget what is evil about Kermit the frog but I’m sure they found something.

  20. 20
    raven

    The Muppets Are Communist, Fox Business Network Says
    ww.huffingtonpost.com/…/fox-news-the-muppets-are-communist_…

    5 Dec 2011 – … according to Fox Business, Kermit the Frog and his Muppet friends are reds. … “The Muppets,” insisting that its storyline featuring an evil oil baron made it … Father’s Will Dictates That Gay Son Marry Woman For Inheritance …

    According to Fox News, the Muppets are commies.

  21. 21
    ashleybell

    The greatest phenomenon out there is the Streisand Effect. There’s this Spongebob thing, Aan’s persecution, The interrment of Pussy Riot, loudmouth Akin, etc etc etc. None of the antagonists in these scenarios have learned the secret mindboggling power of shutting the fuck up and taking a chill pill. Ignoring certain things really can defang them, not that I want Pussy Riot or Aan to be defanged, just released from prison.

  22. 22
    Doug Little

    According to Fox News, the Muppets are commies.

    I guess when Kermit sings “It’s not easy bein’ green” he really means red.

  23. 23
    kermit.

    balstrome: Cutting edge..not.

    Yes, this is an opinion blog and discussion forum for primarily US 1st amendment issues. Not intended to be a news site. Are you just now realizing that? Not exactly cutting edge, are you?

  24. 24
    Reginald Selkirk

    Doug Little #16: It’s a European satchel.

    So Europeans are gay? This is really snowballing. No wonder the Ukrainians are concerned about something so contagious.

  25. 25
    Balstrome

    Yes, this is an opinion blog and discussion forum for primarily US 1st amendment issues. Not intended to be a news site. Are you just now realizing that? Not exactly cutting edge, are you?

    Yes, I already realised that a couple years back. There only America, with their weird cousins to the north and their slave labour to the south, everything means nothing, just ignore it.

  26. 26
    John Hinkle

    The Ukraine’s National Expert Commission for Protecting Public Morality…

    Oh boy, I hope they’re using the Absolute Objective Morals of the Universe, and not some feeble-minded, man-made morals used by bigots.
     
    Oh wait, the first ones don’t exist.

  27. 27
    Doug Little

    So Europeans are gay? This is really snowballing. No wonder the Ukrainians are concerned about something so contagious.

    Well not really, One can have a man bag and not be gay. Indiana Jones has one.

    Read here

  28. 28
    iangould

    “They’re afraid he’ll turn kids gay, not spongy? Priorities, people, priorities!!!”

    If anything, they should be worried about him teaching kids they can breathe under water.

  29. 29
    kantalope

    So, if there was a clip of Spongebob shagging the squirrel they would be all ok with the cartoon?

    This is the internet; that can probably be arranged.

  30. 30
    Ichthyic

    I’m sure the evidence they used to try and ban Spongebob was the upcoming movie…

    Spongeback Mountain

  31. 31
    lancifer

    I suspect Plankton is behind the ban.

    If Sponge Bob is banned from the Ukraine Plankton can open a chain of Chum Bucket restaurants without fear that Ukrainians will discover his cuisine is inferior to Crabby Patties.

  32. 32
    valhar2000

    Well, it is true that Family Guy and The Simpsons are not kid’s shows, nor were they ever intended to be. They are simply victims of the Animation Age Ghetto.

  33. 33
    Midnight Rambler

    I’d love to ban Teletubbies. But I wouldn’t, because there are worse things out there!

    Like Family Guy, for starters.

    Also, Balstrome: the opinion of anyone who willingly watched Battleship and continues to mention it on their FB page is automatically invalid.

  34. 34
    lofgren

    In fairness, Spongebob is exceedingly gay. I know because I had gay sex with him just last night.

  35. 35
    dean

    The best headline I’ve seen on this was

    Ukrainian Morality Officials to Probe Gay Spongebob

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